Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 71

“Finally, going home!”

Everyone had been busily packing since morning, and as soon as they finished breakfast, they hurriedly left Hwayeonggyeong. Since it was the first vacation they received after two months of entering Hwayeonggyeong, it would be strange not to be excited. However, among them, Hongyo wore a bit of a tearful face. It wasn’t that she wasn’t glad about her foster mother’s message telling her to visit during the end of the month to coincide with the vacation, but Hongyo missed her grandmother very much. No matter how much she had chosen to enter Hwayeonggyeong on her own, there was no helping the longing.

Hongyo looked at those leaving the gates of Hwayeonggyeong with envious eyes before slowly preparing to head out. Even if they were in the same Imperial Palace, she was ultimately an outsider in Hyunjingwan. Changing into silk casual clothes like those leaving through that gate, instead of the taoist robes she wore in Hwayeonggyeong for the first time in a while, Hongyo left the dormitory, and just then, Yeoryeong, who was seeing off their peers, recognized her and called out.

“Your luggage is rather simple for someone going home?”

Hongyo looked at Yeoryeong, who noticed it like a ghost, and spun the excuse she had prepared.

“I’m just going to a relative’s house for a quick errand.”

And then she asked Yeoryeong, who was still wearing his taoist robes.

“You said your home is far away, right?”

“That’s right. It takes a whole day just to get there.”

Since they had to return by Jin hour (辰時: 7 AM to 9 AM) tomorrow, going back and forth to one’s hometown was practically impossible unless one lived near the Four Great Gates.

“It’s a vacation after a while, so it must be a shame.”

At those words, Yeoryeong smiled ambiguously.

“Is this the only vacation? If we get a longer one next time, I can go then.”

And then, as if it had become a habit by now, he draped his arm over Hongyo’s shoulder.

“Is your relative’s house near here?”

“Huh? Well, yes.”

It wasn’t a relative’s house but Hyunjingwan, but since it was within the same Imperial Palace, it was near enough. Then, with sparkling eyes, Yeoryeong practically hugged Hongyo and suddenly thrust his face forward. As Hongyo drew her face back in surprise, Yeoryeong spoke with narrowed eyes.

“Then you must have time this evening as well.”

“Probably?”

When Hongyo nodded absentmindedly, Yeoryeong grinned and patted Hongyo on the back.

“Understood. I’ll keep that in mind for now.”

What does he mean he understands? However, as if he was already done with his business, Yeoryeong said, “See you this evening then,” and turned his steps toward the others who were calling for him.

“What’s that about…?”

Hongyo looked at Yeoryeong with a bewildered face, then hurriedly stepped out of the gate at the words of the clerk asking if she was leaving Hwayeonggyeong.

The last time she saw her foster mother was when she went to get permission to enter Hwayeonggyeong, so it had been a little over two months now. Since she had visited Mohyun at least once every half a year, they were meeting quite soon this time. Hongyo stood in front of Cheongmudang and let out a long breath.

Whenever she met Mohyun, feelings of gladness and fear always came together. No matter how much she had never truly given her affection, was she not the only existence she could call mother nonetheless? Of course, Mohyun had never once told her to call her mother, nor had she permitted her to call her that, but there was no helping the affection built over a long time.

However, apart from the glad feelings, the fear was greater today. Receiving a spell every few months, whose purpose she didn’t even know, always hurt, so it was always scary, but today, facing Mohyun herself was a bit harder than the physical pain. Since that was the first time in her life she had ever gone against Mohyun’s wishes. Controlling her breathing, Hongyo entered Cheongmudang, and the young shamaness who opened the door as always stepped aside.

“I’m here.”

“Yes. You arrived early.”

However, making her tension pale in comparison, Mohyun was no different from usual. At the attitude that was blunt but allowed her close only to a strictly fixed degree, Hongyo felt relieved while secretly reading Mohyun’s countenance. Yet, without any particular words, Mohyun merely guided Hongyo to the altar as always. Naturally sitting inside the altar, Hongyo spoke to Mohyun, who was preparing the ritual.

“I, during that time, well…”

“We are in the middle of a ritual. Let us talk later.”

Cutting her off at once, Mohyun soon began to chant the spell. Then, seeing the now-familiar blue light envelop her body, Hongyo closed her eyes. Before the pain, which was familiar but could never become intimate, arrived.

“Phew… Gasp…”

Without even being able to wipe the cold sweat flowing on her forehead, Hongyo barely sat on the chair Mohyun offered. There was a clear difference in pain. The worse her physical condition was that day, or the longer the period since she last received the ritual, the more severe the pain that followed. However, she could not understand for what reason it was this painful today, even though her condition was good and it had only been two months since she last received the ritual.

Mohyun handed a cup of tea to Hongyo, who was having an exceptionally harder time today.

“Drink. It will calm you down.”

Just as she said, taking a sip of the tea made her calm down bit by bit.

“Thank you.”

However, her two hands holding the teacup were still trembling, albeit faintly. Mohyun looked at Hongyo and said calmly,

“It must have been a bit difficult today. Since I am no longer in a situation where I can call you whenever I have time, it could not be helped if the spell was not to fade for a while.”

Although she couldn’t know what that spell was, Hongyo did not ask further, as always. Instead, she subtly brought up what she had wanted to ask for a long time.

“When I said I was entering Hwayeonggyeong, you said you would definitely drag me out of there, Chief of the Shaman Court.”

“…….”

“Is that thought still unchanged?”

Of course, if it was Mohyun, it would naturally be so, but still, wasn’t she getting along well in her own way after entering Hwayeonggyeong? She had even taken first place in her own right. Since she was someone who knew about the vacations received from Hwayeonggyeong, she likely wouldn’t be ignorant of the news that she had taken first place.

“Yes. There is not the slightest change in that thought.”

But as if telling her not to harbor even a shred of expectation, Mohyun cut her off at once.

“Right now, you still seem to not know how dangerous you are, and that you only think of yourself. Are you asking because you do not know that with one wrong step, not only your life, mine, and your grandmother’s, but several other lives could fly away? If you knew your situation, you should absolutely never have done such a thing.”

It was a cold and realistic story, just like her icy tone. However, even if she understood it with her head, she couldn’t understand why she felt so hurt. Of course, every single thing Mohyun was saying right now was correct. But if she was that worried…

“Then you shouldn’t have raised me as a man in the first place.”

“You, where do you get off saying such a thing!”

Who was the one who made her like this? Having made her live as a man despite being born with a woman’s body until now, she tells her not to dream. Having made her live without even knowing the reason, she tells her she must not do what a man does. Because that was sorrowful, Hongyo raised her voice at Mohyun for the first time without realizing it.

“Was it not you who made me like this, Chief of the Shaman Court? While not even letting me know the reason why I must live in this body in the first place, haven’t you only told me no to everything I want to do?”

“…….”

“Is what you truly wish from me, Chief of the Shaman Court, for me to do nothing, wish for nothing, and not dream any dreams?”

She didn’t even wish for praise. She just wanted her to acknowledge her a little bit, to know that she was a person who could have dreams too. She hoped she would recognize that desperate heart even just a little. Of course, considering her situation where she had to risk her life for it, Mohyun’s words were a hundred times correct, but still, just for once… just this once…

However, Mohyun, who had composed her expression before anyone noticed, replied without batting an eye.

“Yes. I wish for you to live like you are dead in that manner. Could you not just live quietly, doing nothing and staying out of everything?”

It was a harsh tone, but her eyes certainly held worry.

“The reason I raised you as a boy will all be told to you when the time comes. When that time comes, you too will understand why I had no choice but to go this far.”

It was the most affectionate words Mohyun could offer. Would she herself have wanted to raise that child like that? Although the child might deny it, Mohyun could pride herself on being the person whose heart burned the most when thinking of Hongyo. However, Hongyo was slowly reaching her limit.

“When on earth is that time? Why do you tell me only to understand while teaching me nothing? Just until when am I supposed to wait and endure?”

If it were usual, she would have stopped long ago. However, strangely today, all of this was so sorrowful and infuriating that it was hard to bear. Hongyo looked at Mohyun, who, unlike before, made no reply, and bowed her head as if resigned.

“I apologize for being discourteous. But Chief of the Shaman Court, I really like how things are now. Because until now, I have never done what I thought I wanted to do like this.”

“…….”

“There will absolutely be nothing for you to worry about. Because I also know how far I should go.”

I will be heading back for today. Having finished her greeting, Hongyo turned her back and walked out. Through the gap of the closing door, Hongyo locked eyes with Mohyun, who was quietly watching her. Yet, until that door closed completely, Mohyun never held Hongyo back.

When she stepped out of Cheongmudang, more time had passed than she thought. Leaving the gates, Hongyo pondered where to go for a moment. However, at this hour, it was difficult to go see her grandmother, and she didn’t want to go out and look around the marketplace like those who remained in Hwayeonggyeong. Nor did she want to return to Hwayeonggyeong right away.

Thus, Hongyo walked aimlessly along the outskirts of the Imperial Palace. She had no place in particular to go, nor any place she wanted to go, but it was because she felt her mood would sink boundlessly if she returned to Hwayeonggyeong and shut herself in her room. However, since she must not mistakenly set foot in the quarters where the court ladies lived or where the imperial family resided, the only places she could ultimately go were the pathways she had been to before.

Before she knew it, she had arrived in front of the Forest of Vanishing Shadows. The forest, located a bit away from the Imperial Palace, exuded a bizarre atmosphere even in the middle of the day, so now, when the sun was about to set, it looked even more secretive.

‘Does that forest not even have birds?’

Hongyo blankly stared at the forest where not even a bird flapping its wings above the trees could be seen. Under the sky blanketed by twilight, darkness slowly spread from the edge of the forest. Was it called mountain mist? It was said that at this hour, one could not distinguish whether what was approaching from beyond was a dog or a wolf. Looking at that forest, Hongyo suddenly felt she understood the reason why it was named the Forest of Vanishing Shadows. A forest so dense that even shadows could not be seen. Right now, it felt like nothing would be surprising even if it emerged from inside there.

After looking at the forest while lost in thought for a long time, Hongyo turned her steps and returned to Hwayeonggyeong before it grew darker. As soon as she did, as if he had been waiting, Yeoryeong, who was standing at the main gate of Hwayeonggyeong, draped his arm over Hongyo’s shoulder.

“Why are you only coming now? I’ve been looking for you for ages.”

A face full of excitement suddenly approached. At the same time, a familiar voice was heard from behind Yeoryeong.

“Since everyone is here, let us get going.”

Hongyo poked her head out and looked behind Yeoryeong. For the first time, she realized that Jeonghwan clad in casual clothes was this handsome.