Struggle Chapter 135

Perhaps it might be better for nothing to be defined at all, like this. That was the conclusion Nanyoung had recently reached.

With the first day of the semester just ahead, Nanyoung was organizing his timetable. Taerok, who had gone out early for a golf appointment with another company’s president on the weekend, had not yet returned.

‘What a pain in the ass to death.’

Before leaving, Taerok had gazed down at him for a long while as he pretended to be asleep, then tossed out that remark, and it came to mind.

Taerok seemed to live an extremely busy life, yet surprisingly, he found many things a bother. Nanyoung often asked himself if he, too, would someday become one of those bothersome things.

Unlike other lovers or romantic histories, this wasn’t a relationship where they would become strangers if they broke up. That was what led Nanyoung to conclude that perhaps the current state of nothingness was better. Let’s brush it off as a level that could pass for a dubious episode at one point. A hug is something family can do plenty of, so as long as the unsettling feelings are hidden… that was Nanyoung’s conclusion.

Ah, his thoughts were growing complicated again. He had more than one or two things to worry about. He had to adapt to a new environment again, and exchange greetings with people who had come from all over the country, complete strangers. Just thinking about it, his worries were mountain-high.

In the end, he flopped down onto the dining table. As he tapped absentmindedly at the black tabletop, letting time slip by, a notification sounded that Taerok’s car had pulled in.

Without realizing, Nanyoung shot up, tidied the cluttered table, and went to his room to pointlessly check his hair and clothes before coming out. Then, catching his own eyes in the mirror, he was so embarrassed he bit his lip hard.

“I’m such an idiot, seriously.”

He let out a deep sigh, and as he came out of the bathroom, Taerok was just stepping inside.

The moment Taerok saw him, without any greeting, he said, “I’ll wash up and come back,” and went straight into the bathroom.

As Nanyoung stood there bewildered, Taerok opened the door again from inside.

“Let’s have coffee.”

He meant for him to brew it. Nanyoung belatedly nodded.

When cooking for himself, Taerok preferred one-pan dishes that could be made quickly and eaten roughly, but fundamentally, he was a gourmet. His palate was sensitive and his taste was refined. Following the method Taerok had taught him, Nanyoung ground the beans, weighed them and placed them in the dripper, then brought water to the correct temperature to boil.

The series of steps seemed bothersome, but in truth, Nanyoung liked it quite a lot. When he put care into each step like this, his heavy head emptied and his heart grew light. Just as Nanyoung timed the pour, brewed the coffee, and divided it into each cup, Taerok emerged. He washed up quickly, like a soldier.

“You brewed it well.”

Knowing just from the aroma alone, Taerok murmured offhandedly.

His body, clad only in trousers and a gown, was excessively provocative. Nanyoung aimlessly darted his eyes around for no reason.

From the snack box that had been steadily accumulating since Nanyoung arrived, Taerok took out a butter biscuit. Then he opened the packaging and held it out to Nanyoung.

It was then that Nanyoung noticed it. The ring on the fourth finger of his left hand.

Flustered, Nanyoung couldn’t tear his gaze from Taerok’s finger. Following that gaze, Taerok, too, let out a short, “Ah.”

That was all.

Is that all?

Nanyoung was so thrown that he couldn’t tell whether the coffee was going into his mouth or his nose. He gulped it down as if drinking alcohol, not coffee. He didn’t even care that he was scalding his tongue. When the very person, Lee Taerok, was nonchalantly savoring the aroma and flavor.

As if to spite the conclusion he had reached—to stop right here, that it was better to stay as they were—Nanyoung’s head turned to mush with bewilderment, anger, and sorrow. Who is it? Who could it be. If it was Lee Taerok, there would be no one who would refuse him. Even his parents were said to be a case of having met initially for business advantage and then falling in love. In this world, it was commonplace to promise marriage, depending on profit and loss, even with someone you had just met yesterday.

Since when? Had he not once thought of me?

Ah, just thinking about it made him feel like crying. Nanyoung bit his lip hard and dropped his head. He couldn’t stay here any longer. He was about to rise to leave, but Taerok was faster. He took Nanyoung’s hand, then pulled something out of his gown pocket and pressed it into his palm.

“…What is this?”

“Wear it.”

When he carefully opened his hand, a ring lay there.

It was a design identical to Lee Taerok’s.

It felt so unreal that Nanyoung simply stared blankly at it.

“From the very first day of the semester, wear it and don’t take it off for a single moment. Even if someone asks if you have a lover, show it; if someone shows interest, show them.”

“…Do I have a lover?”

At that, Taerok gave a scoffing laugh and leaned back deeply into his chair. He looked utterly like a rogue. With his arm hanging loose and holding his cup in one hand, Taerok asked back.

“Then what did you think we were doing?”

“…”

Nanyoung looked at Taerok, then lowered his gaze to the ring in his hand.

What sparkled and glittered was silver, a simple design set with a diamond. It was a couple ring too excessive for a kid who had just turned twenty to wear around.

“Isn’t this expensive?”

“Doesn’t hyung give you an allowance?”

“Even so… it’s way too much of a burden.”

“So you’re saying I should split the cost of the ring with my thirteen-years-younger lover?”

Nanyoung didn’t answer.

It didn’t feel real. After standing there in a daze, he posed a question similar to one Taerok had asked before, but with a far different weight.

“Are we lovers?”

“Then what did you think we were.”

“I just… I was planning to stay like this and then move out on my own.”

“Now you say something hurtful.”

“You, Uncle, yourself said there was no way I could be in your romantic history.”

It was an obvious statement. Truly, no one would have even imagined a situation like this. Filthy, disgusting, ugly, forbidden.

Nanyoung’s face darkened.

“You’ve been keeping that in your heart?”

Yet Taerok was unruffled. He was violating everything he had said. It was Lee Taerok acting without self-restraint, far more than Nanyoung, whom he had scoffed at for having no self-control at his age; it was he who had unhesitatingly placed Nanyoung into his own romantic history.

But there would be no stopping here, and nor would he ever.

“Yeah. We are.”

Taerok slowly rubbed the rim of the cup. As he did, his gaze was resting on Nanyoung’s lips. It felt as if his fingertips were grazing his own lips, and Nanyoung grew desperate. He wanted to wet them with his tongue, but he couldn’t even command his own tongue as he pleased.

“We are….”

“We’re the sort to go to hell together.”

Taerok answered.

“Lee Nanyoung. I’m going to take you all the way to hell.”

“Until then… will we be together?”

“Do you think I’d do this kind of thing with my nephew with the intention of breaking up?”

“What kind of thing? Giving me a ring?”

“You… if you ever get a single glimpse of what I’m thinking, you’ll say you’ll never see me again.”

Nanyoung dryly swallowed. Taerok cast his gaze down. His eyes fell to the cup.

“I’m not such a good person.”

“…I know.”

Taerok let out a small laugh.

“And you are truly a terrible actor, far more than you think.”

Taerok recalled Nanyoung’s gaze. Even before getting into the car, Lee Nanyoung was conscious of him and tense. After getting into the car, he unconsciously stared at him, and that gaze was so diligent and persistent that whenever Taerok was naked to shower, he always had to examine his own body. Fearing that Nanyoung’s gaze might remain imprinted on his skin.

Lee Nanyoung was marking him every single day. Watching him every single day, wanting to leave his traces, yearning for me.

And Lee Taerok, too, was aware of Lee Nanyoung’s every single movement. It was as if we had been standing with only a thin sheet of window paper between us, staring at each other.

“You liked me for a long time.”

Nanyoung’s face contorted in discomfort.

Taerok took the ring that still rested between Nanyoung’s fingers. Then he pulled Nanyoung’s hand.

“Keep it on. You’re mine. Since we’re the sort to go to hell together, this is closer to a wedding ring than a couple ring. If you take it off and go around without it, I’ll make you get a tattoo here.”

“…”

“And at thirty-three years old, you are my first love.”

Taerok said it indifferently.

“Once I fall, I don’t change my mind. Lee Nanyoung, if you’re going to run, now is the only time. But I will catch you again, and you will be caught. So rather than running, it will be easier on your heart to take my hand and go for a walk.”

“When… since when were you planning this?”

“Is that important?”