Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 49

Maybe because it was snowing, or because they were deep in the mountains, the surroundings were quiet. Hongyo slightly opened the door. The blizzard had stopped at some point, and a serene stillness lingered outside. Despite it being the first snow, it had fallen quite heavily and seemed to have piled up to her shins. The one relief was that the wind wasn’t harsh, so it probably wouldn’t freeze.

It had been a stormy night. The inside of the cabin, where a fire had been lit, was warm, but after the argument that followed, a chill flowed between the two of them for a while. Hongyo quietly gazed at the outside, tinted by the light of dawn. But the eyes looking outside were lost in thought. The quiet scenery made it possible to understand many things. As her emotions calmed, she felt she could somewhat understand why Gamyoung had done what he did.

She didn’t blame Gamyoung for not revealing his identity. As Kyungrak had said, if she were a member of the royal family, she would have thoroughly hidden her status outside as well. Not only was it safer, but it was also the only way to mingle with the common people outside the palace.

Furthermore, she could understand his claim that he couldn’t tell her because he was afraid their relationship would grow distant if he revealed his true identity. If, conversely, she were the royal and Gamyoung was in her current position, it would have been difficult for her to reveal it so readily.

The problem was that he had taken her to the hunting ceremony without any mention of a government post. Of course, she had received an apology for it, so she didn’t want to reproach him any further. No matter how much the emperor refused to permit his resignation, their relationship was that of a senior and junior disciple before it was that of a lord and subject.

Besides, what Kyungrak wanted was for Gamyoung to be by his side, so as long as Gamyoung didn’t leave the palace, there was no need to tie her to the Hwayeonggyeong. Since Gamyoung had started it arbitrarily, if she said she would resign, he would surely grant it. Gamyoung was that kind of person. At least, he wasn’t the kind of master who would force her to do something she disliked.

Rather, it wasn’t Gamyoung who was complicating her thoughts right now. To be precise, it was because of the last thing Gamyoung had said.

‘I want you to be free.’

It was a sentence that even she herself had given up on. When resignation grew strong, a person came to believe it was their destiny. That was the only way to find peace of mind. Otherwise, it would be unbearable.

Come to think of it, have I ever dreamed of my own future? Hongyo thought. But no matter how much she searched her memory, there was nothing she wanted to become. How could she go anywhere, leaving behind her grandmother who was so terribly afraid of her leaving for good? And her adoptive mother, who periodically summoned her to the Hyunjingwan to perform some unknown spell, always urged her to live hidden and unnoticed.

It would be nice if she could at least know the reason, but she hadn’t even been told why she had to live as a boy in the first place, which was just frustrating. Since they told her to live like this, she supposed she had no choice but to live this way. That was why Gamyoung’s words came as an even greater shock.

The reason she felt such resistance to a government post was less about having no ambition and more about the complexity of explaining it to her grandmother and adoptive mother. No, in the first place, isn’t she a girl? She was only… until she came of age… Hongyo, who had been calculating the date, let out a gasp.

“The year has changed.”

Yesterday was the last day, so now she too had reached the respectable coming-of-age. Does that mean I’ve become a woman? But whether a girl or a woman, it was the same that she couldn’t hold a government post. However, she was living as a boy. If so, what is it that I truly want?

In the ambiguous boundary of being neither a woman nor a man, it was difficult to envision a future. Not only did she not know how long she had to live like this, but now that she had even been granted a government post, she couldn’t predict in the slightest what her future would hold.

The melancholy she had buried for a long time reared its head. The surroundings, dyed a deep navy blue, were strangely quiet. The white snow, which seemed to have swallowed all sound, now felt like it would swallow her. Hongyo thought of her own footprints that must be imprinted somewhere out there. She recalled the footprints that had been stamped chaotically as she wandered around, and a shiver went down her spine.

Was I really possessed by a demon? If so, was Gamyoung’s voice calling me really that of a Jangsanbeom?

“What are you doing over there?”

At the voice that came from behind her, Hongyo let out a yelp. At that, Gamyoung looked at Hongyo with even more surprised eyes.

“What are you so startled about?”

“You call out suddenly, you think I wouldn’t be startled?”

As Hongyo glared, Gamyoung scratched the back of his head, looking sheepish.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

He seemed to have already forgotten that they had slept with their backs to each other, angry. Despite the tense and awkward atmosphere remaining after their fight, neither of them were foolish enough to recklessly descend the snow-covered mountain submerged in pitch-black darkness, so they had forced themselves to sleep lying with their backs turned.

Hongyo staggered to her feet and looked at Gamyoung’s back as he poked at the firewood, where the embers had almost died out. He had definitely grown. He had always been tall, but looking at him like this, his shoulders and back were broader than before. Compared to him, she…

Hongyo looked down at herself. Her height might have grown a bit, but she wasn’t sure about the rest. She couldn’t understand what part of her Kyungrak was looking at when he said she’d grown up after seeing her for the first time in a long while, but seeing as Gamyoung’s aura had changed a bit too, it seemed she also looked different to others.

Hongyo looked at Gamyoung again. Not just his back, but his chest had grown bigger too. The memory of being held in that posture yesterday came to mind for no reason, and though no one was watching, Hongyo didn’t know where to look. In the meantime, Gamyoung, having added a few more logs, put a kettle on to boil. Then, he found two or three pieces of dried beef jerky from somewhere. It was thanks to the mountain keeper hired from the village who periodically stopped by to manage the place. Soon, the sound of water boiling could be heard from the kettle. Gamyoung called to Hongyo, who was still sitting by the doorway.

“Close the door and come here. You’ll catch a cold like that.”

As if their big fight yesterday was all a dream, he had returned to his usual gentle Cha Gamyoung. Hongyo watched his actions and then accepted the cup of water he handed her. As the warmth seeped into her palm, she felt her complicated thoughts begin to settle.

“What are you thinking so hard about so early in the morning?”

Gamyoung asked, sitting down next to Hongyo. Gamyoung asked as if it were nothing, but he was secretly nervous that it might become an extension of yesterday. Sure enough, Hongyo brought up what happened yesterday.

“About yesterday. Was I really possessed by a demon?”

But at the unexpected words, Gamyoung almost burst out laughing, but seeing Hongyo looking at him as if genuinely curious, he quickly fixed his expression and said.

“It can happen when your body temperature drops drastically. They say your mind gets foggy and you can’t tell heaven from earth. I saw it in a book on military strategy.”

As if to deliberately reassure her, Hongyo nodded at his calm voice. Glancing at her, Gamyoung gently bit his lip. It wasn’t a sentiment that fit the situation, but Yeo Hongyo, holding the cup he gave her and nodding with a blanket wrapped around her, was, honestly, a little cute.

“But how did you find me?”

Hongyo was genuinely curious. It was a mountain covered in snow. And in the pitch-black darkness. Unless someone climbed the mountain on a clear morning like she did, no one would climb it on a snowy night. Thinking about it now, Gamyoung finding her was a stroke of luck like no other, but she had no idea why this kid had come here.

“I told you I’d explain everything. I tried to come as fast as I could, but there was so much government work that I was held up for several days, so I went to your house yesterday. I figured you’d be down soon, but no matter how long I waited, you didn’t come. And then it started to snow.”

“…”

“How could I not come?”

Hongyo replied.

“Still, it was reckless. You shouldn’t climb a snowy mountain carelessly.”

“I know. But you would’ve done the same, wouldn’t you?”

Hongyo met Gamyoung’s gaze as he stared at her. His eyes, which sought an answer, were filled with conviction. Hongyo looked at his eyes, then turned her head away. It was the same Gamyoung she saw every day, but her heart felt strangely tingly.

“You’re weird. Sometimes you’re really smart, but other times you’re really dumb.”

“Is that any way to talk to your savior?”

“Well. If we’re counting who saved whom, I’m one step ahead.”

Trivial words were exchanged amidst the crackling sound of the bonfire. As if their fight yesterday had all been a lie. But the main topic was yet to come. A tension, both familiar and somehow probing, flowed between them. Hongyo spoke.

“Thank you. For saving me yesterday. If it weren’t for you, I would have frozen to death yesterday.”

The moment she saw Gamyoung approaching with a torch was a memory she would never forget. In that moment, Gamyoung was the only light in the pitch-black mountain. His eyes that widened in shock upon seeing her, his agitated voice, and even his trembling hand that grabbed her arm were all etched into her memory as if carved into her entire being. Recalling that moment, Hongyo spoke softly.

“Then was it you who called me?”

“Yes. Who else would it have been but me?”

“What? It wasn’t the Jangsanbeom?”

“What kind of nonsense is that?”

While chiding her, Gamyoung burst out laughing, as if finding it absurd. Hongyo was about to tell Gamyoung, who was laughing so hard his shoulders were shaking, to stop, but her tension eased and she ended up laughing with him. For a while, the sound of their laughter spread through the cabin before dying down. It was then that Gamyoung asked casually.

“Hongyo-ya. Do you find me difficult to be around?”

What? Hongyo was about to ask, but she realized what he meant. When he was just a young master, she could act familiar with him, but now Gamyoung was a member of the royal family. Realizing this fact anew, she suddenly felt that wall between them. The atmosphere, which had been light enough for them to laugh while facing each other just moments ago, grew heavy. Gamyoung watched Hongyo’s reaction. Hongyo, finding it difficult to answer easily, avoided his gaze and poked at the kindling for no reason.

“It would be a lie to say I wasn’t surprised. Hwayeong-what? Anyway, it’s surprising enough that you’re my superior, but you’re a prince.”

“…Kyungrak-hyungnim was the Crown Prince, too.”

“Ah, are you saying that’s the same thing?”

What’s so different? Gamyoung muttered quietly. Hongyo looked at Gamyoung and her lips parted. Though she said that, thinking about it now, it would have been stranger if Kyungrak wasn’t the Crown Prince. Looking at him back then, and thinking about it now that they’ve met again, Kyungrak was a born emperor.

As Hongyo fell silent, Gamyoung also closed his mouth. A brief silence fell, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. They had known each other for so long that even this kind of time felt comfortable. So, even if she felt a wall, it was obvious it would crumble soon enough.

“Gamyoung-ah. If you weren’t my dear friend, would you have come to save me in that blizzard? I even threw myself at a tiger to save you.”

“…”

“Just because you’re a royal doesn’t mean the moment we first met when we were thirteen disappears.”

It was the answer he had wished for the most, the one he had dreamed of the most. Gamyoung looked at Hongyo for a while without a word. An indescribable, surging emotion rang in his heart.

At that cheesy gaze, Hongyo looked back at Gamyoung. What? Are you moved? She was definitely about to say that. But Hongyo unwittingly shut her mouth. Gamyoung’s gaze, looking at her, went beyond being moved and held countless emotions. As if desperately suppressing those intensely rising, explosive feelings, Gamyoung’s Adam’s apple bobbed heavily.

Hongyo took in his gaze completely before awkwardly turning her head away. Lately, there was something a bit strange about Gamyoung. Of course, from Gamyoung’s perspective, it must have been the dilemma of a lifetime, so it wasn’t that she didn’t understand.

“Can I ask one last thing?”

Hongyo finally brought up the last question she had wanted to ask since yesterday.

“Why are you going to such lengths to keep me by your side?”

Even for a dear friend, she was curious about the psychology behind wanting to keep her by his side, even if it meant taking away her freedom from Kyungrak.

“That’s because…”

Hongyo looked at Gamyoung. But Gamyoung, who had opened his mouth, couldn’t say anything. It wasn’t because he had nothing to say, but because there was so much that his mind was a jumble. The reasons were too many. Because seeing you makes me happy, because I worry and miss you when you’re not around, because I want to laugh with you, because when you’re next to me I want to lean on you and let you lean on me, because I want you to do what you love without limit, because I want you to sparkle every day.

Gamyoung ultimately closed his mouth. Even when Hongyo pressed for an answer, Gamyoung, frozen, turned his head and rubbed his cheeks, which were flushed from the heat of the bonfire. His heart pounded like crazy, just as it had when he heard that Hongyo had climbed the mountain on a snowy night. It was similar to how he felt when he had rushed into the mountains without a second thought.

But he had already known the answer from the moment he found Hongyo on the snowy mountain—no, from the day Hongyo saved him from the tiger and pressed her forehead against his on the sickbed.

He was in love with Yeo Hongyo.