Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 48

“I wanted you to be by my side.”

It was a completely unexpected answer. It would have been easier to understand, even if it made her angry, if he had said he did it because her skills were too good to waste. He had said as much a few times before with a genuinely regretful expression, so it wouldn’t have been incomprehensible if it came from a place of wanting his friend to succeed in life.

But she had never imagined an answer like this. A swirl of confusion showed plainly on Hongyo’s face.

“I don’t understand. Whether I get an official post or not, you know I can’t leave this place, right? I’ll be here anyway, so why….”

She had someone to take responsibility for. Her grandmother would probably scoff and say she was the one providing for her, but in any case, as long as her grandmother was by her side, Hongyo couldn’t leave.

Besides, hadn’t Gamyoung always said he wanted to go out into the world? Unlike her, he was in a position where he could leave and return whenever he wanted. So she couldn’t understand why he would go so far as to be tied down by Kyungrak just to keep her by his side.

With a face that showed she simply couldn’t figure it out, Hongyo stared at Gamyoung. Unlike Hongyo, Gamyoung answered calmly.

“It must have been when I went to see you right after the coronation. I once asked you if you would stay with me if I told you I wanted to give up everything and be with you forever.”

…Did he? Hongyo searched her memory.

“The coronation….”

“When we didn’t see each other for two months.”

Hongyo, who had been searching her memory, let out a small cry of realization, “Ah!” It was the day she had finally managed to pry out of Gamyoung where his hometown was after not seeing him for a long time. Looking back now, even that had been a lie.

I was so worried back then!

How worried she had been, not even knowing it was a lie. That time now felt pathetic. Hongyo tried her best to calm the anger that was threatening to boil up again and looked at Gamyoung. With an attitude that said, keep talking, Gamyoung hesitated for a moment before continuing.

“You just scolded me, asking if I ate something bad.”

Ah, I remember. Hongyo finally recalled that day. She didn’t know if it was because she was so happy to see him after a long time, but he had set a serious mood and suddenly said he wanted to be with her forever, which had surprised her greatly. More than the context of the conversation, his eyes, which looked as if he had made some sort of resolution, were so heavy that she had playfully avoided the answer by asking if he had eaten something bad.

But why was he bringing that up again now? As Hongyo continued to stare, still not understanding, Gamyoung gave her the answer.

“I couldn’t say everything back then because there was so much to hide, but what I really wanted to ask was if you would still be my friend, just like now, even if I revealed that I was royalty.”

At those words, Hongyo thought she could faintly understand why Gamyoung’s eyes had been so heavy that day.

“Back then, I thought that if you found out I was royalty, you would leave me. Of course, you still wouldn’t leave that village, with your grandmother.”

“……”

“You know it too. That you don’t necessarily have to leave a place to grow apart. No matter how much you try to act like before, if a distance forms in your heart, you drift apart.”

His answer flowed smoothly, as if prepared for a very long time. But no matter how he polished his sentences and spoke smoothly, he couldn’t hide the look in his eyes.

Hongyo stared intently at Gamyoung. At a glance, his eyes looked calm and even impassive, but Gamyoung was clearly terrified. The way he carefully chose each and every word while answering nonchalantly, afraid that she might leave him, was proof of that. So were his slightly trembling shoulders and tense jaw muscles.

Seeing all that, Hongyo lost even the energy to be angry. Her intention to say, no matter what you say, the fact that you deceived me doesn’t change, became pointless. Hongyo looked at Gamyoung, who was still quietly awaiting his punishment, and asked.

“So what does me growing distant from you have to do with giving me a government post?”

At that, Gamyoung, who had been answering without hesitation until now, showed a moment of reluctance. But it was only for a moment. It seemed Gamyoung intended to lay bare all his inner thoughts tonight.

“Even if we could no longer remain friends after you found out my identity, if you held an official post, I would at least be able to see you at the palace.”

Of course, that wasn’t the biggest reason. It was unlikely Hongyo would do so, but if by any chance they did grow apart, as long as she was nearby, there would be a chance to meet again.

Hongyo couldn’t hide her shocked expression. Her face seemed to ask, Why go that far?, but Gamyoung had an underlying possessiveness for what was his, so it was unlikely a friend would be an exception. Besides, if his closest friend were to drift away, Gamyoung would do anything to get him back.

Her questions weren’t perfectly resolved, but it seemed Gamyoung had no intention of saying more on the matter. Instead, Hongyo asked the question that had been floating in her mind for a while.

“If you wanted to remain friends, you could have just hidden the fact that you were royalty forever, right? Then we could have just stayed as we are, couldn’t we?”

Just like I live hiding the fact that I am actually a woman. Just like I live committing a far greater deception than you. Then we would be even, each trading one lie. Why choose the most difficult option, while even now being so afraid that we might grow apart, when the easiest choice was right there?

But ironically, Hongyo knew the answer to that best.

“I didn’t want to deceive you anymore. Because I didn’t want to just lie to you anymore.”

His gaze was completely unwavering. His eyes, holding only sincerity, did not show a single shred of falsehood.

“Regardless of status or circumstance, a person needs a place where they can trust and place their heart, don’t they? To do that, I have to show my true self first. Only then can that person decide whether or not to open their heart.”

“……”

“For me, that’s you, Hongyo-ya.”

A sense of déjà vu suddenly washed over her. She recalled what Kyungrak had said about Gamyoung when she met him a few days ago.

‘That child allows me to remain as Kyungrak, not the Emperor. Even if it means holding him back, I too must leave myself some room to breathe.’

The bellicose Kyungrak and the gentle and kind Gamyoung, compared to him, each had their personalities reflected in their appearances. So, when viewed separately, the two had nothing in common, neither in looks nor in personality. But in this place, Hongyo realized a new fact.

The two were so terribly alike, as if to prove they were truly brothers. Although in his methods, Kyungrak, true to his nature, was somewhat rough and coercive, when looking only at the results, Gamyoung was not much different.

Kyungrak, who held her hostage to keep his younger brother from leaving his side, and Gamyoung, who gave her an official post to tie her to the palace out of fear she would grow distant if he told her the truth.

And yet he looked at her with such righteous eyes. Hongyo was dumbfounded. So, the reason he created this mess by revealing his identity was to show that, to Gamyoung, she was the most trustworthy person, and he would no longer deceive her, even going as far as to show all his inner thoughts.

That much was fine. But what was absurd was the idea of keeping her where he could see her, in case she got scared and ran away after he showed all his cards. The heat that had cooled down began to boil again.

She, too, had thought of Gamyoung as her most trustworthy friend. That was why she had participated in the hunting ritual without any expectation of reward. Shouldn’t that be a given for a best friend to whom you could entrust your back? But Gamyoung had already had a hidden agenda since then. It was as if he had dug a trap, waiting for her, in case she ran away, and as soon as she fell in, he had swiftly put her in shackles. He was no different from Kyungrak, who had used her as a hostage to shackle Gamyoung.

At this point, Hongyo felt the same sense of déjà vu she had felt with Kyungrak, now with Gamyoung. Even though Kyungrak had said he was just playing along with Gamyoung’s whims.

“You said you did this because you didn’t want to deceive me, right? But in the end, you deceived me again. Because you knew I would get an official post if I participated in the hunting ritual.”

The form was different, but the essence was the same.

“I never wanted something like this.”

She, who had never even been invited to their game, was moving just as they dictated. That made her so angry she couldn’t stand it. Hongyo, who had been fuming with anger, stood in front of Gamyoung.

“Why do you decide my business on your own without even asking me?”

She herself didn’t even know why this was so infuriating. Hongyo stared quietly at Gamyoung. She wanted to punch him if she could, but she was somehow holding it in. Gamyoung, who had been acting as if he would feign death on the spot if Hongyo told him to, now just looked at Hongyo calmly, without any agitation. It was as if he was protesting that it wasn’t his fault, and just as Hongyo, unable to bear it, was about to clench her fists, Gamyoung spoke.

“And you? Do you really want to live your life just hunting in that place?”

In that moment, her strength drained away. As if asking what he meant, Hongyo looked at Gamyoung. But her wavering gaze already knew the answer.

“Is that really what you want? And not the wish of your grandmother and the Head of the Martial Arts Bureau?”

“Stop it.”

Hongyo cut Gamyoung off, as if she didn’t want to hear it. But Gamyoung didn’t stop.

“You said you’ll live with the Head of the Martial Arts Bureau after your grandmother passes away. Then what about your life? You can’t even get permission from her to leave the capital. So what can you do?”

“I said stop it!”

“No. I wanted to say this at least once. I’m truly sorry for not telling you about the official post. I have no excuse even if I had a hundred mouths. But Hongyo-ya. Is the future you’re thinking of really what you desire?”

Hongyo’s gaze wavered wildly. Until now, Gamyoung hadn’t asked, since it was Hongyo’s situation, but he had inwardly harbored questions about the relationship between Hongyo, her grandmother, and the Head of the Martial Arts Bureau. They said Hongyo’s happiness came first, but her grandmother was extremely afraid of Hongyo disappearing from her sight, and Hongyo, though an adopted child, naturally thought of living her life serving the Head of the Bureau.

‘Things like politics and power are just not for me. I don’t have the head for it either. Besides, I’m not a noble like you, so is there a need for me to take a government post? I’ll just live like this, and when my grandmother passes away, I’ll probably live with my adoptive mother one day.’

It was a day he and Hongyo had been talking about their future. The memory of Hongyo’s face on the day he asked her to buy a boat and leave with him came to mind. The moment her surprised, wide eyes had changed to resignation was still vivid.

‘How can I leave with you? Who would be by my grandmother’s side then? …And she won’t allow it. My adoptive mother wants me to always be where she can see me.’

Hongyo, as she said that, had determined her own fate so matter-of-factly. As if it were her destiny, as if it were the only possible answer.

So Gamyoung said. Hongyo-ya. What is it that’s really tying you down? But instead of asking, Gamyoung conveyed his own self-deprecating, sincere wish.

“I want you to be free.”