Hit by a Pitched Ball Chapter 13

Even when explanations and persuasion—that he was willingly choosing a life of enduring a secret that could never be understood for a lifetime—didn’t get through, it was especially like that. On top of that, whenever he faced eyes and expressions full of pity directed at him, Yunjae rather felt sorry for them. For feeling a sense of superiority over just having a say in their orientation. But he knew it wasn’t something he could argue or blame them for. It was natural for them to think that way.

Moreover, being an object of pity or remaining a pitiable stranger hadn’t even been a blow since he was outed. Still, it wasn’t as if there were no things that made the present difficult. They easily blamed themselves.

The contradiction of blaming him while saying it wasn’t his fault—there were often moments when it was hard to endure that. A series of events piled up over time like layers, becoming the cornerstone of the wall called Seo Yunjae.

The wall he began building like that was never broken by anyone. Rather, as time passed, he went inside his own increasingly solid fortress and built walls, piling them higher and higher.

Now, a few acquaintances who didn’t know his sexual orientation, his friend Seongjun who knew everything, and a few anonymous online friends of the same orientation whom he’d never met face to face—these had become the mouse holes connecting him to the world.

Letting someone he barely knew into his home, calling them over casually—all of it was a whole other world to him.

And on top of that, the one who broke down that wall and invaded his fortress was ‘that’ Ha Taebeom. It was only natural that this incident deserved to be milked until he died of old age.

The gloomy thoughts stretched on endlessly. The effort he’d made for quite a while to avoid thinking about it crumbled futilely before this unannounced intrusion. Only then did the alarm bell ring about the intruder named Ha Taebeom.

He berated himself: What exactly do you plan to do? He had brought home a clear stranger with whom he’d spent one night on impulse. Not stopping there, he’d casually eaten with him and even handed him a toothbrush. As naturally as flowing water, he was about to spend another night.

It was already too late to send him back. It was ambiguous whether what he was feeling now was regret or anticipation. If he was anticipating, what exactly was he looking forward to?

“If you go to sleep right away, your stomach’s going to feel bad.”

A familiar voice cut into his thoughts. Startled, Yunjae lifted his head. Meeting his eyes, Taebeom grinned and then strode over to Yunjae, who was squatting with his back against the sofa.

Taebeom looked down at Yunjae sitting on the floor and sat on the nearby sofa. His leg naturally touched Yunjae’s shoulder. Yunjae stared with complicated eyes at Taebeom’s bare big toe, since he’d even taken off his socks. As he lowered his head, Taebeom’s hand plunged into Yunjae’s hair. His large hand lightly patted the back of his head.

“I told you, don’t go to sleep right away.”

“Ow, that hurts!”

“I’m doing this to wake you up. Bear with it a little.”

Taebeom held Yunjae’s head to keep him from lying down and blocked him. Then he laughed playfully and held his shoulder with his leg.

“What time is it now, what am I waking up for? Wake up, my foot.”

“Acid reflux, isn’t it? You said you had that.”

Yunjae’s shoulder ended up wedged between Taebeom’s burdensome thighs. With his body completely shrunk, Yunjae opened his eyes wide and turned only his head back.

“Did I even say that much?”

“You said your stomach hurt from some misunderstanding. You talked about your acid reflux for quite a while. It was the third time, I think. Around then.”

After that night, Taebeom would bring up that day’s events every now and then like this. As if telling him not to forget, he’d suddenly jog his memory.

“…So we did it three times.”

“Four times, actually.”

“…I’m not really curious, so you don’t have to tell me.”

Yunjae bit his lip and averted his gaze. I’m crazy. Seo Yunjae. Four times. He could say with certainty—there had never been a single time like that.

It wasn’t that he’d never had partners, so he’d had relationships, but he’d never particularly enjoyed them, so at most he could count them on one hand. Even he, who only dated men, found it difficult, so he couldn’t understand how Ha Taebeom, who had only dated women, could be so nonchalant about it.

A hopeful feeling surged up again, and as he looked at him questioningly, Taebeom read his gaze and frowned immediately.

“It really was my first time sleeping with a man. I said that at least five times back then too.”

“So I already asked…”

“That’s why I told you to stop drinking. How much do you remember? It’s probably not from the beginning.”

“I thought that last time was the second time.”

“So you came to your senses on the fourth time. Got it.”

Unlike the relaxed Taebeom, Yunjae couldn’t be so calm. Taebeom stared at such a Yunjae for a moment and then chuckled. Well, as long as you remember something. His still-casual voice was playful.

How had it come to that? He hadn’t been particularly lonely. Yunjae felt a sense of self-disgust that his pitiful sexual desire had, of all people, erupted willfully in front of Ha Taebeom.

“About what I was saying earlier.”

“Earlier? Ah…”

“I feel like if I put it off any longer, it’ll become something that never happened.”

He looked sheepish but had a smile at the corner of his mouth. At the same time, he was gauging Yunjae’s reaction with his eyes. Watching this, Yunjae took a deep breath and then nodded his chin.

“I did propose it first.”

“Propose what?”

“Uh… that it might be okay to occasionally sleep together like that time.”

“…What did I answer?”

The unease grew like a snowball. To the answer given by the eyes that stared steadily at him, Yunjae squeezed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth.

“I said okay.”

“Yes. Of course, the conditions were a bit strict, though.”

“There are conditions too?”

“Well, something about a virgin dick, something about a rag. To put it nicely, bring a test result proving whether my dick is clean or not, and absolutely no sex without a condom like last time. Weekdays—only on days when I have a start, like today. And preferably weekends would be good, I think. Also…”

“Virgin dick, what. I said that? Me? No way… Really?”

A combination of words he couldn’t believe he’d uttered poured out through Taebeom’s mouth. He couldn’t take it all at face value. But then again, he couldn’t completely deny it either, because what he was saying wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. It hit a little too close to home.

The fingertips pointing at his chest bone stopped clumsily in midair. This was ridiculous. If he, the one who said it, felt this way, how must the person who heard it feel? Yunjae, who would have been speechless even with ten mouths, pressed shut the one mouth he did have. Despair cast a shadow over Yunjae’s face.

In Taebeom’s eyes, gazing steadily at the flustered Yunjae, there was no particular agitation. He simply tilted his head with a pensive expression, as if recalling something. After the silence stretched on, Taebeom shrugged and let out a chuckle.

“There were some things that weren’t entirely untrue, so it’s not completely wrong. While I’m sleeping with hyung, I won’t see anyone else. You don’t have to worry about that either.”

His words pierced the very center of Yunjae’s guilt like an awl, aching painfully. Scanning him with dazed eyes, Yunjae showed his embarrassment: “Did I really say that too?”

His insides were in a stir. Of course, rumors about the other person were familiar to those who knew him, and since he was one of them, his situation was no different. Besides, he couldn’t deny that there was a part of him that had thought that way inwardly. If asked whether he’d nitpicked out of spite because Taebeom flew around whenever he faced his team, he probably couldn’t say no.

And he’d assumed that being handsome, young, and rich, he naturally had plenty of partners. He admitted it was a prejudice, but it wasn’t maliciously held. He’d never voiced it to anyone. Yunjae, if it was his own story, could now casually tell others. He knew better than anyone that rumors started through someone else’s mouth instead of his own were no different from a plague.

That’s why he never spoke about others, no matter what the fact was. But of all things, the first mistake he made was voicing his prejudice to the very person it concerned. Apology and self-loathing rushed in at once, slapping the back of his head and grabbing him by the collar.

“Yes. There’s more.”

“I was quite the systematic person, wasn’t I.”