Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 51

Why do I get so nervous whenever I stand in front of this door? It’s been over ten years since I started coming and going from Hyunjingwan, but I was still afraid. The incantations, which were nothing but painful, were part of it, but when I saw my adoptive mother, it felt like there was a line I could never cross. Her gaze and attitude always seemed to draw a line, as if to say, ‘I have taken you under my wing, so I will fulfill that duty, but I will not give you any personal affection.’ Seeing this door always made me tense up without realizing it.

That was why, this time too, I took a deep breath and steeled myself. My mind was especially in turmoil today, thinking she must have summoned me for a different reason than usual. Hongyo tried to calm her heart and spoke.

“Mugwanjang-nim. I’m here.”

Then, as if she had been waiting, the door opened more hastily than usual. To Hongyo’s further surprise, the young shamaness who always opened the door was nowhere to be seen; it was Mohyun who opened it himself. Not only that, but Mohyun pulled Hongyo inside and pushed her into the room, his eyes fiercer and more savage than any she had ever seen.

“Have you lost your mind?”

It was a low voice, yet filled with palpable rage. A voice trembling with so much anger, down to his very breath, that it made one doubt if the person before her was truly that Mugwanjang, so openly was he displaying his emotions. Before the bewildered Hongyo could say anything at this first-time sight of Mohyun, he spoke first.

“Hwayoungkyung? Is a government post even plausible in your situation?”

At those words, Hongyo shut her mouth.

“I should have stopped you when you said you were entering the martial competition. If I had known this was all a scheme by the Sixth Royal Brother, I would have never let you go, no matter what.”

Mohyun slumped into a chair with a weary expression, as if the mere thought made his head spin. Because of this, he didn’t see the way Hongyo’s face hardened in that moment. After a brief silence, as if organizing his thoughts, Mohyun cut to the chase, wanting to say no more.

“I heard what happened. Resign immediately.”

It was a firm and clear command. An absolute order, with no regard for Hongyo’s own opinion, that, as always, presented the best solution. Of course, there would be friction with the Emperor in the process, but it was nothing compared to what would happen if Hongyo were revealed to be a woman. So, there was only one answer. For Hongyo to step down from that position. That was the only solution.

But the answer he expected to hear, the one that always came in acquiescence, did not come. In that void, the back of Mohyun’s neck grew cold. At last, thinking ‘surely not,’ he looked at Hongyo, who had a different look in her eyes than ever before.

“What if I don’t want to?”

It was a completely unexpected reply. Mohyun stared at Hongyo, dumbfounded. This was a child who had never once disobeyed his orders. And that child was disobeying him for the first time. Even while trembling so wretchedly, her gaze met his without a hint of retreat.

“What is that supposed to…”

“I’ve lived as a man all this time anyway. No one knows I’m a woman, so what does it matter…”

But Hongyo couldn’t continue her sentence. From the two hands gripping her arm, she felt an unbelievably strong pressure. But what was more frightening than the pain that made her brow furrow was the look in Mohyun’s eyes.

“Shut your mouth.”

It wasn’t an angry tone, nor a voice expressing fury. Rather, the voice was like a whisper, lowered as much as possible as it quietly pierced the air. But his eyes, despite there being only the two of them in this space, were darting around as if looking at something other than Hongyo. His highly alert eyes scanned the surroundings frantically before finally locking onto Hongyo. At the same time, Mohyun’s voice bored into her ear.

“The palace is a place with many listening ears everywhere. If you speak carelessly, your head and mine will fly.”

The softly whispered voice was so cautious that no one but Hongyo could have heard it, as if he was terrified of something. Only after Hongyo nodded did Mohyun let her go. But his gaze remained as fierce and sharp as ever.

“There’s no need to think about it further. This is all to protect you.”

To Hongyo, who had only ever seen the always calm and composed Mohyun, this side of him was unfamiliar, but this too must be a part of his true self. Above all, she was not ignorant of the fact that Mohyun was acting this way for her sake. Though he was always a seemingly indifferent and unaffectionate adoptive mother, all the orders Mohyun had given her until now had been for her benefit. She had never once suffered harm by following his words.

No matter how much he withheld his affection, it was Mohyun who had ultimately taken care of her when she was injured in the hunting ritual. Though he might not extend a hand, he was someone who would turn back if she fell behind while following him. Wasn’t that why she had followed this absurd charade of being a man all this time? She had followed him her entire life, so it was right to follow what Mohyun was saying now, too.

But for some reason, the single phrase “I understand” wouldn’t come out, as if it were caught in her throat. Instead, the words that came after a long silence overlapped with something Gamyoung had once said to her.

“I want to live the way I want to, too.”

“……”

“If I’m going to live as a man anyway, I want to be acknowledged by those who need me.”

Her heart pounded so hard as she said it that Hongyo felt like she would suffocate. A pressure like her lungs were being squeezed blocked her throat, but Hongyo did not avoid Mohyun’s gaze. Had she ever once spoken her mind in front of Mohyun? No, before that, had she ever dared to defy his orders?

Even in a situation so terrifying it made her tremble with fear, Hongyo could not erase the words Gamyoung had said.

‘I want you to be free.’

Among the countless words that brushed past her ears, some sentences could never be forgotten. For Hongyo, those words were like that. It was because of them that she had spent nights pondering what freedom even was.

Who am I, what kind of being am I, what do I want, what do I want to become. The nights spent thinking about such things were frightening, yet they made her heart race. So, at the end of that deep contemplation, Hongyo could not bring herself to choose resignation. It was painful, knowing it was the best and right answer, yet being unable to easily choose it. But now that she had awakened to a dream, she wanted to walk that path, even if it was the wrong answer.

Mohyun gazed quietly at Hongyo. While fearing to oppose him, and thus clenching her fists so pathetically and trembling, she never averted her gaze. It was pitiable, yet at the same time, he was proud.

‘You’ve grown.’

Did they say children grow up fast? The child, now an adult, was no longer the child he had wanted to keep in his arms and live with eyes covered. A strange ripple formed in his heart, which had only wished for her to live quietly and without trouble. Watching a child who had grown up was truly a strange feeling. He wasn’t even her biological mother, yet he felt both proud and a little sad that the child had grown up like this and was now defying him.

Mohyun was momentarily lost in thought. The bewilderment and responsibility he felt while holding the baby who hadn’t even opened its eyes, and at the same time, the sorrow and resentment toward his dying friend, all came rushing in like a tide, only to disappear quietly as always.

His reverie ended, and Mohyun finally spoke. His demeanor as he looked at Hongyo was completely different from a moment ago when he had anxiously revealed his inner thoughts. He had returned to his usual self, with calm, settled eyes and a dispassionate attitude.

“If that is truly your will, then do as you please.”

At that answer, Hongyo’s eyes widened. With eyes that revealed her thoughts so clearly, what could she possibly hide?

Mohyun looked at Hongyo, who, despite having grown, was still so naive, and spoke.

“However, I will not stand by idly either.”

As the child looked at him again with innocent confusion at his cryptic words, Mohyun said,

“I will have to make sure to drag you down from that position.”

For that was his responsibility, and his promise.

˖°⛩️⋆˙️

‘I will have to make sure to drag you down from that position.’

Hongyo chewed over those words several times. But the more she did, the more she was hurt. Of course, she knew that Mohyun didn’t mean it with ill intent. First of all, she was a woman, so if that fact were to be revealed, not only she, but Mohyun and her grandmother could also be in danger. Thinking about it this way made her heart feel not just heavy, but guilty.

But even so, the only people who knew she was a woman were herself, Mohyun, and her grandmother. No one else knew. Not even her closest friend, Gamyoung. The thought made her feel sorry toward Gamyoung, who had revealed everything, but this secret had to be kept until she died. Perhaps she only had to hide it until Mohyun told her the reason when the time came.

Whatever the circumstances, looking only at the result, Mohyun had essentially permitted her to take the official post. And so, Hongyo was now packing her things. Not all the military officials in Hwayoungkyung lived together in the dormitories, but it was customary for new recruits to stay there. She had been deeply worried she might have to share a room with several others, but fortunately, she was told she would be given her own room since Hwayoungkyung selected only a small, elite group. Well, since they were a gathering of young noble masters, they couldn’t be treated carelessly. The thought was irritating, but for someone who had to hide her identity, it was a relief.

The only thing weighing on her mind was…

“Are you all packed?”

Hongyo was startled by the voice from beyond the door and hid the wooden box. It wasn’t as if her grandmother would know what was inside, but for some reason, she felt she had to, and just as she hastily put the box away, her grandmother opened the door.

“What are you doing? You’ll make the Mugwanjang-nim wait! Hurry up and get ready.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“How long did he say you’ll be gone this time?”

“Um, I won’t be able to see you for three months.”

At that, her grandmother’s expression immediately darkened. Seeing that, Hongyo’s mood wasn’t great either. Her adoptive mother, being the Mugwanjang, would have known about the royal edict before she even said anything, but it was different for her grandmother. To her grandmother, who thought she had just gone to the imperial palace on Mohyun’s summons, Hongyo couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth. And so, Hongyo told another lie. And for her grandmother, who believed in anything the Mugwanjang did, she was now rushing her to leave, hearing that Mohyun needed her.

But to think it would be for three whole months. Seeing her grandmother’s openly crestfallen face, Hongyo felt a pang in her heart. Still, they only summoned you at the beginning; if you adapted well, those who lived nearby were apparently allowed to go home after work, so she figured she could probably return home around then. Hongyo glanced at her grandmother and shouldered her luggage.

“Don’t worry too much. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Why would I worry when the Mugwanjang-nim is looking after you? You just make sure to listen to him.”

The gruff voice was just like her grandmother. Her worries slightly eased by that voice, Hongyo was heading out of the courtyard. Her grandmother, who had followed her out to the end to arrange her luggage, said,

“Stay healthy and come back well. Don’t go wandering around and catching the eye of His Majesty or any high-ranking people.”

“…Am I a kid? To just wander around.”

“In your grandma’s eyes, you’re still very much a kid.”

As she spoke, her grandmother was still fussing with the luggage. It was all packed, so there was nothing left to arrange, but still. Anyone could see it was the touch of someone reluctant to let go. Hongyo gazed at her grandmother quietly. Then, her grandmother took Hongyo’s hand and said,

“Be careful not to catch a cold. You must come back in good health.”

“Okay. You too, Grandma.”

After that, her grandmother just looked at Hongyo without a word. She hadn’t said anything about the edict or the official post, but the gaze she fixed on her was so deep. Looking into those eyes, Hongyo’s heart ached again.

“Grandma. I have to go.”

So she purposefully pulled her hand away from her grandmother’s grasp. Her grandmother, who had been holding her granddaughter’s hand for so long, carefully let go. Hongyo deliberately waved her hand even bigger.

“I’m leaving now!”

It was her first time living on her own.