Struggle Chapter 124

It was a statement made not as king, but as an older brother. And Nanyoung could sense that this would be their last meeting.

The king was the center of his family and the nation, and now he was also a father. He would become someone else forevermore. Nanyoung slowly bowed his head and offered a deep bow. Tears dripped down, but he was not distressed. The feeling of regret was great, but he would not turn back or repent.

“Stay in good health….”

Nanyoung spoke just as he had when he was young, back when he did not yet know proper etiquette and when the king was not yet the crown prince.

The king smiled bitterly, like that time when his fully grown younger brother had first made him realize they were entirely different beings. Not as an affectionate older brother, but only with regret—regret that he had not recognized the loneliness sooner, and that even if he had known, their positions and births were such that he could never have helped.

∞ ∞ ∞

Somehow, it felt as if he had just walked out of a dream.

Nanyoung trudged along, then turned around.

Taerok was watching Nanyoung from a slight distance. Behind him stretched the familiar scenery of where he had been born and raised. A place one could call Nanyoung’s home, yet a place that could never be a home, and could not be called a home.

“He was truly adorable.”

Nanyoung, who could not bring himself to say “nephew,” spoke in a roundabout way.

“Was I that adorable too? When you first saw me.”

“Did I not say I had no particular thoughts?”

“Still, you must have at least felt whether I was adorable or not, or if I was pitiful.”

Taerok narrowed his brow, recalling that time.

He had thought that he was so small, he might break if squeezed. Taerok himself knew that this would become an exceedingly excessive sentiment.

“Because you were so small.”

Taerok chose his words.

“I thought you might not make it past three years old.”

This was what he had chosen.

Nanyoung frowned. Toward that Nanyoung, Taerok slowly approached.

“Even when you turned five, there was no news of your death, and then suddenly I was told to look after that child. Being told to suddenly care for a child for whom I had neither memory nor affection, I was unwilling and found it nothing but a bother. But then, you saw me and grabbed hold of the hem of my clothes and wouldn’t let go.”

“I did…?”

“You did that at your first birthday, and you did it again at our next meeting.”

As if those two occasions came to mind, Taerok smiled quietly.

“When it comes to me, you are truly greedy.”

It was the first time Taerok had murmured so softly, as if dreaming, and so Nanyoung could not say a single word. It was like a spring breeze tickling the body in the midst of sleep.

“In my tedious and weary daily life, in those times when even harboring treasonous intentions could not change things, the thing that brought me the most pleasure was when I realized that, because of this treasonous intent, you would come to me.”

As if it were not frightening at all, Nanyoung was startled in advance at the mention of that story, now long buried.

But at this hour, past curfew, the palace was quiet, as if even if there were mice listening to night talk, they would be napping fitfully.

“You were a good excuse. For the beginning and the end.”

A good excuse to execute his treasonous intent, and a good excuse to end it.

But even the word “excuse” was a mere pretense. In truth, it was all Lee Nanyoung.

Nanyoung had likely only held on, but it was Lee Taerok’s choice to place his entire being into that small, greedy hand, knowing full well that the hand would find it too heavy to bear.

And so, Taerok likewise had no reason to blame Nanyoung. He had not changed his mind; he had simply been consistent.

“So do not leave me.”

Taerok confessed very gently.

“If you say tonight that because of this reunion, you will return to your brother and your mother, then I will once again harbor treasonous intentions toward the king.”

Nanyoung was still Lee Taerok’s scandal, and his hostage.

But at the same time, Lee Taerok had, in a sense, also placed the reins in Nanyoung’s hands. Now, whenever the grave sin of incest weighed too heavily upon him, Nanyoung could make the excuse that it was to protect the king, to protect his family. Even if Nanyoung were to change his heart, Taerok would be able to hold onto him.

They must exist, but must not stand out; must not stand out, but must not be too incompetent; must fulfill their roles and duties, but must not take on great tasks.

Thus, they were the only ones who could understand each other. In the deep of night, where one could not even discern the color of the other’s official robes, where one could not even recognize another’s face, the two who had cast aside being grand princes and chosen to live as grand princes who wished to be cast aside now stand facing each other once more. Everything had begun here. Passing through Lee Nanyoung at five years old and Lee Taerok at eighteen, to this very moment here….

∞ ∞ ∞

Taerok, his arms crossed at the stern of the boat, had briefly fallen asleep. Nanyoung stood leaning against the boat’s railing, staring blankly at the water being cleaved by the bow. It was like transparent silk.

Up until the moment of departure, he had been afraid, but now, even looking at this, he was not frightened. He pulled up his sleeve and grazed his fingertips along the water’s surface, sketching lightly. Above it, a butterfly flew in. It seemed to have flown from a stone island in the middle of the river.

As if it had no fear, it would not leave. Nanyoung slowly raised his hand and went to sit beside Taerok. Even in his sleep, Taerok uncrossed his arms and placed a hand on Nanyoung’s thigh. When Nanyoung covered that hand with its prominent knuckles, the butterfly perched there a moment, then flew away. He followed it with his gaze.

It is not honorable. Nor will he ever say he is proud of it. Only, he will not regret it, and if punishment comes, he will accept it willingly. But for now, he is happy. Even if they return, he will become a scandal, give himself to his uncle, and possess his uncle. As he said, when it comes to him, he is greedy.

Closing his eyes, Nanyoung leaned his head against Taerok’s shoulder and wrapped his hand around Taerok’s thumb. The wind is mild, and the current is gentle. Let us return to the quiet house where winter is long. For that place is our peaceful abyss.