Simmering Heat Chapter 15.1

Trying not to think about something often means you’re thinking about it constantly.

Jinhyun realized this. His week-long struggle to not think about Lee Taeun had been the same as thinking about him all along. Even when he tried to study, images of Taeun kept flashing before his eyes, obscuring the words on the page.

There were a few specific moments that replayed in his mind: Taeun’s bright smile in the darkness of the cafe, the sound of his hesitant footsteps approaching, his back turned as a hand reached out to touch his shoulder. These phantom memories clung to him like barnacles. His expression soured.

“Ugh!”

Jinhyun threw his cigarette down in frustration, the sudden outburst echoing through the air. The guy next to him flinched and turned.

“Damn, what was that?”

“Fuck, don’t talk to me.”

“Whoa… someone’s in a mood.”

Ignoring the criticism, Jinhyun lit another cigarette. He took a long drag, then leaned against the terrace railing, his head bowed. His sharp shoulder blades and toned back rose and fell with each heavy sigh. His posture was one of self-deprecation.

“You okay? You look like you’ve been studying so hard your face is about to fall off.”

The guy gestured towards Jinhyun’s face with his cigarette, his tone laced with concern. The bloodshot whites of his eyes, framed by furrowed brows, were unsettling.

“Look in a mirror.”

Jinhyun took a drag of his cigarette, dismissing the comment.

He’d rather have been studying. The dark circles under his eyes had another cause.

That Friday night, after being left alone at the cafe, Jinhyun had stayed there until closing time, lost in thought.

He’d recognized the hypocrisy of his actions. He was the one who’d rejected Taeun’s confession, the one who’d said he’d wait, the one who’d insisted on staying friends, all while being selfish. Right, I overreacted over one unanswered text. He acknowledged his pathetic behavior and made up his mind. He would wait. He’d exchange updates with Taeun every Saturday, until he came home. He returned to the apartment and went straight to Taeun’s room.

He threw open the built-in wardrobe and stood there for a long time, staring at the winter clothes and miscellaneous items inside.

Jinhyun slowly backed away and sat heavily on the bed, his eyes fixed on the open wardrobe. He tried to calm his racing thoughts, taking in the sight of Taeun’s remaining clothes.

‘He’ll be back.’

He repeated the mantra until the boiling rage within him cooled down slightly.

But it was still simmering, and he couldn’t sleep, even past midnight. The weekend passed by in a blur. His sleep schedule was a mess. He couldn’t study. He couldn’t sleep.

Early Monday morning, Jinhyun finally went to bed, only to toss and turn for hours before giving up and reaching for his phone. He searched for meditation videos, mindfulness exercises, anything that would help him sleep. He listened to a two-hour space documentary, but it didn’t work. Sunlight streamed through the large window. He threw his phone down. Scammers. He mentally reported all the useless videos and went to school, exhausted.

Tuesday. He had one major exam and one general education exam. Sleep-deprived, he went through the motions, his mind elsewhere.

Taeun wasn’t a constant presence, but an intermittent irritant, like a hangnail. And it didn’t take a break for exams.

The visual distraction soon became auditory. Taeun’s last words echoed in his mind.

‘…Contact me if you have something to say. I’ll reply.’

And now, he heard it again, for the umpteenth time. He sighed, staring at the dirty ceiling of the smoking area, his eyes unfocused.

“Contact me if you have something to say” meant just that: contact him only if he had a reason to. Jinhyun sat up and pulled out his phone. He was going to wait, but that kind of dismissal made him want to break his own rule out of spite.

We don’t need a reason to talk.

A childish sense of defiance welled up within him. He opened his messaging app and searched for Lee Taeun. But his fingers froze.

‘…How did I do it before?’

The ridiculous thought surprised him. He couldn’t believe he was actually agonizing over how to contact Lee Taeun. But he had to admit, he was at a loss. He stared at the chat window, frozen at Taeun’s name. He scrolled up. He took a deep breath, the white stick in his hand shrinking with each inhale.

There was a saying: Study the past to understand the present… Jinhyun scrolled rapidly through his chat history, hoping to glean some inspiration from his past self. They hadn’t contacted each other for years, so the older messages quickly appeared.

— January 3, 20xx —

[Hey, why aren’t you answering my calls?] 14:22

[Call me when you see this.] 14:22

— January 5, 20xx —

[Is something wrong?] 9:14

— January 10, 20xx —

[Are you avoiding me?] 11:32

— January 13, 20xx —

[Hey, did I do something wrong?] 17:53

[I need you to tell me.] 17:55

— January 17, 20xx —

[I’ve been thinking, and I can’t figure out what I did.] 9:10

[Can’t you just tell me?] 9:10

[I’m sorry if I did something to upset you. I’ll apologize properly, so let’s meet up.] 9:10

— January 23, 20xx —

[Lee Taeun] 22:50

— January 29, 20xx —

[I’m in front of your house, come out. I’ll be at the playground.] 19:52

[Answer your phone, I know you’re home.] 20:04

[Tell me what’s wrong or something, what the fuck are you doing?] 20:28

For a while, it was only Jinhyun initiating contact.

The sense of betrayal he’d felt back then resurfaced. He was also puzzled. Even when he’d been ignored back then, he hadn’t agonized over what to say. He’d just cursed and threatened. Of course, Lee Taeun had ignored that too, so it had all been for nothing.

The situation was similar, but the nuances of his feelings were different. He was angry, but… Jinhyun cracked his neck. Annoyed, he continued scrolling. Like a salmon swimming upstream, he went back through December, November, October… He searched for his own initiated messages, but also started reading the older conversations.

— October 21, 20xx —

[Lee Taeun: Hey] 15:32

[Lee Taeun: Hey…] 15:42

[Lee Taeun: Please reply] 16:03

[Yeah] 16:08

[Lee Taeun: So insincere] 16:09

[Lee Taeun: Say something longer] 16:09

[Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah] 16:11

[Lee Taeun: Ugh, so annoying ㅠ] 16:11

Taeun usually initiated contact. Looking back, it felt strange. He couldn’t explain why. He just felt… like he’d been too insensitive. Jinhyun scrolled further, a strange feeling settling over him.

— June 11, 20xx —

[Where are you? I’m going to kill you.] 12:43

[Lee Taeun: I’m sorry] 12:43

[Lee Taeun: On my way, I’ll be there soon] 12:43

[Lee Taeun: I’m really sorry, hit me once] 12:43

[The fuck? Are you kidding me? Twice] 12:44

[Lee Taeun: Okay] 12:44

[No, fuck it, once per minute] 12:45

[Lee Taeun: Dude, that’s already 15 hits] 12:45

[Get here before it becomes 16] 12:45

[16] 12:45

[Lee Taeun: Ah] 12:47

[17] 12:47

…He was looking for instances where he’d initiated contact, but not like this. This was a specific situation…

— April 18, 20xx —

[Photo] 18:12

[lol] 18:12

[Lee Taeun: Delete thatㅡㅡ] 18:13

He finally found it. A casual conversation, without any specific purpose.

He didn’t remember the exact date, but he could guess. He’d probably sent a photo to tease Taeun.

The expired photo was blurry, its pixels distorted. Cha Jinhyun squinted, like an old man reading fine print. He recognized the photo immediately.

It was a picture of Lee Taeun crying after receiving his university acceptance letter, taken during the winter after their college entrance exams. Everyone else had already gotten their acceptance letters, including Cha Jinhyun. Lee Taeun, left behind, had been wallowing in his misery, convinced he’d have to retake the exam.

He must have called him out for a meal, seeing how miserable he was. Taeun had answered the phone, his voice choked with tears, and eventually started crying. Jinhyun had captured the moment, both in video and photos, and would send them to Taeun whenever he was bored, just to tease him.

[You’re cute, though] 18:14

[Can I make this my profile picture?] 18:15

[Lee Taeun: How much longer are you going to do this?] 18:24

[lol why so serious?] 18:25

Jinhyun’s long thumb slowly scrolled past Taeun’s short message. It probably meant nothing, but the ten-minute gap bothered him.

What was Lee Taeun thinking for those ten minutes?

Was he already into me back then, in the early spring of our twenty-first year?

Questions he hadn’t cared about when he’d first received the confession were now surfacing. Revisiting the past wasn’t helpful. He couldn’t just send him an embarrassing photo out of the blue, and he didn’t want to.

Jinhyun pocketed his phone without typing a single word. What’s the point? He turned to his friend, who was chain-smoking.

“Hey, can I punch you a few times?”

His friend choked on his cigarette at the sudden threat.

“What the fuck? Did you fail your exam or something?”

“Just let me hit you a few times. I’m pissed.”

“You crazy bastard, get away from me.”

His friend backed away at the serious request. Cha Jinhyun clicked his tongue, staring straight ahead. It wasn’t the poorly written exam or Lee Taeun’s firm rejection that was bothering him. It was the place Lee Taeun had gone to.

‘Of all the places, why that pervert’s house?’

At some point, Jinhyun had started labeling Seo Jaeoh as a “pervert.” He considered it a logical conclusion. If Seo Jaeoh harbored feelings for Lee Taeun, it was unlikely they’d developed so suddenly, after just reconnecting. Which meant, if his assumption was correct, Seo Jaeoh had been interested in him since high school, when Lee Taeun was his student…

‘No, don’t overthink it.’

Jinhyun exhaled, a cloud of smoke billowing around him. He’d already considered this on Friday night. It was premature to assume romantic interest based on a few kind words. They were both men, after all…

But both he and Lee Taeun were men. Men he hadn’t even considered could have romantic feelings for him.

‘…Let’s consider it a possibility.’

He revised his previous assessment. A sudden tightness constricted his chest. A jumble of thoughts swirled in his mind.

They’re probably living together. Eating together, just like we used to. Showering, sleeping, waking up, changing clothes in that house…

It was a house shared by two men. Lee Taeun probably walked around shirtless. He’d always been bundled up around Jinhyun because he liked him. He wouldn’t bother in that house. He might even walk around completely naked. It would be weirder to be cautious in front of someone he didn’t like. But still… isn’t that a bit much? Being so careless in front of a pervert…

Jinhyun tossed his second cigarette into the ashtray and sighed, his mind overheating.

“It’s not the end of the world if you failed an exam, dude. You don’t have to resort to violence.”

His friend, assuming his irritable mood and outburst were due to the exam, offered a clumsy consolation.

“Are you coming tonight?”

“To what?”

He followed up with a vague question. Cha Jinhyun replied indifferently.

“Some of us are grabbing drinks to celebrate the end of exams. Didn’t you see the group chat? A few people are coming. The ones who are done with exams.”

He wasn’t interested. Jinhyun shook his head.

“I’m not going.”

“You don’t have any more exams left.”

“Is there a rule that says you have to drink after exams?”

“Uh, yeah? Didn’t you know?”

“Fine, twist my arm.”

He turned away. He wasn’t in the mood for mindless drinking.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah.”

Is Lee Taeun in class right now? He wondered. He was still bothered by their encounter last Friday. He’d gone to check on Taeun and ended up making things worse.

Friday, Friday.

Jinhyun stopped at the door. He turned to his friend, who was packing his bag.

“Did you guys decide where to go?”

…It was Friday then, and it’s Friday today.

“Not really. I think we’ll just go somewhere nearby.”

“Ah… okay.”

Lee Taeun was probably going to work.

“Then I’ll decide.”

“Whatever, you said you weren’t coming.”

“Don’t you know about peer pressure?”

“You’re so indecisive… just send the location in the group chat. I’ll let the others know.”

“Yeah.”

Jinhyun replied curtly and left the terrace.

He thought a drink wouldn’t be so bad after all. That’s all.

🔥

“There are tons of bars near the back gate, why are we coming all the way here?”

“The food must be good.”

“Cha Jinhyun, is that you?”

End of exams, Friday, university district food alley. The bar, fulfilling all three criteria, was predictably noisy. The newly arrived patrons were huddled around their tables, chattering and studying the menus.

“I don’t know, probably.”

But Jinhyun was miles away.

“What’s with him? He’s the one who suggested this place.”

His friend across from him responded to his indifferent reply with a bewildered tone. Jinhyun gestured vaguely at the menu without looking at him. Pick something.

“What’s his deal?”

“Did he fail his exam? He’s been like this all day.”

Jinhyun ignored their comments. His attention was elsewhere. His eyes followed Lee Taeun’s movements.

He’d come to the bar to clear his head, to celebrate the end of exams. He’d repeated these trivial excuses to himself as a defense mechanism. And his friend group had ended up at Taeun’s workplace. It had been Jinhyun’s choice. He’d remembered the bar from last week. It had a nice atmosphere and was spacious. I’m not here to see Lee Taeun. I’m here for a drink, then I’m going home to sleep. A drink, then sleep. A drink, then…

“…….”

But the moment he stepped inside, the “drink” mantra vanished. Lee Taeun was nowhere in sight. Panic set in. Did I get the day wrong? Did his shift change? He stood at the entrance, scanning the bar, when he finally spotted Taeun through the opening in the kitchen curtain. He let out a sigh of relief.

The sigh was a contradiction. A self-defeating, hypocritical breath.

He had to admit it. He’d come to see Lee Taeun. That was the only reason.

His sleep-deprived body wasn’t in any condition to drink. His bloodshot eyes stung, his eyelids heavy. He was exhausted, and it was all because of a certain childhood friend.

‘He’s not even making eye contact.’

Lee Taeun was blatantly ignoring him.

Taeun’s eyes had widened in surprise when he saw Jinhyun, as if he’d seen a ghost. His unfinished greeting, “Welco…,” clearly showed how flustered he was. Running into the same person, two weeks in a row, on the same day, at the same time, was unsettling. Especially if that person was the one who’d just rejected you…

But Jinhyun was annoyed by Taeun’s genuine, and entirely reasonable, reaction. He would have been overjoyed to see him before. Now, he was making it obvious how uncomfortable he was. And what was even stranger was that Jinhyun was starting to feel awkward too. He hadn’t felt this much difficulty talking to Taeun, even after their awkward kiss or their fight.

We’re going to see each other tomorrow anyway, at the club meeting. Is he planning on acting like this then too? Wait, if I’m going to see him tomorrow anyway, why am I even here?

Jinhyun rested his head in his hand, mocking himself. Nothing made sense anymore. Lately, all his actions were backwards. He used to think things through, plan, then act. But lately, that had become difficult.

He acted impulsively, then tried to come up with a reason, but there wasn’t one. He just… wanted to. He’d grabbed Taeun because he didn’t want him to leave. He’d said stupid things to stall him, only to make things worse. And now this. He’d come to the bar even though there was no reason to. All his resolutions to wait patiently had been a waste of time.

He sighed. Just then, the cheerful chime of the service bell rang out. It was their table.

They’d finally decided on their order. Taeun’s face crumpled as he checked the small electronic display on the wall. The other server was busy with a customer, so he was the only one available.

Cornered, Taeun slowly approached their table, his expression a mix of apprehension and annoyance. ‘Do you hate me that much?’ Jinhyun wanted to ask. But he also didn’t want to know the answer.

“Can I… take your order?”

Taeun muttered, his eyes fixed on the menu. No greeting, of course. …Is he still mad? He usually doesn’t hold grudges.

Jinhyun leaned back slightly, his eyes fixed on Taeun.

“Three bottles of soju, four bottles of beer, odengtang, buchu pancake, and a sausage platter. And six beer glasses and six soju glasses. Oh, and another bottle of water. Anyone want somaek?”

“Just order everything,” someone said confidently.

“Two bottles of cider too, please.”

The long order was finally complete.

He’d rattled off the items so quickly it was almost impossible to understand. Taeun’s expression had gradually morphed into one of bewildered confusion. Jinhyun recognized the look. Flustered, trying to hide it, unsure what to do.

“Okay, um… one moment. Three soju, four beer, budaengtang, ochu pancake, sausage moodum, cider.”

“What?”

“I mean, odeng pancake, buchu soup.”

Flustered, Taeun always made silly mistakes. A quiet chuckle came from the end of the table. Taeun’s lips tightened, and he blinked rapidly.

“Odengtang! Buchujeon!”

“I-I’m sorry.”

Taeun rubbed the back of his neck, offering an awkward smile. He pulled out a notepad and scribbled down the order. He was mumbling “budaeng,” “chudaeng,” his brow furrowed in concentration, clearly struggling to process the words. Jinhyun covered his mouth with his fist to stifle a laugh.

He’s so ridiculous. …So cute. His eyes remained fixed on Taeun.

He observed every detail – his furrowed brows, his slightly parted lips – suppressing a strange urge. He wanted to pinch his cheeks, and at the same time, pull on his lips. He decided the budaengtang and ochu pancake wouldn’t be so bad if it meant he could keep watching Taeun.

“I’ll be right back with your order.”

Taeun scribbled down the last item, double-checked his notes, and turned to leave. Just as their brief, non-existent reunion was about to end, Jinhyun felt a surge of impatience. Before he could call out to him, his long legs moved on their own. He’d positioned himself at the end of the table, effectively trapping Taeun between his legs.

Slightly flustered by his own actions, Jinhyun maintained a casual demeanor as he stared at Taeun. Taeun instinctively glanced back, his expression hardening in surprise. Their eyes finally met. After a brief silence, Taeun sighed.

“What.”

That was it.

Jinhyun was speechless. Why did I do that? He’d just wanted to say hello.

What a coincidence, you work here? How have you been? It’s been a while. Are you still mad? How’s work? Is it tough, working at a bar…?

He had so much he wanted to say, but no words came out.

“…Hi.”

That’s all he managed to say. Fuck. He cursed inwardly, mortified by his own awkwardness. The back of his neck felt hot under Taeun’s indifferent gaze. He waited for a response.

Taeun simply nodded. Then he turned and walked away. He checked the electronic display, entered the order into the POS system, responded to the chime of the service bell, and moved on to another table. The perfunctory response deflated Jinhyun. It was a polite dismissal.

His tensed shoulders slumped. He’d been nervous. His restless energy dissipated. Lee Taeun, so calm and cold towards him, was the most surreal thing he’d ever experienced. Or was it the second? The first was Taeun’s sudden disappearance.

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. It was almost comical that all the pebbles disrupting the smooth flow of his life were caused by the same person. Jinhyun drained his glass of water, grabbed his phone, and stood up.

“Where are you going?”

“Smoke break.”

His stomach churned. He needed to burn away the frustration, anger, or perhaps sadness, before it turned into a full-blown tantrum.

🔥

While he was outside smoking, the drinks arrived, and his friends were busy pouring drinks and mixing soju and beer. Jinhyun, his head slightly bowed, hands in his pockets, paused at the entrance. Taeun’s back caught his attention.

Lee Taeun was clearing a table. He was wiping it down with a rag, his movements brisk. He stood at the end of the long table, his arms moving back and forth. His shirt rode up slightly, revealing a sliver of skin. The dip in his back, just above his waist. Barely two finger-widths. Jinhyun looked away and headed back to his table.

Halfway there, he abruptly turned around, like a model at the end of a runway.

This is really bothering me. He walked towards Taeun. He reached out and pulled Taeun’s shirt down. Taeun whipped around, his expression not surprised, but annoyed. His furrowed brows seemed to be saying, ‘Why do you keep bothering me, asshole?’ Jinhyun frowned back, hoping his own expression conveyed, ‘Then stop being so distracting.’

“What, again.”

Taeun’s lips, not his brows, formed the words. Right, brows can’t talk. He pushed the ridiculous thought aside.

“Because I saw it.”

He immediately regretted his words. It was practically an admission that he’d been watching.

Taeun, seemingly not reading that much into it, put down the rag and adjusted his shirt. He tilted his head to one side, then pulled up his pants. Then he tilted his head the other way and slightly lowered them. Jinhyun watched, puzzled. Taeun finally looked up at him, his eyes narrowed, and picked up the rag again.

“Don’t touch… just use your words.”

His words were curt, but his ears were red. Jinhyun felt a pang of something akin to resentment, but closer to hurt. The memory of Taeun’s cold “What” resurfaced.

“You.”

Are you going to keep pushing me away?

He stopped himself before the whiny words escaped. He took a deep breath.

“…Be careful.”

He couldn’t scold Taeun while he was working. He’d be the asshole causing a scene. Jinhyun ran a hand through his hair and returned to his table, annoyed. He sat down, and someone immediately handed him a glass filled with a mixture of soju and beer.

“Cheers!”

Jinhyun clinked his glass against theirs.

He couldn’t focus on the conversation or the food, even as the drinks flowed and the plates emptied. He felt a strange tightness in his chest. He was exhausted, but he didn’t want to go home. He just kept drinking, half-heartedly participating in the conversation and picking at the food.

After four or five drinks, he started feeling the alcohol. One bottle of soju was his limit, and especially on a day like today, he was feeling it after only half a bottle. I’ll be drunk if I drink any more. He was about to put down his half-empty glass when someone spoke.

“Hey, do you know him?”

The girl sitting next to him nudged his shoulder, her question unexpected. She gestured towards Taeun with her chin. She must have seen their brief interaction.

“Yeah, he’s my friend.”

He looked away as he spoke. The word “friend” felt strange on his tongue.

“From our school?”

“No, K University.”

“Perfect.”

She glanced at Lee Taeun again. Her reason for suddenly asking about Taeun was obvious. She’d ask if they were close, then if he had a girlfriend. Jinhyun preemptively cut her off.

“He has someone he likes.”

And that’s me… He swallowed the rest of his words, along with a gulp of water.

“So, no girlfriend.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Not me, Sohyun. She wants me to introduce her to someone, but she refuses to date anyone from our school, and I don’t really know anyone else.”

The unexpected name made Jinhyun’s sluggish mind search for “Sohyun.” Same department, same year, senior… And the guy who was always with her.

“Doesn’t she have a boyfriend?”

“They broke up a while ago. Are you that oblivious?”

“We’re not that close.”

“Sohyun’s going to be so hurt if she hears you say that.”

“What am I supposed to do if we’re not close?”

Jinhyun tilted his head.

“Anyway, he’s not dating anyone, so give up.”

“Why? He seems popular. Is it because of the person he likes?”

Even for him, it was difficult to admit the truth. He picked up a piece of popcorn, deflecting the question.

“Just ask him. He doesn’t have a girlfriend.”

If I say no, she’ll ask why. And if he said he just didn’t want to, they’d go in circles. Jinhyun wondered how to end the conversation. He could just agree, but he didn’t want to. If he ignored her… would she go ask Taeun for his number? He definitely didn’t want that. He watched Taeun disappear through the back door, then opened his messaging app.

[Hey, want a blind date?] 22:40

He sent the text casually.

[Kim Sunghyun: Are you insane?] 22:40

A reply arrived within five seconds. He showed the screen to Kim Jisoo without saying anything. He didn’t need to change the contact name since she didn’t know Sunghyun.

“See.”

He spoke casually, with utter confidence. The foundation of a good lie was a natural delivery. Texting someone who was working right in front of him, and that person replying immediately, was suspicious, but he was confident he wouldn’t get caught. That was the power of alcohol – it dulled his inhibitions.

“Wow, that was fast.”

Kim Jisoo, completely fooled, was expressing her disappointment when another message arrived.

[Kim Sunghyun: Why are you being like this?] 22:40

[Kim Sunghyun: What’s wrong this time?] 22:40

Kim Jisoo, who had been reading the messages along with him, shook her head and straightened up.

“Forget it. He’s being way too hostile.”

She turned away, no longer interested. Jinhyun replied to the messages, then lost in thought.

‘Was he popular?’

The comment about Taeun seeming popular bothered him. Jinhyun didn’t know anything about Taeun’s past relationships. He’d never asked, never cared. It had simply never crossed his mind. But now, the thought had taken root, growing into a full-blown curiosity.

Lee Taeun’s love life.

It was a topic he’d never considered before, yet it had started to niggle at him.

He vaguely remembered Taeun mentioning receiving confessions a couple of times. He’d assumed they were from girls. But now, the possibility that they might have been from guys surfaced.

…Maybe it was a guy. He couldn’t remember if Taeun had mentioned being rejected. He’d heard this story years ago, during their freshman year. After that, there had been a long silence. Taeun had run away to sever ties, so he might have met someone else after that.

‘No, that’s impossible.’

He’d gone to the military right after… Could it have been in the military? No, he hadn’t heard anything about Taeun getting into trouble. There had been about six months after he was discharged… Then? No, impossible. He was a terrible kisser. Maybe they dated but never kissed… Or maybe he’d only been on the receiving end, so he hadn’t had a chance to…

‘Fuck, why do I even care?’

He forced himself to stop the spiraling thoughts. He grabbed his neglected drink and poured himself a shot of soju, as if trying to disinfect his brain.

“Hey, drink with us.”

He ignored his friend’s playful chiding, lost in his own thoughts. His mind felt numb. He blinked slowly.

And then, he remembered. Seo Jaeoh’s smarmy voice calling Taeun “pretty,” and himself, agreeing with that bullshit. His gaze drifted back to Taeun, as if reconfirming his earlier observation.

Taeun, having just washed his hands, hurried off somewhere. His female coworker was carrying a tray piled high with dishes, her steps unsteady. Lee Taeun, without hesitation, took the tray from her and muttered something.

The woman playfully hit Taeun’s shoulder, complaining. Taeun shrugged dramatically and smiled sheepishly. Jinhyun’s gaze trailed down Taeun’s face.

His height, taller than the woman, the defined line of his throat, his sloping shoulders, his toned arms. Undeniably male. The very image of a man he’d never considered pretty. And yet…

He swallowed. His opinion hadn’t changed.

“Crazy…”

He muttered to himself. He felt a sudden urge to do something, anything. He grabbed the soju bottle and poured it into his glass, then downed it in one gulp. His tongue went numb. His mouth felt dry, like a desert. He poured himself another shot and drank it. His vision blurred. Someone yelled, “That’s a beer glass, you idiot!” but it was too late.

I thought it was a bit big. Fuck, get the server. Who leaves a glass this big and expects people not to be confused…

“Ugh…”

He groaned, rubbing his face with his hand. His hand covered his face. The skin beneath his jaw and along his collarbone was flushed.

He leaned forward, resting his head on the table. Then he turned his head slightly and looked at Taeun.

Lee Taeun looked… better than he’d expected.

He’ll be fine. The words he’d whispered while watching Taeun sleep were slowly coming true. Given enough time, this awkwardness would fade. And with more time, everything would go back to normal. The past would remain in the past. They would bury their mistakes and move on.

That’s what he’d wanted. For the Taeun he knew to come back.

He’d definitely wanted that…

His eyes drifted closed. A faint question echoed in his fading consciousness.

Why are you already fine?

It was a ridiculous question.

🔥

The residential streets were quiet in the early hours of the morning. In the narrow alleyways lined with gray buildings, the only sound was the falling rain. The humid air had finally given way to a drizzle.

The man walking under the streetlights dragged his feet, his steps heavy. He carried his umbrella over his shoulder, one hand in his pocket. The smell of alcohol emanated from him. He looked up from his feet.

He’d thought he was going home, but he was standing in front of a small park.

I’m really drunk. Jinhyun chuckled in disbelief. He wasn’t surprised by the unconscious detour. His eyes, blurry with alcohol, slowly scanned his surroundings. A small flowerbed, exercise equipment, a slide, an old swing set, benches scattered throughout the park.

One bench, in particular, was familiar. The one that had trapped his ass. He remembered Taeun’s serious request to call 119, and a chuckle escaped his lips.

Jinhyun walked into the park. The pavilion would provide some shelter from the rain. He closed his umbrella, shook off the water, and sat down on the wooden floor.

The stillness unleashed the suppressed effects of the alcohol. A buzzing sound filled his head. He rested his elbows on his thighs, lowered his head, and took a deep breath, his blurry vision slowly returning to focus.

‘What the hell am I doing?’

He scoffed at himself. Why am I here? A long sigh escaped his dry lips. He was here because of the umbrella.

He closed his eyes, retracing his steps from the bar to the park.

🔥

His low alcohol tolerance meant he’d passed out the moment he’d exceeded his limit.

Sleep deprivation had made it inevitable. He woke up to someone shaking his shoulder, his face creased in annoyance. Some time had passed. The brief nap had cleared his head somewhat, but his body felt heavy. He rubbed his forehead.

“You okay? You were out cold. Why did you drink so much?”

Kim Jisoo, who had woken him up, handed him a glass of water, her voice a mix of concern and reproach. Jinhyun drank the water in one gulp, his vision clearing slightly.

“What time is it…?”

“A little past midnight. You were out for over an hour.”

Midnight… Jinhyun quickly looked around. The scenery had changed. The noisy table next to them was gone. The server was different. Lee Taeun was nowhere in sight.

“Looking for someone?”

He was about to say “Lee Taeun,” but stopped himself, remembering his lie.

“…The server.”

“Oh, that friend of yours? He left. I saw him walking out with his bag.”

It was past midnight, so it wasn’t surprising. But Jinhyun stared at her in disbelief.

He just left me like that?

Lee Taeun had always been his designated caretaker whenever they drank. He would always drink Jinhyun’s share, even though Jinhyun could have easily refused. He wouldn’t just leave… A wave of disappointment washed over him, but he quickly pushed it aside.

He realized, once again, that Taeun’s actions had been born out of affection. And that he wouldn’t do that anymore.

A burning sensation rose in his throat. A sudden surge of sadness welled up inside him. He clenched his fists. He felt a sense of freefall.

“He told me to give you this.”

The words stopped his descent. Jinhyun turned his head in surprise.

“Wait, I left it here somewhere.”

Kim Jisoo bent down and retrieved a long umbrella. Jinhyun realized it was raining.

“The others went to buy umbrellas. You saved some money thanks to your friend.”

He didn’t hear her playful comment.

“What did he say?”

“Huh?”

“When he gave you this, what did he say?”

A flicker of hope ignited within him. He ignored me, but he gave me his umbrella? His voice was slightly higher, more urgent.

“He said to give it to you if it was still raining when you left.”

“…Anything else?”

“Not really. When I said okay, he bowed like 90 degrees and told me to have fun. I felt like a grandma.”

Kim Jisoo chuckled, finishing her drink. His fleeting sense of hope dissipated. What else would he say?

But he felt strangely deflated.

Jinhyun straightened up and poured himself another glass of water. Was he really not curious at all? Like, why I drank so much, or if something was wrong… His head, which had been throbbing slightly, began to ache more intensely. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to control his emotions.

He picked at his fingernails, then spoke again. A small worry had surfaced.

“…Did he take an umbrella?”

He took one, Kim Jisoo replied. He was relieved. He’d been worried Taeun had given him his own. Lee Taeun was sometimes too kind, too willing to put himself at a disadvantage. He’d always nagged him about it…

Jinhyun finished his water, picked up the umbrella, and stood up. There was no reason to stay.

🔥

He walked aimlessly. He opened his eyes. The brief flashback ended, and the quiet scenery filled his vision.

He’d come to this park once before, looking for a drunk Taeun. Taeun had awkwardly looked after him then too. He remembered the messy note: ‘Take umbrella don’t leave home.’ He’d found it endearing that Taeun had tagged him in a post asking people to tag the person they loved. Jinhyun rested his forehead on his arm, chuckling softly. The chuckle turned into a sigh.

…What does this mean?

He turned his head, his forehead still resting on his arm, and looked at the umbrella.

“He… gave me his umbrella.”

The foolish words escaped his lips. His alcohol-soaked brain went into overdrive.

The thought, ‘Did he buy this, or was it from the bar?’ evolved into, ‘If he bought it, why did he buy an expensive long umbrella instead of a cheap 3,000 won one?’ And finally, ‘…Because I’m still the person he loves?’

There was no one to answer his question. The unanswered question felt like a weight on his chest.

He blinked slowly, staring at the ground, then pulled out his phone, as if he’d made a decision. He unlocked it, opened his contacts, and searched for “Lee Taeun.” The familiar number appeared. He’d memorized it before going to the military, just in case. He’d never needed to use it…

His finger hovered over the call button.

What are you going to do? Cha Jinhyun asked himself. I don’t know, he replied. It was ridiculous. He engaged in a fierce internal debate.

Just go home. No. Why? I don’t know. Are you an idiot? What are you going to say? I don’t know that either. Then don’t call. No. Why? I want to hear his voice. Why? Just because. Just because…

The aimless desire was becoming familiar. There was no point in searching for a reason. He’d tried, and failed. He just wanted to hear Taeun’s voice. Hello. Even just that one word. Is he asleep? Maybe I can hear him breathing…

Jinhyun hesitated, frozen in time. His finger trembled. He finally pressed the button. He brought the phone to his ear, his breath catching in his throat. He waited for the familiar ringtone.

“…….”

Jinhyun frowned, lowering the phone.

‘Did I dial the wrong number?’

Taeun’s name was clearly displayed on the screen. The usual ringtone was gone, replaced by a simple dial tone. He changed his ringtone. No, he’d removed it. He hesitated before bringing the phone back to his ear.

“…Ah.”

The soft gasp was a prelude to realization.

The clear dial tone triggered a distant memory.

A day near the end of winter break, when he was eighteen. The humming heater, the stale air, the noisy classroom after fifth period, Lee Taeun slumped over his desk, headphones on. His cheek pressed against his textbook…

His seat had been empty, so Jinhyun had sat next to him without thinking. Taeun’s sleeping face looked ridiculous, so he’d snapped a few pictures before putting his phone away. He’d suddenly become curious about what Taeun was listening to. He took the earbud out of Taeun’s right ear and put it in his own. Taeun, surprisingly, was listening to a mellow pop song.

Taeun, startled by the missing earbud, fumbled at his ear. His hand drifted in the air before landing on his desk. His eyelids fluttered open. His eyes darted around before focusing on Jinhyun. Their eyes met. “Good nap?” Jinhyun had greeted him. Taeun flinched, surprised. A small smile touched his cheek, still flushed from being pressed against the desk.

“How do you even manage to drool like that in your sleep?”

Taeun, without wiping it away, quickly covered his mouth. “It’s not drool, it’s sweat,” he’d mumbled. Apparently, sweat was cleaner than drool. This new species of human, who spat sweat from his mouth, closed his textbook, now marked with a circular water stain, and rubbed his lips. His sleepy face, his curt reply, were as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. Even the faint melody of the song they’d shared.

“Nice song. What’s it called?”

“I’m surprised you’re complimenting my taste in music…”

“So what’s it called?”

Lee Taeun hesitated before answering. He looked away, then smiled faintly. A strange mix of sadness and happiness. He’d refused to tell him the name of the song. The melody had faded from his memory.

He’d only remembered it because he’d heard it again a few days later, coming from his phone.

“You heard my ringtone?”

Taeun’s voice had been filled with anticipation.

“Yeah, so what’s the name of the song?”

And Taeun’s satisfied chuckle over the phone echoed in his mind, mingling with the sound of the rain.

“I don’t want to tell you.”

That’s all Lee Taeun had said.

He hadn’t said, “Call me if you want to hear it.” He finally understood the meaning behind Taeun’s childish stubbornness. He’d been shy, clumsy, and easily scared. A sudden pang of something sharp twisted inside him. He bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

The song he’d so carefully guarded was no longer there. The small change was significant. Jinhyun stared at his hand, slowly curling his fingers.

Eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one…

He curled all five fingers, then extended two. His hand trembled slightly. His lips, moving as if counting, stopped at twenty-four.

“…….”

The cold dial tone grated on his ears. He realized that the affection Taeun had so clumsily hidden was scattered throughout his memories. A tightness constricted his chest. He couldn’t comprehend what it must have been like, waiting for a phone call for seven years, hiding behind a song title.

Why, how, when?

Questions he’d deliberately avoided asking, even after the confession.

He’d ignored them because he didn’t want to know the answers, because knowing wouldn’t change anything. But the answers had found him, shaking him to his core. Knowing wouldn’t change anything now. It shouldn’t. But he couldn’t calm down. He uncurled his fingers and rubbed his face.

Just then…

The dial tone stopped. There was no voicemail greeting, just a faint static. One second, two seconds… the silence stretched on. Jinhyun couldn’t speak. He opened and closed his mouth, sighing silently. He had so many questions, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

What should I say? How should I say it…?

—…Hello?

The unexpected voice interrupted his thoughts.

—Taeun’s sleeping right now… Is something wrong? I thought it might be urgent if you’re calling this late…

He didn’t hear the gentle words. His past arrogance crumbled. The rain intensified. He felt his heart plummet to his feet.

🔥

The downpour gradually subsided into a drizzle.

The fine rain, carried by the wind, dampened his clothes. The umbrella offered little protection. Jinhyun’s shoulders and pant legs were speckled with dark, wet patches.

Some things you only realize later.

Standing in the doorway, he looked at his reflection in the mirror, noticing his damp clothes. His senses, dulled by the alcohol, finally registered the discomfort.

His chilled skin made his lips tremble slightly. The musty smell of wet fabric was unpleasant. Jinhyun stared at his reflection until the automatic light in the hallway turned off. He saw a pathetic figure, soaked to the bone, and a self-deprecating smile touched his lips. The joyless smile disappeared along with the light.

He kicked off his wet clothes and headed to the bathroom. A trail of damp clothes littered the floor from the entrance to the bathroom, but he was too preoccupied to care. He undressed and stood in front of the sink, reaching for his toothbrush, then stopped. The round cup held only one toothbrush, a stark reminder of the other’s absence.

“…….”

The fragile calm he’d been clinging to shattered. He quickly looked away.

He brushed his teeth, showered, then splashed cold water on his face repeatedly. He dried himself, got dressed, and collapsed onto the bed. The damp sheets felt cold against his skin. He wasn’t usually sensitive to the cold, but he shivered and pulled the duvet tighter around himself.

He wanted to sleep. He needed to sleep. But a nameless fear clung to him like the rain. It kept him awake. The rain transformed into various shapes, assaulting his senses.

Jinhyun covered his ears.

‘…Hyung?’

‘You’re awake?’

The unwanted sounds originated from within, so covering his ears was pointless.

A voice calling someone else, a sleepy murmur, the rustle of fabric, an intimate conversation.

‘Taeun, you have a phone call.’

‘Oh… Is it for me?’

‘You haven’t been sleeping well lately, so I didn’t want to wake you…’

‘I wonder who it is… I’m not expecting any calls.’

He was trapped, forced to listen, the overheard conversation a source of unbearable pain, yet so ridiculously absurd he didn’t want to believe it.

‘…….’

The muffled conversation suddenly stopped. Lee Taeun had checked the caller ID. It’s okay to answer here. The distant words were followed by the rustling of fabric, then silence.

‘…Cha Jinhyun?’

And then, a flat voice whispered his name. The formality was unfamiliar. Just one syllable added to the usual “Jinhyun-ah.”

‘Why?’

‘…….’

He was drowning in confusion, unable to form an excuse. The silence stretched on, and Taeun sighed. The sound, a mix of exasperation and annoyance, sent a chill down his spine.

‘…Are you drunk?’

He had to say something.

‘…I think… so.’

It was a pathetic answer. He could have said something better. Did you get home okay? Or even a simple thank you for the umbrella. But he couldn’t.

Silence again. Another sigh. He felt a sudden wave of exhaustion.

‘I’m hanging up if you don’t have anything to say.’

‘…….’

He couldn’t speak, as if he’d lost his voice. Why are you being so cold? He bit back the drunken whine. Calling had been a mistake. But he didn’t know what else to do. He was powerless.

‘Goodnight.’

Lee Taeun ended the call with a perfunctory farewell, offering no concern. He could have said, “Sorry for waking you. Goodnight to you too.” But Jinhyun remained silent.

‘Come closer, you always curl up when you sleep.’

‘Ah, I…’

He’d only heard snippets of the conversation before the call ended, but the words echoed in his chest.

He sat there, phone in hand, numbly staring into the rain. They’re sleeping together. It was a startling realization.

Two people lying side by side in the same bed, the shared duvet brushing against their skin, their fingers intertwined… It wasn’t strange for people living together to share a bed, to occasionally touch.

He was the strange one.

The cruel images that filled his mind, the burning in his chest, he was the strange one. Jinhyun buried his face in his pillow, his eyes squeezed shut. His damp hair soaked into the pillowcase, releasing the scent of shampoo. The sweet fragrance made him nauseous. He swallowed repeatedly, trying to suppress the churning in his stomach. It wasn’t just the alcohol. He’d never realized how much psychological distress could affect him physically. The unfamiliar sensation made him feel like a fish out of water.

“Fuck…”

A frustrated curse escaped his lips. He curled up tighter, the duvet twisting around him.

Why? Why? I… Meaningless words echoed in his mind, like a lost animal’s whimper. It’s just… a little strange. The suppressed discomfort, piled high, finally crumbled. The ugly truth revealed itself.

A sharp pang of jealousy.

He shouldn’t be feeling this.

He should feel sympathy for Taeun’s unrequited love, not regret. He should feel a pang of sadness at hearing another person’s voice in Taeun’s ear, not a constricting tightness in his chest. It wasn’t his business who Lee Taeun shared his bed with. It wasn’t, and he shouldn’t be angry about it. But…

His impulsive actions and persistent confusion had become a silent indicator. As the truth became clearer, Jinhyun squeezed his eyes shut tighter, pressing his fist against his eyelids.

As if he could avoid it by not looking.

With the same foolish belief that opening an umbrella would keep him completely dry.

The figure huddled under the duvet shrunk further.

🔥

Jinhyun finally fell asleep just before dawn, during the darkest hour.

He dreamt. A strange dream. The kind where you know you’re dreaming, but you can’t wake up.

He was still in bed, but somehow, he was wearing his wet clothes again. He’d initially thought he was awake. If it hadn’t been for the figure next to him, he wouldn’t have realized he was dreaming.

‘…….’

It was Lee Taeun.

Smelling of toothpaste and soju. His flushed face, his loose t-shirt, his underwear-clad form, it all felt familiar.

Ah, this was the recent past. His dream had brought him back to this specific day.

The sight of Taeun sleeping peacefully calmed the turmoil within him. It was almost miraculous.

The confusion he’d struggled with on his way home had vanished so easily. It felt almost unfair. Is it because I’m dreaming? Or is it because of you? He pushed the question aside, replaying the memory.

That day, or rather, right now, he’d been lying next to a drunken Lee Taeun, holding his hand. They’d talked about nothing, he’d heard a sudden, clumsy confession… and then they’d kissed. He couldn’t remember where exactly in the sequence he was, but judging by their current position, it was before the kiss.

The only thing that was different was that Taeun wasn’t holding his hand like he had that day. He wasn’t calling his name or murmuring “I like you.” He was simply lying there, facing Jinhyun, sleeping.

Jinhyun turned to face Taeun. He carefully reached out under the duvet and intertwined their fingers. He didn’t question his actions, didn’t bother making excuses. The dream, hidden from the world, allowed him to be honest. The light touch of their skin against each other was warm.

He squeezed Taeun’s hand, missing the feeling of being held back. Taeun’s brow furrowed in his sleep, and Jinhyun quickly loosened his grip. Taeun’s brow smoothed out. The honest reaction made him chuckle.

‘…Lee Taeun.’

‘…….’

‘Are you asleep?’

He called Taeun’s name, barely a hand’s width away. He didn’t want to wake him, but he also wanted to talk to him.

‘Yeah…

Taeun mumbled a reply, his eyes still closed. He wasn’t completely asleep. Jinhyun tapped the back of Taeun’s hand rhythmically.

‘You can talk in your sleep… impressive.’

‘Now you know…

He’s asleep, but he still replies. He was always good at replying.

Even in the darkness, Taeun’s face was clear. His soft breaths reached Jinhyun’s ears. He looked at his long eyelashes, counting them one by one. Watching someone drift off to sleep was strangely captivating. The ticking of the clock on the wall added to the peaceful atmosphere.

But his heart was slowly becoming restless.

Thoughts came and went. He felt like an observer, watching fragments of his emotions float by. The chaotic fragments eventually rained down on him.

‘…Hey,’

‘…….’

‘I’m sorry.’

Crushed by their weight, the words tumbled out. The apology, like Taeun’s confession, was sudden and unexpected.

‘…For what?’

Taeun stirred and asked, his eyes half-open. The brief eye contact sent a wave of warmth through Jinhyun. The sensation felt real.

‘For not calling you often.’

Taeun rubbed his head against the pillow, his eyes narrowing as he thought about Jinhyun’s words. He mumbled a reply, still half-asleep.

‘It’s okay…

‘…….’

‘I can do it…’

A typical Taeun response. It was a foolish thought. This was just a dream.

But he knew. This was how Taeun had loved him. For the past seven years. Carrying the weight of his unrequited feelings, planting seeds of affection Jinhyun hadn’t noticed…

Jinhyun groaned, blinking against the rapid thud of his heartbeat.

He hadn’t meant to be so affected. Where had it all gone wrong? Why had every choice he’d made led him down the wrong path? Realizing that the three years he’d perceived as the length of Taeun’s affection was actually double that was just the beginning.

The moment he started revisiting Taeun’s love for him, he was already caught in its undertow.

He still wasn’t sure when it had happened. Was it after their kiss in this very spot? Or the night he’d pushed Taeun away, as he cried? The endless speculation was pointless. Jinhyun pushed the thoughts aside and focused on something else. Not what he should do, but what he wanted to do.

He wanted to hold Taeun close, to kiss his forehead, nestled amongst his soft hair. These desires stemmed from affection. His affection for Taeun wasn’t new. That’s what made it so confusing.

He’d always liked Lee Taeun. A lot. But it had always been conditional. Platonically, as a friend. He could list plenty of reasons.

Taeun was clumsy, endearingly so. His inability to be anything but straightforward often made him seem foolish, but Jinhyun admired his sincerity.

He was expressive, transparent to the point of naiveté, incapable of lying, his narrow focus often blinding him to his surroundings. But he always gave his all to whatever was in front of him. Jinhyun had always taken on the role of looking out for him. He found Taeun’s shortcomings, which often created more work for him, endearing rather than annoying.

He was easily discouraged, easily saddened, yet also quick to recover. He was never boring. His restlessness was endearing. His tendency to catastrophize, then strive for the best possible outcome, was adorable.

He’d enjoyed every moment with Taeun. He’d wanted to keep him close. For as long as possible, preferably forever. That too was affection.

But he’d never felt this tenderness, this ache in his chest, this warmth in his eyes. He’d never felt his heart race at the sight of Taeun’s sleeping face, never felt the urge to kiss him. He’d never wanted to grab Taeun’s lips as he called someone else’s name, never lost sleep thinking about his retreating figure. Not until now.

When had his affection shifted?

His heart, having veered off course, was now hurtling towards an unknown destination. The entire universe around him had begun to realign. Even the ground beneath his feet.

‘…Sorry for waking you.’

Jinhyun whispered, closing his eyes in the dream.

‘Goodnight.’

He whispered the words he hadn’t been able to say. He gently pressed his lips against Taeun’s hair. It was just a dream. A fleeting desire that would disappear when he woke up. But the warmth of the imagined touch burned in his chest.

This new, unfamiliar form of affection was a disaster.

He didn’t want to wake up.