Simmering Heat Chapter 16.2

Taeun had spent three nights in the computer lab, completing his midterm project, and had cracked open more than ten cans of beer each dawn. The excuse for staying at school, ostensibly to work on their laptop-based projects, was simple. At some point, sleeping at Seo Jaeoh’s had become uncomfortable. I’ll probably be working on the group project at school. You go to bed first, hyung. Lies had become commonplace, and this, too, tired Taeun out.

In the chilly computer lab, alone at dawn, his vision would often blur. Whenever that happened, Taeun would push his project aside, slump over his desk, and lose himself in frivolous thoughts. A futile fantasy of heading to Incheon Airport in a taxi.

After getting out of the taxi, he would spend all his money on a plane ticket. Even though he had no money, he would browse the duty-free shops to his heart’s content. He would choose a window seat, of course. He would take some pictures of the clouds, eat the in-flight meal, and call his mom after arriving… If she got angry and asked what he was doing, he would just cry. After that, he would go home, wash up, eat, and watch TV with his mom and dad, chatting…

The fantasy always ended around there, along with self-criticism: Are you an elementary school student? But he couldn’t control his endlessly sinking mood, and his depression grew day by day. He let it be, and that’s how he lived. Going to school, working, going back to school. Lost in thought, working, going to school…

“Hey, Taeun. What did you get?”

So, today’s outing was a welcome change. The lively atmosphere of the bustling event venue subtly lifted Taeun’s spirits. It was a shame that Cha Jinhyun was there, but what could he do? He couldn’t avoid him, and he didn’t want to waste this hard-won opportunity to lift his spirits.

“I’m a Hilarious Colt.”

Taeun curtly replied to Kim Sunghyun, who nudged him with his shoulder, waving the paper in his hand. Sunghyun also held a similar paper. It was the result sheet from the first booth they had just visited.

“Suits you perfectly.”

“…….”

Was that a compliment? It didn’t seem like it. Taeun briefly glared at the chattering Kim Sunghyun and turned his gaze back to his own result sheet.

The first booth had been Kim Sunghyun’s choice. It was a company that provided personalized dating coaching services, based on the common dating apps, but with a different approach. They focused on increasing user engagement through various content, not just matches, and one of them was a dating style test. The results, categorized into twenty different characters, added to the novelty.

Taeun’s eyes gradually widened as he read the freshly printed paper.

Hilarious Colt: Your energy is great, but take a break sometimes!

Knowing when to butt in and when to stay out is someone else’s story. You are the definition of knowing when to butt in. With your friendly and outgoing personality, you easily fit into any group! The same goes for dating. You tend to charge forward with overflowing energy, sometimes making the other person flustered. Haven’t you often acted first and regretted it later? …

“Whoa…”

A voice filled with admiration escaped Taeun’s slightly parted lips. This is pretty accurate. His round head automatically recalled his past, filled with regrets.

You can’t stand stagnant relationships. It’s either yes or no. You’re generally easygoing, but not when it comes to love. Staying friends after breaking up is something that only happens in movies, as far as you’re concerned. Don’t you feel the urge to hit such people with a cool stick?

‘I want to hit them.’

He nodded vigorously at the second paragraph. Was this some kind of fortune-telling? Goosebumps rose on his arms at the results, which seemed to be describing his feelings exactly.

With his trust in the test reaching 100% after just the first paragraph, Taeun focused on the densely packed paper, occasionally adding his own comments. They claimed the questions were carefully selected based on psychological science, and it didn’t seem like a complete lie.

And Kim Sunghyun, watching Taeun, hummed a tune and slyly rolled his eyes. His chaotic humming subsided as he saw Jinhyun’s indifferent expression. That piece of paper must be driving him crazy with curiosity. Contrary to what Sunghyun expected, Jinhyun was fiddling with his phone with a nonchalant air.

‘Oh… still playing it cool.’

Sunghyun’s hands, which had been clasped behind his back like a scholar, unclasped and naturally folded across his chest. His eyebrows shot up.

The signs of attraction were similar for everyone. Being curious about the person, wanting to know more about them, wanting to touch them if possible, and so on. If he had even a shred of interest, Cha Jinhyun would be no different.

If he was curious, he should just check. It was simple. The reason Kim Sunghyun had insisted on a booth related to dating was to test the strangely acting Cha Jinhyun.

He had cast the bait, and although it was ambiguous, he had gotten a nibble. Here’s what actually happened.

🔥

At first, when they entered the booth, Kim Sunghyun observed the situation with the heart of a fisherman casting his line and waiting for a big fish. Fortunately, the neatly decorated interior had plenty of interesting content. He anticipated a scenario where Cha Jinhyun, unable to resist the lure, would coax Taeun into trying this and that.

“Hey, this looks fun.”

But somehow… the big fish he was waiting for showed no intention of biting the bait…

“Wow, hey, look at this. It even shows a graph. Awesome.”

…and the oblivious frog started showing great interest.

“It’s really neat. The information is well-organized. I can refer to this for my project later, right?”

“Yeah…”

“They even analyze compatible personalities and preferences.”

Taeun, peering around the booth, picked up a sample result sheet and chattered excitedly. Indeed, it was the kind of distracting energy that wouldn’t give Cha Jinhyun a chance to speak.

Taeun didn’t stop there. With a face full of interest, he thoroughly examined the booth before walking towards the staff member inside. He looked eager to do something, even without anyone coaxing him. Kim Sunghyun admitted that his foresight had been short. Misjudging the character was the cause of his defeat. As he analyzed this, he began to formulate his next strategy.

“They said it costs money to do it.”

Taeun returned, announcing the unfortunate reality in a disappointed voice. Paid experiences were quite common at fairs full of marketing tactics.

“Really? Let’s go.”

Kim Sunghyun replied listlessly. Just as Taeun nodded, his face filled with lingering regret as he glanced back at the booth…

“Do you want to do it?”

Jinhyun, who had been watching quietly, asked in a calm voice. Both Kim Sunghyun and Taeun, who had been calculating his bank balance, turned to him simultaneously.

“We got activity funds, so do it if you want.”

Jinhyun added before even hearing a reply. His quickly added words sounded almost urgent.

Sunghyun’s assessment, that this fishing trip was a failure, quickly rewound. A bewildered sigh escaped him, but it disappeared into the air, unheard by anyone.

“How much is it?”

“F-Five thousand won.”

Lee Taeun stuttered out the exact amount, and Cha Jinhyun promptly opened his wallet and took out cash. Taeun received the money and, cautiously glancing around, walked away to find the staff member again. Kim Sunghyun, speechless with disbelief, finally came to his senses and opened his mouth.

“We got… activity funds?”

“So they say.”

“Ah… I didn’t know that.”

“Pay attention.”

“Wow…”

The shameless bastard was shameless even in his response.

Kim Sunghyun was a member of the club’s management team and held the title of officer. There was no way an “activity fund” he had never heard of existed. There was no trace of embarrassment on Cha Jinhyun’s face, even though he had lied in front of the management team and been caught within a second. He simply took out his phone and diligently took pictures of Lee Taeun under the pretense of “experience verification photos.”

He had to protect his pride as an officer. Kim Sunghyun didn’t suppress the sudden surge of spite.

“Can I do it too?”

He threw the question-disguised-as-a-demand. Sunghyun, settling down next to Taeun, sent Jinhyun a look. Jinhyun’s hand, busy taking pictures, faltered.

“Do you really… need to?”

A chilling smile spread across Jinhyun’s face, as if a hook had been attached to the corner of his mouth. His soft and gentle voice was somehow threatening, but Kim Sunghyun acted cutely, undeterred.

“Why is it okay for some and not for others?”

“Things like that happen a lot in life. Get used to it.”

“This is too unfair. Don’t you think so, Taeun?”

Taeun, unexpectedly dragged into the sudden nerve war over the activity funds, made a dumb sound, “Huh?” and looked back and forth between them. His eyes darted around in confusion, as if he hadn’t expected to be caught in the crossfire.

“I want to do it too…”

“…….”

Kim Sunghyun exaggerated a sad expression, pretending to cry as he grabbed Taeun’s sleeve and shook it. He deliberately made eye contact with Taeun, pleading with him. Touched by his pathetic appearance, Taeun asked, “Do you really want to do it that much?” and Kim Sunghyun quickly nodded.

Taeun twirled the pen between his fingers, seemingly lost in thought, before looking back and forth between them, making a big decision as he put the pen down. Lee Taeun was a pacifist. It was already awkward, and it was better to give in than to start a pointless fight.

“Hey, it’s okay if I don’t do it. Just Sunghyun…”

Just as Taeun, having quickly made his decision, was about to stand up…

“I’ll pay for another one.”

Jinhyun opened his wallet and took out some bills. Dark veins pulsed on the back of his hand as he handed over the money. Fine, have it your way. The words, gritted through clenched teeth, sounded so chilling that Kim Sunghyun had to suppress his laughter.

🔥

Having witnessed the highly amusing scene firsthand, Kim Sunghyun raised the possibility of the hypothesis he had dismissed as absurd. Whatever the reason, there had clearly been a small change in Cha Jinhyun’s heart after he dumped his old friend.

But he wasn’t completely convinced. Unlike Lee Taeun, who was engrossed in his result sheet, Cha Jinhyun didn’t seem particularly interested. Jinhyun, who had been furiously tapping on his phone, muttered something and shoved the device into his pocket. Then he walked over to Taeun and Sunghyun and calmly said,

“Share the results with me. I might refer to them when creating content.”

Kim Sunghyun was unsure. He wondered, ‘Is that it?’ but it also seemed plausible. For example, his tone when requesting to share the results was so listless and monotonous that it seemed purely for project purposes. There wasn’t really a reason to pry further, but his unresolved curiosity was nagging at him. So, Kim Sunghyun decided to provoke Jinhyun once more.

“Is that really necessary… Here’s mine. One is enough, right?”

Sunghyun folded his result sheet in half, having only glanced at it briefly, and handed it to Jinhyun.

“Taeun has someone else to show it to.”

Then he nudged Taeun’s side and added a teasing remark. The exaggerated wink was a bonus.

“Me?”

However, it wasn’t Cha Jinhyun who reacted. Taeun craned his neck and frowned, as if he’d heard something strange.

“This is a dating style test. You should show it to that person and see if you’re compatible.”

Taeun finally understood the meaning of his words. It was about that imaginary boyfriend again. Unaware of Kim Sunghyun’s intentions, Taeun glanced at Jinhyun before quickly averting his gaze, wondering why he was even looking at that bastard.

“Right?”

Taeun vaguely nodded at the question, seemingly determined to get an answer. Thanks to the detailed questioning, it was easy to lie without opening his mouth. Was that a good thing? How did he end up constantly lying? A surge of self-loathing washed over Taeun, but he quickly brushed it aside. Half of what he’d said in front of Cha Jinhyun had been lies anyway. There was no point in searching for his conscience now. Taeun shoved the paper into his bag and scanned the ceiling, trying to locate the next booth he had marked.

Kim Sunghyun, who had been watching Taeun cautiously, felt deflated as Taeun started walking towards the next booth. Despite his desperate provocations, the bastard hadn’t reacted as expected. It was a disappointingly anticlimactic ending.

Then why did he pay? Is their friendship that strong? Or is it guilt?

Feeling his enthusiasm wane, Sunghyun cracked his neck from side to side, thinking he had completely miscalculated. Forget it, let’s drop it. Just as he turned away from the silent Jinhyun and was about to follow Taeun…

“Ugh!”

A rough hand grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, and a muffled groan escaped his constricted throat. Kim Sunghyun’s right foot, which had stepped forward forcefully, dangled in the air like a swing. His lips parted in surprise amidst the pain of his tightening collar, then curved into a distinct smile.

“…Hey.”

It was the moment his absurd guess turned into reality.

🔥

After finishing their tour, the three joined the other members and moved to a restaurant. By the time they finished their mission, visiting the booths, the sun, which had been at its zenith, had begun to set in the west. The newly opened chicken restaurant was unexpectedly quiet. In the bustling space filled with voices of people choosing their orders, exchanging photos, and engaging in casual conversations, Cha Jinhyun maintained a cool silence.

His head hurt. An unfamiliar and awkward pain kneaded his brain. A sensation distinctly different from a normal headache pounded on his already frayed nerves.

Jinhyun pressed his palm against his throbbing temples. He then rested his elbow on the table and leaned his head on his hand. A deflated sigh escaped him, like air leaking from a balloon with a torn mouth. In contrast to his weary breaths, his wide-open eyes were fixed on Taeun, sitting diagonally across from him.

The throbbing intensified as Taeun stubbornly avoided his gaze. An uncomfortable sensation, like a sharpened blade scraping against his skull, furrowed his smooth brows. A pointless defiance rose in him at the deliberate avoidance. Jinhyun stubbornly stared at Taeun, but…

“Can’t we order boneless?”

“Chicken tastes better when you tear it apart.”

The source of his headache remained stubbornly indifferent.

He found their cheerful chatter over the menu extremely annoying. He was tempted to flip the wide table over. What was the need for such intense discussion over choosing fried chicken? Jinhyun brought the glass in front of him to his lips in a somewhat hasty motion.

He felt like he would blurt out, “Speak further apart, you gay bastards,” if he didn’t forcibly shut his mouth. Taeun, who would normally have glanced back at the persistent stare, kept his eyes glued to the menu. It was a rather unfamiliar sight for Jinhyun.

He wasn’t a believer in fate, but when it came to Taeun, he often thought differently. The fact that Lee Taeun’s university, where he had miraculously gotten in through the additional admissions, was a stone’s throw away from his own, the times they ran into each other three or four times out of ten on their way home, the way their eyes would often meet whenever he turned his head… As these strange coincidences piled up, his disbelief created an exception. There must be something between me and that bastard. Cha Jinhyun had dismissed it as nothing more than a passing thought and forgotten about it.

And now he realized. Fate didn’t exist. It was just a series of artificial situations created by someone. In other words, Taeun’s eyes had always been on him…

“…….”

…and they no longer were.

At the end of this realization, his hard skull throbbed. The pain spread, and a stinging sensation pierced his chest. Jinhyun lowered his hand from his head and reluctantly averted his gaze. A thirst, like a parched throat, arose from the unmet longing for a single glance. He filled his empty glass and drank again. The cold water he gulped down evaporated, consumed by the fire in his stomach. His ragged breathing startled the person sitting next to him.

“Are you sick?”

His silent form, only letting out rough breaths, must have seemed strange. Jinhyun was about to shake his head dismissively at the unwelcome concern, but stopped. After a moment of thought, he lightly touched his forehead and furrowed his brows instead of shaking his head.

“My head… hurts a little.”

His voice clearly conveyed his discomfort.

“What do we do? Are you okay?”

The surroundings became noisy at the unexpected reaction. Jinhyun’s attention was focused entirely on one spot. He anxiously watched Taeun’s reaction. His barely averted gaze flickered to the left.

“I really… I didn’t want to say this, but…”

“What?”

“I’ll chip in two thousand won.”

“Yes, I’ve heard your grand declaration, Mr. I-Don’t-Even-Have-Five-Thousand-Won.”

“Hey, I have two thousand won.”

Lee Taeun, far from being concerned, was still engaged in a heated debate about the menu. He rummaged through his bag, seemingly looking for the two thousand won. Jinhyun immediately straightened up.

‘Fuck.’

Their seriousness over such a trivial topic was unprecedented. Jinhyun didn’t seem to be on their minds at all. Jinhyun was dumbfounded. He was dumbfounded and frustrated by this situation where he was the only one suffering.

“Shouldn’t you rest?”

“Yeah, you should have said something if you were sick.”

“…It’s because I drank yesterday. It’s nothing.”

Concerned voices continued. Jinhyun chuckled dryly and replied calmly. Contrary to his words, it wasn’t a hangover. He would rather endure the physical punishment for last night’s excessive drinking.

He traced the origin of his headache. He could pinpoint it exactly. It started the moment he saw Lee Taeun today. His stomach churned when he saw Taeun’s figure in the distance, and his head throbbed when Taeun’s lowered gaze met his.

It was the first time he realized that someone so familiar could feel so strange. The moment he swallowed the saliva that pooled on his tongue felt like an eternity. The person he liked. The familiar childhood friend had become a completely different person with a single, embarrassing modifier.

Just act natural. Natural. The resolution he had repeated to himself in the taxi melted away at Taeun’s clear and transparent gaze. His plan to greet him normally, saying thank you for the umbrella or apologizing for yesterday, crumbled instantly. The trembling of his heart vibrated his vocal cords.

‘…Did you see me?’

That was the reason for his bizarre greeting. A childish desire for Taeun to notice his changed appearance had spilled out. He couldn’t take back the words he had spoken. His captive reason, clutching the bars, screamed, You idiot, stop it, but his body, overtaken by emotions, didn’t listen.

‘I’m looking at you right now.’

It was Taeun’s indifferent reaction that brought him back to reality. He hadn’t expected a grand reaction, but he hadn’t expected such nonchalance either.

So Jinhyun was taken aback…

‘Ah, right…’

…and at the same time, hurt.

‘You saw me.’

‘Yeah… I’m looking at you.’

He was hurt, more than he’d expected.

Who was he trying to impress by making such a fuss and dressing up since morning? He was driving himself crazy because he felt so unfamiliar to himself. Taeun had said he looked good, but now that he’d actually put in the effort, he didn’t even care.

‘But why…’

…didn’t he say he looked handsome?

The last shred of his reason barely suppressed the insane thought. At least that was fortunate.

‘…Never mind.’

Cha Jinhyun finally pulled himself together and composed his hurt feelings. Taeun’s indifferent reaction was a natural consequence. He had no right to complain that Taeun didn’t acknowledge his efforts after telling him to stop liking him.

Hadn’t he made up his mind? Not to rely on his pathetic emotions. To gain nine by giving up one. That it was enough just to be by his side. He gathered his scattered reason and composed himself.

After that, he tried hard not to pay attention to Taeun. He just observed him, as always, noting his sloppy appearance. He straightened Taeun’s flipped-up hood, and he gave him money for the ride, adding a playful lie when he saw Taeun fidgeting with an expression reminiscent of a child waiting in line for a ride. A tingling sensation, like static electricity, would sometimes run through his stomach when Taeun’s straight neck and soft lips entered his vision, but it was bearable.

‘Taeun has someone else to show it to.’

‘This is a dating style test. You should show it to that person and see if you’re compatible.’

It was then that the dull ache began to grow like a snowball, crushing his head.

‘Right?’

Kim Sunghyun’s slyly narrowed eyes were familiar. He was curious, no, bothered, by why that playful expression, commonly seen on someone teasingly pairing up people with a mutual attraction, was directed at Lee Taeun. He was bothered to the point of anger, and then the anger turned into fear.

At first, he thought Kim Sunghyun was talking about him. The assumption that Taeun might have told Kim Sunghyun evaporated at Taeun’s small nod. If it were true, Taeun wouldn’t have nodded. There was only one conclusion left.

Someone else.

The rope tightly wound around his heart suddenly unraveled.

His resolute will and determination crumbled at a mere passing conversation. Reason was powerless against emotions. His hand acted before he could even process the situation.

‘…Hey.’

Kim Sunghyun, dragged back by the scruff of his neck, stretched his philtrum and pursed his lips to suppress his laughter. His face, full of amusement, twitched. Jinhyun didn’t notice. He didn’t have the time.

‘That person?’

‘Ah… haven’t you heard from Taeun?’

As if he would have. He would be lucky if his messages weren’t ignored. Jinhyun didn’t answer the question but shook the scruff of Sunghyun’s neck, urging him to answer.

‘I’m not the kind of person who goes around talking about other people’s business, you know?’

‘He and I aren’t ‘other people,’ so tell me.’

‘Oh… that was forceful.’

Kim Sunghyun, oblivious to the atmosphere, continued his untimely teasing. Jinhyun felt a tightness in his chest, as if his lungs were filled with water. Seeing Jinhyun’s increasingly cold expression, Sunghyun continued in a still-amused tone.

‘If you’re curious, ask him yourself.’

‘…….’

‘You’re closer to him than I am.’

At the sharp remark, Jinhyun loosened his grip. Something ached somewhere inside him.

They were close. Yes, the closest. Close. That’s why he cherished him.

That’s why he had been so angry at the sudden distance and confession. Back then, his own feelings had been his priority. The time he had cut Taeun down with his sharp words flashed through his mind.

They were really close, he still cherished him, he still wished they were close, and even…

Do you feel the same? He wasn’t sure. His aggressive past had become shackles around his ankles.

🔥

He couldn’t find out the identity of ‘that person,’ the person he desperately wanted to know but desperately didn’t want to know. Ask him yourself. It wasn’t wrong.

‘But I don’t have the right to, damn it…’

The pain, like moths fluttering around his brain, slowly spread from top to bottom.

While he was lost in thought, the dishes they ordered arrived one by one. Kim Sunghyun and Lee Taeun’s compromise had just arrived. Everyone gathered around picked up their forks. Jinhyun picked up a french fry and chewed on it. He would definitely choke if he tried to swallow the dry chicken in his current state.

‘Who is it?’

That person, that person.

Relationships built on attraction followed a certain procedure. Were they just texting? Or had they already… No, even then, that couldn’t be. It had only been about two weeks since Lee Taeun moved out.

He was anxious. He shouldn’t be, but he was curious. He knew he had no right, but he was still upset. He was more than just upset; he was anxious. The sound of grinding teeth escaped his jaw as he chewed on a handful of french fries. Jinhyun questioned himself again.

‘Fuck, who is it?’

Only one person came to mind, but he desperately hoped it wasn’t him. He couldn’t bear the thought of the wild imaginations that would run rampant if it were confirmed.

The thought of that blind, clumsy, but undeniably piercing affection being directed at someone other than him made his hair stand on end. He knew it was a nasty thought, but he couldn’t help it. Because Taeun had been his. He wasn’t coveting someone else’s possession. …He had been his.

Just as his long legs, folded under the table, started shaking like a broken tractor trying to start…

“Where are you going today, Jinhyun?”

Kim Sunghyun, who had been diligently tearing apart a chicken leg, suddenly asked an irrelevant question. Cha Jinhyun, who had been demolishing the french fries, forced himself to ignore his throbbing head and just moved his eyes. A silent answer.

“Well, you look more dressed up than usual. A girlfriend?”

“…What?”

He couldn’t understand the intention behind mentioning a girlfriend he didn’t even have. Before he could deny it with a Bullshit, his gaze naturally shifted towards Sunghyun’s side. The short movement was hurried.

“Jinhyun, do you have a girlfriend?”

“Already?”

The atmosphere suddenly buzzed. Everyone’s attention, except for one person, focused on Jinhyun, chattering with interest. Taeun, as if it were an everyday occurrence, was chewing on his food with an indifferent expression. It was Jinhyun who was at a loss for words.

“Ah, you didn’t have a girlfriend?”

Kim Sunghyun, who had started the fire, shrugged.

“Oh, is that it?”

He then pointed his finger and continued teasingly, as if he understood.

“You were freaking out about going on a blind date yesterday. Did you decide to go?”

Kim Sunghyun casually dropped a bomb on Jinhyun, pretending not to know. To be precise, it had been about being set up with a woman, but well, it wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Are you crazy? When did I ever…”

Jinhyun’s darting eyes stopped abruptly. His rambling voice also came to a sudden halt. It seemed he was talking about the text Jinhyun had sent from the bar.

And Taeun, who had been following the conversation, gripped his fork with both hands and shredded the chicken coated in sauce. He felt a slight prickle on his back, but that was it. His annoyance was directed at Kim Sunghyun. He was just annoyed that Sunghyun was bringing up such a topic in front of him. Was this also some kind of shock therapy? Unnecessary kindness. He had already received plenty of shock from Cha Jinhyun. A carefree thought crossed his mind: Kim Sunghyun is gay, so he won’t date women.

Did Cha Jinhyun not know yet? If he found out, would he also call Kim Sunghyun disgusting and filthy? Or did it not matter as long as he wasn’t the one being liked? He could have avoided those words if he hadn’t confessed. He was being greedy… Ah.

Was it his fault?

The surrounding noise gradually faded. Lost in thought, the chicken in Taeun’s hand was shredded into pieces. Rip, rip. Rip, rip. When the thick piece of chicken was completely disintegrated, Taeun stood up.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

He tapped Kim Sunghyun’s shoulder with his index finger and added briefly. He felt gazes on the back of his head but ignored them and walked away.

The bathroom, with few people around, was clean and quiet. Taeun, who had come in to clear his head and escape the unpleasant topic, feigned a non-existent urge to urinate and stood in front of the sink. He washed his hands and was drying them under the warm air of the hand dryer when…

The thick metal door right next to him opened with a bang. He reflexively raised his head and saw an Adam’s apple bobbing. Cha Jinhyun, looking somewhat hurried, was standing there, holding the doorknob. Taeun silently lowered his gaze.

It was fortunate that their timing was off. …Standing side by side, taking a piss, was still a bit awkward. Just as he was about to leave, his hands dry…

“Hey.”

A strong hand grabbed his inner arm. The force spun his back towards Jinhyun.

“It’s not like that.”

Without giving him time to understand the abruptly spoken words, Jinhyun continued rapidly.

“I’m not going on a blind date. Kim Sunghyun was talking nonsense.”

“…….”

Taeun stared blankly at Jinhyun. He had nothing to say.

He found it a bit odd, and also strange that Jinhyun had followed him to explain. He couldn’t understand the reason. If he had to guess, there was something that came to mind. He wondered if it was Jinhyun’s way of being considerate.

When Taeun had confessed and clung to him, Jinhyun had been busy cutting him down with his sharp words. Now that Taeun had given up, was this his way of treating him like a friend? Come to think of it, Cha Jinhyun had always been kind to him, never as sharp and cruel as recently. This must be his normal state. Taeun, back to being a friend, was back inside the fence. It was a ridiculous gap. He even felt a pang of envy at Jinhyun’s ability to define their relationship so clearly.

Taeun looked down at his arm, still held by Jinhyun. What should he say to sound like a friend? What kind of reaction did Cha Jinhyun want?

“I don’t… really care.”

Didn’t Jinhyun want to hear that Taeun wouldn’t bother him anymore?

“Go on one if you want.”

“…What?”

“I won’t bother you if you go on a blind date.”

He chose his words and expression carefully, trying to appear as composed as possible. Jinhyun looked surprised, as if he’d heard something unbelievable. Did you expect me to cry and cling to your leg? A scoff, like a sigh, flitted across Taeun’s face.

“I know what you’re… worried about.”

The embarrassing past, when he had meddled in Cha Jinhyun’s dating life, came to mind. The jealousy he felt then had been so ugly and utterly useless. What would have been different if he hadn’t confessed so messily back then? Something would have been different. Perhaps the degree of his embarrassment would have been slightly less. Looking back, it was all just embarrassing memories. Embarrassing enough to make him think it was only natural for Jinhyun not to like him.

Taeun was extremely embarrassed, sometimes sad, and still a little hurt, but he didn’t want to hate himself. Because then, it would feel like it was his fault for being someone worthy of hatred.

An ugly rock suddenly surfaced in the calmly flowing waters of his heart.

“You don’t have to worry. You know, back then, when you didn’t know I liked you… I want to go back to how we were then.”

Taeun spoke calmly, but the words tumbled out as if he was spitting them out.

“Think about it. Isn’t it weird that you… care if I go on a blind date or date someone?”

“…….”

“Or are you feeling sorry for me now?”

There had been times when he wanted to cling to pity and sympathy. A worn-out childish impulse. Misplaced sympathy only made him angry.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“That’s how it sounds to me.”

Silence fell after the curt words.

Jinhyun sighed repeatedly, as if frustrated, and acted like he didn’t know what to do. And Taeun just stood there, watching the scene unfold.

How could this be called friendship? Even the guy who had been desperately begging to go back to how they were was like this. It was futile. There was no reason to stay like this. But then again, he thought maybe he was the one who ruined everything.

He was the one who initiated their broken relationship. He was the one who had torn apart Jinhyun’s life with an unwanted confession. Taeun slowly pulled his arm away. He didn’t want to continue this meaningless argument. The pointless emotional drain was no longer necessary.

“…Sorry. I think you were just worried about me.”

Taeun apologized in a neutral tone. He hid the apology he truly wanted to convey but still found difficult and postponed it for later. I’m sorry for liking you. I was also struggling. Those words were still too much for him to bear.

“But… it’s really okay, so date if you want.”

“…….”

“I will too….”

The added words were meant to reassure him. Jinhyun might be worried, wondering if Taeun still liked him, whenever he saw Taeun acting pathetic. Even though their relationship would end in a few months, Taeun planned to let Jinhyun know if he started seeing someone else.

“So, what I’m saying is… you don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Taeun patted Jinhyun’s shoulder, trying to act nonchalant as he solidified his resolve. Jinhyun stood like a stone, unmoving. Feeling somewhat awkward, Taeun turned to leave. His hesitant steps stopped before he could even take one. His path was blocked. He raised his lowered head.

“…Are you seeing someone?”

Jinhyun’s eyes gleamed intensely, as chilling as his voice. Taeun was speechless at the sudden, agitated question. He stood frozen, unable to grasp the intention behind the question.

The figure blocking his way seemed unusually imposing. He involuntarily took a step back.

“…….”

He hadn’t misheard. The owner of the chilling voice was indeed the man standing before him. His darkened, downcast gaze was incredibly cold. Taeun’s eyebrow furrowed in question at Jinhyun’s clearly angry face, making him reflect on what he might have done wrong. Unable to understand the context of the question, he just blinked repeatedly.

“Why aren’t you answering?”

Jinhyun stepped closer, the distance wider than the step Taeun had taken back. Uncomfortable with the close proximity, Taeun stepped back again. His lower back bumped against the damp sink, and the fabric of his clothes slowly became wet. Jinhyun, showing no consideration for his trapped situation, moved closer. Boxed in, Taeun clenched his fists and straightened his back.

He held his breath, overwhelmed by the familiar scent filling his nostrils. He didn’t want to answer. There was no reason to. He frantically looked around for an escape, ignoring the silent pressure.

‘Now!’

Taeun, who had been subtly shifting his feet, suddenly lunged forward. Just as he was about to slip past Jinhyun and out the door…

“Ah!”

A sharp pain shot through his shoulder. A short groan escaped Taeun’s lips as his shoulder was grabbed by a rough hand. Bang! The door slammed shut with a loud noise. Startled by the sudden situation, Taeun frowned deeply. He felt as though Jinhyun’s fingers were digging into his flesh and bone.

“Ow, it hurts…”

His forceful cry came out as a pathetic whimper. Jinhyun, looking even more surprised, immediately loosened his grip. His straightened fingers now held onto Taeun’s clothes, but Taeun was still trapped.

“Sh…it, why are you running away?”

Taeun was dumbfounded by Jinhyun, who was getting angry after kicking the door and grabbing his shoulder. Jinhyun tilted his head at the speechless Taeun.

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

The arrogant prodding was truly absurd. A sigh of exasperation escaped his lips at the relentless question.

“Why are you ordering me around…”

“I asked who you’re seeing.”

The crease between Taeun’s furrowed brows deepened. He was getting annoyed by the one-sided conversation, as if Jinhyun was deaf, which would have been better than this. He still didn’t understand why Jinhyun was so fixated on this question, but he had a vague idea of the cause. Kim Sunghyun’s playful teasing came to mind.

“So what if I am…”

“…….”

“What’s it to you?”

Even so, this kind of interrogation was beyond his understanding. Taeun made no attempt to hide his discomfort. He answered vaguely, not wanting a direct denial to sound like an excuse, but his words were sincere. Even if he was seeing someone, it was none of Cha Jinhyun’s business.

He glanced to the side, and saw Jinhyun’s bony hand trembling slightly. Why was he so angry? Everything was incomprehensible. In the flowing silence, Jinhyun spoke again.

“You confessed to me…”

His voice paused as he caught his breath. Jinhyun grabbed Taeun’s other shoulder. He then slightly lowered his upper body, as if to meet Taeun’s eyes. He looked like he was scolding a child.

“…a little over a month ago.”

“…….”

“And you’re already seeing someone else?”

It was a question that seemed to have a predetermined answer. Taeun’s lips curled into a bitter smile.

It hasn’t been a month, he muttered to himself, but only a cynical chuckle escaped his slightly dry lips. His first confession had been three years ago. The embarrassing past he had confessed to Jinhyun had once again become a memory only he held.

A month. The precisely defined timeframe was ridiculous. His empty smile slowly faded.

“You said it was just a fleeting moment.”

Even though he knew it was a feeling Taeun had harbored for three years, Cha Jinhyun had said those words.

“…I guess you were right.”

Taeun shrugged lightly. He didn’t have the energy to interpret Jinhyun’s anger. He didn’t want to repeat the past, where he had cried, wishing for Jinhyun to just hold his hand. The tight grip on his shoulders loosened as if by magic.

Jinhyun’s hands dropped, hovering in the air like dust.

“…….”

Jinhyun stared blankly at his empty hands and swallowed.

A tingling sensation ran from his chin to his lower abdomen. He repeatedly swallowed, as if gulping down water, to soothe the burning pain that consumed his insides. He curled his fingers into a fist to hide his trembling hands.

A fleeting moment. Yes, he had said those words himself. His thoughts hadn’t changed. Emotions were just temporary.

But memories weren’t easily erased. Taeun’s tearful face flashed through Jinhyun’s mind.

‘Why is this moment so long?’

His wet cheeks, his pitiful voice, were still vivid.

‘It feels like only my time has stopped…’

He didn’t think this memory would be fleeting. No, perhaps he hoped it wouldn’t be.

Now, shamelessly, without knowing his place.

A foolish laughter echoed from somewhere. The image of Taeun’s blushing face as he intertwined his fingers slowly overlapped with the figure before him. A crack appeared in the completely different image. He didn’t want to believe the discrepancy. Jinhyun suddenly felt desperate.

“When are you coming back?”

He had to cling to something. Taeun’s words, his sleeve, anything.

“You said you’d come back when things were sorted out.”

Even a vague promise, anything.

“It seems like… you’ve sorted things out now.”

His voice wavered slightly as he spoke. Conflicting emotions overwhelmed him. He wished Taeun would deny it. He wished it wasn’t true that Taeun was seeing someone else, even if it meant Taeun wouldn’t return to him. Yet, he hoped Taeun would come back. If possible, with the same feelings.

If that were possible, if Taeun would just do that, Jinhyun would offer him his hand, his lips, anything.

“…I don’t know either.”

The person who could fulfill his desperate wish gave an indifferent reply. Jinhyun was worn out by the vague answers that had been dodging his questions. He took a deep breath.

Calm down. Calm down… What should I do? Right, first…

“Then, are you going to… keep staying at that bastard’s house?”

He wanted to confirm Taeun’s future plans. Jinhyun forced a cheerful tone, trying to sound as kind as possible. His words came out haltingly.

“Didn’t I tell you not to call him that?”

Taeun didn’t answer. Instead, he defended the other man, pointing out the disrespectful title.

Jinhyun’s mind went blank. He’d lost count of how many times his resolve had crumbled today. He had a feeling…

“Is the person you’re seeing…”

…that this feeling would continue.

“that teacher?”

His short patience snapped. He let out ragged breaths.

“Is it… your landlord, that bastard?”

The insistent questions continued, but there was no answer. Drip, drip. Only the occasional sound of water droplets falling echoed in the space. Taeun, who should have denied it, remained silent. Jinhyun forced a smile.

“I think I’m going to misunderstand this.”

Why aren’t you saying anything? It’s not true, right?

There was no reaction to his desperate plea. His slightly trembling lips slowly froze. To Jinhyun, in his clouded judgment, this silence was no different from an affirmation. A sigh of self-derision escaped him.

His narrow mind knew no restraint. Jinhyun sharpened his gaze and raised his voice.

“You’re sleeping with your teacher because there’s no one else to sleep with?”

The feeling of his reason numbing was extremely unpleasant. His body tingled, as if his blood had stopped flowing. The pain spread like ink in clear water at Taeun’s continued silence. He was breathless. Just as he was about to push for an answer, unable to bear even the brief silence…

“You’re… really…”

Taeun, who had been silent all along, finally spoke.

“too much, aren’t you?”

“…….”

“…Yeah, really… too much.”

He muttered to himself and nodded weakly. Jinhyun’s frantically beating heart sank at the ambiguous gesture.

“Why are you doing this to me?”

His voice sounded like he would rather be yelled at.

It wasn’t so much words as a lump of emotions. The sound of his frustrated, exhausted, and weary heart breaking was utterly sorrowful.

“You’ve never treated someone you dumped like this.”

“…….”

“Is it because… I’m just someone you dumped, so you don’t even want to show me basic decency?”

The words, like broken fireworks, fell to the ground as soon as they were spoken. It was exhausting.

“Or is it because… I liked you.”

Taeun, who had been speaking slowly and haltingly, hesitated.

“Is it… that disgusting to you? Is that why you’re doing this?”

The momentary silence was a run-up to uttering the painful words. Realizing this, a tightness gripped his chest. The pain, like a needle slowly being pushed in, wasn’t imaginary.

He wanted to say it wasn’t like that. That it wasn’t…

Jinhyun couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He was the one who had driven Taeun to this point.

“Hey, Jinhyun.”

He couldn’t answer, even when the name he had longed to hear last night, over the phone, finally reached his ears.

“Can we just… not talk about this anymore?”

Taeun’s dry voice, strained with the effort to maintain a calm tone, gradually became wet with emotion. His shaky breaths hitched. Jinhyun watched him, frozen in shock. Taeun’s pale face was now damp. Jinhyun’s mind went blank as Taeun’s voice became thick with tears. He could only clench and unclench his sweaty palms and open and close his mouth.

He hadn’t meant to make him cry, he really hadn’t. He just wanted to confirm. If Taeun still had even a little bit of feeling for him, just in case, maybe…

His clumsy selfishness had hurt Taeun again. He wanted to bury his head somewhere.

Unlike Jinhyun, who was restless, Taeun sniffed and focused his blurry vision. Although his emotions surged and tears welled up, he quickly composed himself. He rubbed his heated eyes and washed his hands again. Jinhyun, frozen in bewilderment, racked his brain for something to say. It wasn’t as easy as he thought. His stopped thoughts wouldn’t restart.

The sound of running water felt like a reprieve. He wanted to untangle the knotted wound, even a little, before the water stopped. Drip. The moment the sound stopped, Jinhyun stammered,

“It’s not… that it’s disgusting, it’s just that back then, I…”

“Let’s stop talking about this.”

However, Taeun didn’t want to continue the conversation. A firm refusal blocked his clumsy excuse. He briefly glanced at the stunned Jinhyun before turning towards the door.

Jinhyun’s hand reached out belatedly towards Taeun’s retreating back. His curled fingers couldn’t even reach his clothes and fell back down. Jinhyun watched his somewhat gaunt figure. As if he had no lingering feelings, Taeun didn’t look back and pulled the doorknob.

Creak.

The old hinge made a mournful sound as it scraped.

At the end of the short echo of the closing door, Jinhyun bent his knees and sank to the floor.

Water droplets scattered on the hard tile floor clung to his pants. In his empty hand, a clump of fine hair crumbled.

“Ah, fuck…”

A pained groan escaped him from under his bowed head. He couldn’t remember what he had resolved, what he had given up, and what he had decided to protect. Everything was a mess. This kind of mire hadn’t been part of his plan. Left alone in this moment, he was consumed by pain.

Regret reveals itself only when it’s too late, when there’s no turning back.

The fleeting emotions, like seasonal flowers, the imperfect heart he had persistently scorned. The thoughts returned to mock him.

‘You said it was just a fleeting moment.’

Because it was fleeting, there were things he shouldn’t have missed.

‘…I guess you were right.’

There were feelings that burned because they were fleeting, that ached because they would pass. There were things that were precious precisely because they would disappear.

The grains of sand that slipped through his fingers, scattered and crushed by his relentless steps, were now beyond his grasp. He stopped, not knowing where to go. His only role was to quell the fierce anxiety on this pathless field. The reality he had to accept weighed heavily on his broad shoulders.

There was no one to guide him in this love he had started alone. Not a single breeze stirred behind the lonely figure, frozen in this moment.