Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 50

How many experiences in life can be said to have shaken the very axis of your world?

For Gamyoung, every day had been filled with such a feeling lately. It was the moment the ticklish emotion he had been trying to suppress whenever he saw Hongyo after the hunting ceremony blossomed into self-awareness. Perhaps because it was an emotion he had once pushed away, there was no confusion anymore.

He was afraid to meet her, yet he wanted to see her when she was gone; he was terribly anxious, yet worried that he might have disappointed her; when he heard she was on the snow-covered mountain, he instantly lost his head and ran to the mountain. If it had been anyone else, he would have thought more coolly, like forming a rescue team. But the person in question was Hongyo. His feet moved before his head could comprehend. Just as Hongyo had said, it was incredibly reckless and something he would never normally do.

It was an emotion that couldn’t be explained if it wasn’t love. But between two men… He couldn’t even find something like this in the popular romance novels he saw in the common folk’s homes. If so, was this feeling wrong? According to what he had secretly looked up in a bookstore in the village, when heaven created life, it formed all things through the combination of yin and yang, so it was natural for them to be drawn to each other.

But weren’t both he and Hongyo the same, men? If so, shouldn’t they not be drawn to each other? Of course, Hongyo wouldn’t have the slightest clue that he harbored such feelings, so the idea of them being mutually attracted was absurd. But thinking that made his heart so gloomy he couldn’t bear it.

Gamyoung thought of the women he had seen so far. Among the customers who came to see him at the cloth shop, there were women who had subtly shown interest in Gamyoung, but he couldn’t remember any of them. It wasn’t like he went to the gisaeng houses either, so the only woman he really knew was Sujin. But when he thought of Sujin, it was definitely not this kind of feeling. Of course, Sujin was gentle and kind, but separate from her being a good person, just thinking of her didn’t make his heart swell and ache like this.

Then do I like men? Gamyoung thought of a few of the boys at the dojang, then scrunched up his face as if he didn’t want to think about it anymore. So, Hongyo was the only one who made him feel this way. Gamyoung let out a deep sigh. At that, the former prince, who was personally picking flowers in the garden, looked back at him.

“Hyung-nim. You’re going to make the ground sink.”

The former prince, who was now only nine years old, was a child the late emperor had in his later years. Thanks to that, the child, who had monopolized the love of his brothers, had the air of someone who had only ever received love. Gamyoung looked at his youngest brother, who had followed him to the garden to cool his head. In his tiny fist was a handful of freshly picked flowers. Gamyoung looked at the child and said.

“Are you going to give those to your mother?”

He teased the boy, who looked cute with his lips pouted in concentration, trying to carry so much in his tiny hands. But the youngest brother’s reply was dumbfounding.

“I already gave some to Mother. These flowers are for Seonju.”

“Who’s Seonju?”

“My dear friend.”

Then he picked the flowers with considerable care. When Gamyoung asked the nanny who always accompanied the youngest brother, she discreetly replied, ‘He is the former prince’s study companion.’ A study companion would be a boy.

“Do boys like flowers too?”

At that, the former prince’s eyes widened as he asked.

“Is there a law that says you cannot give flowers to a boy?”

His face, asking with such innocence, looked genuinely surprised. Gamyoung shook his head.

“No. There’s nothing like that.”

“Then that’s fine. If he was the kind of friend who would dislike something I prepared so earnestly for such a reason, I wouldn’t have given it to him in the first place.”

At those words, Gamyoung let out a soft gasp.

Thus, Gamyoung looked down at the ornament lying on his palm.

“I did my best to make it as you commissioned, but does it please you?”

The artisan was the most skilled in the capital city, so his craftsmanship needed no further mention. Gamyoung couldn’t know what he was thinking when he ordered this ornament before Hongyo received the royal edict. Back then, it was an impulsive gift prepared out of a desire to support a dear friend who would soon be appointed to a government post, but now, he wondered if that was truly all there was to it.

In particular, the chrysanthemum pattern in the center of the decoration was a flower he had once embroidered on a training robe he gifted Hongyo, meaning an exceedingly outstanding friend, but its other meaning was…

‘Its other meaning is ga-u (佳友), which refers to a beautiful and lovely person.’

For some reason, he had been tempted by those words and chosen the pattern. Gamyoung paid a more generous price than when he first commissioned the piece and took the ornament in his hand. Tassels hung long below the chrysanthemum pattern carved into a yellow amber that resembled Hongyo’s light-colored eyes. A texture softer than silk flowed through his fingers. Since it was an ornament to be hung on a sword hilt, he had thought of preparing something simple, but when he actually placed the order, he wanted to give her the most magnificent one.

‘To think I considered him just a friend, even after all this.’

Gamyoung smiled bitterly. Now that he realized his feelings, everything was a contradiction. Preparing a congratulatory gift knowing Hongyo disliked taking a government post, wanting to give him the most precious and best among them, and even engraving a meaning only he knew within the gift—could this be possible if not for love?

However, separate from his fluttering and pounding heart, he intended to hide this feeling. In the first place, was it even plausible for a man to love another man? Hongyo would be horrified if he found out. If his long-time dear friend found out that he was actually in love with him…

It was a situation difficult to even imagine. Hongyo was, before being someone he loved, a dear friend and a trustworthy person, and he was too deeply ingrained in his daily life. Therefore, there would be no revealing of his heart. If he lost Hongyo by revealing his feelings, the heartbreak was something he didn’t even want to imagine. So, all he could do now was to give a gift engraved with feelings Hongyo would never know. But that alone was fine. It was better to kill his own heart than to lose him.

But contrary to his resolve, there was nothing he could do about the aching in his heart. Instead, Gamyoung soothed that feeling by clenching the ornament in his hand tightly. As if it were his very heart for Hongyo.

˖°⛩️⋆˙️

It was late at night. After confirming her grandmother was asleep, Hongyo carefully opened the door so as not to wake her and headed to the backyard. Like a cat chasing a mouse, she even silenced her presence and tiptoed to a wall made of stacked stones. Peeking around to see if anyone was there in the middle of the night, Hongyo removed a stone from the wall. It was a rather heavy and wide stone, and as she grunted and moved it aside, a wooden box she had hidden inside came into view.

Quickly grabbing it, Hongyo retraced her steps as carefully as she had come. Then, she went into her room and, lest anyone see, locked the door handle tightly. But even after that, Hongyo stared at the wooden box as if afraid for a while, before opening it as if her mind was made up.

Click. When she opened the lid of the box, the robes bestowed by the emperor were inside. The uniform given to the military officers of the Hwayeonggyeong was more ornate than the clothes worn by other officers, but Hongyo, unaware of this fact, could only wonder how one was supposed to fight in this.

No matter how she looked at it, it didn’t seem like her own clothes. Though she had definitely received the edict and the clothes directly from Kyungrak that day, it felt like a uniform she should not be wearing. Hongyo couldn’t even bring herself to take the clothes out. She just stared at it as if she shouldn’t dare let even her fingertips touch it, then flinched and slammed the box shut at the sound of her grandmother’s cough. But with some lingering attachment, her hand caressed the wooden box forlornly.

Hongyo was lost in thought as she looked at the box. If I wear these clothes and go to the palace again, will I be able to show my skills? At that thought, her heart pounded. But that was something that could never happen.

‘If I say I’ll resign, will Gamyoung be disappointed?’

Hongyo recalled what Gamyoung had said that day. To her question of why he wanted to keep her by his side so badly, Gamyoung, who had trailed off with “That’s because…,” had given the rather anticlimactic answer of “Because you’re my dear friend?”. To think he’d go to such lengths just for the reason of being a friend, he might be disappointed even if he didn’t say it. Her anger at Gamyoung hadn’t fully subsided, but that was a separate matter from wanting to see him disappointed.

‘Will I have a reason to go to the palace again?’

But the next day, Hongyo had to prepare to go to the palace.

“Hongyo-ya. The Mugwanjang-nim is summoning you.”

She had never been so nervous on her way to the Hyunjingwan. They said rumors in the palace traveled faster than a running horse. Therefore, it was impossible that the news of her receiving a government post hadn’t reached the Hyunjingwan by now. Even on her way to meet Mohyun, Hongyo found it utterly difficult to sort out her thoughts. She was certain Mohyun would advise her to resign from this absurd situation, and she also thought that was the right thing to do.

But why was it so difficult to utter those words? The path to meet Mohyun was never a pleasant one, but her adoptive mother being difficult was one thing, and this was another problem entirely. In the meantime, she arrived at the palace. After showing her pass, Hongyo stood familiarly before the Mugwanjang’s quarters in the innermost part of the Hyunjingwan and took a deep breath.

Although she was her adoptive mother whom she had seen since she was very young, Mohyun had always been a difficult person for her. She was someone whose thoughts she could never fathom, whose intentions for adopting her as a son she could never understand. She simply followed her adoptive mother’s orders as her adopted son, but one thing was certain.

“Mugwanjang-nim. I’m here.”

At her words, the doors opened from both sides as if they had been waiting. But today, instead of sitting at the altar as usual, sharp words pierced her ears.

“I’ve heard. Resign at once.”

His face was as cold as his sharp voice. She hadn’t expected praise or recognition. It was only right to step down from the post now, rather than be punished for her identity as a woman being revealed. Her adoptive mother, though she gave her no affection, was not someone who would ever harm her. That much was certain. Knowing that fact, she had trusted and followed him until now. Even when he cast unknown spells on her every time, even though she had to live as a man despite being a woman.

He was the one who had taken care of her when she was injured on the day she chased the tiger, the one who had provided a home for her and her grandmother to live, and the one who, since she was too young to remember, had at least allowed her the minimal space to follow quietly, even if he never held her hand.

But for some reason, Hongyo couldn’t readily answer his words. And as if that silence were an ominous sign, Mohyun’s face hardened. Hongyo parted her lips.

“What if I don’t want to?”

Gamyoung’s voice overlapped with the words coming out of her own mouth.

‘I want you to be free.’

“I also want to live the way I want.”