Struggle Chapter 130

Clutching his bag strap tightly, Nanyoung counted the bricks on the ground one by one, dragging out the time. Would his uncle, would Lee Taerok, really be waiting for him at the school gate?

The gate was certainly less crowded. Nanyoung came down near the very end and then lifted his head.

“Why are you so late.”

Checking the time, Taerok saw Nanyoung and flicked his wrist. Having been leaning against the car like a page out of a magazine, he came over and took Nanyoung’s bag off his shoulder, carrying it.

“I thought you’d gone and given me the wrong time.”

“You… aren’t going to ask if I did well on the exam?”

“I’m sure you did well enough.”

Taerok opened the passenger door. This kind of escort was as natural as flowing water. Who else had he done this for?

Having placed the bag in the back seat, Taerok gave a short laugh at Nanyoung, who was still looking up at him.

“I’m not your parents, so I don’t worry that much.”

Words that could have been disappointing actually made Nanyoung’s shoulders feel lighter.

“Congratulations on finishing the exam.”

“But you said you’re not my parents.”

“This much is something I can say. That topic’s done now. It’s over, so that’s that.”

The mood of the conversation was gentle. The prickly, swollen atmosphere that had been swirling between the two of them all along was softly breaking apart in the early winter evening.

When they got home, a catalog was spread open on the dining table. It was a catalog the department store had sent to VVIPs for the Christmas season. The page that was open was for pre-ordering Christmas trees. It didn’t seem like the kind of thing Taerok would take care of, so it was unexpected.

While Nanyoung stroked that page, Taerok took various ingredients out of the fridge.

“You being good at cooking is really unexpected.”

“I’m originally good at everything. I just don’t do it because it’s a bother.”

He was also good at being shameless.

But since it wasn’t bluster, there was nothing to say in return.

Nanyoung settled right in and spread open the catalog. With his chin propped on one hand, he looked at the trees in the catalog and then turned around to scan the house. But no matter how he looked, he couldn’t imagine this place being filled with a Christmas atmosphere.

“You take care of things like Christmas trees?”

“I don’t.”

Taerok answered, putting butter in the pan.

“So they just sent it to you.”

“Do you?”

“My family did.”

“Then this year, I’ll do it too.”

What… does that mean?

At the words that hooked into his ears, Nanyoung lifted his head sharply.

“…In place of my parents?”

“I think I told you I’m not trying to be in place of your parents. I don’t like repeating myself.”

“…”

Then why on earth are you doing this…?

It was confusing. This confusion was frightening. Because it was that kind of wish that must never arise.

For now, it could still be kept in the realm of misunderstanding and mistakes, but if it went further, it would become something irrevocable. A rough premonition stormed through Nanyoung’s head.

Lost in thought, he didn’t even turn the page. By the time the catalog was slipped from his hand, well over thirty minutes had already passed and the food was finished.

“Is there a tree you like?”

Tense, Nanyoung swallowed dryly.

A blunt way of speaking and a cold face that never smiled. A harsh and rude manner of speech that could scratch or cut a person down. So why did it feel so tender? If it seemed right now that you were treating me specially… was that just a misunderstanding born from the fact that I don’t know you well?

“No. Let’s just forget it.”

Nanyoung forced a smile.

Then, ignoring his pounding heart, he took a mouthful of the warm, moist grains of rice. It tasted like baby food.

∞ ∞ ∞

Nanyoung did not give up on finding a place to live in secret from Taerok. When he told his father, it seemed the news had reached Taerok’s ears, because his father asked if something had happened. What even was the relationship between them? Searching secretly for a place like this made him feel as if he were betraying someone. And yet, a strong premonition told him that betrayal was far better, that he couldn’t go on like this any longer, and he couldn’t stop.

Unlike before, Taerok came home in time for dinner. Nanyoung, whose schedule ended as long as he attended morning classes, found that no matter how much time he killed outside, his body, as if it had become a clock, brought him back in time for dinner. Time wouldn’t pass at all. It was a tormenting thing.

With the final vacation ahead, the weather turned sharply cold. As Nanyoung fastened his coat, wrapped his scarf, and belatedly stepped out of the classroom door, someone caught him.

“Hey. Lee Nanyoung.”

It was Sim Suhwan. The one who had confessed to him.

“Where are you going.”

Setting aside his grades, Sim Suhwan had a characteristic air of slight roguishness about him. Hailing from a family of judges, with a charm that made even the teachers, while calling him a troublemaker, dote on him, he drew attention wherever he went. Nanyoung still couldn’t understand why Sim Suhwan had confessed to him.

And why, even after being rejected, he still approached him so casually. How could he do that?

How…?

“If you’ve got nothing to do, let’s go together and…”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Because he was curious how Sim Suhwan could act as if nothing had happened, Nanyoung readily answered.

“I want to go play games.”

Could he go back to how things were with Taerok? Could he still keep from crossing the line?

Back to how things were… could he be satisfied with that relationship?

∞ ∞ ∞

At the game center, Nanyoung did everything there was to do—shooting games, basketball, darts. There was even DDR, though he had no idea how Sim Suhwan could be so good at that ancient game. Nanyoung was busy just trying to follow it with his eyes.

“You’ve really never done this kind of stuff, huh?”

Sim Suhwan sneered, looking at Nanyoung’s miserable score. Spurred by wounded pride, Nanyoung withdrew cash several times to retry and retry again.

The one fortunate thing was that the more money he spent, the faster time flew.

They got hungry, ate hamburgers together, and by the time they came out, it had grown dim. His stomach was fine, but dinner time was approaching. No message came from Taerok saying he’d be late and to eat alone. Like when he’d had the non-alcoholic drink, Nanyoung was vacant, drained of energy, as if wondering whether this was what intoxication felt like.

“Want to take a photo?”

Watching Nanyoung in that state, Sim Suhwan asked subtly.

At the quietly turning gaze, Sim Suhwan wet his lips.

It was because of this side of him that Lee Nanyoung stood out. He wasn’t boisterous, and he didn’t stick out. He wasn’t full of mischief, wasn’t loud, and wasn’t good at telling jokes. He was simply a very quiet kid with good grades who could be found anywhere, but that very stillness made Lee Nanyoung stand out more than anyone.

Is this guy really the same age as me? Does he truly belong in the same category as that mustily resounding label, ‘high school boy’?

Sometimes, like a person from a very distant past, Nanyoung seemed to have stepped aside from all of time. In moments just like now.

“I applied to the military academy, you know.”

“Yeah.”

“There’s no way you’d end up at the military academy. And once I go, we won’t be able to see each other well, so after graduation, it could really be goodbye forever, so let’s take at least one photo together.”

“…Will there really be no chance to meet again?”

“Unless we make an effort, it won’t happen.”

Sim Suhwan, never having imagined he’d say such embarrassingly sentimental things, rubbed his cheek roughly for no good reason.

Nanyoung stared blankly at his own feet.

He and Sim Suhwan had been in the same class all through their first and second years. Sim Suhwan, always the center of any group, had always brought Nanyoung along with him. As a friend, he had been good. He knew he was a good person, too.

“But the fact is,” the confession that Sim Suhwan must have blurted out because he wanted to become closer than anyone else had only driven the two of them apart, and that truth sharply stabbed at Nanyoung’s chest.

I’m sorry, Suhwan. Even while I’m with you, I’m thinking of someone else.

As an apology, Nanyoung stood up and pulled Sim Suhwan’s arm.

“Let’s take them. A lot of them.”

Unlike his usual self, Nanyoung’s hair, as he took the lead and pulled Sim Suhwan forward, shone red in the setting sun.

Suhwan stared vacantly at Nanyoung’s retreating figure, gulping. Just as Nanyoung had Lee Taerok, Suhwan, too, had someone who caused him anguish. He would likely remember this for a long time.

After taking photos, they had meant to part ways, but Sim Suhwan stubbornly insisted on seeing Nanyoung home. He was so stubborn that Nanyoung ended up giving in, telling him to do as he pleased.

It was only when Sim Suhwan realized they were walking a different path than usual that he found out Nanyoung had moved. He felt hurt. Nanyoung hadn’t even told him.

Sim Suhwan, too, was ultimately nothing more than a high school student. As much as he wanted to act mature in front of the person he liked, it was precisely because it was in front of the person he liked that he only ended up being more childish.