Simmering Heat Chapter 18.1

The cluster of two-story buildings was a common residential sight in Western countries, a rare scene in Korea, but it wasn’t unfamiliar to Taeun.

The memory of running like a steed through alleys scattered with triangular and square roofs was still vivid. Among them, the houses occupying vast lands were so familiar they evoked nostalgia. It was only natural, as he’d been in and out of them like his own home since he was a snot-nosed kid. The fortress-like stone walls were still grand. Tilting his head back, the building peeking through the thick branches of trees was also the same. Despite the familiar scenery, Taeun was newly impressed. Jinhyun’s family home was that magnificent.

Just how grand was it? Well, there was this one time.

It was when Taeun, a third-grader, first visited Jinhyun’s house. It was the most astonishing experience the ten-year-old had ever had. He’d tagged along when Jinhyun suggested they play at his house, only to be greeted by a gigantic door that looked like an entire classroom wall. He couldn’t even fathom where the doorknob was, or where to enter a passcode.

Taeun ran back and forth, trying to find the doorknob. Jinhyun, who had been quietly watching, calmly informed him, “That’s the garage.” Taeun’s bustling run came to an abrupt halt. “Garage.” It was a rather unfamiliar word to Taeun at the time.

Jinhyun led Taeun up the stairs. Ascending the spotless stairs, as if tofu had been measured and cut with a ruler, revealed a scene unseen from below. A neatly trimmed green lawn, flowerbeds lined with colorful flowers and trees, a wooden table in the center, a sand-colored parasol folded like an umbrella, and a white, square building made of a mixture of glass and cement.

“Does only your family live here?” Taeun whispered, cupping his hand around Jinhyun’s ear, dumbfounded.

The source of the silly question was twofold. First, the sheer scale of the house led him to assume other families must also reside there. Second, Taeun’s own living environment formed the basis of his thinking.

To Taeun, who had only lived in apartments, a house meant a tall building where many families lived together. Sharing the playground, parking lot, and garbage disposal area. The word “sharing” was ingrained in the child’s mind. Moreover, his upbringing had been quite strict, with stern lessons following any instance of running around the house.

Thus, the question was born out of caution, in case there were other families present. The ten-year-old’s thoughts had a way of branching out in unexpected directions.

To the active Taeun, a house was an undeniably attractive space. His greeting, initially “Hello, I’m Lee Taeun from class 3-6 of Ingok Elementary School,” soon evolved into “I’m here again,” and then to “Can I sleep over again tonight?” It didn’t take long.

The palace-like house was bustling for several years thanks to the youngest son’s guest, and then one day, it became eerily quiet. The source of the noise had vanished. The busy head of the household would come and go like a visitor to a resting place, and the grown children began to live on their own, leaving only a woman with deep wrinkles. Despite this natural change, she occasionally felt a pang of loneliness.

However, tonight, the usually quiet house was unusually boisterous.

The black sky, from which the twilight had retreated, held a half-moon at the beginning of a clear night. At the edge of the yard, where the yellow outdoor light ripened the green grass, loud voices collided against the large window that framed the spacious living room. The situation inside could be summarized in one word.

“Yes! Go-Stop! Go-Stop. Go-Stop. Go-Stop.”

No take-backs.

A full-blown gambling den had unfolded.

“First Go-Stop, you know the drill. 700 won each, please.”

This was the eleventh round of Go-Stop, which had started at 100 won per point. Luck was once again on Taeun’s side, as he rode a winning streak. He shrugged his shoulders and demanded payment in a mock-serious voice.

“You little bastard, why are you so lucky? Are you cheating?”

Taeun’s mother, Mrs. Kim Jeonghui, who was on a losing streak, finally burst out in frustration. The gesture of throwing three coins between her son’s legs was quite fierce. Taeun quickly picked up the coins like a pigeon chasing breadcrumbs. He seemed delighted, no matter what he heard.

“Taeun definitely has a talent, he does.”

“What talent? That kind of talent…?”

Mrs. An Yunsun, Jinhyun’s mother, who had been playing the game with a consistently gentle demeanor, praised Taeun with sparkling eyes, as if watching a child prodigy. Mrs. Kim Jeonghui ruffled the ends of her hair with a troubled expression. Her son, displaying all the qualities of a gambler, was not to her liking.

And there was another person who wasn’t particularly pleased with this situation….

“When is this going to end?”

It was Jinhyun, watching from behind them.

“Why, son? Do you want to join?”

“No, I’m thinking of calling the police.”

“Oh, you’re joking.”

Jinhyun, whose perfect sincerity was dismissed as a joke, took a sip of his small can of beer. Taeun, with his back to Jinhyun, was busy flipping cards, oblivious to what was happening behind him. Jinhyun lowered the can and checked his wristwatch. At this rate, he would lose his hard-won opportunity for a private conversation to pieces of playing cards.

How did this happen? The flow had been so natural that it was difficult to pinpoint a specific reason. Jinhyun reflected on the past few hours.

By the time they arrived at the house, the sun was setting, coinciding perfectly with dinner time. The three of them entered the house to a warm welcome, put down their belongings, and immediately sat down at the dining table. The meal, with the two women exchanging boisterous greetings and the sons unusually quiet, appeared outwardly harmonious. There was a strange staring contest, one side avoiding and the other pursuing, but that was all.

As soon as the meal ended, bottles of alcohol appeared on the table, and shortly after, the drinking party moved to the living room, where a blanket was spread out in the middle. Then, red cards emerged from the small table under the TV.

The two women, skillfully shuffling the cards, persuaded their sons to join them, saying, “It’s more fun with three people.” Jinhyun refused, but Taeun, though shy, scooted his bottom onto a spot, marking the beginning of the game.

Jinhyun, who had been looking for a chance to escape with Taeun, was momentarily annoyed by the sudden gambling den, but decided to let it be.

Lee Taeun was a man born with a penchant for alcohol and games. Considering the not-so-great afternoon, Jinhyun had judged that it wouldn’t be bad to wait for Taeun’s mood to warm up, like a preheating, rather than immediately initiating a conversation.

Thus, Jinhyun sat on the sofa and began his tedious observation. He figured it would end after a few rounds and planned to wait patiently, but….

“Ah, Go-Stop…!”

“Good catch. Go big, really big.”

“…Just kidding!”

Somehow, the game showed no signs of ending.

Lee Taeun showed his cards and grinned mischievously. He had started by borrowing money from his mother, lacking cash, but he quickly repaid his debt and was now raking in the money. His pants pockets, stuffed with bills and coins, bulged like tumors, flaunting his greedy presence.

“7, 8, 9… 12 points. Go-Stop! Go-Stop again!”

Taeun hummed like a father searching for his socks.

“Go? Or Stop?”

Mrs. Kim Jeonghui, burdened with a “Pi-bak” and a “Gwang-bak,” asked in a disgruntled tone. Having not won a single round, she seemed quite irritated. Taeun glanced over the board.

“Mom, want me to let you live?”

“Do whatever you want, kid.”

“Are you sulking?”

The lady didn’t answer, only glared. After some thought, Taeun flung down his cards.

“Okay, Stop, Stop. I’ll let you off the hook.”

Taeun’s hands were busy as he meticulously calculated the score and pocketed 1,200 won. His mother, watching this, grabbed a glass to quell her frustration. But the glass felt too light. She picked up the bottle of alcohol, and it too was light. Another bottle, same story. Clicking her tongue, she nudged her son’s backside with her foot as he was busy counting his money like a newly rich man.

“Lee Taeun, stop playing Go-Stop and run an errand for me.”

Taeun, who had just folded 2,400 won and tucked it away, turned his head. Empty beer bottles were dangling from his mother’s hand.

“You want more?”

“This isn’t even scratching the surface.”

Taeun, figuring they had been sitting for quite a while, nodded and stood up. It seemed his winning streak was coming to an end.

“What do you need?”

“Just buy more of that, over there.”

She pointed at the empty alcohol bottles scattered in the corner and handed him a card. Jinhyun’s mother also stood up and walked to the kitchen. “Should I fry up some dumplings?” she asked, suggesting that round three was about to begin.

“Buy some snacks for you guys too.”

“What about us….”

The referent of “you guys” was clear. Taeun barely managed to stop his eyes from rolling back.

His original plan had been to drag out the Go-Stop game as long as possible, and once everyone went to their rooms, quickly shower and fall asleep. He had his eye on the living room sofa as his bed. Whenever he visited, he always slept in Jinhyun’s room, but the situation was quite different now. He couldn’t just sprawl out in that room and sleep, and asking for another room was daunting due to the potential barrage of questions. To avoid looking suspicious, he had to stay awake the latest and wake up the earliest.

Winning round after round, he lost control of his excitement and went on a rampage, incurring his mother’s wrath, which was unexpected. But his plan hadn’t been completely derailed. After returning, he could just stick around the kitchen, have another drink with the mothers, and it would be fine.

Taeun grabbed the card, said “I’ll be back,” and slipped on his sneakers. The weight of the coins jingling in his waistband brought a slight smile to his face. I’ll buy myself some ice cream on the way, he thought, quite excited by the alcohol he’d consumed and the trivial thought, as he opened the front door and stepped out.

The air was quite chilly. It was spring, but the nights were still cold. Taeun, wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt, instinctively wrapped his hands around his biceps. Just as he stepped out, thinking he’d be back quickly, a dark piece of clothing landed softly on his shoulders. Surprised, Taeun turned around to see Jinhyun just exiting the front door.

“Wha, what?”

Ugh, why do I stutter like an idiot when I’m flustered? Taeun swallowed the pointless question.

“Let’s go together.”

“It’s not that far…. I can go alone.”

Replying, Taeun held the clothing and briefly debated whether to wear it or not, but then thought,

‘Don’t overdo it.’

And slowly slipped his arms through. It was quite warm with an extra layer. The perfect temperature to walk while eating ice cream, he thought. Zipping it all the way up to his neck, Taeun put his hands in his pockets. Due to their slight difference in build, the clothes felt loose.

A familiar scent filled his nostrils. A cool, yet soft scent. Sometimes there was a smell of cigarettes, but not now. His heart, which usually pounded like a dog recognizing its owner at similar scents, was relatively calm.

“I can’t let a guest go alone, I’ll come with you.”

A guest? Taeun almost burst out laughing.

He confirmed once again that the sense of dissonance he’d felt all day wasn’t a delusion. It was suspicious that the guy who would usually brush him off as bothersome was now deliberately tagging along. Taeun simply stared, and in the intentional silence, Jinhyun took a deep breath, as if suppressing a sigh.

“…Let’s go together, please.”

“…”

“Let’s go together. Okay?”

Since persuasion didn’t work, it was now a threat. There was no courtesy in the casual honorifics, but that was Cha Jinhyun.

“Fine, whatever.”

Taeun shrugged and turned around. It was better to give in than to stubbornly resist and hear something strange.

Although neither of them spoke, they naturally chose the shortcut. Due to the nature of the residential area, there were few shops nearby. However, it wasn’t completely detached from commercial areas, as crossing the Tancheon River right in front led to numerous convenience stores and apartment buildings. The proper way was to cross the bridge built over the Tancheon, but since it was a long detour, they always went down the walking path and crossed the stepping stones.

Arriving at the convenience store, Taeun picked up a basket and filled it with a mix of beer and soju. He figured he could skip the snacks since they hadn’t specifically asked for any. It’s better to grab plenty since I don’t want to come back out, Taeun thought as his basket quickly filled. Just as he closed the refrigerator door and turned towards the checkout counter….

Jinhyun, also carrying a basket, opened the refrigerator door Taeun had just closed and began sweeping up the alcohol.

“Hey, I already got it all. You don’t need to grab any more.”

Taeun, baffled by this strange behavior, stopped him.

“Go pay.”

Jinhyun only glanced at him and continued grabbing bottles. Are you deaf again? Taeun stood there dumbfounded, unable to comprehend, and Jinhyun chuckled, gesturing towards Taeun’s basket.

“That’s for the ladies.”

He then lightly shook the basket in his own hand and said,

“This is ours.”

He added casually,

“Let’s have a drink.”

The casually added words didn’t sound like a joke. Did we agree to drink together? Taeun didn’t remember making such a promise. Of course not, Taeun rarely wanted to drink alone with him. He had almost no good memories associated with alcohol and Cha Jinhyun.

“…You and me?”

Cha Jinhyun must know that too. Taeun asked pointlessly, as if he’d misheard.

“Yeah.”

“…Just the two of us?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to drink?”

“Yeah, just the two of us. Together.”

The consistent replies were remarkably straightforward and clear. The time given to find a suitable response was too short.

“Don’t you want to?”

Jinhyun asked, looking straight ahead.

“I want to drink, with you.”

He murmured and gently rubbed the wet surface of his beer can with his finger. His eyes slowly turned towards Taeun. Their gazes naturally met, and Taeun, struck by a strange sense of déjà vu, involuntarily froze.

Strange words, strange eyes. He wanted to run away. On the other hand, he also wanted to ask why he was acting this way. Suppressing the urge, Taeun forced a smile.

“You’re a terrible drinker.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“Even if you try your best, against me….”

“I’ll try really hard.”

“No, even if you try really, really hard, against me….”

The meaningless bickering continued rapidly. Jinhyun’s stubbornness, cutting him off every time he spoke, seemed unshakeable.

“I’ll pace myself to your speed.”

“No.”

“It won’t be long, if I pace myself to you, I’ll pass out right away.”

“…”

That’s true, but…. Taeun bit the hangnail on his lip, struggling to find the right words.

“…Don’t say no.”

Until a moment ago, it had been more of a request, but realizing it wasn’t working, he changed his approach. Now he was almost whining.

“It’ll… really hurt my feelings if you do.”

With those words, Jinhyun carelessly tossed the beer can into the basket.

It’s the defender who loses out in a fight. Pushing relentlessly always leads to a misstep eventually. Taeun, having missed the timing to cut it off, had completely misstepped. He couldn’t find a justifiable reason to refuse.

Oh, there was one. I liked you, so this is uncomfortable. Something like that. But Cha Jinhyun already knew that, so there was no point in saying it. So, that bastard was doing this knowingly. Knowingly….

Why? Why?

‘…Asshole.’

Preventing the curse that came to mind along with the question was beyond his ability. Taeun took a step back.

“You said you’d pace yourself to me.”

He chose the easier path than continuing the argument. It wouldn’t be that difficult to get Cha Jinhyun drunk.

“Grab a lot. I’m going to drink a ton.”

Taeun said curtly and walked towards the checkout without hesitation. The short breaths he heard behind him sounded like laughter, but also not. It didn’t matter.

🔥

The reluctantly started drinking session took place at a table situated on one side of the yard. The late night, nearing midnight, was dark and quiet. However, the surrounding yellow outdoor lights and moonlight provided enough illumination to distinguish the surroundings, adding a touch of atmosphere. They had come outside to avoid being confined in a closed space for drinks, but this wasn’t so bad.

Taeun lifted his chin and inhaled. The thick scent of flowers mixed with the night air and filled his lungs. An acacia tree, its branches reaching over the wall from outside, spread above them like a cloud.

“Here.”

Taeun pushed the alcohol-filled glass forward like a dutiful bartender. From the moment he sat in the wooden chair, he had been continuously pouring, drinking, and pouring for Jinhyun. His actions had a clear purpose and were correspondingly relentless.

“…I just had one.”

Jinhyun, who had been readily accepting and drinking, made a weak protest after only four glasses. Taeun, who had warned him to pace himself, had started downing shots one after another, so Jinhyun’s complaint was less a whine and more an attempt to stop a runaway vehicle.

“You said you’d pace yourself to me.”

But Taeun didn’t let up and flicked the glass with his finger like a flick of the wrist. Jinhyun’s Adam’s apple bobbed noticeably. This hesitation was exactly what Taeun had hoped for. It would be perfect if he could get him to surrender here.

“Then… let’s take a break.”

“No such thing.”

So Taeun, as if waiting for this moment, swiftly reached out.

“If you don’t want to, then stop, I’ll drink it, just give me the…”

“I don’t not want to, give it here.”

Before he could snatch it, the glass was sucked into Jinhyun’s grasp. Jinhyun held the alcohol in his mouth like a child taking powdered medicine. His face, filled with an unavoidable grimace, contorted. While he swallowed the accumulated alcohol in several gulps, Taeun poured the drink down his own throat as if shoving it in, watching him.

Even a slug downing soju and beer would be faster than that, he thought. The end was in sight. As soon as the agonizing wait was over, Taeun urged him for the glass. Jinhyun laughed incredulously, as if his lungs were filled with air.

“Are you really trying to kill me?”

“You said you wanted to drink.”

“I said let’s drink, I didn’t say let’s have a drinking duel.”

“I don’t know, this is what happens when you ask me to drink.”

“…Oh, man.”

Taeun rebuked him with a sharp warning and once again poured soju generously into the glass, then added beer as a garnish.

You’re going to die at this rate. Stop drinking and let’s go inside. His slow movements were filled with unspoken pressure. Taeun, hardening his expression to create a sense of fear, grinned like a mad scientist as he stirred the yellowish liquid with a wooden chopstick. All his actions were slow and blatant, but Jinhyun took the glass without flinching. His stubbornness was equally formidable.

Jinhyun, as if asking him to match him, shook the glass provocatively. The clinking of glass produced a sharp noise.

Like acting first and thinking later, Jinhyun was now enduring the alcohol by first forcing it into his mouth and then figuring out how to deal with it. The subtle twitching of his thick eyebrows was clearly visible to Taeun. His appearance, as if forcing himself to do something unpleasant, was quite unfamiliar. It wasn’t a sight Taeun particularly wanted to see twice.

Feeling his resolve weakening, Taeun shoved a handful of snacks into his mouth and looked away. The crunching sound of the crispy snacks was somehow unnerving.

‘Damn it, why is he like this…?’

He couldn’t understand the purpose of his indomitable stubbornness. Nor did he want to. He wiped his palms on his pants and quickly grabbed the alcohol bottle. Jinhyun obediently handed over his glass.

“Hey, I’m not going to back down, so let’s talk. I’m… about to die.”

A low voice followed. He could tell right away that he wasn’t joking.

“I feel like I’m going to die without even leaving a last will and testament.”

His heavy breaths, audible even from a distance, sounded as labored as someone climbing a mountain. Even though he had no intention of letting up, Taeun hesitated.

Going back and forth like crazy is easy. For Taeun, this kind of drinking session was possible with anyone, and it wasn’t as if it was excruciatingly difficult just because it was with Cha Jinhyun. However, drinking inevitably comes with its own set of consequences. A sudden burst of honesty, regret for the past, the urge to lash out in a momentary surge of emotion. Taeun feared and dreaded this.

So his plan was to end it before the conversation even started. All he had to do was keep putting the glass to his mouth. Drink, refill, buy more when it runs out, and continue until he loses consciousness….

“Can I smoke?”

Jinhyun asked, rummaging through his pockets, while Taeun held the alcohol bottle in both hands and nibbled on the inside of his cheek. That was strange.

“…Why are you looking at me for permission?”

“Am I?”

Jinhyun, who had pulled out a cigarette pack, laughed as if he was bewildered, and Taeun felt a bit embarrassed. Jinhyun, with a contemplative expression, idly spun the lighter wheel.

“You’re right, I did.”

“…”

“Can I smoke?”

“No, well, since when have you ever cared about my…”

…opinion?

Taeun’s voice, which had burst out in a fit of pique, gradually trailed off. He felt that if he continued speaking his mind, he might say things he shouldn’t, so he quietly shut his mouth and nodded vaguely.

Jinhyun, who had been waiting for permission, finally opened the top of the paper box. He didn’t light it right away, but instead gestured with his chin. Want one? he offered, and Taeun shook his head. Jinhyun, without a word, put the long stick in his mouth and lit it.

His cheeks hollowed as he took a deep drag. Then, a puff of grayish smoke dispersed. Jinhyun brought his foot up onto the chair, bending his knee. He stretched his arm across his raised knee and buried his head between his legs, exhaling hot breath. His slightly exposed earlobe and straight neck were flushed, even in the darkness.

“Ah, I’m… dying…”

Even the short cough and the muttered words to himself conveyed a sense of struggle. Despite this, he reached for his glass. Taeun, watching his hand waving in the air, didn’t hand over the glass and instead curved his lips into a frown.

The wind blew. Fragrant leaves and petals rained down from the tree that spread above them like an umbrella. Taeun caught a white petal floating in the air. He sighed. It felt like taking a step back just a few steps away from the finish line. He placed the petal on Jinhyun’s drink and touched his still-wandering large hand with it.

His drooping head slowly lifted and stared blankly at his glass. His questioning gaze then turned to Taeun.

“…”

“…”

An uncomfortable silence settled in as the wind died down. Jinhyun grasped the glass and looked down again, staring blankly at the petal. His expression was unreadable. Taeun had to gauge whether his subtle deterrent had been properly conveyed. He might think I put trash in his drink….

“Don’t you know the story of Wang Geon?”

That was also unfair. The small petal was a form of concern. He couldn’t tell him to drink slowly after what he had said, and he used a little trickery to avoid mutual embarrassment.

Jinhyun just chewed on his cigarette filter. He deliberately didn’t answer, waiting for Taeun to continue. Contrary to Taeun’s worries, he had perfectly grasped the meaning of the petal. That’s why he was somewhat dumbfounded, and his lips wouldn’t part as if they were glued shut. He felt like a sinner who had received a pardon. No, it was more poignant than that.

“Wang Geon asked for water…”

“Yeah.”

Despite the indescribable feeling, one thing was certain. He wanted to kiss those hesitantly chattering lips.

“He asked for water, and a woman… No, we learned from the same textbook, why don’t you know this?”

“I guess I forgot everything because I’m an idiot. What did the woman do?”

Then, Taeun suddenly came to his senses. What am I talking about? he wondered. I was going to get you drunk and go inside quickly, but now that you’re drunk, I’m worried, so I can’t, and I’m too embarrassed to say that, so I tried to come up with something clever… isn’t that what I’m doing?

“…I forgot too, because I’m an idiot.”

He wrapped it up awkwardly and gulped down his drink. Having expressed the maximum amount of concern he could, Taeun arbitrarily unburdened himself. Following him, Jinhyun only touched his lips to the glass like a cat dipping its paw in water and put it back down. Somehow, Taeun’s intention had been fulfilled.

But it was a bit late. Jinhyun, who had been drinking like crazy and then lit a cigarette, shook his numb head slightly, trying to regain his focus. He wasn’t about to lose consciousness, but he definitely felt the effects of the alcohol. His brain felt like it had been soaked in a vat of alcohol and turned mushy. The sensation, which would normally be unwelcome, felt pleasant today. He couldn’t help but feel pleased, having received that rather cute glass of alcohol thanks to this pain. Jinhyun chuckled softly. Taeun, watching him shake his head and then suddenly laugh darkly, opened his mouth hesitantly.

“Why did you want to drink?”

Taeun felt a little strange asking about his intentions. It felt like their roles had been reversed. It was always him who sought the purpose or reason for actions, while Taeun’s means were often the ends themselves.

“If you don’t have anything to say… let’s wrap this up.”

“Does there have to be a reason?”

So, it’s doubly strange to hear such words from Cha Jinhyun’s mouth. Taeun unconsciously pursed his lips at this uncomfortable gap.

There has to be a reason, you have to at least pretend there is one. The time you allowed was too short for me to be okay with sharing drinks without any pretense. The tangled thoughts that surfaced were complex.

“…”

“…No.”

Jinhyun reacted a beat late, noticing the slight stiffness in Taeun’s expression.

Jinhyun racked his alcohol-addled brain, which refused to function properly, and reviewed his tone. Was I being rude? The thoughts that branched out with careful consideration ended up missing the mark. Because of the alcohol, his thoughts skipped like stones on water.

“No, I wasn’t trying to pick a fight… Shit.”

He meant that there was a reason he wanted to drink, and there wasn’t. He had a lot he wanted to know and ask, but even if there wasn’t a reason, he would have begged and pleaded to make this happen. The unspoken feelings he couldn’t express were frustrating, and a curse slipped out. He immediately regretted it. My mouth… My damn mouth. Those words echoed in his head like a reprimand.

“So… wait, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Do you understand?”

First, he clarified that he didn’t mean it negatively. Taeun’s expression hardened, even contorted. Jinhyun suddenly became anxious.

“…Want to hit me?”

Taeun, suddenly offered violence, involuntarily recoiled.

“What?”

“Ah, my words… aren’t coming out right, it’s hard to explain. Just hit me if you’re upset.”

“…”

He wasn’t exactly happy, but he wasn’t angry enough to throw a punch. He remained silent and listened simply because he was fascinated by Cha Jinhyun, who seemed quite drunk. He usually either stopped right before getting drunk or went over the limit and lost consciousness. This in-between state was a first.

“Just… how are you doing?”

“…”

“…Is that wrong too?”

He didn’t understand what he was saying. Taeun again remained silent and just listened. Jinhyun brushed the hair away from his eyelids and tapped the short cigarette butt. His lips were those of a drunkard, but his movements were relatively normal.

“I’m not trying to tease you… I’m genuinely asking, are there any problems in your life… that’s what I mean.”

He rambled like he was chanting a spell, putting out the short butt on a rolling soju cap. His desperate justifications indicated that he was indeed drunk. Yes, he’s drunk…. It was a cruel question that he didn’t want to answer readily, even if he endured this. This is what it feels like to be asked how you’re doing by someone who broke your heart. Taeun thought. Was there a more useless question?

“Just, you know, so-so.”

“…”

He couldn’t say he wasn’t. His seat became a little more uncomfortable. Unaware of this, Jinhyun, seemingly relieved by the short reply, added another question.

“Why did you start working part-time?”

“To earn money.”

Taeun answered curtly. He knew that wasn’t what Jinhyun was asking, yet he gave the obvious answer. They could exchange a few more words and then wrap it up and go inside. No matter what Jinhyun said, he planned to respond vaguely like this.

“Is that bastard making you pay rent?”

“Ah, well…”

But the following question made him speechless. Jinhyun seemed to interpret the momentary silence in a certain way, as he gasped and met Taeun’s eyes.

“He’s making you pay?”

He seemed angry for some reason.

“Why are you getting mad?”

“…How much are you paying? Are you getting ripped off again, giving him everything he asks for…?”

“I’m not paying. He doesn’t accept it… so.”

“…”

The rapid-fire words abruptly ceased. Jinhyun grumbled for a long time, seemingly displeased about something. His muttering, flowing at an unintelligible decibel, continued for a while before stopping with, “…Such a creepy bastard….”

Faced with such undisguised hostility, Taeun debated whether he should point out the disrespectful remark or just let it go. Seo Jaeoh was, after all, a good person to him. He wasn’t happy to hear him being cursed at. Moreover, he disliked the illogical thoughts that kept popping into his head. Taeun’s lips parted unconsciously.

“You’re….”

Why, always, me?

Startled by his own leaked voice, Taeun quickly took a swig of his drink. This is why alcohol is scary. He was glad he caught himself before saying something stupid. Having been drinking steadily, Taeun wasn’t completely sober either. A reddish hue colored his pale cheeks.

“What about me?”

Jinhyun asked, picking up on the unfinished sentence. Taeun wanted to change the subject. What could he talk about? he quickly pondered. He needed a natural, friendly topic.

“…Did you do well on the exam?”

It was a forced transition, like flipping through a chunk of pages at once, but there was no other way. Fortunately, Jinhyun didn’t dwell on the awkwardness. He just stroked his chin as if pondering what to say to the belated greeting.

“No, I bombed it.”

It was a simple answer, considering how long he seemed to have thought about it. Taeun’s eyes widened. Knowing his consistently high GPA, he found it hard to believe. Jinhyun was someone who often ranked first.

“You?”

“Yeah, I think I completely failed.”

“…You?”

“Want me to tell you more?”

Judging by his casual tone, he sounded like he was about to recount a heroic tale. Unable to affirm or deny, Taeun sipped his drink.

“I didn’t even attend classes last week, and I just wrote bullshit on my report and submitted it…. Oh, and I turned that in late too. The professor wants to see me. On Monday.”

Jinhyun calmly listed his perfectly ruined academic performance and then chuckled, resting his forehead on the back of his hand. It was too cheerful to be self-deprecating, yet too dry to be joyful. The sound rang hollowly.

“…You think that’s funny?”

“It’s so messed up I can’t even get mad.”

“…”

“If I’d messed up moderately, I’d be angry… but it’s not even that.”

He couldn’t ask why. He didn’t want to search for the hidden “why” in his statement that he couldn’t even get mad. Taeun remained silent, feeling foolish for sensing something else lurking behind his self-deprecation. Silence again. The topic he had barely managed to change ended unsatisfactorily.

“…”

He didn’t want this anymore. Checking the empty alcohol bottles, Taeun poured the remaining alcohol into his mouth in one gulp.

“Hey, Cha Jinhyun. Get up.”

His voice was colder than he intended. It wasn’t important. He needed to go inside.

“You’re… being so cold again.”

“You always call me Lee Taeun.”

Taeun replied flatly, tidying up the messy table without looking at Jinhyun. That’s just drunken rambling. There’s no hidden “why,” and if he senses any hidden meaning, it’s all an illusion. He repeated it to himself.

“…Should I call you Taeun?”

“…”

So, it’s just meaningless bullshit. Don’t read into it.

Taeun’s busy hands stopped abruptly. His lowered head lifted involuntarily, staring at the person across from him. He felt the muscles in his face slowly harden.

“Is it that serious?”

“…I said get up, let’s go inside.”

“Other bastards call me that, why can’t I?”

“…”

He had heard similar words before. A dark, silent beach suddenly flooded Taeun’s muddled mind. A faint wave accompanied by a sharp, biting voice.

‘All the bastards around you are your friends, but I can’t be?’

It was the voice of the drunkard in front of him. This wasn’t good. He forcibly pushed away the lingering afterimage of the memory and moved his hands again. Even as the remaining snacks scattered and a half-empty beer bottle tipped over, Taeun didn’t stop moving.

“You’re really… drunk. Stop talking nonsense and get up.”

He managed to speak calmly. Jinhyun tilted his head and stared straight at him.

“I’m not drunk.”

He didn’t need to respond to everything Jinhyun babbled about. Taeun ignored him as if he hadn’t heard and continued cleaning up the messy table. Jinhyun watched him with quiet, sunken eyes, then suddenly reached out. A warm hand gently wrapped around Taeun’s wrist and pulled.

“What?”

There was no time to process the surprise. Jinhyun started folding Taeun’s awkwardly bent fingers, one by one, from the tips.

“Five, four, three, two….”

A low voice slowly counted the remaining numbers, scratching its way up from his throat. Taeun, inhaling sharply, watched helplessly as his fingers folded, unable to exhale. What is this? His mind went blank, like a sudden power outage due to this bizarre act.

“…One, done.”

The last thumb folded.

“See? I counted them all, I’m not drunk.”

Jinhyun, without releasing his hand, carefully wrapped Taeun’s naturally formed fist. The large, firm, broad skin was noticeably warm. Taeun’s clenched fist, completely enveloped, was hidden from view. Taeun’s shoulders, arms, and fingertips trembled slightly. As the tremor, which started like an aftershock, grew in amplitude, Taeun yanked his hand away and stood up abruptly.

“Fuck, if you’re going to get drunk, get drunk properly.”

The chair scraped against the ground as it was pushed back. Taeun’s chest heaved as he finally caught his breath. The lingering warmth on his skin fueled the suppressed anger.

“Are you crazy?”

He wanted to scratch his hand frantically. He shouted at himself, as if berating the part of him that hadn’t wanted to let go for a moment.

“Why are you doing this? Why the hell are you suddenly acting strange and saying weird….”

Why shake me when I’m holding on fine? Did you find it amusing and enjoyable to watch me anxiously chase after you, so now you’re disappointed it’s over? I don’t want your lukewarm interest or charity-like affection.

“You’re right, I’m being strange.”

“…”

“I don’t want to be, but I can’t help it.”

The simple admission, on the contrary, left him speechless. Taeun clutched at his clothes.

“I’ve been racking my brain too….”

“Hey.”

“I tried. I also… know, what’s right, what I should do, I know it damn well….”

“Stop talking.”

“I don’t want to.”

“…”

“I’m a little scared. That I’ll keep doing this.”

Taeun, who had been urging him to stop, stopped himself as well. He felt like he was getting sucked in the more he spoke. The eerie, strange silence was louder than ever. His mind, soaked in cold alcohol and warm touch, refused to think. He let it be. Taeun remained still, every cell frozen, just still. He didn’t want to think, nor did he want to try anything. He was okay with time passing like this until dawn. His nerves were on edge, like a landmine about to explode at the slightest touch.

“Do you hate me now?”

Therefore, those words were the trigger.

It’s okay, let’s wrap this up and go inside, it’s all drunken nonsense…. His carefully composed mind crumbled in an instant. A hollow laugh escaped his lips uncontrollably.

“Why, are you disappointed?”

“…”

“I should be grateful for your attention, but I don’t need it anymore?”

“…”

“Tell me, why are you acting like this? No… no, don’t tell me. I think I know.”

It felt like the taut string he had been barely holding onto snapped.

“You’re disappointed you can’t see me making a fool of myself anymore. I understand.”

“Lee Taeun.”

“I used to get all excited whenever you said anything, and if we kissed a little, I’d get carried away and jump ahead, and if you acted up, I’d cry, right? But then I’d grin like an idiot if you were just a little nice to me… It must have been fun to watch. Yeah, I think it was fun.”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“Then why did you say that shit to me?”

One of the situations he’d been trying to avoid had finally happened. He was lashing out, caught up in a whirlwind of emotions. Jinhyun opened his mouth as if to offer an excuse, but Taeun didn’t give him a moment. He shot back, his breath hitching.

“Hey, I asked you. I don’t want to have these kinds of conversations with you anymore.”

“…”

“Are you just going to ignore everything I say? What do I have to do for you to listen?”

His chilling voice, devoid of moisture, sounded like a sob. Taeun felt momentarily dizzy and covered his mouth with both hands, trying to regain his balance. Nausea welled up. The familiar scent emanating from the clothes he was wearing suddenly felt repulsive. As he stood still, catching his breath, Jinhyun, looking startled, stood in front of Taeun.

“Let’s sit down and talk, you’ve had a lot to drink too.”

“I want to go inside.”

“Just sit down…”

“I want to go inside….”

Taeun shook his head like someone drained of energy.

Knowing he should let him go, Jinhyun couldn’t bring himself to move and grasped the edge of Taeun’s sleeve. He couldn’t let him go yet. He still had something to ask.

“Just answer one thing.”

“…”

“I won’t bother you anymore. I promise.”

Jinhyun recklessly used the word “promise.” He was half sincere. Taeun slowly raised his head and looked at him, as if to say, “Go ahead.” His tightly pressed lips parted with difficulty.

“If, like you said… if we don’t have these kinds of conversations, can we still see each other?”

Taeun, who had intended to answer yes, that’s right, to any question and leave, couldn’t bring himself to speak. A silence that felt like it would never end, like the vacuum of space, pressed down on them. The silence itself became the answer. Neither of them was unaware of this. Jinhyun asked again, as if he didn’t know.

“If we do that, will you come back again?”

“…”

At the end of the long silence, Taeun’s head slowly bobbed up and down. Jinhyun smiled faintly, watching the soft swaying of his hair. He couldn’t help but smile.

It was him who had jokingly advised him to do that.

“…Yeah.”

A lie.

“Yeah….”

His hand, which had barely been holding onto the fabric without gripping it, fell like rain. Jinhyun slumped his shoulders and backed away, sitting down on the chair.

Freed from the grip that hadn’t exerted even the slightest pressure, Taeun took a couple of steps back and rubbed his face. He had been holding back all this time because he didn’t want this kind of friction. He tried not to overthink any of Jinhyun’s words or actions, tried not to attach meaning to them. Even animals learn from repeated situations. Taeun had built up expectations and gotten hurt each time. He didn’t want to be less than an animal. Calming his churning stomach, Taeun spoke in a low voice.

“…Keep your promise.”

Cha Jinhyun rested his chin on his hand and shook his glass without saying a word. His gaze was fixed on the disintegrating petal. He put down the glass and said calmly,

“Go inside first, it’s getting cold.”

His voice was casual, as if everything that had just happened was a dream. This must be his answer. Taeun picked up his phone from the table. Then, he asked perfunctorily,

“What about you?”

“I’ll have one more cigarette.”

Jinhyun gestured towards the cigarettes with his chin. Taeun swept the trash into the plastic bag haphazardly.

“Sorry for getting angry.”

He apologized habitually and turned around.

“…”

Jinhyun couldn’t answer. He just quietly watched Taeun’s retreating back.

The familiar figure in the familiar landscape gradually receded, shrinking and growing with each step. Young you, a little younger you, and you now. For some reason, they all had their backs to him, and he felt a pang of sadness, his throat tightening. He should have said he had something to do, he shouldn’t have come home. He didn’t want to make a promise he couldn’t keep, at least not here.

Was the alcohol he’d consumed a collection of forgotten memories? The trivial promises they had made to each other shimmered like a mirage. A deep sadness welled up, the muscles under his eyes twitching and trembling. His vision blurred for some reason. He lowered his head, overwhelmed by the voices echoing in his ears. A small drop of water fell to the ground, disappearing into the darkness without a trace.

‘Let’s go to school together tomorrow.’

‘Can you wake me up in the morning?’

‘If we’re in the same class, let’s be partners. Promise, please. Please. Please….’

All that remained were empty chairs and torn petals, the branches of the tree rustling in the wind. The sound of the leaves rubbing against each other resembled the laughter that had filled this place.

What did I say?

‘Jinhyun.’

Yeah, okay, I got it, did I say that?

‘I like you.’

“…”

I should have said the same.

I should have tried. I should have done that. Even if it was late or postponed, it’s like the unkept promises never existed.

He knew it was too late, but he wanted to say it. Even if they said he was selfish to the end, he wanted to say it. The reason he had desperately held back was to see him, and now it had become a useless excuse. If the path he had believed to be eternal was ending like this, he wanted to believe in a precarious love, even if it was dangerous. Stringing together the moments you were there, maybe we could have been eternal. In the form of the love he had so despised.

Jinhyun, stubbornly watching the wide yard where Taeun’s figure had disappeared, picked up the last glass. He downed the liquid in which the torn petal floated. Chewing on the friendship he had cherished so dearly, and embracing the traces of the longing that had become so desperate.

🔥

Click, the doorknob turned.

Jinhyun carefully, yet casually, stepped inside. In the dark living room, as dark as the night outside, the digital clock on the shelf emitted a faint blue light. The colon blinked between 1 and 32, marking the passage of time. He took off his shoes and entered the silent house where everyone was asleep.

After Taeun left, Jinhyun, left alone, suddenly stood up. He moved as his feet led him. He went down the Tancheon walking path, crossed the stepping stones, and walked through the apartment complex that came into view. Arriving at the shabby playground in front of building 107, not far from the main gate, he sat on the old swing and kicked at the dirt floor.

He mindlessly dug at the ground with his foot and covered it back up, repeating the action. As if burying something, yet excavating it. A silence, too paltry to be called contemplation, passed by.

He stared at the 12th floor of building 107 for a long time, then stood up as the light in the window went out.

The way back was lined with familiar shops. Only a few shops had their signs lit, and one of them caught his eye. It was the PC bang he used to frequent until high school. Wandering the deserted streets, he recalled the first day he went there. A memory from his very early childhood.

‘Why don’t you go to the PC bang?’

It all started with those words from Lee Taeun after school.

It was a time when riding bicycles in a pack was the norm. He was probably the only one who hadn’t graduated from training wheels. Jinhyun, embarrassed by his noisy bicycle, didn’t join the others. He was at an age where such things were embarrassing.

His busy parents didn’t have the time to worry about their youngest son’s bicycle, and his much older siblings weren’t interested in him. And Taeun rode around with other friends, their large wheels whirring. Back then, he was anxious about losing his best friend. So, he tried to get on the wobbly bicycle seat by himself several times, but he always ended up falling. Balancing on the large bicycle with his short legs was so difficult back then.

He was too embarrassed to tell the truth, so he kept his mouth shut, but when Taeun asked again, “Don’t you want to go?” he became flustered. That wasn’t it. He wanted to go together. Jinhyun, nibbling on the bandage on his knee, muttered in a small, strained voice,

‘I can’t ride a bike.’

‘Huh?’

‘I can only ride… the one with wheels in the back.’

‘Then just ride that.’

‘….’

He seemed annoyed by the easy solution.

‘It’s embarrassing. I’m not going, you go.’

So, words he didn’t mean popped out. He was a little scared. That Lee Taeun might just say, “Okay, then!” and leave. That would be a real betrayal. He had childish thoughts, appropriate for his age. Instead of leaving, Taeun shook his hands back and forth and hummed.

‘Want to ride on the back of mine?’

‘…No. That’s embarrassing too.’

‘Then shall we walk together?’

‘No, it takes too long.’

I don’t want this, I don’t want that. Despite the frustrating complaints, Taeun pondered without showing any displeasure. They somehow arrived at Taeun’s house like that. Taeun, after saying goodbye and turning around, was still shaking his hands and humming.

And the next day, Lee Taeun showed up with training wheels attached to his bicycle. Making a terribly loud noise.

He remembered Taeun boasting that his dad had attached one wheel, and he had attached the other. That day, the two of them rode around the neighborhood, making a racket. They rode around for so long they didn’t even notice the sun setting. They had to postpone going to the PC bang, but it didn’t matter. After that, for some reason, he wasn’t embarrassed anymore, and soon he was able to remove the fist-sized training wheels. It was Taeun, not his parents or siblings, who removed the label of his childhood.

Jinhyun, standing in the middle of the living room, took a deep breath. His chest stung as if he had swallowed air filled with thorns.

If he had seen that sign a little earlier, would he have been less harsh? A meaningless hypothesis followed. He pushed Taeun away to hold onto him, and hurt him to be with him. The path he had believed to be ideal was full of contradictions. Looking back, he too had been overly emotional. Emotions cause irrational and endless conflicts.

He could now understand the paradox of clinging to an unstable love. It’s a matter of emotion. Just like now.

“Oh my, are you just getting home now?”

A sleepy female voice reached Jinhyun, who was standing there blankly. Jinhyun nodded silently, recognizing his mother emerging from the master bedroom.

“What were you doing out so late by yourself?”

“Just a walk.”

“What’s with the sudden sentimentality…? Want some water?”

His mother didn’t question him further and headed to the kitchen. Jinhyun, declining the offer, glanced at the living room sofa.

“Taeun went upstairs already. You should go up and sleep too.”

His naturally arising curiosity was immediately resolved.

Feigning surprise at the news, Jinhyun looked down and climbed the stairs. There were three rooms upstairs. His room, his sister’s room, which was now used as a storage room, and something resembling a study. The only room that could be called a bedroom was his.

Carrying vague expectations, he carefully stepped onto the last stair and chuckled bitterly at the sight before him. In the space that was a bit too small to be called a living room, Taeun lay curled up on the long sofa, which served more as decoration than anything else. Jinhyun approached quietly, muffling his footsteps.

A pleasant, faint scent tickled his nose, suggesting Taeun had showered. Jinhyun looked down at Taeun, who had changed into comfortable clothes and fallen asleep.

The summer blanket, which he didn’t know where Taeun had found, was draped over Taeun’s body uselessly. The wide-sleeved, short-sleeved t-shirt that covered just above his elbows was what he usually wore comfortably at home. It was large on Taeun, as if he had wrapped a piece of cloth around his upper body. The relatively well-fitting sweatpants were his high school gym uniform.

Taeun wouldn’t have chosen those himself, so he must have received them before showering. Seeing him sleeping soundly in those clothes made him feel inexplicably good. Taeun was asleep with one arm tucked under his head, without a pillow, and the other hand tightly clutching his phone.

…Did he contact someone right before falling asleep? He felt pathetic for having such a thought.

He brought his finger under Taeun’s nose. After checking his deep breaths, he carefully pulled back the blanket. He had drunk quite a bit, and once he fell asleep, he rarely woke up, so it seemed safe. He placed Taeun’s arms on his stomach and slipped his hands under his knees and neck. Then, he slowly lifted him as if a craftsman polishing a jewel. He kept his elbows tucked close to his sides, exerting strength to minimize shaking, and stood up. Reaching his bedroom door, which was a few steps away, he nudged it open with his foot.

His eyes, adjusted to the darkness, easily found the bed. Jinhyun roughly kicked aside the neatly folded blanket and laid Taeun down. Taeun, without waking, stirred as if welcoming the soft bedding and blanket. Jinhyun, settling on the floor next to the bed, carefully removed the phone precariously hanging off the edge of the mattress, like pulling a Jenga piece, and placed it on the nightstand. Then, he turned on the mood light to its lowest setting. Taeun’s face, breathing softly with his mouth slightly open, finally came into clear view.

A defenseless appearance that would disappear with the dawn. A dirty desire suddenly sprung up in Jinhyun’s heart as he gazed at him.

Or rather, it was a question bordering on desire. His fingers twitched as if in anticipation. There was no way to stop his rising hand.

“…”

His fingers traced the straight line of Taeun’s neck beneath his tilted head and carefully grasped the neckline of his loose t-shirt, pulling it down slightly. The wide fabric yielded without resistance. His collarbone and the upper part of his chest were subtly revealed. His white skin was as pure as snow. Relieved to see no marks on his skin, he quickly adjusted Taeun’s shirt.

“Ha…”

Jinhyun sighed, withdrawing his hand.

He wanted to slap himself. Instead of hitting himself, he buried his face in his hands. It was a pathetic and shameful act. Yet he felt relieved. That was also absurd. But he felt relieved.

After wallowing in a sea of self-loathing for a while, Jinhyun slightly lifted his head and looked at Taeun again. He was annoyed at how peacefully Taeun slept, oblivious to the pervert who had just lifted his shirt. His now bolder gaze wandered freely over Taeun’s pale face.

His messy hair revealed his round forehead, making him look younger than usual. His harmless, puppy-like face had a strangely alluring quality. His gaze, which had slowly traced down from his cutely protruding baby hairs, stopped involuntarily at his parted lips. The memory of being toyed with by those lips flashed through his mind. He had considered Taeun’s boldness in initiating kisses without warning a characteristic recklessness, but now he felt differently.

Did you find me lovely too?

Jinhyun was suddenly seized by an urge like a sneeze. Uncontrollable, and arriving in an instant. Something he had to let out, regardless of his will. He gently lowered his upper body. The distance between them closed until their noses almost touched.

“…Forgive me for this much.”

You’ve done it plenty too.

He apologized with a frivolous thought. He slowly tilted his head to the side and leaned in. Their lips touched. A kiss that barely grazed, like clothes brushing against each other, unable to press down on the soft, warm flesh. The sensation of warm breath tickling his skin made his toes curl slightly. He wanted to lick Taeun’s lips with his tongue. He wanted to part his slightly opened lips and enter.

Barely suppressing the insidious urge, he closed his eyes for a moment, feeling as if he had crossed some kind of line.

Then, he thought. About the things that would change. About the things he didn’t have to consider before. He pondered one by one the things he never thought he’d have to consider: the cautious daily life, the potential friction with family, the uncertain future, and the life he had until recently, where he didn’t have to think about any of this.

Well, it seemed like it would be okay.

Even if it was a youthful impulse, a momentary surge of emotion, that’s how he felt now. If he could be allowed the chance to kiss Taeun awake, he felt like he could willingly give up his past life, where no such contemplation was needed.

His eyelashes trembled and fluttered like threads in the wind. Jinhyun slowly straightened up, leaving his longing behind. Taeun was still asleep. He didn’t know what to call this feeling of wanting him to be awake. It felt incredibly lonely to call it love.

“Sorry, I changed my mind.”

He whispered, wondering if Taeun could hear him in his dreams.

“I can’t be friends with you anymore.”

Then, completely abandoning all hesitation, he silently stood up and left the room.

The friendship he had buried in the dirt of the playground sank, broken into pieces. The night passed, with faded treasures scattering in the distant past.