Simmering Heat – Chapter 17.1

Author: nicotine

Five days had passed since Saturday, the day that had been ruined.

Jinhyun had been living as if suspended half a handspan above the rotating Earth. Not literally, of course, but that’s how it felt. Like he couldn’t touch the ground, nor grasp the clouds, only able to look up at the sky. Dangling, held by the scruff of his neck, the world spun on without him. He simply let the time flow by, lost in thought.

Sunday, the end of the weekend when even the God who created the heavens and the earth rested.

Jinhyun couldn’t find peace. His headache persisted, its intensity increasing. Like a dog chasing chickens, only to stare at the roof, he lay in bed, blankly staring at the ceiling.

The light coming through the window changed shape as the sun began to set. A faint vision infiltrated his gaze. Jinhyun narrowed his eyes at the shimmering face projected onto the white wallpaper. As the longed-for image appeared for the twenty-fourth time, he abruptly sat up.

Why was it that only crying faces came to mind?

They had shared countless smiles, but the only laughter he could remember was Taeun’s bright smile next to another man. The past few months had devoured fourteen years. Cha Jinhyun felt a deep sense of emptiness, but accepted it as inevitable.

These overwhelmingly hollow moments pouring down like a sudden shower – this must be what love felt like. He could only guess, like a child gradually learning the truth.

🔥

Monday was a day off from classes.

Jinhyun, who had wasted the entire day wallowing, tried to regain his composure. Waking up early, he sat at his desk and turned on his laptop as usual. He didn’t forget to glance at the empty doorway while making coffee instead of breakfast.

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): Hey Cha Jinhyun, did you finish the report?] 23:10

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): What topic did you choose? How did you organize the table of contents?] 23:10

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): That crazy professor, who submits a report right after an exam?] 23:10

[Yoo Sehyun (Business Admin): That one right there] 23:10

[Yoo Sehyun (Business Admin): LOL] 23:10

[Yang Junseok (Business Admin): Does it matter if the topics overlap?] 23:11

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): Mine is Business Strategy, don’t steal it] 23:11

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): Jinhyun, show me a little] 23:11

[Kim Jisoo (Business Admin): No, just the table of contents ㅠ I don’t know how to organize it] 23:11

Unread messages from last night filled his messenger. Jinhyun took a sip of his coffee as he read the messages that started with “Jinhyun,” progressed to “Cha,” “Hey,” “Cha Jinhyun,” “Jinhyun-nim,” and finally ended with “stingy bastard.” He closed the message window with an indifferent look, put down his warm mug, and thought,

‘I’m fucked.’

He immediately opened his planner, which he had organized at the beginning of the semester. He had completely forgotten about the report for his major class. It was understandable. For the past two weeks, his mind had been so preoccupied with one person that there was no room for trivial matters.

Staring blankly at the small word “Deadline” on the calendar, three days away, Jinhyun closed his planner. He ignored the chatroom. He had no advice to offer to someone who hadn’t even chosen a topic.

The assignment required fifteen pages. If he started now and worked day and night, he might be able to make the deadline. He briefly stretched, cracking his neck from side to side, as he unconsciously calculated the time in his head.

Yes, he had to be calm. And composed. He just had to think about what he could do now, make a plan, and prepare for the future.

So, Jinhyun calmly opened his internet browser. And then, with a calm gaze, he watched the portal site load.

With calm fingers, he typed “private investigator” into the search bar.

The report was beyond his ‘calm’ from the start. He was fucked, and that was that. If he didn’t somehow manage this emotional turmoil, he would only become more fucked. His priorities were clear. Find Lee Taeun’s whereabouts, and bring him back. Even if Taeun was unattainable, he had to be by Jinhyun’s side, so Jinhyun could at least watch him and drool.

As Jinhyun scanned the search results with the sharp eyes of a predator hunting its prey, he naturally leaned forward and rested his chin on his hand. Civilian investigations, detective agencies, missing person searches… A wave of self-deprecating embarrassment washed over him as he searched for terms that seemed to belong in a couples’ documentary, but he accepted it as inevitable. It was a last resort. He needed a backup plan in case he couldn’t find Taeun on his own.

There wasn’t much useful information in the flood of messy search results. Most of the posts started with “Today, let’s learn about private investigators~” followed by an excessive use of flashy emoticons, unrelated weather talk and worldly affairs, and ended with “Private investigator, such a cool job, right? That concludes our discussion about private investigators.” He had no idea what they were trying to say.

Falling into the trap repeatedly, Cha Jinhyun cursed under his breath, switched search engines, and continued his research. His three years of university weren’t entirely wasted, as he quickly found what he was looking for. He shortlisted and saved the phone numbers of seemingly trustworthy agencies.

A considerable amount of time had passed during his meticulous work. As he was about to close the window and take a break, a headline caught his eye.

“…….”

The country he lived in hadn’t yet fully legalized private investigations and detective agencies. It was a practice that thrived in the shadows, but technically illegal. As expected of a backward society that bans same-sex marriage. Jinhyun clicked on the article and skimmed through it, not even realizing what he was thinking. It was about a detective agency and its clients, who had been caught illegally tailing civilians, and subsequently arrested.

…If things went wrong and he ended up in jail, a pathetic scene, like something out of a third-rate drama, unfolded in his mind.

Two people sitting across from each other, separated by transparent glass. Him, in a prison uniform, looking like a mess, and Lee Taeun, looking at him with pity. And behind Taeun, another man, standing at a distance, smirking.

‘…Why did you do that?’

‘To see you.’

‘Are you an idiot…?’

‘Things just happened.’

He quickly dismissed the endlessly expanding imagination. One thing he had learned was that the more he thought, the worse things got. It was a last resort anyway, and he hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Jinhyun closed his laptop and picked up his phone from the bed.

He wanted to try talking to Taeun first. He had various reasons. He wanted to apologize, he wanted to get him back, and he wanted to talk, no matter what. He was even prepared to pull out tongs and clamp his own mouth shut if it started spouting nonsense again. Jinhyun slumped back in his chair, rolling a paperclip between his fingers, swallowed, and called Taeun. His mouth felt a little dry, and his chest felt a little empty at the monotonous ringing tone.

Lee Taeun didn’t answer.

“…….”

Barely suppressing his frustration, Jinhyun started rationalizing. Lee Taeun had classes early Monday morning, so it was highly likely he couldn’t answer because he was in class. He downed his cold coffee in one gulp and headed to the bathroom, clutching his phone. He kept glancing at his phone on the cabinet while showering, hoping Taeun would call back after seeing the missed call.

Of course, there was no call.

Cha Jinhyun swallowed his bitter patience and started cleaning the house. He wanted to call again, but calling too soon would likely put pressure on Taeun. He had to wait at least a few hours so it would seem like a normal concern. He threw open the door to Taeun’s room, carrying the vacuum cleaner, and stepped inside. He had to take care of the empty space, even if it was just him. As he halfheartedly vacuumed the dust off the floor, he pondered.

‘Is he deliberately not answering, or…?’

…is that bastard managing him?

The thought that came to mind was a delusion stemming from petty jealousy. Jinhyun sighed at the second wave of self-deprecating embarrassment, but accepted it as well.

At this point, he’d rather Taeun be deliberately ignoring him out of anger. A strong surge of jealousy arose towards the vague figure with a 50% presence, whose existence was almost certain despite the lack of clear evidence. He pressed down on his feelings, his hand movements becoming rougher. Thump! Thump! The vacuum cleaner head banged against the corner of the desk, threatening to break.

‘How far have they gone?’

People often crumble because they assume the worst.

Would he have felt a little more at ease if he hadn’t known anything? The image of Taeun lying on his bed with his lower body exposed came to mind. The sight of Taeun fidgeting with his straight legs crossed shattered his thin patience.

His thoughts, sparked by the unanswered calls, spread like wildfire. As anxiety fluttered like ashes left by the fire, Jinhyun turned off the vacuum cleaner and banged his head against the wall. He couldn’t stop himself.

He despised the kind of people who fantasized about other people’s sex lives under the guise of concern. Whenever he saw people who connected every thought to sex, his tongue would instinctively click with disapproval, thinking, What a pathetic life.

“…Is that me?”

Cha Jinhyun banged his head against the wall once more. Thud. A loud, painful sound echoed, but he didn’t flinch.

🔥

Tuesday, he had three hours of classes in the morning and two in the afternoon.

The only thing his major and elective classes, which had nothing in common, shared was the professor’s fervent voice, which was as irrelevant to him as a dog barking next door.

He had called Taeun again last night, but Taeun didn’t answer. At this rate, he couldn’t even talk to him, let alone see his face. Reaching his limit, Jinhyun picked up his phone again late at night.

He quickly typed “Hey” in the chat window, but stopped before sending it. Such a blunt greeting was practically an invitation to fight, considering his guilt. He deleted it with backspaces and typed “Lee Taeun,” but that didn’t feel right either. He pondered. He agonized over a mere few bytes of a title.

Taeun, Taeun-goon, Friend, Taeun-nim, Mr. Lee Taeun, Excuse me, Boss…

After repeatedly typing and deleting various titles, Jinhyun, unable to find a satisfactory answer, punched his pillow.

After much deliberation, he finally sent a single emoticon. It was one he had received as a gift from Taeun, a cute little image he never thought he would use, his own way of acting cute. He regretted it as soon as he sent the emoticon of a character knocking on a door, but it was better than seeing “This message has been deleted” in the chat window.

Exhausted, Jinhyun finally lay down on his bed. He put his phone under his pillow and closed his eyes, like a child hanging a sock on Christmas Eve, hoping for a present. He didn’t forget to turn the volume up to the maximum.

And the reply finally arrived late in the morning. The reply, after a thirteen-hour wait, was extremely short.

[Lee Taeun: ?] 11:55

Maybe a deleted message would have been better. Jinhyun’s face flushed as he left the lecture hall.

“So this… this is what it feels like.”

Jinhyun chuckled, unable to fault the impertinent character. It was no different from the replies he usually sent to Taeun.

When Taeun sent messages like “Hey,” “Jinhyun,” “What are you doing?”, “Reply,” “Never mind then,” Cha Jinhyun would often check the accumulated messages late and reply with a question mark. This was their usual exchange.

Fully grasping the true meaning of putting himself in Taeun’s shoes, Jinhyun recalled the two things he had decided to do. One, confirm Taeun’s location and bring him back home if possible. Two…

‘Is it… that disgusting to you? Is that why you’re doing this?’

…tell him that it wasn’t like that. And after that…

[What are you doing today?] 11:58

[Can I see you for a bit?] 11:58

Still weighing his undecided options, Jinhyun sent the messages.

[Lee Taeun: Let’s meet next time if it’s not urgent] 12:05

[Lee Taeun: I have plans] 12:05

This reply was quick. The content, however, wasn’t very welcome.

“He doesn’t even ask why.”

A resentful complaint escaped his closed lips. Yet, Jinhyun unconsciously moved his fingers. He couldn’t stop his burgeoning curiosity.

[With who?] 12:05

Of course, there was no reply from Lee Taeun.

The long-awaited conversation ended anticlimactically.

🔥

Wednesday was a full day of classes.

Jinhyun woke up early and rubbed his dry face, letting out a short groan. He felt like he would suffocate if he didn’t vent his frustration somehow. He quickly washed up, got dressed, and left without his bag. He wasn’t heading to the lecture hall.

Messages and calls had too many limitations. If one side cut off contact, the other was left helpless. The only way to talk to someone who was avoiding him was to meet face-to-face. Anxiety filled his steps as he passed through the main gate of K University.

He should have at least replied to my question. The words ‘prior engagement’ made him desperate, like a child who had lost its mother, and his resolve to ‘not be a burden’ quickly faded.

Since he didn’t know Taeun’s schedule, he could only loiter around like a vagrant. He bought a takeaway coffee, put the straw in his mouth, and wandered around the art college as if he owned the place. He didn’t know whether Taeun was in a major or elective class, so he had to rely on damn chance.

A few hours into his agonizing stroll, it was just past noon. Jinhyun, who had been smoking in the smoking area near the Department of Industrial Design building, spotted his target. He threw away his cigarette and practically ran towards Taeun, who was leaving the building.

“Oh, shit! You scared me!”

The woman walking next to Taeun shrieked and stumbled back at the sudden appearance of the large figure. Jinhyun briefly nodded in apology and immediately turned his attention to Taeun. Taeun seemed equally surprised, his widened eyes filled with bewilderment.

“Why are you here…”

“Just passing by, coincidentally.”

He recited the pre-prepared line to the expected question. He didn’t bother to hide his indifferent tone.

“Do you have a minute?”

He quickly stated his business. Taeun, who had been frozen with a bewildered expression, stuttered out a disbelieving breath and said,

“I, uh, have to eat.”

“Let’s eat together. I want to talk.”

Taeun didn’t answer immediately, but observed Jinhyun. He seemed out of his mind, appearing out of nowhere like a wild boar. It didn’t look like he had been shot in the head, nor was he drunk in the middle of the day. Taeun glanced at Kim Hyoju standing next to him and quietly shook his head.

“Not today.”

“Why?”

“I’m eating with Hyoju.”

Jinhyun’s gaze shifted to the side. Hyoju. It was a familiar name. He glanced at Kim Hyoju before returning his gaze to Taeun.

“Then let’s all go together. I’ll pay.”

“…Excuse me? Me too?”

Kim Hyoju, who had been watching the situation unfold with interest, raised her voice in surprise at the sudden suggestion of joining them. Jinhyun shrugged as if there was nothing wrong with it. He didn’t like having another person intrude, but talking to Lee Taeun was his priority. It wasn’t something a gatecrasher would think.

“Is that inconvenient for you?”

“Well, yes… it is, isn’t it?”

“I see. Please bear with it for a little while.”

“What?”

The woman stared at Jinhyun, her mouth agape, at his nonchalant suggestion of such an absurd solution. Jinhyun smiled, his expression saying, Suit yourself if you don’t like it. He was extremely annoyed at being reduced to begging for lunch because of a college friend.

Huh? Kim Hyoju crumpled her face and straightened her posture, placing her hands on her hips.

“Excuse me, what are you, some kind of flasher? Appearing out of nowhere…”

“Hey, let’s eat next time.”

Just as Kim Hyoju, quickly switching to battle mode, raised her chin and started firing off words, Taeun grabbed her arm and quickly interrupted. Considering Kim Hyoju’s aggressiveness, which had even challenged a professor, and Cha Jinhyun’s temper, it was best to leave quickly.

“I’ll contact you later.”

Taeun turned and dragged the still-protesting woman away before she could reply.

“Hey, let go! Let go of me!”

“I already let go. What do you want to eat?”

And the abandoned flasher-wild-boar watched them walk away, having lost his purpose.

He couldn’t follow them. Because Taeun would hate it. Forcing him to stay, like last time, would only lead them back to square one. He had to trust the empty words, “I’ll contact you later,” and start waiting again.

The woman’s voice, as she walked away bickering with Lee Taeun, sounded quite cheerful. Jinhyun felt a surge of irritation at the high-pitched voice that reached his ears. He kicked at the ground and took out a cigarette.

This confirmed it. His place had completely disappeared. Even the precarious relationship Taeun had barely maintained, the one he couldn’t accept, had slipped from his grasp.

He never thought he would crave what he had declared unnecessary and thrown away. It felt like he would never be able to grasp it again, even if he crawled back and searched every inch of the path he had come from.

He was afraid.

Even as he hesitated, time passed him by. Tick, tock, the thin second hand urged him on.

The white stick between his fingers snapped.

🔥

And so, on the fifth day, Thursday…

“So, why did you call me?”

Early evening. Too early for drinks. Kim Sunghyun, summoned by the sudden call, chewed on the complimentary snacks and shook the newly arrived soju bottle. He filled the two glasses placed side by side and handed one to Jinhyun, asking.

Jinhyun clinked his glass against Kim Sunghyun’s. A clear sound rang out briefly. He put down his glass without drinking. He absently rubbed the frosty glass with an indifferent look and said sullenly,

“I became gay.”

Kim Sunghyun spat out the soju at the man’s awkward opening, his first ever attempt at asking for relationship advice.

“Cough, cough!”

He coughed repeatedly, choking.

“Ah, shit. Disgusting.”

Jinhyun, who had leaned back to avoid the spray, cursed, his face scrunched up in disgust. Sunghyun, having swallowed his burning saliva, wiped his mouth with a napkin and looked up. Jinhyun slowly raised his glass, a hidden complexity faintly visible beneath his seemingly calm façade.

“Ahem, ahem. Cough.”

Kim Sunghyun, having finally stopped coughing, crumpled the damp napkin and tossed it to the edge of the table. This kind of blunt coming-out was a first for him, and he was at a loss for how to react. Even for someone as easygoing as him, it was a bewildering moment.

“So… um…”

After thinking for a moment, Sunghyun spread his arms wide like Christ with a halo behind him and…

“…Welcome?”

…offered a simple greeting. A welcoming greeting, as if welcoming a new member.

“…….”

“Ha…”

At the end of the short silence, Jinhyun’s heavy sigh was filled with a mixture of disgust and resignation. He grabbed the soju bottle with a haggard face, like a starving beggar. The way he filled his glass, the soju overflowing slightly, was pathetically reminiscent of their fathers from back in the day.

Sunghyun didn’t say anything more and raised his empty glass. It had only been a week since he had poked fun at Jinhyun out of curiosity. Reaching for the freshly arrived snacks, he recalled last Saturday. Lee Taeun and Cha Jinhyun, who had been avoiding each other, had left quickly after finishing their meal. A truly anticlimactic ending.

He had gotten a nibble, but the fish he caught wasn’t satisfying, and his interest quickly waned. After that, Kim Sunghyun simply enjoyed racing with Taeun in the game on his phone, hoping his new love would go smoothly.

Then, today, Jinhyun’s sudden summons arrived. Water had been poured on his wilting interest. Sunghyun came to the bar without a second thought. He had expected to hear something, but the sudden coming out was beyond his expectations.

This bastard isn’t normal either, come to think of it. Sunghyun slowly lowered his arms.

“So, who is it?”

Since he had no way of knowing what had happened, he had to pretend he didn’t know. Kim Sunghyun casually started the conversation.

“I doubt the guy upstairs suddenly gave you a revelation to ‘love men.’”

“It’s similar for me.”

Cha Jinhyun replied indifferently, as if kicking a pebble. He didn’t believe in religion, but he thought it was an apt analogy. The testimony of a staunch atheist suddenly finding God and changing their life was a classic story. A sense of helplessness, seeing only one way out, was a feeling he had been experiencing a lot lately.

“…It doesn’t matter who it is.”

Jinhyun scratched near his eyebrow and changed the subject. He still didn’t intend to reveal Taeun’s name, as it was a sensitive matter. Even if Kim Sunghyun figured it out, it was fine as long as Jinhyun sorted out his unrequited feelings. Which was somewhat true at this point.

“Don’t be so secretive. …Is it someone I don’t know?”

Sunghyun, putting on an almost theatrical display of hurt feelings, asked tentatively. Jinhyun cut him off and poured himself another drink. But Kim Sunghyun wasn’t one to back down easily.

“Why, are you embarrassed?”

He had already guessed the subject of Jinhyun’s affections the moment he heard the coming out, but it was still just his own speculation. What if, by any chance, it was someone else? It would be truly unfair to Lee Taeun.

Jinhyun’s glass, which had been on its way to his mouth, stopped at his chin at the playful question. His downcast gaze slowly shifted like a pulley, fixing on Sunghyun.

“I just like him.”

“…….”

“It’s one-sided.”

He downed his drink in one gulp. His cold voice was a warning not to ask any further. Kim Sunghyun just shrugged and closed his mouth.

Jinhyun, who kept drinking, frowned at the burning sensation and pondered. How should he start? He had never experienced this kind of worry, so this was his first time voicing it. Lee Taeun confessed his feelings, and Jinhyun rejected him, but now he was pathetically realizing his feelings too late. He could briefly explain it like that, but it still felt uncomfortable. Above all, he didn’t want to talk about Taeun being dumped to other people.

Jinhyun skipped the process and focused on the result. Due to his past actions, he couldn’t act rashly, and therefore, his favorability rating was probably close to negative. Should he create a similar situation to improve his starting point? As he pondered, Kim Sunghyun remained unusually silent. It was because he was also lost in thought.

“Jinhyun… wait a minute.”

Kim Sunghyun finally spoke, as if he had made up his mind. It’s better to be scolded first. Sunghyun recited the suddenly remembered proverb and continued,

“I have… a confession to make.”

He placed his right hand on his chest and raised his left hand, a serious posture as if taking an oath. Jinhyun simply gestured for him to speak, instead of questioning the sudden confession time.

“No, wait. Let me ask a question first.”

“What is it?”

“The person you’re talking about… is it Taeun?”

“…….”

An icy silence instantly chilled the air.

Jinhyun froze, his posture unchanged, his head tilted slightly and his legs crossed. Only his eyes, filled with confusion, shimmered like fish scales in the eerie stillness. Kim Sunghyun wiped his sweaty hands on his thighs. There was no answer.

“…Is it not?”

Had he been wrong all along? Was it all just his speculation? Embarrassment began to creep in, and he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck, gauging Jinhyun’s reaction.

“Ah, well, if it’s not…”

Just as he was about to end the conversation, feeling awkward at the lack of response… a heavier sigh than before escaped Jinhyun’s lips.

“How much do you know?”

He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger, his eyebrows twitching as if he had a headache. The truth could be read in the vague answer.

What do I do, I was right. Kim Sunghyun unconsciously nodded. This was the moment all the puzzle pieces fell into place.

“…That Taeun confessed to you and got dumped?”

“Don’t beat around the bush.”

“…And that he packed his bags and left.”

“You said it all, damn it.”

Jinhyun cursed under his breath and lowered his head at the evasive answer. The twitching of his jaw muscles was ominous. Sunghyun, watching him, quickly defended Taeun.

“Hey, hey, relax. I figured it out myself and asked him. He didn’t tell me first.”

He seemed worried that Jinhyun might misunderstand and blame Taeun. But Jinhyun wasn’t angry at Taeun. He was annoyed that he hadn’t asked Kim Sunghyun earlier, but not enough to make a fuss about it. There was another reason why his fists were clenching.

“Fuck… I don’t know who’s a friend anymore.”

Jinhyun muttered and finished his drink.

He knew they were close, but he wondered if they were close enough to share such stories. But then again, it was Kim Sunghyun who had been chattering about ‘that person’ next to Taeun. He could guess they must have talked about more than just Jinhyun. Driven by his petty feelings, he faced an unpleasant contradiction. While he was relieved that Taeun had someone to lean on when Jinhyun was relentlessly pushing him away, he also didn’t like it. He downed his drinks one after another, trying to dissolve his frustration. Kim Sunghyun cautiously started,

“Are you… jealous of me by any chance?”

“I am.”

“…….”

Was there any point in hiding it when they both knew? Jinhyun answered immediately without hesitation. Kim Sunghyun shuddered, as if he’d heard something unbelievable.

“What.”

“Whoa, that’s a bit unsettling. Have some snacks, don’t just drink.”

Sunghyun, shaking his shoulders, pushed the plate of snacks towards Jinhyun. Jinhyun glanced at it and looked away. “Suit yourself.” Sunghyun grumbled and brought the conversation back on track.

“What’s the problem?”

“…….”

“Isn’t it a good thing? If you like him too.”

Kim Sunghyun hit the nail on the head. A self-deprecating smile tugged at the corner of Jinhyun’s lips.

“Ah, because of that person?”

“…….”

“Hey, I don’t think they’re dating yet. Make a move before it’s too late.”

“Easy for you to say.”

Truly, it was easy for him to say. Jinhyun imagined how much easier it would be if he could just do that. Date if they get along, break up if they don’t. That’s how most people dated and parted ways. He had lived that way too. But this time, it was impossible. If it were possible, he wouldn’t have clung to Taeun so desperately. He would have cut him off the moment he confessed and ended it there.

Jinhyun lowered his head and pushed his empty glass forward. It was a silent request to refill it. Kim Sunghyun, understanding perfectly, politely poured him another drink.

“Aren’t you pushing yourself too hard?”

“I need to get drunk to sleep.”

“What, are you an alcoholic?”

“It’s the best sleeping pill. How much do they pay for empty bottles these days?”

“…….”

Jinhyun spoke cheerfully about needing alcohol to sleep every night. Kim Sunghyun, at a loss for words at his friend’s unusual behavior, quietly filled his own glass.

“Lee Taeun and I have known each other for 14 years.”

Unfazed by the awkward reaction, Jinhyun spoke in a slightly slurred voice. The words, slowly strung together, were softened by alcohol. A boyish innocence tinged his low voice.

“Elementary, middle, and high school… we were in the same class seven times in ten years.”

“Is that so?”

“Isn’t it amazing?”

Jinhyun chuckled. His laughter slowly faded. Kim Sunghyun didn’t respond. Jinhyun muttered with an expression that was neither laughing nor crying,

“I thought it was amazing.”

Three graduation albums, their photos and names printed in the same place. The pages proving their shared time growing up. Such trivial things were precious to him.

“So I thought we would go to the same university. But we didn’t.”

“Our university does have really high admission standards.”

Although the standards varied slightly between departments, prestigious universities were all similar. Even for art colleges, where students also had to prepare for practical exams, good grades were essential. Lee Taeun’s first choice had been the university Jinhyun attended. Recalling this, Jinhyun chuckled softly.

“But… he goes to the one across the street, Lee Taeun.”

He tilted his head and pointed towards the street outside the transparent window. Sunghyun followed his gaze. He knew Jinhyun was referring to Taeun’s university, located across the street, even though it wasn’t visible.

“He almost had to retake the exam.”

Despite the abrupt change of topic, Kim Sunghyun listened quietly without interrupting.

“When you apply to universities, you usually include a few safety schools, right? That bastard, even though he doesn’t seem like it, worries a lot… and he likes people and having fun, so he’d never be able to retake the exam….”

Jinhyun, who had been speaking fluently, suddenly pursed his lips. He took a sip of water to wet his dry mouth. He remembered Taeun, who had been dejected throughout their winter break before graduation.

“So I assumed he would have applied to a few less competitive schools.”

“…….”

“But… fuck, what the… he applied to universities like he was making a wish…”

At the time, he had wondered what Taeun was thinking. Even putting aside his early admissions applications, he thought Taeun’s determination to apply to only reach schools for regular admissions was impressive. When he asked why, Taeun had joked that you only live once, but his anxious demeanor didn’t match his words. Knowing how hard Taeun had worked, even to the point of nosebleeds, Jinhyun had simply assumed Taeun was being greedy.

He now knew the source of that boldness. If he pictured the locations of all the universities Taeun had applied to, they gradually moved further away, centered around this place. It felt like he was melting from his toes up. Jinhyun refilled his glass without another word.

He had never received that kind of love. He hadn’t even considered it a possibility. He had underestimated Taeun, not knowing how heavy a burden he carried. The affection, which he could have noticed if he had just thought about it a little, was scattered everywhere like wildflowers. His vision cleared in an instant, and he felt overwhelmed, his feet entangled in the overgrown bushes, unable to move.

“…When I rejected him, he said he couldn’t see me anymore. I said I didn’t want that.”

Sunghyun sighed in response. He knew that there was nothing more cruel than asking to be friends after a rejection.

“Plus, I… said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. But Lee Taeun said okay. I… I was such a jerk, but that bastard is so kind…”

Disjointed words tumbled out. Jinhyun didn’t even know what he was saying. But one thing was clear.

“I barely managed to hold onto him, I don’t want to ruin it.”

This was the conclusion of his worries. He leaned back against the chair and ran his hand through his hair. Unfiltered emotions were evident in his dark eyes. Kim Sunghyun shook his head and crossed his arms.

“So, you don’t want to lose your friend of 14 years, so you’ll endure it? Even though you like him, and you know he liked you?”

That was the conclusion after unraveling the tangled thoughts that had been constricting his head. But if he could just end it like Kim Sunghyun suggested, he wouldn’t have called him to vent. He was doing all these things, acting out of character, because he wasn’t confident, because he didn’t think it was possible.

“I don’t understand. If you confess and start dating, that’s the end of it, isn’t it?”

Despite the clear answer, Jinhyun frowned. He wondered if Sunghyun had even been listening. Even if things worked out and they started dating, there was still a problem.

“What if we break up?”

“Why are you already thinking about that?”

“I have to think about it.”

Taeun tended to be honest about his feelings in the moment and put off thinking about the consequences. He probably hadn’t considered the distant future when he confessed.

“You’re like someone who’s too afraid of maggots to make soybean paste… Why eat if you’re going to die anyway?”

“That’s unavoidable, this is different.”

Kim Sunghyun clicked his tongue at the seemingly prepared response. Even with all this agonizing, his habits haven’t changed. Jinhyun habitually treated emotional matters as something he could control.

“It’s the same thing, unavoidable.”

Kim Sunghyun muttered under his breath.

“Jinhyun, it’s a simple problem.”

“Were you even listening?”

“If you can endure it, endure it. If you can’t…”

Ignoring the curt reply, Sunghyun spread his palm and gestured towards Jinhyun. It was a gesture that said, Suit yourself. He lowered his hand and continued,

“If you can endure it, that means it wasn’t that much, so be friends like you said.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s not easy to stay by someone’s side while watching them date someone else.”

“…….”

He couldn’t argue with that. He agreed. Jinhyun couldn’t tell if the sudden heat he felt was from the alcohol. He felt as if that unknown ‘person’ was standing on his head, mocking him.

Whether they were dating, whether it was just attraction, whether it was one-sided or mutual. Even this moment of not knowing was a mess. Could he calmly watch Lee Taeun share his feelings with someone else? He couldn’t muster even 1% certainty. At the same time, he felt a newfound respect for Taeun. How had he managed to stay by Jinhyun’s side all this time?

Ah, so that’s why he ended it.

His thoughts drifted towards Taeun’s decision to cut ties, which he hadn’t understood before. People grow through experience. Jinhyun felt like he could finally understand Taeun.

His mouth felt bitter. He blamed the soju he had been drinking. Even after chugging water instead of alcohol, his head still felt hot, and his mouth still tasted bitter. Jinhyun recalled the other reason he had called Kim Sunghyun.

“Hey.”

His voice was a tone lower. A slight slur could be heard in his low voice.

“Seo Jaeoh, he’s your senior, right?”

Kim Sunghyun, unable to keep up with the rapidly changing conversation, tilted his head slightly.

“He is, why?”

“You’re the one who invited him to the club… you bastard.”

“Are you drunk? Why are you suddenly cursing?”

Jinhyun glared at the man across from him. His rising anger, like a furnace slowly heating up, suddenly targeted Sunghyun. If it weren’t for Kim Sunghyun, Taeun would never have met that teacher. Jinhyun, who had been resenting Kim Sunghyun for a while, looked away and let out a hot breath.

What was the point of blaming someone else? It had already happened, and directing his misplaced anger at someone was a wasted effort. Jinhyun waved his hand dismissively and asked the prepared question.

“Do you know where that bastard lives?”

“Huh?”

And…

“Why are you suddenly asking about Jaeoh-hyung’s place…”

Kim Sunghyun’s mouth slowly dropped open.

🔥

It was already dark when he returned home.

Unfortunately, Kim Sunghyun didn’t know Seo Jaeoh’s address. He hurriedly explained to the suspicious Jinhyun that he had become acquainted with Seo Jaeoh at a drinking party during his freshman year, but after Seo Jaeoh graduated, they only occasionally contacted each other, so he really didn’t know. Jinhyun had no choice but to believe his frantic excuses and suppress his rising frustration.

While they smoked together outside, Kim Sunghyun kept repeating, “Wow… wow…” in a tone of bewildered admiration. He then barked, “Jinhyun, whose side should I take?”

Jinhyun, who had been about to ignore him, thought for a moment and simply replied, “Mine.” As the saying goes, even dog shit can be useful as medicine. He had been acutely realizing the meaning of “you never know what will happen” lately, so he figured it was best to have as many backup plans as possible. Kim Sunghyun reluctantly nodded with a serious face. One beating the drum, the other playing the janggu. It was a comical sight.

In the end, his gains were meager. All he got was some unwelcome advice. Jinhyun let out a slow sigh, his heart heavy as he walked. The only option left was to ask Taeun, but the chances of success were slim. As he was thinking about whether he should really hire a private investigator, recalling the phone numbers he had saved, he slowly slowed down and stopped.

On the way from the sports field to the main gate, the cool night air caressed his cheeks and tickled the back of his neck. A green scent emanated from the lush leaves surrounding him. He slowly turned his head towards the nearby grassy area, drawn by the boisterous noise. In his line of sight, a group of people were sitting around a round wooden table, laughing.

The rising and falling voices sounded cheerful. His gaze was fixed on the noisy group, but Jinhyun was seeing something else entirely.

The distant past, for example.

He, too, had shared similar days. The grassy area near the parking lot was where he often hung out with Lee Taeun. Old memories, tinged with longing, crept in.

That day, Taeun, who had unusually chosen bottled coffee like Jinhyun, had chugged it down in one gulp as soon as they sat down. When Jinhyun commented, “I’ve never seen anyone chug coffee like that,” Taeun had given a nonsensical reply, “I was really thirsty.” When Jinhyun asked why he bought coffee in the first place if he was thirsty, Taeun had said he was curious about what Jinhyun was drinking. Jinhyun smiled, not even realizing he was smiling, as he reminisced. Taeun, quickly bored, had started pushing his lips against the mouth of the empty bottle.

‘Uh, what the…’

At some point, Lee Taeun mumbled with the bottle attached to his mouth.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Doesn’t it look good?’

‘What?’

‘It doesn’t look good.’

Jinhyun couldn’t stop laughing at Taeun’s stretched-out lips, the heavy bottle dangling from them. He ignored Taeun’s plea for help and took a bunch of pictures. It was a good choice. Thanks to that, he could still see that ridiculous face years later.

Cha Jinhyun looked down at the sullen Taeun on his phone screen. The youthful face, with a red mark around his mouth like a cupping bruise, was undeniably cute. He burst out laughing.

“Why do I like this…”

But he didn’t feel the usual emptiness. The cloud that had been hanging over him for five days lifted, and he smiled comfortably. He could finally understand the meaning of “giving up brings peace.” He felt much more at ease after letting go of his stubborn refusal to accept his feelings. He liked this. He liked this ridiculous, newly discovered cute, and now almost lovable man.

‘I miss him.’

The longing he couldn’t immediately fulfill was enough to bring him back to reality.

The old friend he could call and meet anytime no longer existed. Jinhyun accepted this as well. The long tug-of-war had ended long ago, and the victor was the one who let go.

“…I miss you.”

The desire materialized as he spoke it aloud. His palms became sweaty, and his heart pounded. The gentle buzz of alcohol narrowed his vision, leaving only his objective.

He felt like he could spend his entire fortune on a private investigator if it meant he could see Taeun. Jinhyun opened his notepad. Just as he was about to choose one of the saved numbers and type a message, his phone vibrated.

Opportunity always came at unexpected times. Just like now.

🔥

The sky was exceptionally clear. Taeun stood there, his head tilted back, watching the clouds drift by. Contrails, like misplaced lines, cut through the endless sky, weaving between the cotton candy-like clouds.

Had there been a forecast for rain? The sky above was a clear blue and white, but the further the plane flew, the fainter the colors became, fading into a grayish haze.

Taeun straightened his head, his neck stiff. He turned around as he felt a tap on his shoulder. He wasn’t surprised. A familiar car was parked with its hazard lights on.

“Let’s go.”

Taeun walked awkwardly towards the passenger seat. Three phone calls had been enough to arrange this ride.

🔥

It all started about a week ago. One afternoon, as he was hunched over his project in the computer lab, the first call came.

‘Mom’ His heart reacted first to the simple caller ID. Even though the time difference wasn’t significant, it was the first time she had called at this hour. Worried that something might have happened, Taeun quickly answered the phone.

“Suddenly?”

Fortunately, the news was good news, if you could call it that. He was excited to hear that his mom would be coming to Korea for the weekend, but…

“…Did Dad get fired?”

Taeun cautiously voiced his lingering worry.

—Again, again. Starting with such unlucky words.

“No, it’s just so sudden.”

—I’m not moving back permanently, I’m just coming for a short visit.

His racing heart calmed down at the clear explanation. Worrying unnecessarily and then feeling relieved was Taeun’s natural habit. He could finally be happy without reservation, having missed his family terribly recently.

“Dad can’t come?”

—He said he’s too busy. Give him a call with me when I get there. It’s Parents’ Day.

Parents’ Day. Taeun immediately checked the calendar on his laptop. Even if she was free, it wasn’t like she could just fly across the ocean on a whim. His mother was still adjusting to life abroad, so even if she missed home, she wouldn’t have the time. There must be another reason for her visit, and Taeun could guess what it was. It was May, the month of family. Parents’ Day, Children’s Day, Teachers’ Day…

—And also to celebrate my only son’s birthday. It’s a two-for-one deal.

May, the month of his birthday. Taeun recalled his birthday, which he had completely forgotten.

“Will you be able to stay until then?”

—Why, do you want me to stay until then?

Her voice was the same as always. But the warmth in her tone, like she was coaxing a child, made his nose tingle. Taeun stood up and walked to a corner of the computer lab, facing the wall. It was crowded with juniors. He couldn’t be a pathetic senior, tearing up on the phone with his mom in such a place.

“…Yes.”

Taeun, tucked away in the corner, replied belatedly. He chuckled as he heard a short laugh from the other end of the line. He missed his mother’s voice, teasing him about becoming a child again.

There was a considerable gap between his birthday and her return date. He didn’t complain further when she said she had to go back before then. He was grateful to even see her face.

“But where are you going to stay? We don’t have a house anymore.”

—Why do you keep talking like you’re homeless?

Because your son is homeless, Mom. Since there was no way to explain the complicated situation, Taeun just vaguely guessed where she would stay.

She wouldn’t stay at Cha Jinhyun’s and his (or rather, where they used to live), would she? Even his reckless mother wouldn’t barge into the house where her grown-up son and his friend lived.

His scattered guesses gradually converged on one place.

—I’m staying at Yunsun’s.

I knew it. His prediction was correct. Taeun sighed quietly.

—Ugh, I told her it was fine. She insisted I shouldn’t stay at a hotel. She said her house is much better than a hotel. And she’s not wrong… her house is quite fancy. I feel bad about always imposing on her…

Listening to his mother explain how she ended up staying at Cha Jinhyun’s house for three days, Taeun realized the strong connection between him and Jinhyun. He hadn’t considered the guilt that would follow, having made his plan based solely on the old saying “no parent can win against their child,” when he told her he was moving out.

Even if the sons fall out, the mothers can still get along, right…?

It’s not like my mom got dumped.

Lee Taeun decided he had to come up with a solution. He still had plenty of time; there was no need to panic yet. But the thought made him uncomfortable, his breathing becoming slightly constricted.

His tattered conscience took a direct hit Thursday evening. The second call.

“H-Hello?”

—Taeun? Oh my, it’s been so long. It’s Jinhyun’s mom.

They had occasionally exchanged greetings before Jinhyun enlisted, but this was their first phone call since middle school. Flustered, Taeun adjusted his grip on the phone and greeted her politely.

—Are you busy right now? Do you have a minute?

Her gentle voice unsettled him.

Are you doing okay? You didn’t run away from home after being dumped by my son, did you?

Even though he hadn’t heard such words, Taeun’s heart pounded as if he was being interrogated.

He was at work, but he had a short break. He told the other part-timer he was going to the bathroom and quickly slipped out the back door.

“Uh, how can I help you?”

—Jinhyun isn’t answering his phone. Are you with him by any chance?

“No. Uh, I’m outside right now…”

—Oh dear, did I interrupt you while you were having fun?

“No, not at all. I’m not doing anything. I’m completely free.”

Taeun felt even more apologetic at her concerned voice and blurted out a lie. He looked around, making sure no one was listening.

—I wonder what he’s doing that he’s not answering his phone. I called you because I thought you might know…

“Ah…”

Lee Taeun didn’t know. He had no interest in Cha Jinhyun’s whereabouts and didn’t want to know, so it was only natural.

“Should I… try contacting him?”

But he couldn’t just watch her worry like it was someone else’s problem. His uncontrolled mouth, as if possessed by another self, ran on its own.

—I would appreciate it. Ah… right, that’s better. Taeun?

“Yes?”

—You heard I’m coming to Korea, right?

He had thought her only concern was her son’s whereabouts, but the topic suddenly shifted to his mother’s visit. This is strange. Even as he thought that, Taeun obediently replied, “Yes.” Why were bad premonitions always right? A fitting song lyric played from inside the store, amplifying his unease.

—Can you go to the airport with Jinhyun and pick me up after your club meeting? He said he would pick me up, so you can ride with him comfortably. If you get in touch with Jinhyun, tell him first. I’ll tell him again later, but…

Of course, he couldn’t refuse. He had no reason or excuse, and if she was asking him directly, it meant she had already discussed it with Jinhyun. All he could do was comply.

—Come over and have a delicious meal and stay the night. You used to visit often, but now that you’re older, it’s hard to see your face.

“Haha…”

Lee Taeun forced a smile. He was glad it wasn’t a video call.

—Send me a message if you get in touch with him, okay?

He dutifully agreed to her cheerful request. Suddenly burdened with a mission, Taeun banged his head against the wall. He splashed cold water on his face and hands before regaining his composure and returning to work.

After his shift ended, Taeun procrastinated for a while before making the third call. The recipient was obvious.

[ㅗ]

He couldn’t even laugh at the large middle finger displayed on his phone screen.

Jinhyun’s phone had been going straight to voicemail, so he might not answer Taeun’s call either. His expectations were immediately dashed. The ringing tone was cut short almost as soon as it started. It was such a quick answer that he would have suspected he was blocked if it weren’t for the voice that followed.

—…Did you call me?

Cha Jinhyun usually greeted him with “Yeah” or “What” when he answered Taeun’s calls, but not this time. He sounded bewildered, as if he couldn’t believe Taeun had called, asking if he had the right person. …Did I dial the wrong number? Taeun checked his phone again to make sure he had the right number. The pointed middle finger was still there. It was Cha Jinhyun.

“Yes.”

Taeun answered and quickly got to the point.

—So…

Jinhyun, having heard the whole story, started slowly. Taeun waited for him to continue.

—I’ll pick you up Saturday morning. Give me your address.

“No, what are you talking about? Why are you coming to me?”

The unexpected reply was to pick him up and asking for his address. What did Jinhyun hear? Taeun explained again, but it was futile. Jinhyun kept repeating nonsense like a broken radio. Was he being difficult? It was suspicious how he was acting like an idiot.

“…I’ll explain it again, so listen carefully.”

—I understand.

Taeun was about to hang up if Jinhyun repeated the nonsense again. As if sensing this, Cha Jinhyun retorted shamelessly.

“Then explain it to me.”

—Your mom is coming, right? After the club meeting, we go to the airport in my car, pick her up, and go to our house.

“See, you understood…”

—And I’ll pick you up in the morning. Give me your address.

“No, there’s no need for that.”

The conversation was going in circles. Taeun roared in frustration, thumping his chest like a gorilla.

—…You don’t want to?

It wasn’t a matter of wanting or not wanting. He just didn’t understand why Jinhyun was going through all this trouble.

“Yeah. Just bring your car.”

He was already tired from work. Wanting to end the conversation quickly, Taeun readily agreed.

—…….

He must be imagining that the following silence sounded like a sulky complaint. It was strange.

—Okay.

He felt a pang of guilt at the subdued voice. Taeun quickly ended the call, feeling drained.

🔥

And so, now, the sleek car was speeding down the highway along the Han River.

Jinhyun, holding the steering wheel with one hand, glanced sideways, pretending to look at the side mirror. His shoulders tingled at the sight of Taeun’s face reflected in the mirror. Taeun, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, felt even more like a stranger.

Did he always look like this? Jinhyun chewed on the inside of his cheek. Was his face always this captivating? He couldn’t have gotten plastic surgery in just a few days. Lee Taeun hadn’t changed. It was just that Jinhyun’s narrow vision was finally working properly. Or maybe he was already blinded by love. Jinhyun kept stealing glances at Taeun.

He felt the urge to touch the tip of Taeun’s perfectly shaped nose, which formed a straight yet soft curve. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel with his other hand.

Unaware of the yearning gaze, Taeun yawned widely. The warmth of the car, heated by the sun, made him drowsy. Dozing off in the warm spring weather after a late shift had become his routine.

Taeun’s head, which had been struggling to stay up, finally started to droop. Just as his heavy eyelids were about to close, he jolted awake as if doused with cold water and snapped his head up. His drooping eyelids also sprang open.

He smacked his lips and, feeling embarrassed, adjusted the reclined seat to an uncomfortable upright position. He rolled down the window slightly to shake off the drowsiness, and a cool breeze rushed in along with the sound of wind cutting through the air.

“Sleep if you’re tired.”

Jinhyun, who had been silently watching Taeun’s struggle against sleep, turned on the passenger seat warmer on low.

“I’m not really tired.”

“Your head’s about to fall off.”

“…….”

“Sleep. We’re still a long way off.”

Taeun glanced at the navigation system. A red dot, still within the outskirts of Seoul, blinked on the map. The estimated arrival time at the bottom indicated they still had another 45 minutes to go. Taeun shook his head in refusal.

“No, it’s rude to sleep in the passenger seat.”

“…Since when did you care about that?”

“…….”

He had no excuse, having used the seatbelt as a pillow countless times in Jinhyun’s car. He just thought he should at least maintain some decorum to keep a distance from Cha Jinhyun.

Jinhyun suppressed the inexplicable surge of anger, unaware of Taeun’s intentions.

Where did Lee Taeun, who didn’t even know passenger seat etiquette, learn that…? As he thought this, his fist shot out…

Honk!

…and a loud honk echoed simultaneously.

His fist, thrown in his imagination, had somehow synchronized with reality. His lightly thrown fist had hit the horn on the steering wheel. Taeun, startled, widened his eyes and looked around frantically.

“What, what happened? Did we get into an accident?”

“…Because you were driving like a jerk.”

He was tempted to confess, “I was pissed off thinking about you riding in another guy’s car,” but it was still too early. Jinhyun gave a vague excuse. Taeun corrected his posture without further questioning.

The atmosphere wasn’t as bad as last week. It was entirely thanks to Taeun.

Taeun hadn’t mentioned anything about Jinhyun following him to the bathroom and making a scene, or showing up at his university and forcing his way into his lunch plans. He was responding to Jinhyun’s small talk, just like the old Taeun he missed so much. Just a friend, nothing more, nothing less.

‘Can we just… not talk about this anymore?’

He could tell from Taeun’s blunt demeanor that his tearful request had been sincere.

Jinhyun wanted to give him what he wanted, to treat him well. But he didn’t think he could grant that one request. He felt helpless. He wanted to ask Taeun the same thing. Can’t you just listen to me, just once?

Jinhyun bottled up his frustration, unable to break the precarious balance. He was driving through the tollgate, trying to shake off his complicated feelings.

The voice, which should have stopped after announcing the toll, continued loudly. Jinhyun glanced sideways. His eyes met Taeun’s, who was holding his phone and fiddling with the control panel.

“Actually, I think I’m a little sleepy…”

Taeun suddenly offered an excuse, as if he had somehow interpreted Jinhyun’s gaze. Jinhyun silently turned his head away. He wanted to bite the soft skin around Taeun’s upturned eyes.

“I want to play some music… can I play some music?”

“Just play it. Why are you asking for permission?”

“It’s, well, your car.”

He used to act like it was his own. Jinhyun didn’t like how Taeun was asking for permission, as if keeping a distance. Taeun, having confirmed the connection, opened his playlist. Jinhyun couldn’t help but find Taeun’s profile, as he pondered his choice, utterly adorable, and started asking questions, unable to contain his curiosity.

“Did you eat?”

“Yeah?”

Taeun, busy scrolling with his thumb, replied while looking down. Jinhyun continued, undeterred.

“What did you eat?”

“…A hamburger.”

Even though he knew he didn’t have to answer diligently, Taeun let his mouth run. Some effort was required to maintain this awkward peace.

“Did you go out this morning?”

“I ordered delivery.”

“Ah…”

“…….”

“I see.”

The barrage of questions stopped. Sensing something was off, Taeun glanced sideways. He didn’t see Jinhyun’s hand, gripping the steering wheel, trembling slightly as he observed Taeun’s expression.

“Did you eat alone?”

“…Why are you asking so many questions?”

It wasn’t a question he couldn’t ask, but Taeun dodged it, feeling uncomfortable. Last Saturday was still stuck to him like gum on his shoe.

“Just curious.”

“You’re curious about everything…”

“Who did you eat with?”

Jinhyun asked again, and Taeun pursed his lips. It was difficult to keep ignoring the persistent questions. But he didn’t feel comfortable answering truthfully either. Taeun pondered.

Cha Jinhyun abhorred same-sex attraction, whether it was directed at him or someone else. He reacted as if affection was a virus. His reaction last weekend was proof. Accusing Taeun of “sleeping with a man” must have stemmed from the same sentiment.

“…I ate with my roommate.”

Do I really have to worry about this too? Taeun felt frustrated, but he didn’t want to start a fight, so he chose a more formal title than ‘hyung.’

“That’s strange.”

Fortunately, Jinhyun didn’t express the same primitive disgust as last time.

“What is?”

“I skipped breakfast.”

“…?”

He just said something out of the blue. Had he been off in another world? Question marks floated around Taeun’s blinking eyes.

“…Eat breakfast regularly. You’ll get a stomach ulcer.”

Even though he didn’t understand, Taeun gave a fitting reply, not letting on. At the same time, a short sound, somewhere between a chuckle and a sigh, escaped from the driver’s seat. It sounded closer to a sigh.

What’s with him? Taeun brushed it off and focused on his role as DJ, lowering his gaze.

His long fingers scrolled through his playlist, unable to find the right music. Taeun tended to act impulsively when faced with important decisions, but he always hesitated over trivial choices like this. Upbeat music seemed too loud, and calm music seemed too soporific. As he was fidgeting with his fingers, lost in trivial worries…

“I have a song I want to hear.”

Jinhyun spoke calmly from beside him. Lee Taeun, who had even searched for ‘good music for driving,’ figured it was for the best and turned to him.

“What song?”

“Your ringtone.”

Taeun’s fingers, which had been hovering over the search bar, ready to type in the title, froze. His eyelids blinked slowly. He suddenly felt nauseous, as if bile was rising in his throat.

“…I don’t have a ringtone.”

“The one you used to have.”

Jinhyun couldn’t possibly know what he was talking about. Of course not. That couldn’t be.

“Ah… that one.”

Taeun forced out the words, swallowing something he couldn’t name.

All he had to do was act nonchalant and find the song in his playlist. Taeun slowly averted his gaze and searched for the ringtone he had set a long time ago. He barely remembered the title. Ironically, it wasn’t a song he was familiar with.

He had set it because someone had liked it. He had hoped that person would call him twice if he heard it ring once. He didn’t even know the lyrics of the song he had set for such a trivial reason. Despite having it for seven years. It was understandable, in a way. It wasn’t for him.

Then who was it for? He couldn’t think of anyone. His efforts had been unwanted, unasked for. It had been for his own satisfaction. Had he even been satisfied? At least he had learned to give up. Taeun cut off the chain of thoughts.

The mound of earth he had carefully flattened was being messed up by a mere song. At times like this, he felt pathetic. He felt ridiculous, drowning in his own emotions. He didn’t even feel sorry for himself. He just felt pathetic.

Yeah, pathetic. It’s just a song. All you have to do is tap your finger.

“I… don’t want to.”

A pathetic person who can’t even do that.

The speakers remained silent, and Taeun spoke instead.

“I’m sick of that song, I don’t listen to it anymore.”

Everything else was fine, but why did he still dislike this? He didn’t know, but the feeling of dislike was clear.

“…I want to hear it.”

“…….”

It’s not me. I don’t want to hear it anymore. He was about to say that, but…

“Just play it once…”

“Ah, come on.”

Annoyance burst out before he could form a proper sentence. A sharp voice echoed, as if to devour Jinhyun’s cautious request. He immediately clamped his mouth shut, surprised by his own outburst.

Fuck. Taeun cursed inwardly. This was unnecessary.

The air around him suddenly felt as dry as his mouth. Taeun mumbled and shoved his phone into his pocket.

“L-Let’s listen to the radio.”

He turned off the Bluetooth on the control panel with a familiar gesture and hurriedly pressed some random numbers. The voice of a woman reading stories filled the car, tuned to the preset frequency. The atmosphere seemed to ease slightly with the silence gone. Taeun leaned against the window and turned his head outside.

“…Sorry.”

A low voice pricked the back of his head. He wondered what Jinhyun was apologizing for, but he didn’t want to know.

“Tae…”

“I’m sorry too.”

Taeun quickly apologized, cutting off Jinhyun’s voice calling his name. They had both apologized, so it was fine. Their terminally ill friendship was still peaceful for now.

The speeding car entered a bridge connecting the mainland and a reclaimed land. Outside, the vast sea and blue sky stretched out, as if competing for territory. Taeun closed his eyes, observing the vague boundary between them.

A crack appeared in the poorly built sandcastle. The dry ground was cracking.