Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 95

“Because now I know that I am a useful person too.”

Hearing Hongyo’s answer, Gamyoung was silent for a while. It got to the point where Hongyo, unable to overcome her embarrassment, pressed him to say something. Looking at her, Gamyoung casually asked.

“Where will you go once you leave Hwayeonggyeong?”

At those words, Hongyo shut her mouth for a moment. It was a question she had been thinking about every day lately, but hearing it directly from someone else made it difficult to answer. If she left Hwayeonggyeong, she would likely live by hunting just like now, but just as she had answered earlier, since she now knew that she was a useful being, she wondered if she could ever go back to the way things were. Looking at Gamyoung, who was silently peering into her, Hongyo barely managed to answer.

“Well. I don’t really know yet.”

Did he feel some sort of hesitation in that answer? Staring quietly at Hongyo, Gamyoung then pulled something out from his shirt.

“Here.”

In an instant, Hongyo’s eyes flew wide open. A sound like a groan escaped from between her slightly parted lips. On the extended palm lay the ornament she had been searching for so desperately.

“How did you find this?”

Even her fingertips were trembling completely. Hongyo carefully picked up the ornament. It was in the exact same condition as when she had lost it. Holding the ornament with both hands full, Hongyo stared at Gamyoung. At that, Gamyoung said calmly.

“I searched the forest. It’s a precious item to both you and me, so of course I had to find it.”

He spoke as if it were no big deal, but no one knew how much trouble Gamyoung had gone through to find this ornament. Since it was a forest where anyone who was not a royal or a priestess would suffer great consequences upon entering, he had no choice but to search for it entirely on his own. Because he had to handle state affairs as well as deal with Jang Daeho, he could barely manage to go to the forest only after his daily routine was over. Relying on a single lantern, only after mapping out areas and searching that pitch-black, unpleasant forest for a little over a month did Gamyoung barely manage to discover the arrow embedded near the base of a tree.

Standing up from his seat for a moment, Gamyoung came back with Hongyo’s wooden sword, which had been leaning against the wall.

“Hongyo. Whatever you do, that will be your choice, but I wish you would do what your heart tells you to do.”

And then, just as he had done when he first gifted the ornament, this time too, he took the ornament from Hongyo and meticulously tied it to the hilt of the wooden sword. There were no words regarding martial arts or official posts, but Gamyoung already seemed to know which path Hongyo wished to walk.

“Don’t lose it anymore.”

Hongyo accepted the wooden sword extended to her. Below the hilt, the ornament with the dangling tassels had found its proper place. Quietly looking at it, Hongyo didn’t say a single word for a long while. Instead, the sound of the rain coming from outside the open door filled the silence. Gamyoung, who had likewise been watching Hongyo without a word, suddenly asked her with a flustered face.

“Uh? Are you… crying?”

Hongyo tried to say no. However, there was no helping the sobbing sounds leaking out in gasps through her broken pronunciation. Originally, she wasn’t the type to cry easily, and whenever something happened, she tended to grumble or laugh it off, but like a high dam collapsing, the emotions that had accumulated layer upon layer and finally unlocked their latch could not be helped.

Her heart, which had been churning just from the relief of finding the ornament and the mixture of apology and gratitude toward Gamyoung who must have searched the entire forest night after night to find it, completely broke down at the words telling her to do what she wanted. Tears flowed at the reality that, despite it being what she wanted to hear most right now, she couldn’t do so. This is greed beyond this point. Yet, she keeps getting greedy. And Gamyoung brought back the ornament that contained that greed. Because she was so grateful for that, and so sorry, and because she couldn’t just lay down her greed like this, Hongyo ultimately could not hold it in and burst into tears.

“Sob, hic… I’m sorry…”

While sobbing, she said she was sorry in a completely mangled voice. Hongyo rubbed her eyes roughly with the back of her hand as if trying to stop the tears. At that, a startled Gamyoung hurriedly and carefully lifted Hongyo’s face up with both hands. Not to mention her eyes, which had turned red from crying, the skin around them that had been rubbed by the back of her hand was flushed red. There wasn’t a single spot of skin touching his palms that wasn’t red. Following her lifted face, the flowing tears ran down his palms and onto his wrists. Feeling sorry for that, Gamyoung gently swept her eyes with his thumbs. It was only after that that she became conscious of his touch, which was soothing her without a word as if telling her not to cry anymore.

As their gazes met, each was reflected in the other’s eyes. Between the two people, who said absolutely nothing, only the sound of rain filled the space. Gamyoung’s breathing echoed softly. At the same time, Hongyo could not push away the distance that was gradually closing.

The tears, once burst, did not easily stop. Crying in front of Gamyoung meant six months’ worth of teasing. However, the already overflowing emotions were not something she could control at her own will. Stop it. Seriously. Hongyo rubbed her eyes roughly with the back of her hand, unable to show any more of an unsightly appearance. However, only the skin scraped against the rough hemp cloth smarted.

Seemingly quite surprised by her appearance, the frozen Gamyoung kept flustering and trying to see her face. At that, the more Hongyo lowered her head to try and hide her face further, the more doggedly Gamyoung pursued her. Soon after, his large palms cupped her cheeks. The touch lifting her head, as if handling some kind of glass, was incredibly careful. Following that touch, Hongyo raised her head helplessly. Even though she was embarrassed, her heart softened at the soothing touch.

Having raised her head like that, the thumb quietly sweeping the corners of her eyes was calloused, a characteristic specific to a person who holds a sword. The touch gently sweeping the corners of her eyes as if telling her not to cry anymore was extremely soft. Even though the one crying was herself, Gamyoung was wearing an even more pained expression. Hongyo quietly looked up at that Gamyoung. Although she couldn’t remember, it was a strangely familiar sensation.

“Have we ever been like this before?”

Her voice, soaked in tears, came out heavily muffled. However, no matter how much she thought about it, nothing came to mind. Yet, unlike her, Gamyoung seemed to have an inkling of something. His touch sweeping her eyes slowed down, and soon a low voice flowed out.

“Yeah.”

But the question ‘When?’ did not come out. In Gamyoung’s eyes, as he quietly faced her, she was reflected. It was that close a distance. Hongyo stared at Gamyoung as if possessed. The two hands cupping her cheeks held no strength whatsoever, so if she wanted to escape, she could have fully escaped.

However, as if she were captivated, Hongyo did not make even the slightest movement. Amidst the sound of rain, suppressed breathing could be heard softly. Hongyo watched Gamyoung, who was narrowing the distance even more than now. At a distance of at most less than a span, Hongyo instinctively grabbed Gamyoung’s shoulders. At the touch that seemed like a warning telling him absolutely not to come any closer, Gamyoung stopped right there and looked at Hongyo. He didn’t get any closer, but that didn’t mean he moved away either. Hongyo thought that she had to push Gamyoung away like this.

No matter how close a relationship she had with Gamyoung, this wasn’t right. She had fully learned at Hwayeonggyeong that even the most intimate of friends do not do this. Therefore, this situation right now was somehow strange. Even if she couldn’t express it precisely in words, a warning was being sent inside her head that they must not get any closer.

But… The strength in the hand gripping Gamyoung’s shoulder gradually loosened. As if that were a signal, at the distance that grew a little closer, Hongyo ultimately cast her gaze down. Her gaze, which had dropped a little lower than his eyes, touched his lips. Seeing that, she suddenly became scared. No matter how ignorant she was about such things, since she had lived for years as a man, she had frequently heard the senior brothers at the dojo or her Hwayeonggyeong peers talking about women. Most of it consisted of stories close to illusions they had made up themselves, from which she would usually frown and excuse herself, though. There were many times she had been dumbfounded, wondering how they could know absolutely nothing about women like that.

However, now that Gamyoung was this close, her mind went completely blank. Her heart beat so hard that it felt like it would surely be heard even in Gamyoung’s ears. Therefore, even while trembling uncontrollably, Hongyo could not push Gamyoung away any further. It’s strange. It’s truly strange. Even though she knew she had to push him away here, on the other hand, a thought arose that she wished Gamyoung would come closer. Right now, she was at the point of even forgetting the fact that she was living as a man. The thought that she must move away and the strange emotion of not wanting to push away the approaching Gamyoung continuously clashed.

And it was the same for Gamyoung as well. Watching Hongyo, who had cast her gaze down, Gamyoung was suppressing the impulse to touch with a truly hard effort. Rather, if she had put strength into the hands gripping his shoulders just now and pushed him away as they were, he would have been pushed back just as he was pushed. However, he could not fathom the reason why she did not push him away even while trembling uncontrollably with the hands holding his shoulders like this. Yet, she didn’t pull him close either, nor did she push him away. If he moved a little closer, the hands holding his shoulders flinched and froze, yet she didn’t actually push him away. Gamyoung was anxious at that dual attitude.

If he went just a little closer, her slightly parted lips were right within reach.