Kill Your X Chapter 37

“Ha, ahahaha!”

Si Yeonho stared blankly at me as I laughed, my shoulders shaking. I couldn’t stop laughing for a while. I was laughing because the situation was so ridiculous, because I was ridiculous for trying to trust you until the very end, even after seeing all the suspicious clues scattered around.

“Hey. What’s it to you?”

I sneered, stubbing out my cigarette in the ashtray.

“We’re not dating like we used to, so what right do you have to police me, huh?”

His expression was noticeably distorted. He seemed to have noticed something.

“Right, Seunghan?”

At my confident words, he only let out a faint sigh. That attitude fueled my anger even more.

“Seo Seunghan.”

“Sunbae.”

“There seems to be a funny trend going around in our country that I’m unaware of. Changing each other’s names as you please, and then introducing them to others just like that. It’s not even Ripley Syndrome, do you find this amusing?”

Continuing to face him made my stomach churn unpleasantly. I forced my heavy body up and picked up the clothes that had fallen to the floor like a shed skin. Unlike a few hours ago when I arrived at Jerome, I was now completely dishevelled.

Si Yeonho didn’t say anything until I passed by him. That made me feel even more pathetic. Even in this situation, I was so pathetic for hoping until the end for another possibility.

If only he would say it was all a misunderstanding, that he would explain everything, then I might pretend to listen. Was even that too much to ask? While deceiving me, what was all that talk about love?

“You pathetic idiot who can’t even make an excuse.”

I was about to leave just like that, but I spat out one last curse at his stiff back.

“Go to hell.”

As I cursed him, my eyes grew hot. I quickened my pace, and suddenly, he roughly grabbed my clothes from behind. Before I could react, I was dragged back into the room. Kwang! The door slammed shut with a sound like it would break.

“Ugh! You son of a bitch, let go! Are you going to let go or not?”

He pushed me against the wall and pressed his body against mine. At almost the same time, he buried his nose in the nape of my neck and inhaled.

“Let go! Let go of me!”

“Strange.”

A chilling voice penetrated my ears. He tilted his head slightly and met my eyes again. My frightened reflection was visible in his pupils, black as minerals.

“You still like me, don’t you?”

I pushed him away with all my might. As soon as a small gap opened between us, I swung my arm mercilessly.

Pow!

With a loud cracking sound, his head turned. I didn’t stop there and slapped his cheek once more. He could have easily blocked it, but he remained still.

“Don’t bullshit me. Am I still a joke to you?”

“I didn’t mean to deceive you on purpose. I thought things like names didn’t matter. Since I’ve entered Korea, the real Si Yeonho is going to die soon anyway.”

Even though I heard the excuse I had longed for, my mood only plummeted further.

“Ah, I understand everything now.”

At my openly sarcastic tone, he looked briefly at the empty air.

“I’ve been wondering why your inconsistent bullshit made sense, but now I know. You’re just a lunatic. I was fooled by your normal appearance, I just gave too much meaning to your baseless delusions.”

“I understand why Sunbae is angry, but please don’t overthink it and just wait a little longer. If you don’t like that, I have no choice but to use other methods.”

“Why, are you going to kill me after the real Si Yeonho?”

He kept his mouth shut. I couldn’t help but glance at his reddened cheek from the slap. It was right to leave this place quickly before any more unnecessary emotions arose. It was my loss to deal with this crazy guy any longer.

“Sunbae, you said you wanted to keep living.”

His unusually desperate voice made my heart react.

“I’m telling you I’ll save you. Why won’t you listen?”

I almost wavered in my resolve. Even though I knew full well he wasn’t worth it.

“No.”

His frozen form was reflected in my blurred vision.

“I’d rather die than be with you.”

I ran out of the room as if fleeing. It was the worst possible ending to our story.

✽✽✽

I had a dream. Among the fragmented and swirling memories, what remained clear was the scene of Si Yeonho tightly holding my hand. In the urgent situation, I clung to him as if he were my only lifeline. The way he held me in his arms and gasped for breath, the warmth of his body felt so vivid.

But why am I collapsed on the mountain, bleeding? And why is Si Yeonho there, my father…?

“Gasp!”

I woke up at dawn, drenched in cold sweat. I curled up, clutching my aching chest. As if it wasn’t mine, my heart pounded against my skin, as if it would soon find its original owner. Only when hot tears streamed down my ears did I realize I was crying.

“Seo Seunghan.”

After days of recurring dreams, I had no choice but to accept it. Hard to believe, but I already knew his name. Seo Seunghan had told me himself in the past.

The memories that had been hazy when I met him began to awaken from my unconsciousness one by one after I separated from him. I instinctively knew that this wasn’t just a simple dream, but a replay of the past.

But the more the shattered fragments of my memories came together, the more nonsensical the picture they painted became. I spent confusing days struggling with scenes I couldn’t easily shake from my mind.

What is Seo Seunghan hiding?

If what I saw in the dream is true, how am I even alive?

✽✽✽

I went to the library five days a week, and after work, I ate dinner alone or went to the gym to exercise. I called my mother regularly to check in and occasionally met Yeojun to chat about trivial things.

The difference from before was that I never went to clubs again. After learning the expensive lesson that the essence of love I had been hoping for was an illusion, I truly had no other lingering feelings.

On the other hand, I felt wronged. What did I do so wrong to be entangled in such bad relationships? Were there always this many con artists in the world? I understood why my father, a police officer, always came home late from work due to overtime.

“Teacher Song, is something wrong these days? You look very pale.”

My colleague next to me expressed her concern. I smiled bitterly and replied.

“I broke up with my boyfriend.”

“Oh my.”

She covered her mouth with her hand. I brought up a topic I usually avoided talking about.

“It turns out he lied to me about his identity. His name, his education, everything was a lie.”

“Oh my goodness. That’s like something out of a movie.”

“Exactly. It’s like a movie.”

My colleague asked me who introduced me to him, advised me to cut ties with the person who introduced us since they were in on it, and offered other heartfelt advice. She seemed eager to know more details, but when I showed signs of distress, she closed her mouth. Fortunately, she wasn’t completely lacking in social awareness.

“It must have been very hard for you. But someone like Teacher Song can easily meet someone better. If you’re interested, I can introduce you to someone.”

“Thank you for your concern. But I think I’ll take some time to myself for a while.”

The days of waiting for someone’s call, secretly smiling at the voice I occasionally heard on the phone, felt like a mirage. The increasingly disturbing dreams also played a part in draining my energy. I lived each day feeling empty inside.

And when it became unbearably painful, I just thought of it as a punishment. A punishment for acting against the laws of the world. A punishment for being born a man and loving another man.

I stopped by a real estate agency near my house after work. Although my lease still had some time left, I thought it would be best to move quickly. I had already changed the door lock code, but since he knew my exact address, and also because the place held quite a few memories of us, I wanted to start fresh in a different neighborhood.

By the time I left the real estate agency, the sky had grown quite dark. I didn’t have the energy to cook, so I bought a lunchbox from a nearby restaurant. I was planning to just fill my stomach and collapse on my bed, but when I got home, an uninvited guest was waiting for me at the door.

“Hyung Gyujin.”

Should I be thankful it wasn’t Seo Seunghan?

“Kim Minseok.”

Or was this worse?

“No, wait. Your name is Si Yeonho, right? You two are really good at confusing people.”

It was my first love, also known as the asshole, who showed up looking like he was about to die of guilt. He was nowhere to be found when I was looking for him, and I didn’t know what kind of audacity brought him back in front of me.

“Give me a moment. I’ll explain everything that happened.”

“Just leave while you still can.”

“Hyung, I was wrong. Okay?”

He suddenly knelt on the cold floor. Just then, another neighbor passed by and gave us a strange look, making me facepalm. Because the idiot didn’t have the decency to keep quiet and was raising his voice, I had no choice but to take him outside. Whatever it was, I didn’t want to let the con artist into my house.