Simmering Heat Chapter 19.1

The four who had paired off and drunk heavily woke up late in the morning. Or rather, three of them, excluding Cha Jinhyun.

By the time they finished their leisurely breakfast, it was past noon. The four of them got into the car and headed to a large supermarket. Mrs. Kim Jeonghui had declared she would bestow her motherly generosity. It was utterly useless for the runaway Lee Taeun, but he couldn’t refuse to participate. Choosing household items for Cha Jinhyun to use felt strangely awkward and unsettling.

After finishing their shopping, they got back in the car. Loaded with all sorts of goods, the car began ascending a wide-open mountain road. They were giving the mothers, who had an appointment, a ride. Taeun’s feelings were quite complicated as he responded to his mother’s teasing remark that she would call him before leaving the country and he should answer.

‘…Am I sleepwalking?’

That’s impossible. He might snore or drool occasionally, but he had never gotten up and wandered around in his sleep.

Last night, avoiding the adults, Taeun had gone up to the second floor and retrieved a musty summer blanket from the storage room. He came back out and quickly claimed the solitary sofa, lying down. Worried he might oversleep from the alcohol, he had fallen asleep clutching his phone with the alarm set.

And in the morning, the first sensation he felt after waking up to the loud alarm was a strange sense of freedom in his limbs. He nuzzled his cheek against the soft bedding and pillow, feeling quite comfortable, then suddenly opened his eyes wide and bolted upright.

Instead of the cramped sofa and empty hallway, a familiar room greeted him. It was alarming. He gasped, quickly glancing to the side, but thankfully he was alone in the bed. Looking around in bewilderment, Taeun had a natural question.

Where did Cha Jinhyun sleep?

Why am I here? Did I walk in here on my own two feet…? That’s… that can’t be, please let that not be…. He was having these worries when he heard the sound of slippers shuffling from beyond the door.

Simultaneously, Taeun’s body moved before his thoughts could catch up. He flopped onto the bed like a mouse looking for a hole, pulled the blanket over his head, and held his breath. He felt like he had to. It was an instinctive reaction.

A moment later, the door opened. He could tell from the faint sound, barely audible even with his ears perked up. That whoever entered was moving very cautiously. Taeun focused all his senses on his hearing. Behind his tightly closed eyelids, the figure of a man moving around the room shimmered.

Opening a drawer, taking out clothes, closing it, opening the drawer below, taking out underwear, closing it. The curtains were drawn with a rustling sound, blocking out the light. The dim room became even darker.

Thump, thump, the footsteps sounded again. The person, who had been heading towards the door, stopped beside the bed. Taeun gulped.

Why am I doing this?

The question suddenly arose, but his entire body tensed up. Even his closed lips stiffened.

Then it happened. Warm fingers slowly burrowed into the crown of Taeun’s head, which was exposed outside the blanket. The hand rested gently on his head for a moment before leaving without hesitation.

Thump, thump, again. The door opened and closed.

‘…?’

That was it. Jinhyun, whom he met at the dining table, didn’t show any sign of what had happened. So Taeun had nothing to say. After seeing his mother off, he sluggishly got into the passenger seat and glanced sideways as he fastened his seatbelt.

Did you move me yesterday?

There’s no need to ask. It was probably him. Bringing up something they both knew to create an awkward situation was foolish. Then, one question remained. The words that had been filling his mind surfaced. Why. Why….

‘Why… what’s the point?’

Why does it even matter? He was tired of “why.”

“Where are you going?”

“Huh, huh?”

“I’ll give you a ride.”

Jinhyun, who had the navigation app open and was staring intently, showed no signs of the strangeness from yesterday. That demeanor eased the “why” welling up inside Taeun. He acted as if last night’s argument was a distant dream.

It felt like looking at a bizarre picture completed by forcing mismatched pieces into a puzzle. That’s what their relationship was like. When faced with a trivial outcome of someone’s relentless efforts, Taeun was the type of person who would applaud and praise, regardless of the result.

“…Give it here.”

It meant he could accept this if it was Jinhyun’s effort. Taeun held out his hand, feigning nonchalance. He took the phone that was placed on his hand, typed in the subway station, and returned it. However, Cha Jinhyun didn’t start the car, instead furrowing his brow slightly.

“You live here?”

“I just put in a nearby station.”

“It’ll be hard to stop near the station on the weekend, give me your address.”

Suddenly, the phone was back in his hand. Taeun instinctively took it. He briefly wondered if it was okay to give out someone else’s address so readily, but it was a fleeting thought. It wasn’t like he was giving out his apartment number, and it was true that the busy station was crowded on weekends. He typed in his exact address and handed it back. A moment later, the car smoothly started moving.

The endless greenery passing by the car window changed into a gray cityscape.

Silence filled the car as neither of them spoke. It was uncomfortable. But Taeun didn’t turn on the music or try to start a conversation. He was still bothered by the argument they had in the car. He just wanted to part ways naturally like this. He only glanced at the driver’s seat, observing the equally quiet man. His dark eyes, staring straight ahead, were unfocused, as if lost in thought. He seemed to be deeply contemplating something.

As he was secretly observing those unfamiliar and strange eyes, a short buzz vibrated from his pocket. Taeun read the incoming message and hesitated for a moment before replying.

[Handsome Teacher Seo: What time are you coming? Should we have dinner together?] 4:45 PM

He let out a faint sigh and fidgeted with his fingers.

Is today a good time, or tomorrow? He was trying to gauge the timing. Taeun recalled the wad of cash his mother had given him as a birthday gift and allowance. Combined with the money he already had, it was enough to escape to temporary housing. It was earlier than the date they had discussed, but it was better for both of them if he left quickly. He couldn’t keep imposing on Jinhyun with this strange sense of obligation.

Ah, just tell him today. Checking the remaining time on the navigation, Taeun quickly moved his thumb.

[I think it’ll take about 30 minutes. I got some allowance, so it’s on me. It’s okay if it’s expensive, choose whatever you want.] 4:40 PM

Ignoring the minor typos, he pressed send and turned off his phone. It was a message crafted to avoid the need for a reply.

…But what if he really chooses something super expensive?

He briefly considered adding something like, “If you could let me know what you’d like, I’ll consider it,” but decided against it. Let’s treat him, even if it’s really expensive. Taeun was willing to repay even a fraction of his debt of gratitude. The trivial burden was turning into an unnecessary sense of guilt.

30 minutes from now would be early evening, he thought, turning his gaze to the window. The car had already exited the highway and was entering the outskirts of Seoul. Taeun flinched as he looked around while the car was stopped at a red light. The honking of the car behind him was deafening. He reflexively checked the traffic light and turned towards the driver’s seat. Despite the loud honking, Jinhyun remained motionless, his eyes closed.

“Hey, it’s green.”

“…Oh.”

He let out a short sigh when Taeun nudged him. He shifted gears and stepped on the accelerator with a nonchalant gesture, but he still seemed to be somewhere else. Taeun looked away again, suppressing the budding questions.

Despite being a weekend, the road wasn’t too congested. Every traffic light turned green as if in reward, and the 30 minutes on the navigation quickly became 10, then 5, then 1.

“You can drop me off here.”

Taeun pointed to the curb in front of his officetel and unbuckled his seatbelt. The slowing car rolled to a quiet stop. “You have arrived at your destination,” the navigation announced briefly.

“Hey, I….”

Taeun, turning to say goodbye, was slightly taken aback and couldn’t speak. Cha Jinhyun, his head buried in the steering wheel, was taking deep breaths.

“Are, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

The immediate reply sounded as calm as his words. He couldn’t see Jinhyun’s expression, so he didn’t know the truth. Only his rising and falling back seemed strained, as if he was trying to suppress something. Jinhyun slowly straightened up. He brushed his fingers off the steering wheel and turned to look at Taeun.

“…”

He didn’t say anything. The intentional silence created a strange tension. Taeun quickly grabbed the door handle.

“Um… thanks for the ride, uh, thanks.”

A certain intuition washed over him. He felt like he needed to get out right now.

“I, uh, I’ll be going.”

Just as he was about to open the door without waiting for a reply, a heavy clunk echoed as the door locks engaged. Startled, Taeun immediately turned to look at Jinhyun.

“Hey, the door.”

His words stopped abruptly. Jinhyun, ignoring him, put his hand on the gear shift. The car, without even turning on the hazard lights, suddenly reversed quickly and then moved forward again. Without any destination in mind, it followed an unknown path.

“I said I’m getting off!”

His bewildered voice resonated in the car. The car, back on the road, sped away without stopping. Taeun frantically darted his eyes around, taking in the sudden situation.

“Lee Taeun.”

Jinhyun called Taeun’s name in a calm voice.

“Are you really crazy?”

“Yeah, I’ve been for a while.”

Cha Jinhyun answered without hesitation, even though Taeun hadn’t asked out of genuine concern. His pulse quickened.

“Lee Taeun….”

“…”

This kind of heartbeat was not welcome. He wanted to run away.

“…Taeun.”

A soft call reached Taeun’s ears, frozen and speechless. He couldn’t even blink, surprised by the unfamiliar tone.

Jinhyun repeated Taeun’s name. He didn’t get any response. The distance, less than a step, felt far.

“I’m sorry, I can’t keep that promise.”

Jinhyun gripped the steering wheel tightly.

How should I tell him? he had been thinking ever since he made up his mind. Should I casually suggest having dinner together? Make a reservation, finish a meal at a quiet, atmospheric place, walk beside him, match his pace, and then carefully confess? Ah, he should apologize first. The words he had intended to say before parting were not these.

The agonizing thoughts he had throughout the night were futile and meaningless.

“I, you.”

He thought he was used to things not going his way, but he still wasn’t. Yet, he accepted it. It was a matter of emotion. The moment he saw Taeun’s back about to leave, all his plans and thoughts became useless. He didn’t want to let him go. The arrogance of thinking he could let him go for the perfect timing crumbled pathetically.

“I think I like you.”

The source of the desperate confession wasn’t anything grand. He wanted to hold onto him. He wanted Taeun to let him. That was all. Unfortunately.

The outside noise faded away. His voice trembled pathetically. His bloodshot hands felt cold.

“No, I like you.”

“…”

“So… I don’t want to let you go.”

“…”

“Can you not go?”

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his pounding heart as he received no response. Jinhyun opened his trembling lips. A rough voice escaped.

“…I, you… I like you.”

I, like, you.

It was a terrible confession.

The light completely vanished from Taeun’s blank, black eyes. His stiff body, as if bound, thawed and twitched unnaturally, like melting ice. Taeun straightened his head, which had been turned to the left. A faint confusion washed over his expressionless face. He opened his dry lips in a defensive, obligatory manner, like grabbing at the ground right before falling.

“Ah… okay.”

An empty voice escaped. He answered because he had to. He spoke because he had to.

Okay. I see. Leaving behind the ambiguous words that offered neither affirmation nor denial, Taeun looked down at his hand gripping the door handle. What was this? His fingers were strangely twitching in the spring sunlight that wasn’t cold at all. It was so strange that he brought his other hand over and quickly covered the back of his hand. He was puzzled. That hand was trembling too.

Oh, he wasn’t trembling from the cold.

His body was shuddering, startled by the unexpected warmth. Realizing this, his breath hitched. It felt agonizing, like being thrown into a burning furnace. The tremor spread throughout his body, touching his knees, shaking his shins and toes. He was hot. He felt like he might die from the heat. Cold sweat trickled down his heated nape and back, and he felt scared.

“I, I want to, get out.”

Ash-like warning signals floated in his blackened mind. He wanted to run away.

“I know this is… surprising, but.”

“No, no, it’s not that, I need to get out.”

He hurriedly interrupted Jinhyun, his voice trembling even as he spoke urgently. Taeun rattled the door handle like an animal being led to slaughter.

“Let me out.”

“Taeun.”

“Fuck, let me out!”

The lock disengaged as if by chance as he frantically yanked at it. Taeun tried to pull the handle without hesitation. Startled, Jinhyun quickly re-engaged the lock on the door trim.

“Are you crazy?!”

Raw emotion burst from Jinhyun’s lips at the sudden, dangerous situation. Despite the sharp shout, Taeun tried to escape again. Jinhyun, biting his lip in anguish, reached out and grabbed Taeun’s hand. As he interlocked their fingers to prevent Taeun from escaping, Taeun raised his left hand, struggling. Jinhyun pressed down on his elbow with his own, suppressing the constant movement, and quickly scanned the area ahead.

“Stop, I’m getting out.”

Taeun muttered like a madman. He looked around with his hand clenched, but there was nowhere suitable to stop the car. Jinhyun glanced briefly at the side mirror and turned the steering wheel. The tires screeched against the pavement. Honking from all directions made his head spin. Taeun, seemingly oblivious to the urgent noise, was struggling to pull his hand away, his head lowered.

The car came to a rough stop on the side of the road. Jinhyun braced Taeun’s upper body with his arm as he lurched forward from the sudden stop and turned on the hazard lights. As soon as the car stopped, Taeun unlocked the passenger door and flung it open violently. Jinhyun hurriedly chased after Taeun as he stumbled out.

“Lee Taeun!”

The narrow sidewalk was empty. Under the shade of the lush street trees, Taeun quickened his pace as if fleeing. He didn’t hesitate, even at the sound of his name coming from behind. A pointless chase ensued. As Taeun distanced himself as if leaving forever, Jinhyun practically ran, grabbing Taeun’s shoulder and turning him around.

“Tae….”

“Is this fun?”

A sharp, piercing voice cut through the air, contrasting with his body, which had been forcibly pulled back.

Jinhyun froze as if choked. The pathetic confession, the uncomfortable trembling, the bewilderment, the confusion, the fear, and then you. The hot blood coursing through his body cooled instantly. Taeun’s face was a mess, wet with tears.

“You like me?”

“…”

“Why do you like me?”

“…”

“You said you hated it. You said it was shitty and unbearable.”

He couldn’t even offer a clumsy excuse, faced with the sudden tears.

“It doesn’t make sense, why… why do you like me?”

He wasn’t questioning or accusing. It was closer to a question stemming from his inability to comprehend the situation. His choked voice faltered and trailed off.

“You… you can’t play with me like this. We agreed not to. Fuck, at least you shouldn’t joke about liking me.”

The deep distrust and strange mix of questions chose an easy answer. A joke. A mockery. A lie. His tear-filled eyes, which had been shimmering like scales in the sunlight, instantly turned cold. There was no trace of affection in his gaze as he stared at the man in front of him.

As Jinhyun hesitated, unsure of what to explain, how, or how much, Taeun turned to leave again. Jinhyun, silent like a sinner, grabbed him desperately.

“I know I’m a guy with nothing to offer, I know, but.”

“…”

“I’m serious. I, right now… I, I don’t even know what I’m saying….”

He fumbled through his disorganized thoughts and barely managed to continue.

“I didn’t know it would be like this. That’s why I acted that way. I’ve never been like this before….”

Taeun shrugged off his arm.

“…Is it okay to act like that just because you don’t know?”

The questions he had tried to discard, the meaningless worries he had barely escaped, shook him again. Taeun breathed rapidly, trying to control his ragged breaths. But he couldn’t calm down. His silent lips trembled slightly.

Whenever he wondered how it had come to this, he concluded that it couldn’t have been any other way. The one who had instigated him to push him away had turned on him fiercely the moment their friendship crossed even a temporary boundary. Had he struggled, unaware that the outcome was predetermined? After all, resignation and despair wield their most vicious power when hope exists. Taeun sometimes wondered if Cha Jinhyun had tried to shake him off that way.

“Did you think I didn’t know you were doing it on purpose?”

He had felt it, but pretended not to. He had forced himself to believe in a formless mirage. Because it was something, anything. Knowing he was in a position where he should be grateful for even cruel hope, he had followed along without complaint. It had been okay. If he had been worried about pride or anything similar, it wouldn’t have been a love he could sustain. Such things meant nothing to him. He would foolishly smile, thinking it was a good deal to give everything and receive even a shred of attention in return.

“You never intended to accept my feelings anyway, right?”

That’s why it had been okay. Until just now, it really had been okay.

He felt like he was being relentlessly trampled on. Like he was being tested to see how much he could take. He felt tormented, as if he was being dragged back to the testing ground he had given up on and forced to start again. Taeun straightened his neck and retorted.

“I knew you saw me as easy, and I didn’t care. But this… this is really.”

“Taeun.”

“Just be honest, you don’t have to sugarcoat it.”

Tears welled up and streamed down his face, blurring his vision as he shook his head relentlessly. The teardrops fell onto the cement, creating small, round marks.

“You’re just… disappointed that the funny guy is gone… and you mistook that for liking me. You, you, you’re the kind of guy who has to have everything your way, so you’re just spouting this bullshit without thinking.”

His trembling hands roughly wiped his face. His reaction was natural, as if he wanted to cover his ears and disbelieve even the smallest corner of his offered heart. Jinhyun knew that he had to endure any contempt or rejection that came his way. He hadn’t had the arrogant expectation that he would be accepted immediately.

“Without thinking?”

His face, which he had repeatedly told himself he knew, twitched slightly. A gritting sound escaped his clenched jaw. An arrogant rage surged as the moments of resignation and acceptance he had suffered through like a fever during the night were completely denied, not to mention his feelings.

“Do you think I didn’t fucking think about it?”

“Yeah, because I’m not that important to you.”

But the spark he had ignited was immediately extinguished by Taeun’s unwavering reply.

Jinhyun stared at Taeun, feeling somewhat deflated and quite devastated. Taeun didn’t hesitate to belittle himself. The certainty that he meant nothing to Taeun made his chest ache as if it were torn.

“There’s no one as important to me as you.”

“…”

“If it were anyone else, I would have left as soon as they confessed. Let’s be clear about that. You’ve been important to me since before.”

He was being sincere. He even felt wronged. Even if it hadn’t been love, he had cherished Taeun in a different way, clinging to him with a misguided approach. He just hadn’t expected his feelings to change in this direction.

“Why do you think I agreed to live with you after being rejected for three years? I’m not so desperate for company that I’d contact someone for a whole month while being blatantly ignored.”

Despite his pure sincerity, Taeun showed not even the slightest flicker of emotion. As if he wasn’t listening, or even if he was, he wasn’t affected at all. Jinhyun’s throat constricted with a burning thirst. His belated feelings couldn’t reach Taeun.

What should he do? He had never felt so lost in his relatively smooth life, never felt the fear of losing everything due to a momentary mistake. He couldn’t think of anything useful, even after searching through his memories, everything he had seen and heard.

All that came to mind was you, unreservedly honest, and me, broken. Nothing else.

“You said to be honest. Okay, let’s do that.”

So he stopped thinking. He decided to reveal the truth he had hidden and his true feelings. It wasn’t a calculated move to steer the situation in the right direction. It was the desperate flailing of a man driven to the edge of a cliff.

“Yeah.”

“…”

“I never intended to accept your feelings, no matter what you did. Because you were in the wrong… I thought it was okay. It’s true that I thought there was no one as easy as you.”

Taeun visibly flinched at the belated confession delivered in a monotone.

“…I lied to keep you by my side. I thought you’d give up eventually, that’s why I did it. I fucking thought I could just endure it. I thought I could easily let go. That it was just your stubbornness….”

“…”

“If only you had given up, we wouldn’t have drifted apart. You said you liked me, but I didn’t understand why you wanted to be strangers who couldn’t even see each other’s faces after breaking up, when there was a safe path.”

Jinhyun gently tugged on Taeun’s arm as he tried to pull away again, as if overwhelmed by the confirmed suspicion.

“So… what I’m saying is, I’m being a fucking idiot right now.”

Taeun’s eyes, which had been frozen and still, twitched slightly. Jinhyun, not wanting to miss the small change, carefully observed him with a fixed gaze. His eyes obsessively followed every single one of Taeun’s movements.

“I… thought about it too. Why am I like this? Am I crazy? I need to snap out of it. But it kept bothering me, I couldn’t sleep, and I was searching shitty real estate listings…. Why… why do I keep thinking about kissing you? I know damn well that it’s none of my business where you go, who you fuck or hook up with, but it bothered me, it bothered me so much I couldn’t do anything properly, I tried to endure it, but I couldn’t.”

He paused and took a breath, having poured out his heart without hesitation.

“So I confessed.”

He concluded with a resigned tone.

“That it was because you were easy. No, the opposite.”

Jinhyun forced the words out, his throat dry. He hoped it didn’t sound like an excuse. The muscles in his body, tense with nervousness, twitched and stiffened. Confessing his true feelings was such an exhausting task.

“Because you became difficult, I… I thought I knew you best, but I didn’t….”

“…”

“I’m doing this because I don’t know, this is all I can do.”

“…”

“…I like you.”

The confession, ending with “I like you,” was filled with curses, disorganized, and uncharacteristically clumsy.

“If you want to do… what I did to you… go ahead.”

“…”

“Laugh at me, the pathetic idiot.”

And Taeun just stood there, dazed. Tears streamed down his face, making him dizzy. The words that had poured over him like a waterfall felt unreal. Cha Jinhyun was confessing his love. He was saying he liked him.

Taeun wished he could grab a knife and cut himself anywhere, just to see if he would bleed, if it would hurt, if it would be painful. This was a situation that wasn’t easily allowed even in dreams. His closed lips parted slightly. He needed to organize his chaotic thoughts.

He had to say something. Anything. So Taeun looked into his own heart. If this confession was sincere, he had to give an answer, so he had to… express his feelings, his thoughts…. But.

“I… I didn’t want to laugh at you.”

His barely regained vision blurred again. The whole world became hazy, as if he had buried his face in a puddle.

“I didn’t like you to laugh at you, I….”

“…”

“I, I just, with you….”

He wanted to be in love.

He wanted to be loved. He wanted to give love. He had wished for that for so long.

He had always hovered around Jinhyun, coveting a place he couldn’t even dream of. He had desperately wanted this relationship, where someone he had known for less than a month easily took the feelings he hadn’t dared to touch for over ten years of friendship. He had yearned, given up, yearned again, and had to give up again, sometimes feeling like he was going crazy, yet he couldn’t let go of that desire.

He wanted to date Jinhyun.

He wanted to be someone who could ask about his whereabouts without needing a reason. He wanted to exchange casual, lighthearted messages. He wanted to share the trivial misfortunes at the end of the day, like tripping over his shoelaces or missing the bus, and listen to Jinhyun’s as well.

On the way back from drinking, when the cold wind brushed against his flushed cheeks and he felt a pang of emptiness, he wanted to dial Jinhyun’s number without hesitation. He wanted to be a shield against Jinhyun’s occasional melancholy, and on days when he was overwhelmed with hardship, he wanted to be the one to hold him close and offer even a moment of comfort. He desperately wished to be the first person that came to mind in the joys and sorrows of everyday life.

Even half-hearted love is still love, so he thought of Jinhyun at the beginning and end of each day. He wished as he laid his head on the pillow. Only you are left. Then, closing his eyes, he would berate himself. Don’t be greedy, don’t be pathetic…. He had repeated this agonizing cycle for a long time.

“…Why, why now… this….”

Ah, this was the reason he couldn’t readily give an answer. This was the reason he couldn’t feel joy despite this miraculous moment. He had yearned for Jinhyun for too long.

Compared to that, in a fleetingly short time, his heart had been cleanly torn apart. The couple of months they spent together were more painful than the seven years he had endured alone. So the wounds were still fresh, and the torn skin would bleed at the slightest touch.

Taeun gazed at the man before him, his eyes filled with tears. He wiped away the tears streaming down his face like a burst dam and focused on Jinhyun’s clear image.

‘If I think about dating you… it’s kind of funny.’

‘Does it have to be me?’

‘No matter how hard I try, I can’t imagine it. It’s so fucking disgusting.’

The same face, the same lips.

“You’re really too much, you know, know?”

He knew that the fantasies he occasionally indulged in were just that, fantasies, and that reality would be different. He had been prepared for a cold response to his messy confession, but it still hurt enough to break him instantly. He supposed it was his fault for not anticipating the extent of the pain.

He was too scared to ask if it was really that repulsive, so he swallowed his painful complaint. What he swallowed didn’t disappear but accumulated layer by layer.

“You… you’re a real fucking bastard, you know?”

Taeun’s shoulders shook violently. The neglected scars suddenly tore open, throbbing with pain. The cries he had suppressed finally burst forth.

“Why… why, why did I have to hear, hear those things?”

Each word was slow and halting, interspersed with sobs and ragged breaths. He didn’t care, panting and pouring out his uncared-for wounds.

“I, I know. I was wrong, but… could you have shown me a little, little mercy? If I, if I were im, important… you could have shown some mercy. I asked you, even if you really hated it, to not show it in front of me, please.”

He burst into tears from the injustice. He had harbored these feelings for seven years, what were a mere two months? Taeun cried because he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t be fully happy.

Even though he could just ignore the wounds as always, dismiss the pain, and forget everything, he couldn’t, so he cried. He hated himself for pleading, for feeling this much pain even though he knew there was no point in dwelling on the past now.

“I just, liked you, I did it because I liked you….”

His chest heaved violently. He gasped for breath, his ribs aching. Despite his long-awaited wish coming true, Taeun was helplessly lost in the past. The threads of memory entangled him like a spiderweb. He couldn’t easily break free.

He used to say that emotions are fleeting. He had said that the thought of dating him was laughable. He had pushed Jinhyun away, telling him to go to someone else. When Jinhyun confessed his feelings, Taeun had recoiled as if it were a punishment, asking if it had to be him. When they kissed, Taeun had mocked him, saying he was just playing along. And, and then. Those times, when he had coldly rejected Jinhyun, vividly enveloped Taeun, down to every strand of hair.

So he wasn’t confident. He was already too hurt to readily accept the love Jinhyun was offering.

“Fu, fuck, if you hated it… you should have just said so.”

“…”

“Why did you say those things….”

Tears streamed endlessly. He raised his arm and buried his face in it. Occasional sobs soaked his sleeve. He couldn’t stop, even though pathetic sounds kept escaping his ragged breaths. Taeun pressed his eyes shut and tried to regulate his breathing.

“…Taeun, I….”

“See?”

“…”

“When you say my name… I don’t like it at all. I just think of those times.”

Both of them remembered the same moments.

The black sea, the dirty alley filled with cigarette smoke, the musty hotel room, the moldy furniture, the damp bed, the condom in the trash can.

“…Why didn’t you even call my name more often?”

“…”

“Was that so… difficult…?”

He didn’t say, “Why didn’t you like me back then?” He hadn’t expected that much. He only said it because he realized there wasn’t even a memory to cover up that day.

“From now on… I’ll call you often, if you let me… as much as you want…”

Jinhyun stammered, his voice wavering as he fumbled for permission. Taeun lowered his arm and shook his head. Dark tear stains spread across his crumpled sleeve. The shed tears remained like scars.

“You don’t have to.”

That was the answer, after the brief tug-of-war. At the indirect rejection, Jinhyun clenched his fist.

“I was… wrong.”

“…”

“I admit I deceived you. But, now… it’s different.”

“…”

“…Don’t rub like that, you’ll hurt your face.”

He took Taeun’s hand, which was roughly rubbing his wet face, and gently stroked his cheek. Taeun turned his head away, but didn’t pull his hand back. Afraid he might leave, Jinhyun intertwined their fingers. Taeun’s fingers went limp, caught in the net of Jinhyun’s hand. There was a clear difference in the strength with which they held each other.

So he realized it again. It was rejection.

“Is it too late?”

He asked pathetically, not wanting to admit it. He wanted to ask again and again until he got the answer he wanted.

“It wasn’t about being late.”

“…Or, is it because of someone you’re… seeing…?”

“It’s not that kind of problem.”

Flat replies came back consistently. Jinhyun couldn’t ask any more and tightened his grip on Taeun’s hand pleadingly.

Taeun looked down at the round water stains on the ground, his head lowered. He didn’t know. Why he was acting like this. He just wasn’t curious about the things he should be curious about. Why did Jinhyun like him? What did he like about him? Since when? Even summoning the slightest bit of strength to move his lips and ask these childish questions felt overwhelming right now.

The wind from passing cars rustled the leaves of the street trees. The occasional chirping of birds, the distant ringing of bicycle bells, and the out-of-sync breaths of the two. In the dissonant silence, Taeun suddenly remembered the apology he had put off.

He no longer wanted to hide anything, faced with the sudden sincerity. It was pointless.

“Jinhyun.”

“…”

“I’m sorry… for ignoring you three years ago… back then.”

Jinhyun’s eyes widened, sensing something in the sudden apology.

“…Why are you bringing that up now?”

“It’s not sudden, I… wanted to apologize for this. The reason I couldn’t say it at first was because I couldn’t say I liked you…. I should have just said it properly from the beginning, I, I was too caught up in my own thoughts….”

“You don’t have to be sorry, so don’t apologize.”

Jinhyun sensed it. That his confession had brought about the end.

He had lit the fuse. He hadn’t dared to hope for acceptance, but the ending was more devastating than he had anticipated. His stomach churned. He blinked rapidly, feeling like something was about to burst.

“No. Back then… I was wrong. And, after the semester ends….”

“I know you don’t intend to see me.”

“…”

Taeun, his next words stolen, looked up in surprise.

“Even in my drunken stupor… I could tell you were lying.”

Jinhyun gently stroked the back of Taeun’s hand with his thumb.

He knew he had no right to complain, to ask how Taeun could do that, or to hold onto him. He couldn’t force his selfish will on Taeun. Not anymore. Never again…. So all he could do was respect, persuade, and even beg. These pathetic options were all that remained for him.

“If that’s your decision… I understand. I get it, logically. It’s okay to do that, but.”

He had to persuade him. Somehow. Jinhyun racked his brain, suppressing the urge to stomp his feet and yell, to tie Taeun up and keep him there.

“Can we make it conditional?”

It was a rather weak opening for persuasion.

“Give me a chance to change your mind.”

“…”

“…You don’t have to do anything. I’ll do it all.”

He pleaded, asking only to be allowed to stand before the firmly closed door and knock.

“Just… think of it as a pastime… I won’t ask for much.”

“…”

“If it’s burdensome, think of it as teasing me. All you have to do is watch me make a fool of myself.”

He couldn’t force the door open. He only begged Taeun for the chance to reconsider.

“If you still don’t feel it after seeing everything, then run away.”

Jinhyun didn’t say he would give up or let Taeun go. He didn’t want to make a promise he couldn’t keep. So he couldn’t say he wouldn’t chase after him either. He knew he couldn’t.

“If you find it… even a little amusing to play with me… just tell me. See? Easy.”

He forced a smile, casually offering himself up as a plaything, barely managing to lift the corners of his mouth. The forced smile didn’t fit and felt out of place.

“Play with me.”

His lips trembled slightly as he made the pathetic request. The light tone and awkward expression, as if suggesting a fun game, wavered, burdened by his hidden anxiety.

“…I’ll try really hard.”

“…”

“Can you… just play along?”

Jinhyun wished the frantic beating of his heart would transfer to the palm of his hand holding Taeun’s. The empty street echoed with the occasional sniffle as Taeun wiped his nose. Twilight began to fall around the two standing at the border of beginning and end.

The anxiousness of a man awaiting his final judgment burned like wildfire.