Simmering Heat Chapter 21.1

SNAP.

The sound of a twig snapping echoed before Taeun’s eyes. Deep inside the theater, where not even the tip of a leaf could be found, Taeun, seated, shifted his gaze, following the receding source of the sound. His eyes, as if buried somewhere, slowly drifted back to reality. On the giant screen in front of him, a dazzling advertisement had just begun.

“What are you thinking about so absentmindedly?” Seo Jaeoh asked, snapping his fingers as if in warning, adjusting his leaning posture.

“Nothing, just… What time is it?”

Instead of answering honestly, Taeun changed the subject. Without prying, Seo Jaeoh checked his wrist.

“12:30. Ten minutes until it starts.”

“Oh…”

“Are you tired?”

Taeun quickly shook his head and shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth. It was a way to close his lips without an excuse. 12:30…. As he inwardly repeated the time, his phone vibrated intermittently. A small breath escaped between his teeth, carrying the sweet scent of caramel. Taeun took out the buzzing device and looked at the noisy chat list, carefully scrolling down.

[ㅗ: Happy birthday] 00:00

The midnight message was etched in his eyes.

The first birthday greeting to arrive. He realized the day had passed with this simple message that ignored his request for time. His heart sank at the five words that shielded an excuse he couldn’t even get angry at. Taeun swallowed the popcorn. His mouth felt rough, like he’d chewed a bitter persimmon. It was ridiculous, but he felt guilty, as if he’d been caught cheating by a lover’s call. Taeun thought the reason for this absurd feeling must be because of where he was.

Seo Jaeoh’s wish was truly simple. “Let’s watch a movie” was the entirety of his request.

Despite this, Taeun couldn’t readily agree, his lips opening and closing like a fish out of water. A movie theater, the nuance of the place was undeniably intimate…. Watching Taeun foolishly fidgeting his mouth, Seo Jaeoh added, hitting the nail on the head,

“It’s not a date.”

“…Really?”

“Look at him.”

Seeing Taeun, who was not just guarded, but openly building walls, Seo Jaeoh scoffed and let out a hollow laugh.

“I was going to see it anyway, but I didn’t want to go alone. I can’t make time during the day because of work, so let’s just catch a late-night showing. It’s Friday, so we can rest the next day, right?”

Continuing in a casual tone, he even explained why he’d chosen a movie.

“I thought I’d feel less resentful if I at least watched a movie.”

So Taeun, unable to hesitate any longer, booked the tickets. After midnight on Friday, meaning early Saturday morning. While choosing the date, the suspicion of “Is he doing this on purpose?” briefly crossed his mind, but it quickly subsided. The person sitting next to him showed no signs. It seemed like his only purpose truly was to watch the movie. And why wouldn’t it be? The first congratulatory message didn’t come from the person beside him, but from some guy whose whereabouts he didn’t even know.

Happy birthday.

A simple and monotonous message. Yet, it felt different from previous years. It carried a sincerity different from the texts that used to arrive at any time of day. It was a precise notification, as if he’d set a stopwatch and waited for midnight. Should I reply? Taeun pondered, ignoring the accumulating congratulatory messages. Is he waiting for my reply…. I hope not.

He probably just sent it; he wouldn’t be waiting. A birthday message at midnight, an uncharacteristically sentimental gesture for Cha Jinhyun, but not so special as to be unbearable. He’d done the same for others’ birthdays a few times…. He’d never expected a reply.

“It’s starting.”

A voice urging him to put his phone away fell into Taeun’s ears, who had been staring at the bright screen. The lights dimmed, and the surroundings darkened. Taeun hurriedly turned off his phone. The opening logo filled the screen. Sound waves from the speakers vibrated through his body.

Rather than anticipation for the movie, the back of his head tightened with worry from an unknown source. Taeun buried himself completely in the seat and exhaled his stray thoughts with a sigh.

🔥

The surroundings were bustling. Passersby occasionally murmured in low voices, and when their words ceased, they invariably sent curious glances his way. The man, the subject of their whispers, understood their rudeness.

There was no reason not to understand. It was a night where the only people out and about were drunks and soon-to-be drunks. Holding a bouquet and smoking a cigarette, his appearance was undoubtedly that of a fool who’d been stood up. Since there had never been an appointment to begin with, saying he’d been stood up was a misnomer, but even he found his own appearance comical. Had he encountered himself as a stranger, he, too, would have scoffed, wondering what the hell the guy was doing.

Jinhyun extinguished the cigarette he’d smoked down to the filter and stood up. He stared up at the building with the cinema sign shining at the top, then turned and started walking.

He slowly retraced his steps, wondering what, and where, had gone wrong.

Was it a mistake not to ask about his schedule first?

At the bar he arrived at near midnight, he witnessed Taeun’s retreating figure, joining another person and leaving as if they’d prearranged it. Unable to approach and stop him, he shamefully followed behind. After confirming their destination, this was the result. Standing outside the building, smoking one cigarette after another as if to ruin his lungs, he was a pathetic sight.

If he had gone a little earlier, even if it was too soon, could he have delivered all the prepared congratulations?

Yes, he’d wasted too much time choosing flowers. He spent hours looking up flower meanings and finding a suitable flower shop. He should have moved quickly, but he’d been complacent, unaware of what lay ahead.

If only he hadn’t leisurely eaten lunch while chatting with Kim Sunghyun?

But that was the only way to find out Taeun’s whereabouts. It was the best choice for him, restricted by intangible shackles. He couldn’t even ask a simple “How are you?” himself. To escape this predicament, he was enduring an indefinite wait. He removed the inverted premise and dug into the root of the problem.

If only he hadn’t confessed his feelings, unaware of his place.

At least he might have successfully delivered birthday wishes. After all, this forced void was a consequence of his own greed.

“…….”

The chain of thought, repeating itself simply because there was a minor setback in his meticulously prepared plan, was abruptly cut off at the same point. Jinhyun ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

Returning to his car parked at the corner of the alley, he almost threw the bouquet onto the passenger seat. But he quickly picked it up, carefully examining it to see if any leaves were crushed, then gently placed it upright. He’d chosen beautiful and handsome flowers while enduring the florist’s critical gaze. He had to maintain their vibrant and gorgeous appearance until he gifted them to Taeun. After carefully placing them like building a tower of cards, he naturally folded his arms and stared intently at the bouquet.

“What do I do?”

The colorful bouquet offered no answer. The message he’d sent to secure first place was also ignored. Recalling his silent phone, which he wished would malfunction, Jinhyun voiced his foolish thoughts.

“…Am I hopeless?”

Like a castaway on a deserted island, he attempted to converse with inanimate objects.

It was a sign of anxiety, desperate to cling to anything for an answer. It was because his foothold had suddenly narrowed. In the predawn hours when the sky, devoid of blue prayers, was covered in darkness, the patience of the man lamenting to a plant with its stem cut was slowly depleting. If the petals had a mouth, they would have given him genuinely practical advice to stop it and go home to sleep.

“A movie… just the two of them, on his birthday.”

Unfortunately, however, the only thing with a mouth was the pathetic man, flustered and unable to calm his racing heart.

“I told him to wait….”

A low voice crept into his throat like a mouse. Straightening his bent back, he met his own eyes in the rearview mirror. His eyes, flickering with confusion, looked pathetic. He didn’t even like his hair, which he’d had to visit the hair salon again for after numerous attempts. He had prepared carefully, yet it felt like everything had suddenly gone wrong, leaving him empty.

He knew. This was an exaggeration. Nothing had actually gone wrong, yet he felt as if he’d faced complete failure. He hadn’t given any prior notice, and knowing the guy liked to flit around, he’d prepared himself for the possibility of prior engagements. However, his thoughts and feelings didn’t follow the same path. Going to the cinema with that annoying person, of all things. He hadn’t anticipated this, so the blow was considerable.

Once his mood soured, it twisted endlessly.

The carefully prepared gift became mere junk. The bouquet he’d assembled after searching every corner of different neighborhoods looked shabbier than the wildflowers growing freely by the roadside. Everything felt shabby and superficial. The sudden self-loathing spiraled out of control, using everything as an excuse. His plummeting mood reached rock bottom in an instant. He was plunged into the depths against his will and then pulled out beyond the atmosphere in a flash. Neither environment was conducive to breathing. The intense tempering was still too much for him. Jinhyun slowly closed his eyelids.

As he mulled over the point where his planned celebration had gone awry, he realized he’d been complaining incessantly and clicked his tongue.

So this is it, he thought. Putting in all that effort, only for it to become meaningless and empty in an instant. Being easily swayed. Efforts being futile. The emptiness that you must have experienced repeatedly. The surging irritation cooled like he’d been doused with cold water. It was a pathetic whine. It was a sensation he should slowly get used to.

He wasn’t in a position to complain, Jinhyun thought, checking the red warning light blinking on the dashboard and fastening his seatbelt.

‘Is there really something between them?’

Still, he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t bothered by it. Kim Sunghyun’s words lingered in his mind. It was a suspicion that didn’t quite fit the images of the two entering the cinema entrance. Suddenly, he felt nauseous.

“If there is…”

…I have to get rid of it. Jinhyun muttered as he released the handbrake.

One way or another, it was a connection he couldn’t let go of. Even if Taeun truly had someone else in mind, it no longer mattered. Because he’d realized that he couldn’t help but love Taeun. The only position he desired was ‘lover.’ Precious because it’s finite, and completing each other because it’s imperfect. The yearning to embrace tightly, so that no void could penetrate, was more solid than he’d thought. He was strong enough to stand up again, despite momentary despair.

If he was never accepted, he might end up as a ‘stalker’….

After idly touching the rearview mirror, Jinhyun adjusted his appearance and gripped the steering wheel. He pressed the accelerator, gauging the time consumed by his morbid brooding.

🔥

The movie was alright. It was entertaining. Or rather, it probably was.

He’d watched half of the running time with his brain switched off, so he couldn’t properly grasp the story, but judging by the excited chatter of people leaving the theater, it must have been quite an interesting story. Since it hadn’t been released long, there were many viewers despite the late hour. Taeun floated like dust, carried by the voices of the chattering people. The surrounding sounds stuttered and mumbled as if they’d been eaten away. His mind was completely occupied with his phone, which he’d just turned on.

In fact, ever since he’d received that short message, his entire focus had been on it, so it had been a while since his mind had been occupied. Turning off his phone completely, when simply putting it on vibrate would have sufficed, was a pathetic act of defiance. If he’d come to watch a movie, he should focus on the movie, it was a reprimand directed at himself. As time passed, Taeun realized he knew one thing but not the other. That in the fight against himself, the victor and the loser are one and the same.

It was natural that the device he’d turned off himself was lifeless. But it bothered him, making him fidget in his seat throughout the screening. Half of it was the clamor of his fragmented heart, and the other half was the senseless worry for someone in a similar situation. Taeun was naturally adept at immersion and empathy. The movie filling his vision had become secondary.

What was I like?

Sitting amidst the deafening sounds of explosions and destruction in the theater, he began to reflect on a vague past.

Being special to Cha Jinhyun on his birthday was a difficult task.

One of his many, many friends. He knew his place well. On the eve of his birthday, he’d gather a small amount of courage and greed and wait for midnight. Sometimes he’d aim for the beginning of the day, and other times he’d pretend to have forgotten and aim for the end. It was a clumsy ploy to hide his excessive interest, and at the same time, a cunning scheme to possess the beginning and the end.

Hey, happy birthday. Anything you want?

His greetings were always blunt. He’d filter out all the ticklish words flitting around his fingertips and pick out seemingly indifferent ones to send. The first birthday message often received replies like, “You’re in good form, buy me dinner,” while the late messages often received rather cute replies like, “Too late, I’m already sulking.”

The guy, who carried his phone around like an accessory, was always slow to reply, but on his birthday, it was always quick, as if he’d been waiting for him. He really liked that. Choosing a present was also a joy. Because it was the only day he was allowed to mix in a little of his hidden affection, to think of him without restraint. The birthday of someone you liked was that special.

That’s why he could freely interpret the meaning embedded in Cha Jinhyun’s birthday greeting. …Of course, this was only when Cha Jinhyun truly, genuinely… liked him.

‘Should I reply….’

Fortunately or unfortunately, the message remained at midnight.

Even as he walked out and towards his nearby studio apartment, even as he chatted with Seo Jaeoh about the movie that hadn’t left any lasting impression, the trivial worry persisted.

‘…Is there really a point now?’

Taeun fiddled with the phone in his pocket and smacked his lips. If he was going to do it, he should have done it earlier. It was already late at night, hours later. It seemed ridiculous to send a message out of the blue.

‘He’s probably asleep anyway.’

Besides, the guy, who adhered to a regular lifestyle, would have been lying down and wandering in his dreams long ago. He knew, he knew, but he couldn’t help but be bothered. ‘What if’ and ‘just in case’ kept stirring inside him, causing a muddy breath to escape.

Anyway… he said he…

likes… me….

“…….”

…He might be waiting for a reply, just like I used to.

There is a subtle difference between pity and empathy. This is usually determined by experience, so Taeun, unable to pity him, empathized. Wouldn’t it be sad to wake up and face a silent message window? He thought he would be sad.

Did he only not reply to mine, or did he ignore everyone equally…. He might even waste his entire morning wondering about such things. Or not, that guy’s smart after all…. He’s not the type to overthink it. He likes me, but maybe not that much….

Thinking that far, he suddenly craved a cigarette. It was ridiculous how far a single reply could go. Taeun patted his coat pocket, maintaining his slow pace. There was nothing there. He’d decided to quit smoking, which he’d started because of someone, and had been maintaining a relatively successful streak.

And he had a premonition that even that would soon disappear. The first button of resignation, which he’d been slowly but surely fastening, came undone. Because of someone again.

“…Hyung, want to go in first?”

Taeun slowed his steps and then stopped completely. Then he spoke awkwardly. The entrance to the studio apartment was right in front of him.

He had to buy cigarettes first, and he wanted to walk a little. The route was somewhat uncomfortable for company. Moreover, Seo Jaeoh was a non-smoker. He wasn’t thick-skinned enough to make someone stand around awkwardly while he puffed away at harmful smoke. Seo Jaeoh, as if asking what was wrong, turned around a step ahead and inquired with his expression.

“I’ll go to the convenience store and then come in. I’m going to talk to a friend, uh, on the phone too. Go ahead, hyung, you must be tired.”

Kim Hyoju, Jung Sojin, a couple of his high school friends had left missed calls, but he had no intention of calling them back. It was just a convenient excuse. Seo Jaeoh paused for a moment, then smiled faintly and agreed without suspicion.

“It’s late, so come in quickly.”

However, instead of letting him go immediately, he urged him like a caring parent. Taeun immediately nodded, replying obediently, “I’ll be right back.” The two, who had stopped, resumed walking in different directions.

🔥

Taeun went straight to the convenience store, paid for a pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and a small can of beer, and came back out. He entered the smoking area located behind the building, lit a cigarette, and inhaled the pungent scent.

“Ugh…”

How long had it been? He didn’t know, but it had been so long that his head spun after just a few puffs. He groaned foolishly and shook his head. He briefly considered throwing it away because of the sudden nausea, but feeling it was a waste, he just lightly held it between his lips and exhaled repeatedly. Puff, puff, white clouds billowed from his slightly parted lips. He placed the cigarette between his fingers and opened the beer can. He puckered his lips and took a sip from the fizzing opening.

Whether it was Cha Jinhyun or Cha Jinhyun, was it his nature to wallow in self-pity? He wondered as he swallowed the sharp beer. He suddenly felt tired of himself. He even felt a sense of self-disgust. What was he doing? The reason he wanted time was to sort out his ambiguous feelings. But… what was this?

A week had passed. He hadn’t sorted anything out, and his decisiveness had shattered, leaving him unable to make even minor decisions. He felt frustrated with himself, holding a cigarette he’d quit because of someone, agonizing over whether or not to reply to a birthday message. The more he hesitated, the more fear accumulated, and he felt like he was sinking into a quagmire.

If he was going to be stupid, he should be thoroughly stupid. It would have been much easier if he could have just said something cheesy like, “So, are we dating now…?” and accepted the confession.

But he was ambiguously stupid. Unable to find an answer, he was just wasting time, and he was annoyed with himself. Kicking the ground in frustration, he downed the rest of the beer. Taeun, leaning against the wall with his arms dangling, sighed and retrieved the resolution he’d made earlier.

One by one, slowly.

“This… damn it.”

He muttered, crushing the empty can and throwing it into the trash. He also tossed the shortened cigarette. He immediately took out his phone with rough hands.

He knew his foolish self couldn’t calculate the distant future. So he had to make the best decision for each situation as it arose. Even if it was a trivial worry that anyone would scoff at if they heard it. Taeun moved his thumb quickly across the screen.

[Just saw this, was busy. Thanks. See you la| ]

He paused after typing that much. Taeun ran his tongue over his lips. He needed to clarify the end to avoid any misunderstanding.

[Just saw this, was busy. Thanks. See you later. I mean, not like that, I mean see you at the club… Anyway, thanks.] 02:30

So he added the rest.

If it meant no one would get hurt, sending a thank you message was a trivial effort. It was better than agonizing alone and speculating about the possibility of both of them suffering. This was the first best choice he’d made. Once he’d decided, he felt relieved. He would send the message first, wander around a bit, and then go inside. Just as Taeun was staring at the text box and about to press the send button,

<Ding!>

Something strange happened.

“…Huh.”

Simultaneously with pressing the button, a notification sound signaling an incoming message rang in his ears. Is that mine? Taeun immediately checked the chat list, but there were no new messages. No preview notification popped up either. He ran his finger along the side of the phone. It was on vibrate. There was no reason for a sound notification.

“…Huh….”

A stupid sound escaped his lips. Was there a glitch? Feeling uneasy, he lifted his head and looked around.

All he could see was the eerie twilight of early morning. The only sound was the occasional rustle of banners flapping in the chilly wind. In the darkness, devoid of any human presence, not even the shadow of an insect, Taeun slowly froze. He was suddenly overcome with chills.

Was it just his imagination, or did the surrounding air feel unseasonably cold? He gulped involuntarily. Taeun pursed his lips, exhaling a shaky breath through his nostrils. He slowly straightened his slouched posture.

‘Our Father, who art in heaven….’

Then he started reciting the Lord’s Prayer inwardly. Of course, there were no such things as ghosts, but it couldn’t hurt to be safe….

He never thought the church he’d diligently attended as a child to earn talents would be so helpful. He couldn’t bring himself to turn around. The planned dawn stroll would… be postponed for now. He’d sent the reply, so just as he was about to turn and head inside,

“Hey.”

Thud.

A large hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

“Aah!”

Taeun, frozen stiff, screamed and leaped forward. His sprint, as swift as a colt stung in the rear, soon came to a halt. His legs gave way, and his knees buckled. His heart, which had been constricted by tension, pounded like a runaway horse. Still kneeling, he slowly turned his head.

During that brief moment, the dark figure he’d imagined was a notorious serial killer or a vengeful ghost. If it was a person, he planned to kick them in the groin and run, and if it was a ghost, he’d sing a hymn. All that came to mind was Christmas carols, but that was something. Whatever appeared couldn’t be more surreal than his imagination.

But there it was. A surreal person who shouldn’t be here, standing right before him. Taeun’s eyes widened as the figure slowly revealed itself. Noel, Noel…. His lips, ready to sing, parted involuntarily, and he stammered.

“Wh, what… what….”

Cha Jinhyun was approaching, turning off the brightly lit phone screen.

“You went far.”

Standing a step away, he casually spoke as he knelt down, mirroring Taeun’s position. Their eyes naturally met. Taeun stared blankly at him. His heart, which had been racing, pounded even harder despite the disappearance of the threat. His mind went blank. You, why, here, why…. His frozen brain floated up only stupid words.

“Wait, don’t get mad yet.”

Jinhyun spoke first, seeing Taeun, too stunned to even be angry. He carefully observed Taeun with cautious eyes. He looked like a child about to be scolded.

“First of all, I was wrong.”

“…….”

“I didn’t mean to break my promise… I’ll keep it.”

“…….”

“…Forgive me, just this once.”

Then he quickly admitted his fault and asked for forgiveness. Naturally and without pretense, as if he’d practiced it many times. Overwhelmed with bewilderment, Taeun lost his words and just stared at him. His fingers, scratching his cheekbone as if embarrassed, were trembling slightly.

“I came to show off.”

A voice carrying the scent of flowers gently wrapped around his earlobes.

🔥

A deep silence settled around them. Kneeling like children playing house, they silently stared at each other.

Taeun, clutching and rubbing his pounding chest at the unexpected appearance, caught his breath. Jinhyun maintained eye contact, patiently waiting for him to calm down. The small consideration only amplified his bewilderment. An awkward silence fell, so thick that he could almost hear the sound of hair strands scattering. His mouth went dry from the strange gaze he’d never received before. Unable to bear the gaze, which seemed to absorb all the scarce dawn light and shimmer with warmth, Taeun finally looked away. The accelerating heart rate gradually subsided beneath his palm.

“Are you surprised?”

As soon as their eyes parted, Jinhyun leaned closer and bowed deeply.

As if determined to make eye contact, he lowered his head and nudged Taeun’s head upwards. The gesture was quite affectionate. Taeun, whose heart twitched at the gentle touch, twisted his neck almost horizontally. He ended up completely turning away from Cha Jinhyun, but he didn’t notice. Jinhyun slowly straightened his upper body and let out a soft groan.

“…Are you angry?”

He asked, resting his arms on his knees.

“That’s not good….”

Jinhyun muttered, scratching his brow bone as if troubled, not receiving a reply. The rustling sound of paper crumpling against thin plastic reached Taeun’s ears.

The short noise caught Taeun’s attention. Only after his scattered liver and heart had returned to their places did his five senses properly function. He glanced to the side, his eyes moving leftward towards the source of the sound. A large shopping bag and the bouquet in Jinhyun’s hand entered his view. The heart that had barely settled in his chest plummeted again with a thud.

Show off….

Taeun ruminated on the frivolous words he’d just heard. The bouquet, exuding a soft fragrance, proved that they weren’t just baseless nonsense. He slowly straightened his head. Taeun was now staring blankly at the bouquet. Noticing his vacant gaze, Jinhyun abruptly held it out.

“Happy birthday.”

Adding simple birthday greetings,

“It’s Rose Day today…. So, two birds with one stone.”

The scent that had been tickling his nose intensified as the bouquet was presented.

Startled, Taeun raised his arm to accept it, momentarily losing his balance and tilting. His folded legs lost their strength in an instant. He tumbled backward without a chance to steady himself, his backside hitting the ground with a thud. There was no impact, but he felt incredibly embarrassed. Just as he was about to push himself up with his hands,

Jinhyun plopped down on the dirty ground, mirroring him. He sat comfortably and casually acted nonchalant.

“The lighting’s good here.”

Then, with a tilt of his chin, he gestured upwards with his eyes. Following his gaze, Taeun briefly looked up. The yellowish streetlight was illuminating them like a spotlight.

“The stage is important for a talent show.”

It wasn’t a funny joke at all. But the corners of his lips twitched. He was slightly pleased that he had fallen with him instead of catching him.

A small sense of calm settled in his messy heart. It was enough space not to reject the talent show he’d prepared. Taeun dusted off his hands and carefully accepted the bouquet.

In the empty dawn, on the pavement of a residential area where dew was forming, the two of them, sitting like they were playing a board game, looked like a pair of amicable drunks. But no one cared. Taeun, who had kept his mouth shut until then, brought the bouquet to his nose and sniffed. Various gentle floral scents penetrated his body, churning his stomach.

“You….”

The sweet fragrance calmed him down. Then a belated question came to Taeun. The time they were in was far too late to be showing up with flowers. Considering how he’d suddenly appeared behind him, it wasn’t difficult to deduce his movements.

“Were you waiting here the whole time?”

No way. His lower abdomen fluttered noisily.

“…Not the whole time here.”

Unlike the serious Taeun, Jinhyun replied casually. He paused for a moment, as if searching for a suitable answer. But the answer was already sufficient. His evasive words weren’t a denial.

“I just waited because I wanted to see you and say happy birthday.”

“…….”

The excuse was clumsy. Because it was a day they had to meet anyway. He didn’t have to go through all this trouble; they would have naturally met.

And you could have just blended in with the crowd and added a ‘Happy birthday’ as a greeting. You could have feigned composure, pushed away the thought of being unwelcome, and taken the easier path, a meeting where you wouldn’t need to ask for forgiveness before even saying hello. But he didn’t. Jinhyun chose the longer route instead of the shortcut. For some reason, Taeun felt like he knew why.

“…You.”

Taeun, who unexpectedly felt a sense of kinship, found himself and the man in front of him unfamiliar, and bit his lip. Even so, it was foolish behavior.

“Do you carry your phone around for show?”

If he was coming, he should have at least said something. There was no notice whatsoever, and since he’d been silent after midnight, he’d assumed he was asleep. The thought of him wandering outside like a lost dog tightened his throat.

“If you were coming, you should have at least… said something. Or contacted me when you arrived. No, I know, I told you not to, but still… if you came, you should have. What if I’d been asleep, why are you outside at this hour….”

Scolding words, fueled by frustration, tumbled out. Was it annoyance, worry, or was it love again? Unrefined emotions, translated into words, then scattered. Unable to put a period at the end of his sentence, Taeun exhaled a short breath and glared at him resentfully. Jinhyun, listening attentively to the clumsy scolding as if appreciating sweet music, grinned, twisting his lips.

“I like it.”

Then he uttered an out-of-context reply. Taeun’s eyes narrowed at the nonsensical words.

“What?”

“That you’re worried about me.”

But his furrowed brow softened, losing its strength. It wasn’t that his heart was moved, but rather that he was deflated. Was he being teased? If so, his low voice sounded incredibly sincere.

“I was going to wait until morning.”

“Are you crazy?”

“I’m not in my right mind.”

“Huh….”

Taeun’s lips parted in disbelief, speechless. As he’d said, his nonsensical words, spoken with a mischievous boyishness, were absurd. Jinhyun, watching Taeun’s bewildered expression, pressed his lips with the hand that had been propping his chin. I wish this hand were those lips, he thought, brushing away the futile wish.

“When did you get here? Since when….”

“Does that matter?”

Jinhyun removed his hand from under his chin and shifted forward, using it to support himself. The two-hand span gap between them vanished instantly as their knees touched. Taeun flinched and straightened his bent back, but he didn’t move his hips back or avoid him.

“Aren’t you curious about anything else?”

Jinhyun asked, glancing at the bouquet. Taeun’s gaze followed downwards. The large bouquet in his view was casually examined. Unlike the excuse of Rose Day, there were no roses.

It was the second time he’d received flowers from him.

The memory of a single, simple flower bloomed fleetingly. The rose given to him, combining Coming-of-Age Day and his birthday, the memory of the thorns on the stem being particularly painful, lingered. The kindness Jinhyun had shown him so far was like that rose. Beautiful and painful. Something he couldn’t grasp carelessly.

“…This is….”

Was he hoping for an admiring “It’s beautiful”? Was he wanting a teary-eyed “Thank you”? He didn’t know. So Taeun decided to ask what he was truly curious about.

“…Mine?”

He wanted to confirm that the affection he’d prepared was solely for him. He felt he needed to hear empty words, even if he hated himself for his heart wavering at the coincidental absence of roses. At the unexpected question, bewilderment flashed across Jinhyun’s clean face.

“Did you buy it?”

Taeun continued to ask persistently.

“Did you spend money on this?”

“What?”

By then, even Jinhyun, who had been contemplating a멋진 answer, sensed something was off. Taeun brushed aside even the most absurd imaginations that flickered at the edge of his mind.

“Were you going to give it to someone else, but it didn’t work out, so you brought it to me….”

“What are you talking about?”

Jinhyun cut off Taeun’s muttering mid-sentence. He would usually listen, but that was just nonsense.

“I bought it for you.”

He finally answered the question. Despite this, Taeun still looked unconvinced. He didn’t want to brag about a mere bouquet or whine pathetically, but sometimes explanations were necessary. Now was probably one of those times.

“With my money, thinking of you. I have no one else to give flowers to, and I don’t want to.”

“…….”

He didn’t mention the short history of his painstaking efforts to learn various flower meanings and arrange them appropriately. There was no need. He wondered why he’d wandered around like a vagabond possessed by a restless spirit, but he had no regrets. Seeing the product of his efforts nestled in Taeun’s arms, he felt a sense of pride in his past struggles. If possible, he wanted to give him only his best.

“…It’s natural for you to be suspicious, but I’m not… frivolous enough to look for someone else a week after confessing.”

Jinhyun explained moderately, within the limits of not provoking Taeun. Given his previous record of debating whether or not to introduce someone to Taeun, he couldn’t fault his distrust, but it felt unfair to be lumped in with others. In fact, since Lee Taeun’s chaotic confession, he hadn’t even exchanged casual messages with anyone. It would have been unnecessary deception.

Taeun, listening quietly and awkwardly touching the flowers, stared intently at Jinhyun. Thin eyelids lowered over his mixed brown eyes, swirling with a mixture of joy and sorrow. It seemed like he had something to say.

“You are frivolous….”

His body stiffened at the calm remark that followed.

“…Me?”

What was he hearing? All he could do was ask back. Taeun quietly nodded.

“Ho… how… which….”

His tongue was twisted with embarrassment. Jinhyun closed his mouth for a moment and took a deep breath.

“Can I ask… in what way… you got that impression?”

Taeun tilted his head slightly and silently stared at him. His unreadable gaze seemed to accuse, “You know what you did.” So Jinhyun briefly reflected on his past, searching for any behavior that could be described as frivolous.

He’d never been cheap. He simply hadn’t stopped those who came, nor chased after those who left. He’d lived, enjoying ordinary relationships. However, he had occasionally asked Taeun for help when he needed an excuse… but….

“Guilty conscience?”

Taeun smirked, narrowing his eyes, reading the bewilderment on Jinhyun’s face.

“…About half.”

And Jinhyun humbly accepted the teasing gaze. How could he have known that the years they spent together would come back to bite him like this? He’d lived a different life. It was understandable that Taeun might see him as frivolous, but by his own standards, he wasn’t. So, Jinhyun admitted to exactly half.

However, Taeun’s expression twisted slightly at his ready admission.

“I was just… joking.”

“…….”

“What kind of life have you lived…?”

“…….”

He felt like he’d fallen into another trap. Jinhyun clenched his jaw and pursed his lips. Denying it would have been the right answer. It was too late to realize that now.

Taeun was even showing a hint of contempt, as if imagining something. He couldn’t become a cheap, frivolous guy when he needed to appear good. Jinhyun replied rather desperately,

“I’m not a slut.”

He realized it might not have been the best choice of words, but it was impossible to take them back.

Taeun’s subtly dark expression was instantly replaced with bewilderment. Jinhyun, trying to prove his ordinary innocence – not completely clean, but not terribly dirty either – continued without stopping,

“I swear, I’ve never done anything dirty. I don’t even have any STDs….”

“Hey, hey. I was just, just joking. Where are you going with this?”

Taeun reached out and covered his runaway mouth, seemingly unable to bear hearing any more as he started revealing unsolicited medical history.

“Who called you a slut?”

Taeun, his cheeks slightly flushed, looked around as he snapped, making sure no one had heard. He whispered the word “slut” in a lowered voice. Jinhyun felt a laugh bubbling up. He wanted to grab his hand and pull him into a hug.

“Were you testing me?”

Intentional or not, it certainly looked like he was testing him, implying interest.

“Huh?”

“Were you testing me?”

“No?”

Taeun abruptly pulled back his upper body as if he’d heard something bizarre. Jinhyun’s eyes involuntarily followed his retreating hand, regretting its absence.

“What should I do? I’ll do whatever you say.”

Taeun scratched his nape gruffly, as if he hadn’t understood immediately. Jinhyun continued with a foolish question.

“What? What…?”

“Should I swap them out?”

“Swap what… No, ah, don’t say it.”

Taeun fussed, realizing the hidden object a beat late.

And Jinhyun couldn’t take his eyes off him, rambling incoherently. He felt like he was floating. This conversation, between him and Taeun, felt unfamiliar and ticklish. Jinhyun savored the moment as if stretching time. His entire body tingled as if touched by feathers. Ah, there was a perfect word to describe this feeling.

He was excited. He was shy, embarrassed by the playful banter exchanged between them.

“Taeun.”

A voice, coated with overflowing excitement, spread. Jinhyun felt something, an unbearable feeling. He suddenly didn’t want to endure anything. He felt like he was about to sneeze from pollen. The empty street felt like it was theirs. After giving the flowers, he had planned to light the candles on the cake and sing. He wanted to give the presents, stay close, and act cute. All those plans were suddenly devoured by emotions, losing their balance and crumbling.

“Can I kiss you?”

He couldn’t hold back the unruly desire and let it slip. It was an impulse, like a wild animal suddenly bursting onto the winding, indirect path.

“…….”

And then, a distant silence covered them like a lie.

The playful banter suddenly shattered and scattered. Intense agitation was transmitted through their touching kneecaps. Taeun froze. In Jinhyun’s view, a hand appeared, gripping the stem of the bouquet tightly. The carefully loosened guard suddenly solidified.

It was a clear mistake. His hazy mind slowly returned. Asking for a kiss after showing up uninvited… he deserved to be slapped and called crazy. The thought made him anxious. He was gripped by the fear of ruining the opportunity he’d barely gained. The chilly air drifting around unpleasantly clung to his skin.

“…No, um.”

He had to fix this. He had to apologize for his recklessness. Jinhyun looked at the things he’d placed behind him. If he gave them and quickly disappeared… maybe he would be forgiven. Just as he was berating himself for ruining things again, possessed by something,

“…That time, at night, in your bed….”

Taeun cautiously started speaking.

“Why did you kiss me?”

“…….”

That night was brought up. In that instant, the precariously flowing atmosphere changed. To a place he couldn’t avoid.

“It’s strange to play along to that extent if you weren’t going to accept me from the beginning.”

Jinhyun couldn’t answer readily.

“Did you confuse me with someone else?”

His calm voice, as if it was alright, was unusually composed. It was Jinhyun whose head and heart were in turmoil.

“…No.”

Even if he wanted to say what Taeun wanted to hear, he couldn’t presume.

“It was you.”

Rustle, the flowers between them swayed. “Me.” Taeun murmured, drawing his gaze down from the empty air.

“Even after hearing your confession… Honestly, I wasn’t curious about anything. About when you started liking me, why you suddenly liked me… those things. I thought they were meaningless.”

“…….”

The low voice was like a starting pistol. Jinhyun could vaguely sense it. That some direction, some stage, was coming to an end.

“I didn’t want to hear it. Because if I heard it… I’d want to believe it. And if I believed it, and it turned out to be nothing… Hey, I want to stop doing that now. Getting my hopes up and being disappointed by myself is so… tiring. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“Taeun.”

“I’m stupid, so if someone holds my hand and kisses me, I think they like me. That’s why back then, I thought you might have started liking me a little.”

“…….”

“But you didn’t.”

It was difficult to grasp the point of the lengthy words. However, one thing was clear: he couldn’t read any acceptance of their relationship. It was a confession that wouldn’t be out of place if followed by a “It’s not going to work, let’s stop this.” Just as Jinhyun was about to call his name again, trying to forcefully block the prelude to the end,

“So explain.”

Taeun made an unexpected demand.

“How am I supposed to… distinguish between then and now?”

The lips that had said “If I hear it, I’ll want to believe it,” now yearned for belief again. It was the moment the first page of the homework that had to be solved was unfolded before them.

Clear pronunciation, unwavering gaze, clear eyes. All of these combined and pressed down on Jinhyun.

He heard the phantom sound of dawn breaking.

It was a noise that had become commonplace. His chest slowly stirred with anxiety and anticipation. Amidst the confusion, within the question posed to him, he could glimpse a hidden truth. It wasn’t rejection. The form of the end, which had approached so close, scattered and disappeared like smoke. But he couldn’t be relieved. This was both an opportunity and a crisis.

The anchor was raised, waiting for the wind to determine the direction of their relationship.

Jinhyun had a gut feeling. He was like a defendant facing a final statement. A poor sinner without a lawyer had to choose. Should he repent and ask for leniency, appeal his grievance, or request a postponement of the sentence until he found the still unclear reason? Jinhyun, after considering, chose none of these.

He simply delved into Taeun’s question. Peeling back the layers of the sentence given to him, two pitiful questions remained.

‘Why.’ And ‘How.’

He couldn’t readily answer because he shouldn’t answer carelessly, hastily, clumsily, or hesitantly.

So Jinhyun recalled that night. He retrieved the memory as if spreading out a map to find the right path. He recalled that night, for which, even now, he couldn’t give a precise reason, only vague conjectures.

The blueness of the night that had permeated the room through the window, the cool air cooling his forehead, the pungent smell of alcohol mixed with his ragged breaths, the frivolous conversations, their clasped hands, the throbbing within, your confession, my silence, your trembling voice, the softly placed lips, the warm breath tickling his skin, the tip of your tongue clumsily reaching out, and my….

“Should I answer one by one?”

Why.

“Why did I kiss you?”

Why couldn’t I push you away?

“…Well.”

Even retracing that night, he couldn’t find the reason.

Excuses he’d added hastily after the act were plentiful. Pity, or sexual frustration, or perhaps shallow guilt. Thinking about it now, they all felt petty.

If it was pity for unrequited love, he shouldn’t have responded in the first place. It should have been an immediate rejection. If it was an expression of pent-up desire, it made even less sense. He was the one who had declared he couldn’t see men as objects of sexual desire. He wasn’t trash who couldn’t control his lust and acted indiscriminately, like a dog in heat. Jinhyun eliminated the wrong answers one by one.

“It wasn’t because I pitied you, and saying I played along… was bullshit.”

He hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol that night. He was quite tired, but not so much that he couldn’t distinguish right from wrong. He was fully aware of who he was with. Despite that, he’d intertwined tongues, panting and pushing forward. It was a complete contradiction in words and actions. Before he knew it, Jinhyun had come face to face with a familiar wall.

“Just….”

Contradiction, conflict, irrationality, self-contradiction.

Standing before the shabby wall woven with familiar words, he reluctantly tugged at the corners of his lips. The vague reason became ridiculously clear. How many times had he reached this dead end? He knew how to resolve it now.

“I was turned on by you.”

Admitting it. That was all.

“You came onto me, completely naked.”

Despite pushing him away with harsh words, he’d been hopelessly burned by the gentle warmth that had touched him. That was all.

“So I kissed you. Because I was turned on.”

He could have packaged it in nicer words, but he lacked the composure. Jinhyun chuckled at the simple answer, yet thrilled at the sense of liberation. It wasn’t pity, guilt, or sexual frustration. The kiss with you, which had been unimaginable, simply hadn’t felt bad. It seemed like it had rather piqued his interest.

Your eyelashes fluttering before his eyes, your soft tongue, playfully tapping like a supplicant, your flesh, clumsily crossing the line as if trying to proceed to the next stage, your arms wrapping around his neck as if grabbing a lifeline, your movements willingly following despite panting with difficulty, your white legs fidgeting with excitement.

Everything was new. It wasn’t the thrill of a special escapade with someone of the same sex. It was the unknown side of you, the side he might never have known, that shook his core and made his hair stand on end. There was no grand reason for that night he’d desperately denied.

“That time….”

Jinhyun trailed off, clearing his throat and glancing at Taeun. His flushed face at the crude words was quite amusing. Who was the one who’d charged in like a bulldozer? He seemed embarrassed by the word ‘turned on.’ He was acting quite innocent for someone who’d crawled into his bed and licked his lips.

He wondered what kind of expression he’d make when he heard what he was about to say, and pushed aside the idle thought before speaking again. A casual voice flowed, like catching up with an old friend.

“I got hard after kissing you.”

He could have been more subtle, but he wasn’t.

“…….”

“You didn’t seem to remember that part.”

He emphasized, glancing downwards. As if that wasn’t enough, he even tapped his crotch. Taeun’s face, watching the bizarre scene unfold right in front of him, contorted into an indescribable expression.

“…Hic.”

Suddenly, Taeun’s upper body shook.

He hiccuped as if he’d inhaled wrongly at the sudden, perverse confession. Meanwhile, his gaze slowly slid down to Jinhyun’s crotch. Then up, then down, then up again…. He started examining the man who said he’d gotten hard while with him, as if observing a strange creature. Jinhyun rubbed his jaw at the blatant stare. Even the most shameless person would feel awkward having their genitals targeted by such a direct gaze. His earlobes, tinged gold by the streetlight, deepened in color. Jinhyun managed to hide his embarrassment and spoke,

“…Stop staring, it’ll wear out.”

Far from wearing out, the area below his navel was starting to stir uncomfortably. It was truly irreverent for the defendant, who should be showing remorse with a solemn attitude, to be asking for consideration with a hard-on. He didn’t want to become a shameless person getting hard on the street. And at the same time, he was slightly flustered.

It was just a gaze. His body, reacting to the bewildered observation devoid of any suggestive undertones, felt foreign. Hic, hic, Taeun, whose shoulders shook rhythmically, didn’t avert his gaze despite the request. He was staring intently. Since he didn’t seem like he’d back down easily, Jinhyun continued his recollection.

“I could have rationalized a bit of lip-locking as playing along. But… getting hard while making out is a completely different story.”

“…….”

“You asked why I played along to that extent when I wasn’t going to accept you. Right. I had no intention of going that far.”

He scoffed, recalling his confident past self, oblivious to what lay ahead.

“…It’s simple. You won, I was completely swept away.”

Though he hadn’t known it then. Like a Buddhist visiting a restroom, he vomited all the filthy anxieties he hadn’t been able to express.

“At first… I desperately denied it. Fuck, I even wondered if it was because I didn’t pull out for a while. I couldn’t believe that I… with you… got hard while kissing you. But.”

“…….”

“It didn’t un-happen just because I didn’t believe it.”

So, even if you didn’t believe my shameful confession, it wouldn’t disappear. That night, this moment, the returning feelings, they couldn’t vanish. Taeun was now looking directly at Jinhyun.

“And in the meantime, every time I saw you, I felt… really strange.”

He paused.

Yes, everything after that had been a mess. Every time he saw the guy, who had been just a playful puppy, his insides churned. He thought he was going crazy. Because impossible things, things that couldn’t happen unless he was crazy, started filling his daily life, he wished he were crazy. He felt the confusion he’d felt back then resurfacing.

He’d resented the guy who had thrown him into the desolate mire. He’d blamed him for everything and covered his eyes and ears. He’d been consumed by the sense of crisis that something had gone terribly wrong, that he had to fix it quickly. He’d been so busy running away that he hadn’t been able to figure out the identity of the swamp swallowing him from below. It was both funny and pathetic.

It was just love. Now that he’d willingly succumbed, everything was clear. It was time to confess his shameful flaws.

“I pushed you away because I was scared.”

Long, and short. Rough, and also tender. If no emotion had stirred from all that contact, his running away would have been justified. But he was wrong. He’d been shaken and completely stirred. He’d started to crave what he’d thrown away, occasionally acting shamelessly desperate. If possible, he wanted to erase all the ugly things he’d done, unable to accept his shaken heart, from that small head.

“I’m sorry for being pathetic.”

But since that was impossible, Jinhyun apologized,

“I like you. It’s all true. I won’t run away anymore.”

And once again, he conveyed his resolve and sincerity.

Silence followed. A silence so deep that he could hear the grains of sand falling. Taeun’s trembling shoulders had calmed down at some point. Finally, Taeun, who had been listening silently, slowly opened his mouth.

“…That doesn’t… make sense.”

His words were firm, but his voice was full of confusion. Jinhyun momentarily furrowed his brow, then relaxed and nodded.

“I thought so too. That it didn’t make sense.”

“…….”

Taeun fiddled with the plastic in his hand and glanced away at the immediate agreement. The affirmation, returned without a single excuse, sounded all the more earnest. Words he wanted to say churned within his throat. Taeun swallowed, gathering his scattered questions and arranging them.

“You said there’s no reason it has to be you.”

“…I did.”

“Did you say that… just because you were scared too?”

Jinhyun couldn’t make any excuses and remained silent. At the time, he’d been quite angry. He’d been angry that Taeun, whom he’d neglected for three years, had gone out of his way to find some other guy and drink heavily with him, and that he’d excitedly talked about it in front of him. He’d lashed out in a moment of frustration, without a filter.

And he’d learned a harsh truth: what’s done is done. It was all his fault.

“I… was really hurt when I heard that.”

“…….”

“I didn’t want to like you either.”

“…….”

“I thought it’d be better if it was a dying old man, or a teacher with kids, twenty years older than me.”

The conditions he listed all pointed to forbidden love. The point was simple. At least those kinds of love had plenty of reasons to end them.

Taeun glared at his longtime friend as he spoke.

But the man in front of him was different. There were too many reasons to like him. The fact that it had to be him was enough to make him suffer.

“I didn’t want to like someone like you… either….”

Taeun mumbled, trailing off. He hated himself for wavering after hearing those words. His dry, parched voice scattered like dust in the wind. Jinhyun, who had been listening silently, slowly straightened his posture and brought his knees together. He sat cross-legged, placing his hands on his thighs, assuming a polite posture. Taeun frowned slightly.

“…What are you doing?”

“I thought my posture was a bit disrespectful.”

“…….”

“Tell me more. I want to be sufficiently embarrassed.”

It seemed like Cha Jinhyun was determined to show off with all his might. Judging by his posture alone, he was the spitting image of a troublesome student called in by his teacher. Taeun, suddenly thrust into the role of the teacher, was speechless and muttered inwardly, Why is he like this? Crazy bastard…. His back itched with discomfort.

“…Is this how you usually seduce people?”

“Well… I don’t know.”

Jinhyun tilted his head slightly and replied casually.

“This is my first time trying to seduce someone.”

“…….”

“And right now, I’m reflecting, not seducing.”

His words were eloquent. His knees, touching the dirty ground, added sincerity to his reflection.

Taeun felt very strange. It was like looking at his hometown from the window of an airplane. Things that should be familiar felt strange and unfamiliar. The image of the cruel past naturally overlapped with the image of the man who seemed willing to listen to anything he said.

The same face, the same lips, the same person, yet everything was misaligned. Taeun suddenly wanted to gather all those gaps and embrace them.

“You said it was funny just thinking about dating me.”

Because it felt like it might be just this moment, because it might become nothing, like it had before. He wanted to gather and cherish it. He also wanted to whine a little before it was too late.

“I know you were flustered too. But still, it was a confession… a confession….”

“…….”

“And you call it funny? Why are you like this?”

Once he started opening up, the pent-up emotions he’d been suppressing poured out like a bottomless pit. Taeun continued without giving him a chance to reply.

“And, do you remember what you said to me? You said I wasn’t your type because I’m not attractive.”

Who would readily believe him when he said he kissed him because he was turned on, after saying that? Taeun accurately remembered every single word he’d said, even the pauses. Jinhyun, who had been silently listening to his own misdeeds, furrowed his brow as if something bothered him.

“…Did I say that?”

He asked back incredulously. Taeun nodded in affirmation. Jinhyun carefully examined the face swaying before him.

It was a gaze that seemed to be checking if he was truly unattractive. Taeun involuntarily raised his hand to cover his face. His face, worn out from lectures, part-time work, and late-night outings, would look haggard and unattractive. His raised hand was placed between them like a dividing line. But his raised right hand was immediately caught and pulled down. The hand blocking his view slowly disappeared, and their eyes met again. The scrutinizing gaze had somehow softened, now caressing.

“That guy’s crazy.”

Taeun didn’t even think to shake off the hand and left it as it was.

“You’re beautiful.”

The skin under his closely trimmed nails twitched. The unbidden tremor would be transmitted through his captured hand. He would reveal the throbbing pulse in his wrist. He knew, yet Taeun couldn’t break the connection. Even though he didn’t want to show himself trembling all over except for his eyelids, he just wanted to lean into the comforting voice.

“Especially when you smile.”

“…….”

“So much that I wonder how I didn’t notice.”

He wanted to complain. He wanted to whine. That he was wrong, that it was too much, that he couldn’t trust him now…. The more he thought about it, the more questions and prepared words he’d accumulated suddenly hid beneath his tongue.

“…Me.”

Only a clumsy question remained, as if mocking his long deliberation. Taeun regretted it, but he couldn’t stop for some reason. No, he actually knew the reason.

“Am I… beautiful?”

He wanted to hear it again.

“Yes.”

“…How… how much?”

He wanted to fall asleep between the words of the sentence he didn’t want to believe. He wanted to see it every time he opened his eyes, fall asleep again, and then wake up and check if it was still true.

“How, how beautiful… am I?”

He kept repeating the same words, desperately wanting to grasp them. Taeun suddenly thought the wrist he was holding was hot. It was a bit strange. Because it was always him who was hot. Jinhyun loosened his grip. His long thumb gently caressed the inside of Taeun’s wrist, where the tendons stood out. It was warm to the point of being hot.

“Enough to make someone who swore he’d only wish you a happy birthday and leave, want to kiss you.”

Cha Jinhyun answered without hesitation. It was a cheesy line. At the same time, it was incredibly stimulating. His vision suddenly blurred and fragmented, strangely overlapping. His dazed mind felt distant. The resolution he’d made not to readily believe him wasn’t really necessary. Even without such a resolution, Taeun couldn’t believe this moment.

It finally felt like a dream. Like he’d entered a particularly vivid scene from one of the embarrassing dreams he usually had.

“Taeun.”

“…Yeah.”

But this dawn was real.

Because even in his dreams, he never called him ‘Taeun’ so affectionately. They were connected, facing each other.

“You asked how to distinguish between then and now.”

“Uh… yeah.”

A dazed reply escaped his lips. He felt drowsy, like he’d just woken up early in the morning, and hazy, like he was drunk. Even when he looked for something cold to clear his head, there was nothing. The coolest man he knew was strangely warm.

“How much do you remember from that day?”

“Why… why does that matter?”

“Do you remember what we did?”

“Well, roughly….”

It had been a day of complete intoxication, so the memories were fragmented, remaining only as sensations. The conversations they’d had were hazy, the beginning and end blurred. Taeun, whose answers were scattered with uncertainty, lowered his gaze at the warmth leaving his skin. A large hand was slowly moving up his wrist to his forearm, past his elbow, and to his shoulder.

He couldn’t move. He just followed the movement with his eyes. He passively accepted the hand reaching for the back of his head. Fingers gently slipped through his thin hair.

“I held you like this… that time. Tighter than now.”

As if to show him where, Jinhyun lightly rubbed the spot his fingers touched. Goosebumps rose on his skin at the gentle touch. His toes, hidden in his sneakers, curled involuntarily. His chest tightened as if his solar plexus, not the back of his head, was being held. He was afraid of the strange sensation, something he’d never experienced while sober. But he didn’t want to escape. He just wanted to look at him like this.

“And after that, I just pushed forward.”

The man with a veneer of awkward composure, his constantly moving Adam’s apple, his eyes flickering like rising foam, his trembling hands, he had to capture it all in his eyes, this reality, not a dream.

“I didn’t care whether you were breathing or not, where you reacted, what you liked… Just because I was turned on, I did as I pleased.”

“…….”

“Back then, whatever it was, I came first.”

Emotions, reason, even desire, all of it. Jinhyun felt Taeun’s breath at the closer distance. Was he trembling? It was slightly unsteady. Was he even listening properly? He was too busy trembling himself to check.

“…But I don’t think I can do that now.”

“…….”

“There’s too much to care about.”

He confessed honestly. He stopped thinking, stopped worrying.

“Whether you feel the same way as me, whether I’m doing it right… things like that.”

He spoke as he felt, without embellishment. As if erasing the past days of hiding and running away.

After finishing his words, he took a noticeable breath. Then he looked at Taeun for a moment, turned his head slightly, and let out a deep sigh. His prominent brow bone, his high nose bridge, his melancholic profile, muttered something briefly in a voice too low to hear.

“Ah, I want to… say it coolly, but it’s so damn hard.”

A pathetic excuse escaped his lips. His heart raced at Taeun’s reaction, which was too difficult to gauge whether it was a success or failure. Taeun just stared intently at Jinhyun, frozen like a statue. He didn’t even hope for a kiss anymore. It would be a win if he could just deliver the presents he’d prepared without being chased away.

It seemed better to change the subject. Jinhyun let go of the back of Taeun’s head and withdrew his hand. Just as he was about to reach for the shopping bag he’d placed behind him,

“…Try it then.”

The retreating hand was caught near Taeun’s ear.

“Try doing it while caring about everything.”