Being Loved for the First Time Chapter 4

 

“Are you absolutely certain?”

 

“O-of course, my lady. How could I possibly lie before you?”

 

It was the fiftieth day of my hundredth life.

 

I heard my mother’s serious voice.

 

Awakened by the sound—I had fallen victim to her back-patting yet again—I pricked up my ears while staring at the ceiling, where a colorful mobile hung.

 

“Are you truly certain there is nothing wrong with our youngest?”

 

Then I heard my father’s low voice.

 

‘So he *can* speak like that….’

 

Hearing that deep, weighty tone for the first time, I briefly wondered whether I’d misheard.

 

I didn’t see my father very often, but whenever he came to see me, he was either crying or speaking in baby talk.

 

Even just three nights ago, he’d said,

 

“Does our widdle one recognize Daddy now? Oh dear, Daddy will have to twy to see you more often, won’t he?”

 

He was the one who’d smiled as broadly as he possibly could, making the most of that handsome, statuesque face as he put on an awkward display of affection in front of me.

 

‘Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Mother speak like that either.’

 

If Father was a man whose coloring resembled spring, Mother was like winter.

 

She had jet-black hair and red eyes that looked like the finest rubies.

 

But whenever she was with me, she always spoke in a tender voice with a gentle smile.

 

Especially lovely was the lullaby she whispered as she put me to sleep.

 

“Sleep well, my baby. The stars will embroider the sky with light, and the silver moonlight will bring you sweet dreams.”

 

The cozy melody and my mother’s soft voice.

 

And the skillful hand patting my back.

 

‘And me, falling helplessly asleep.’

 

It was simply impossible to resist my mother’s pats without drifting off.

 

To begin with, a baby’s body was more susceptible to sleepiness.

 

But seeing these two people, who were always so soft and gentle around me, speaking in such grave voices, I assumed it must be something important.

 

I held my breath as much as possible so they wouldn’t notice I was awake.

 

Those two could somehow tell I was awake from the mere sound of my breathing.

 

“O-of course. There is truly nothing wrong with her, my lady, my lord.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

At the flustered man’s words, Father sounded displeased.

 

‘What on earth is going on?’

 

And who was that man…?

 

It was rare to encounter a stranger here.

 

Only a few designated servants and family members seemed allowed into this enormous, luxurious nursery prepared for me.

 

“I have served as the ducal family’s physician for well over ten years. I can stake my career on what I’m telling you.”

 

So he was the family physician.

 

And I had learned one more thing: this was a ducal family.

 

Everyone had simply called my parents ‘my lord’ and ‘my lady,’ so I hadn’t known their precise standing.

 

‘Which means the chances of troublesome things happening have risen a little more….’

 

Ironically, there were times when being born as an abandoned child on the streets had been more comfortable.

 

Thanks to the powers I’d accumulated, merely surviving was no problem, and because I was a street child, nobody paid attention to me.

 

All I had to do was stay alive until the apocalypse, use my power once, and die. That was the end of it.

 

‘But the moment you’re a noble or higher, you somehow get tangled in all kinds of bothersome affairs.’

 

Even in my previous life, the people who neglected me had insisted on teaching me this and that.

 

‘And there’s the possibility that someone will take advantage of Father because he’s too nice!’

 

People who had always lived here were naturally more vulnerable to adversity.

 

I let out an inward sigh as I imagined all sorts of worst-case scenarios.

 

But then.

 

“The youngest lady is simply a quiet baby! She is perfectly healthy!”

 

Huh?

 

Were they talking about me?

 

I blinked at this unexpected revelation.

 

“Or have ten long years rendered that brain of yours useless?”

 

What?

 

My father’s next words made me doubt my ears even more.

 

“N-no, of course not! I’ve always done my very best—”

 

“Then why does our youngest never cry properly or smile?”

 

Once again, I could only offer a foolish reply inside my head.

 

‘No, what on earth is he talking about?’

 

That question went far beyond every scenario I had imagined.

 

“Isn’t it because there’s something wrong with her and you’re too incompetent to discover it?”

 

As if worried I might wake up, Father suppressed his anger and spoke in a low voice.

 

‘No, why are you picking on the poor physician, Father?’

 

Even from where I lay some distance away, I could imagine how bewildered the physician must be.

 

‘Isn’t it good when a baby doesn’t cry?’

 

Besides, I did whimper sometimes.

 

Admittedly, that was when I tried to say something and it came out that way.

 

Lately, I’d even stopped doing that, since attempting to speak before I could babble seemed only to produce crying sounds.

 

And as for smiling….

 

‘…It’s not good for us to get too attached to each other.’

 

I was wary of them, but at the same time I worried about them.

 

Throughout the nearly two months since my birth, I hadn’t been doing nothing but bristling at my family.

 

I had eyes, too.

 

Of course, I believed that the chances of having an ordinarily good family were almost nonexistent, given that I had been born here.

 

But I wasn’t so twisted that I had to interpret every kindness they showed me as something bad.

 

I could simply accept their kindness for what it was and deal with anything bad when it happened.

 

‘Not that they could seriously hurt me anyway.’

 

Using my power in this baby body would be troublesome, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t use it at all.

 

So I deliberately behaved even more impassively.

 

‘Of course, a miracle like that probably won’t happen….’

 

But there was always a one-in-a-million chance.

 

If they really were good people and remained a loving family until the very end….

 

‘The ending would be painful for all of us.’

 

Even more so if my father truly was as excessively goodhearted as I suspected, and my mother as affectionate as she’d been so far.

 

‘Because I’m going to die before I turn twenty.’

 

That was an unavoidable fate even I couldn’t change.

 

Why else would I have given up my life so obediently?

 

It was because, after living so many times, I’d learned to my bones that struggling against it was useless.

 

And….

 

‘I don’t want to see another kind person suffering….’

 

There had been exactly one in all my many lives.

 

Someone who had grown fond of me, shed tears at my sacrifice, and begged me not to go.

 

It was an incredibly distant memory, but precisely because that person had been the only one, it remained painfully vivid.

 

“There might be a way if we look for one, so—”

 

That person hadn’t even been family.

 

He was only a stranger I hadn’t been particularly close to, someone I’d met from time to time during the final year of my life.

 

Yet he’d grown attached to me in that short time, and we’d both had to suffer.

 

‘If my parents are people like that….’

 

If it were only me getting hurt, I wouldn’t mind.

 

I was used to it and had grown numb anyway.

 

But I didn’t want the people left behind to feel that pain.

 

For parting ways, shameless people like those in my ninety-ninth life were much better.

 

‘That’s why I didn’t smile….’

 

I’d never dreamed they would take it so seriously.

 

‘This is seriously strange….’

 

A perfectly competent man was even in danger of losing his job over it.

 

The physician pleaded with Father in a trembling voice.

 

“It’s true! I would stake everything I have on it! The youngest lady really is healthy!”

 

“Then should I have that useless head of yours removed?”

 

Oh dear….

 

Father, are you that sort of person?

 

‘There’s no helping it, then.’

 

I hadn’t cried loudly because the memory of having a knife held to my throat so many times made me recoil from it.

 

But that didn’t mean I could let someone else’s head be chopped off.

 

I tightened my stomach muscles.

 

After all, every time I tried to say something, it came out as crying.

 

I shouted at the top of my lungs.

 

‘I’m really healthy! Stop tormenting an innocent person!’

 

Of course, the sound that actually emerged was….

 

“Waaaaah—!”

 

A baby’s hearty wail.

 

“Ah, oh dear, our widdle one. Did Daddy’s voice scawe you?”

 

“Anastasia, Mommy’s here. Did you get frightened because you woke up and no one was beside you?”

 

My parents, who had been acting as though they were about to devour the physician a moment ago, rushed over and became their familiar selves again.

 

I heard the physician sigh in relief as if his life had been saved, and felt a little reassured.

 

Although….

 

“Our baby, so you had such a big, pretty voice.”

 

“Daddy just wanted to hear your voice, too. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

 

Seeing my parents act as though they were soothing a genuinely crying baby made me a little embarrassed.

 

Still, it felt strange.

 

‘…Every time I cried this loudly before, something bad always happened.’

 

Ever since my first, most ordinary life.

 

“What are you crying for? If you fell over on your own, learn to get up on your own.”

 

“What an irritating noise. Shall I just kill her?”

 

“Lady Saint, shouldn’t you be a bit more divine if you’re going to be called a holy infant?”

 

That was how it had always been….

 

‘Why do you look so happy when your child is crying?’

 

As though they were relieved, as though everything was all right….

 

I felt something warm rising from deep in my belly toward my throat.

 

An unfamiliar emotion welled up all on its own.

 

“Hng, hiiing….”

 

Perhaps that was why, although habit prevented me from crying any louder, a whimper slipped out.

 

“There, there, our baby. It’s all right. Mommy and Daddy will protect you from everything.”

 

Mother kissed my forehead and patted my back.

 

As my eyes began to droop beneath her warm touch yet again, this time I didn’t resist. I obediently rested against her shoulder.