Actually, It’s a Messy Melodrama Chapter 34

From that moment on, his memory was somewhat hazy. It was only after he had gone all the way down the stairs that Youngmin realized he had intimidated Haeshin more than necessary. He hadn’t meant to, but he had momentarily lost his temper, making rational thought impossible.

Youngmin rested his forehead against the steering wheel and caught his breath. All of Youngmin’s efforts to approach Haeshin as an endlessly gentle and good person had gone up in smoke in an instant. It was clear that Haeshin would now be even more wary of him than before.

“If it weren’t for that bastard Han Taejun…”

The face of the man who had spouted nonsense in front of him, asking if he thought Myungjin was a joke, came to mind. In the end, he too was just hitting on Cha Haeshin, and he had trampled on Youngmin for his own selfish desires.

“Shit…!”

Youngmin swore once more, banging his forehead on the steering wheel. He was pissed off and furious, but the fact that there was little he could do made him feel even more miserable.

Not only was there not much he could do if Han Taejun set his mind to stopping him, but more importantly, because of that bastard, all his efforts to present himself as a good person to Haeshin had been for nothing.

I shouldn’t have gone that far. No matter how angry he was, he shouldn’t have shown such a low side of himself to Haeshin. The thought that Cha Haeshin might have already chosen Han Taejun had made him lose his mind for a moment.

How could he confront Han Taejun and restore his relationship with Haeshin? If Han Taejun genuinely tried to stand in his way, how could he fight back?

Trapped in a dilemma with no apparent answer, Youngmin remained motionless in his car for a long time afterward.

☂️

“Phew…”

Haeshin, who had been forcing himself to sleep, finally opened his eyes with a long sigh. He had been lying down for who knows how long, but sleep just wouldn’t come.

As his eyes gradually adjusted to the darkness, he could see a corner of the ceiling that looked darker than the rest due to mold. Haeshin stared at it quietly.

When he was very young, Haeshin had been afraid of the deep darkness in that spot. The more his eyes adapted to the dark, the blacker that spot seemed, and he felt as if a ghost with long, flowing hair would pop out at any moment.

It didn’t take long for him to realize that there were things in life far scarier than ghosts. Sometimes, he had even wished a ghost would really come out of that spot and take his father away. And Haeshin was still wandering in a curse more vicious and terrifying than any ghost.

“Ah, stop! Stop!”

Just as his thoughts threatened to deepen again, Haeshin slapped his own head with his palms and shot up from his bed. It wasn’t easy to rein in his thoughts, perhaps because he had exhausted himself mentally.

No matter how much he hit his head, his mind wouldn’t settle, so Haeshin roughly threw on a padded jacket, opened the door, and went outside. His chest felt tight, and he wanted some fresh air. Opening the barely-there window wouldn’t be much help.

The cold wind grazing his cheek sharply brought him to his senses. Haeshin sat on an old chair placed next to his neighbor’s gate. It was a chair the woman next door, who was raising two children on her own, had put out to smoke on in the early mornings.

As he breathed in the cold air, he felt his dazed mind clearing up a bit.

“That was a close call, really…”

Haeshin muttered, rubbing the cheek he had just slapped red. Today was definitely dangerous. He had come close to choosing one of two options: either kill Jin Youngmin or kill himself.

It was ridiculous that after experiencing so much despair, he was still swayed by Jin Youngmin. This is why hope is so frightening. Especially a hope that was barely regained. Because when it’s crushed, the blow is that much greater.

He had known it in his head all along. He thought he knew well enough that Han Taejun wasn’t necessarily the answer, that this life wouldn’t be easy, and that Jin Youngmin would never give up easily.

But it seemed his heart felt differently. It was only today that Haeshin realized he had been far more filled with hope than he had thought. Surprisingly so.

“It’s cold…”

Haeshin muttered, trying to empty his mind, which was filled with all sorts of thoughts. As he stretched out his legs, he could see his bare feet in slippers. It was cold. He hadn’t been out for long, but his toes already felt like they were freezing. Haeshin liked the sensation. It was a preference that had begun with his infinite regressions.

Being hot, cold, and hungry. These symbols of poverty, which he had stopped experiencing after marrying Jin Youngmin, had now become symbols of freedom. To think that the very things he had once hated so terribly that they drove him to flee to Jin Youngmin were now things he longed for again.

He couldn’t help but laugh, wondering if life was allowed to be this contradictory and messy.

That wasn’t the only contradiction. Haeshin turned his head and looked at the telephone pole next to the wall. It was the place where Cha Haeshin’s greatest contradiction, Han Taejun, had leaned against while waiting for him with a lollipop in his mouth the first time he came here.

When Han Taejun came looking for him today, Haeshin had felt a sense of relief. He had been so engulfed in despair that he wanted to give up on this lifetime right away, but the moment he saw Taejun, he felt that there was still hope.

It was ridiculous. What guarantee was there that Han Taejun would be any different from Jin Youngmin? Jin Youngmin had been a good person at first too. He was polite and kind, unlike a typical chaebol, and he respected Haeshin.

Haeshin knew better than anyone how difficult it was for a rich person to be kind to a bar employee. It may not have been love, but Haeshin had thought Jin Youngmin was a good person. That’s why he had been able to decide to marry him.

Because he thought he could be happy even without love, because he wanted to be happy. Because he was a good person, he hoped that he might come to love him as they lived together.

Then what about Han Taejun? Cha Haeshin didn’t know Han Taejun. He had no way of knowing how cruel and ruthless he could become.

Taejun was a stronger person than Jin Youngmin, which in turn meant he could become an even more dangerous person than Youngmin. That’s why Haeshin, while intending to use Han Taejun, had consistently tried to remain wary of him.

The problem was that it didn’t go as planned. When he was with Taejun, Haeshin easily became optimistic about the future. He unwittingly believed the kindness Taejun showed him at face value. He even felt a sense of comfort, as if he had known him for a long time.

In truth, he knew nothing. He couldn’t be sure of anything.

In the end, Haeshin had even clung to Han Taejun, begging him to help him, to save him, to protect him from Jin Youngmin. Although it was a situation where he had been driven to an extreme, if his counterpart hadn’t been Taejun, he never would have said such things.

Haeshin had experienced more painfully than anyone how dangerous it was to be subjugated by someone who could overpower him, whether through money, power, or physical force.

Taejun, who had held him and calmed him down in the cold alley for a long while, only let him go home after Haeshin had come to his senses, leaving him with a promise to call before turning back.

It was only after watching his retreating back that Haeshin realized he had acted far too emotionally. The situation was already irreversible, and Haeshin regretted his mistake.

“But still… if things go wrong, what can he do?”

But after clearing his head a bit with the cold air, he again thought that even that regret was overly emotional. Let’s say Han Taejun turned out to be a more terrible person than Jin Youngmin and confined and tormented Haeshin even more viciously. Even so, what could Han Taejun do?

In the end, Han Taejun’s influence was bound to disappear with Haeshin’s death. Haeshin’s regression was thoroughly entangled with Jin Youngmin, and when he opened his eyes to a new life, Cha Haeshin wouldn’t even remain in Han Taejun’s mind.

Feeling his body temperature gradually drop, Haeshin let out a small laugh. This is why people shouldn’t think too much. They just end up indulging in self-pity like the hero of a tragic drama, with very few productive thoughts.

If Taejun was a bad person, the worst that could happen is that this lifetime becomes meaningless. Just like always, Cha Haeshin’s efforts would be nullified. He might suffer a little physically in the process, but what did that matter? It was something he went through all the time anyway.

But if Han Taejun was truly a good person, and if he felt pity for Cha Haeshin to the end and just blocked Jin Youngmin, then maybe Cha Haeshin’s curse could end here.

The answer to where Haeshin should bet everything he had was clear.

“You did well. You did the right thing.”

Haeshin curled up and muttered as if casting a spell. He recalled Taejun’s short and concise, yet incredibly reassuring reply. The corners of Haeshin’s lips twitched into a smile.

He didn’t know if Han Taejun could really protect him from Jin Youngmin. But that very fact, that he “didn’t know”, was a source of hope for Haeshin. Because it meant that there was at least a small chance of success. Haeshin no longer regretted clinging to Taejun and begging him for protection.

☂️

“Secretary Choi?”

Haeshin, coming out of the convenience store after his part-time shift as usual, was surprised and opened his mouth when a man suddenly stood in his way. He had never imagined a situation where Secretary Choi, not Han Taejun or Jin Youngmin, would block his path.

“Is the CEO here?”

Haeshin asked, peeking behind Secretary Choi.

“No. The CEO is not here.”

“Ah…”

Haeshin, who had been craning his neck and looking around, gave an awkward smile. Although Secretary Choi hadn’t given him any sort of look, a wave of embarrassment washed over him. He felt even more ashamed because he had actually been secretly pleased, thinking Taejun had come.