I Slept with the Villain Holding My Hand Chapter 105 - Their Thoughts

The note Merria received was clearly meant to lure her into a trap.  

 

‘Yet, she came here. Why on earth?’ 

 

Reukis silently stared at the piece of paper.  

 

Merria, who had been examining the note, noticed his gaze and spoke.  

 

“Do you want to see it too?”  

 

She handed him both notes.  

 

It was partly for convenience, but she also thought it would be easier if he held onto them. She wasn’t sure if such a technique existed, but if handwriting analysis was needed, Reukis could handle it faster.  

 

However, the expression on Reukis’s face as he reluctantly took the notes was far from what she had expected.  

 

“…Merria.”  

 

Reukis struggled to move his tightly sealed lips.  

 

Sensing the unusual atmosphere, Merria stared at him without answering.  

 

“Please answer me honestly. Did you come here knowing it could be dangerous for you to seek me out?”  

 

Reukis’s lips trembled as he asked in a low voice. He looked like a child recalling a terrifying story, his face filled with fear.  

 

Merria raised an eyebrow at his strange reaction.  

 

“Dangerous… I’m not sure about that, but I couldn’t sleep worrying about this suspicious note. I just wanted to make sure you were okay—”  

“If you didn’t come here simply to meet me, then you knew there was a risk of danger, didn’t you?”  

 

Reukis grabbed her shoulder firmly with the hand holding the note.  

 

It wasn’t painful, but the gesture was filled with intense emotion. It felt like being scolded for a mistake, and Merria’s face twisted in frustration.  

 

“I’m not a fool either. That’s why I came with Gwen, and I waited outside even when Kalix stopped me without asking any questions. I really didn’t want to cause you any harm, Reukis.”  

 

Reukis felt like crying at Merria’s sharp retort. He roughly wiped his face with one hand.  

 

Merria, who always seemed calm, had a peculiar stubbornness in strange places.  

 

Most of her actions were based on rational choices, but this time, he couldn’t understand her.  

 

“Merria.”  

 

Reukis furrowed his brow as he spoke.  

 

It sounded more like a warning than a simple call.  

 

“Is it a problem that I was worried about you?”  

 

Merria slapped his hand off her shoulder and asked.  

 

Reukis bit his lip and shook his head.  

 

“I can’t allow you to be in danger. Especially if it’s because of me. Even if I were to die, I would never let that happen.”  

Thud—

 

Merria’s fist clenched on her knee.  

 

This wasn’t why she had come. She didn’t want to hear him say he’d easily throw his life away for her.  

 

Merria had also agonized over coming here. She had informed Serinia of her outing and destination, prepared for various scenarios, and came with Gwen.  

 

She had a ring imbued with Reukis’s power and healing potions in her pocket.  

 

Not only that, but she hoped she wouldn’t need to use any of them, but she was prepared not to panic if she did.  

 

Fortunately, the situation was resolved in the blink of an eye.  

 

None of Merria’s people were hurt.  

 

In the end, everyone was safe, and the disaster she had feared didn’t happen.  

 

Yet, Reukis was saying such things again. His disregard for his own life, which had always bothered her, stabbed at her heart.  

 

She gritted her teeth and spoke.  

 

“If the situation had looked serious, I would’ve turned back immediately.”  

 

But hadn’t he already taken care of everything?  

 

By the time she arrived, the incident was already in its final stages.  

 

All she did afterward was confirm Reukis’s safety.  

 

“I don’t want to be in danger either. I’ve told you before.”  

 

Ever since learning about her future, Merria had become obsessed with her safety. She even preferred receiving protective brooches over dresses for her birthday gifts.  

 

“But…”  

 

Merria couldn’t continue and tightly closed her mouth.  

 

Just because she wanted to be safe didn’t mean Reukis had to sacrifice himself for her. He said he loved her, and that he wanted to stay by her side forever.  

 

But love wasn’t something done alone.  

 

Even if she survived thanks to his noble sacrifice and carried that love forever, it wouldn’t be beautiful at all.  

 

Merria wanted a love where they held hands and talked.  

 

But Reukis seemed to think that as long as Merria was safe, anything was fine.  

 

Just as Merria was important to him, Reukis was precious to her too. She wanted him unharmed, happy, and smiling.  

 

By her side, not somewhere else.  

 

“But it’s the same for you. Who said it’s okay for you to die as long as I’m safe?”  

 

“I would gladly give up everything rather than put you in danger.”  

 

Even if it meant giving up anything. Reukis deliberately left the last part unsaid.  

 

But Merria, staring straight at him, had already clearly read the unspoken words.  

 

“Reukis, you don’t need to get hurt or sacrifice yourself under the pretense of protecting me.”  

 

“Merria.”  

 

“Have you always thought like this? If so, I might really get angry this time.”  

 

“If I hesitate, and you get hurt because of it, that would be more painful to me than death.”  

 

“More painful than death, but not death itself, right!”  

 

Why did Reukis so easily discard himself like this? Was it because he loved her that much?  

 

Merria, who had to swallow that love, didn’t want it at all. What she wanted was a path where they could survive together, even if they got hurt.  

 

“At least if we’re alive, resentment and forgiveness… those are only possible if we’re alive.”  

 

“…”  

 

Reukis opened and closed his mouth as if he had much to say. But realizing he couldn’t persuade Merria now, he shut his mouth.  

 

The air between the two, who refused to back down, was sharp.  

 

If they pushed any further, it felt like everything would shatter.  

 

“…I’ll leave the notes with you. I think you’ll need them more.”  

 

Merria slowly got up and walked straight to the entrance.

 

Reukis silently stood up and followed her. She turned her head sharply and looked up at him.  

 

“Rest. Gwen is here too.”  

 

It was a clear instruction not to follow her.  

 

Then she quickly disappeared outside.  

 

Reukis, left standing there blankly, buried his face in his hands. He didn’t know how to describe this feeling, and his expression refused to cooperate.  

 

Taking a deep breath, Reukis quieted his footsteps and headed outside.  

 

‘Merria told me not to come…’

 

But he wouldn’t feel at ease until he confirmed she returned safely.  

 

He’d watch from afar for a moment. And keep it a secret forever. He didn’t want to add to the list of things that would earn him Merria’s disapproval.  

 

This was Reukis’s small selfishness.  

 

💫

 

Left alone, Reukis enveloped himself in complete darkness.  

 

In the pitch-black void, memories of his childhood naturally surfaced. He often trapped himself in the darkness he created, endlessly repeating his thoughts.  

 

Though he knew it wasn’t a practical habit, he kept hoping that if he kept thinking, some breakthrough might appear.  

 

The relentless stream of thoughts continued to plunge him into despair.  

 

Still, one thing that had changed as he grew older was that he no longer cried uncontrollably.  

 

He had started this habit around the time the aftereffects of his rampage began to subside, and his consciousness became clearer.  

 

Reukis had nearly been consumed by the darkness he tried to control, and in the end, his father and mother had died in his place.  

 

What he thought were nightmares turned out to be his reality.  

 

While he lay in bed, burning with fever, his parents’ funerals had already concluded.  

 

The boy, who had lost his warmth overnight with no way to regain it, hid himself in the darkness he created.  

 

In that darkness, Reukis despaired and trembled with fear.  

 

‘Should I just die like this?’

  

Whenever such thoughts arose, the darkness, strengthened by the aftereffects, surged and probed his body.  

 

Like a predator eyeing its prey, it attacked him without hiding its fangs. But his hand wouldn’t move easily. Reukis, who couldn’t understand why, eventually realized the reason one day.  

 

The Duke and Duchess were young and strong. No one had expected the seat of the ducal house to be vacated overnight.  

 

Even though the Duke and Duchess had died, Reukis, their legitimate son and sole heir, had survived.  

 

That alone halved the number of those coveting the ducal house.  

 

As long as the fragile young Duke didn’t go mad and end up in a mental hospital or die at the hands of some imaginary assassin, Frederick would remain in Reukis’s hands.  

 

And behind the scenes, there was the unseen pressure from the Emperor.  

 

Though there was also the concern of his uncle, who had particularly cared for his sister, the Emperor’s desire not to lose a dark mage was stronger.  

 

Given their immense power, the Frederick family had always maintained a pure bloodline, without illegitimate children or mistresses.  

 

When unavoidable circumstances arose, the title of head of the family was passed to another, but it always remained within the direct line.  

 

Thanks to this, Frederick produced a dark mage in every generation, albeit with varying degrees of strength.  

 

The Emperor of Tristan was unwilling to let go of that power, which differed fundamentally from ordinary magic.  

 

And that decision opened Reukis’s blurred eyes.