Formless Chapter 30

When he finally tried to ask, his face felt hot. The reluctance to ask for permission just to go to a movie theater near school kept blocking his words.

—What is it?

The voice over the receiver was gentle. Heewoon cautiously spoke.

“Can I go to the movie theater in front of school?”

—…

No sound was heard. Was he upset because Heewoon asked about something so trivial, or did he disapprove of him going to the movie theater? Was he perhaps debating where to break Heewoon’s bones? The silence amplified Heewoon’s imagination.

—Haa.

Just as Heewoon tensed up, ready to offer some excuse at the sound of the sighing exhale.

—I thought you were going to be…

A quiet murmur was heard. The end of the sentence was unclear. Heewoon perked up his ears, waiting only for Gangwoo’s answer.

—You called because you wanted to go see a movie?

The soft-spoken, agreeable voice was sweet, almost sickeningly so.

“Yes.”

—You can go.

Seo Gangwoo smiled slightly and said. Heewoon silently exhaled. His tension eased a little. Since Seo Gangwoo replied happily, it seemed calling was the right decision.

—Have fun watching the movie.

“Yes.”

Seo Gangwoo’s voice was very affectionate until the call ended. Heewoon put his cell phone in his pocket, sighed deeply, and then started moving. While walking, he roughly checked the movie times. He intended to watch the movie with the most screenings.

He arrived at the movie theater, which wasn’t crowded since it was a weekday, and booked a movie starting in 50 minutes. It seemed perfect to eat dinner in the restaurant area downstairs and then watch the movie. The movie ending time around 10 p.m. also worked with his time to get home.

After paying with Seo Gangwoo’s card, he put the movie ticket in his wallet and went down to the restaurant area. He walked around, browsing, and then entered a hamburger shop. He ordered a set meal with a new, incredibly thick burger. For a hamburger, the price was enough to buy two meals at the school cafeteria.

The school cafeteria also sold something similar to a hamburger, but it only cost 2,000 won. Heewoon clucked his tongue, took a bite of the hamburger, and soon nodded. It was exactly about three times more delicious. He hurriedly ate all the french fries and headed to the screening room.

He considered getting popcorn but decided against it, as he was full and had about half of his soda left. Also, he had already used the card twice within minutes. Gangwoo told him to use it often, but Heewoon felt he had used it too frequently just now.

The movie theater, which he hadn’t visited in a long time, felt a little awkward. It seemed definitely over two years since his last visit. During that time, movie prices had also gone up significantly.

The movie was fun. It turned out to be a film that had surpassed ten million viewers. It left a subtle lingering impression, making him continuously contemplate it even after leaving the theater.

And a fleeting thought occurred to him.

If Seo Gangwoo hadn’t been around, today’s itinerary—studying leisurely at the library, eating an expensive hamburger, and watching a movie that cost over ten thousand won—would not have happened.

Goosebumps immediately rose at the thought that popped up subconsciously.

🧸

Heewoon got off the bus and went to the convenience store across the street instead of going home. He felt a little hungry.

The convenience store had started selling hoppang (steamed buns) a while ago. The warm-looking buns looked appetizing, so he bought four, including some for his mother, and also bought ice cream.

He felt a little more comfortable using the card now.

Heewoon, holding the rustling bag, opened the front door. Because his mother waited for Heewoon without sleeping on days he had tutoring, he greeted her upon entering.

“I’m home.”

His mother said, looking at Heewoon.

“Yes— you worked hard, son.”

At that moment, Heewoon froze. The entire day flashed through his mind.

“Yes.”

His throat was tight, and he answered in a small voice. He couldn’t look at his mother’s face.

“Our Heewoon’s complexion looks good these days.”

“…Does it?”

Heewoon stroked his own cheek and handed the steamed buns to his mother, saying he bought them. He still couldn’t look at her face.

He took milk out of the refrigerator, poured it into a cup, and drank it. Even after drinking the entire cup, the lump in his throat wouldn’t go down.

What was stuck in his throat was guilt.

If it were daytime, he might have been able to think of about three reasons why he shouldn’t feel guilty, but since it was night and his mother was behind him, he couldn’t recall any of them.

“Heewoon.”

Just then, his mother called Heewoon in a quiet voice. His heart sank.

Heewoon tried hard to compose his expression and turned around. Unsure of his expression, he pretended to drink the milk that was already finished, covering his face with the cup.

“Mom is going to visit Auntie’s house for a few days next week.”

“Huh?”

Heewoon’s eyes widened at the unexpected words. His mother brushed her messy hair behind her ear and said,

“Auntie seems preoccupied with Seonyeong’s wedding preparations these days. I’ll go and help her with what I can, you know.”

“What will you help her with?”

Heewoon asked quizzically. A flicker of emotion crossed his mother’s face at the purely innocent question. However, she knew how to hide it quickly.

“Even if I can’t help with much, I just… want to be by her side. We received a lot of help from your auntie, didn’t we?”

“Is that so.”

Heewoon nodded.

His auntie had greeted guests and followed the funeral procedures at his father’s funeral, in place of his mother, who was crying so hard she fainted. Even though his auntie was not financially well off, she had even handed over 10 million won when the loan sharks were causing a scene.

Her face, which apologized for only being able to give that much and said they didn’t have to pay it back, resembled his mother’s but was slightly different.

“When did you say Seonyeong noona’s wedding is?”

“The first Sunday of December.”

He was glad he had money to give as a wedding gift. Although he couldn’t afford to pay back the 10 million won his auntie gave, it would be good to give her a small gift.

“Don’t overdo it, Mom.”

“…Yes.”

His mother paused, then nodded. Heewoon suddenly examined his mother’s face.

“Mom looks tired these days…. Are you okay?”

Her fatigue closely resembled depression, lethargy, and sorrow, so Heewoon only thought she was tired.

“No. How can I be tired when I’m at home.”

Her slightly red eyes were hidden by a smile.

“Our son is the one struggling.”

Struggling. Heewoon repeated the word to himself. The day again flashed quickly through his mind. That day he knelt and begged, followed by the days before it, also came to mind. Heewoon turned around, poured milk into the cup, strengthened his voice, and asked,

“Want some milk, Mom?”

It sounded quite cheerful.

His mother and Heewoon rarely talked about their true feelings.

Because their true feelings would only become burdens and hurt each other.

🧸

It was the next day. Seo Gangwoo, who didn’t have class, came to eat lunch and then drove away again. He stared intently at Heewoon throughout the meal, but nothing unusual happened.

Heewoon attended his major class right after lunch and came outside. He still had about an hour until his elective class, so he planned to take a slow walk before going in. His sneakers, stepping on the brown grass, were a bit dirty. Mud had splattered on them during a recent rain, and he had only thought about washing them but left them as they were because he didn’t have time.

Now that he thought about it, he felt like he had forgotten something else. Heewoon thought hard and realized he hadn’t printed out his class assignment. He had also left his USB at home.

“Haa….”

Heewoon sighed, rubbing his forehead. Still, since he had an hour gap, he thought he could take a taxi home and come back. It would be a tight schedule, though….

Heewoon hesitated, then picked up his cell phone and sent a message.

[Mom, what are you doing?]

His mother replied immediately.

[Just resting.]

So he called her.

—Yes, Heewoon.

“Mom. I’m really sorry, but could you possibly email me the assignment on my USB?”

—…

“No. Mom, I’ll just…”

He regretted asking. He was about to add more when his mother’s following words made Heewoon’s eyes widen.

—Mom isn’t home right now. I’m sorry.

Heewoon blinked. The deep blue sky came into his sight.

“Oh, I see. Don’t worry about it, Mom. I had time to go home anyway; I just asked because I was lazy.”

—Should Mom go home now and send it to you?

“No. I said it’s fine. The weather is really nice today.”

Heewoon looked around and smiled a little. His mother said, It is.

“See you later. I’ll hang up—.”

Heewoon ended the call and fiddled with his cell phone for a moment. If she had gone to the supermarket, she would have said so, so she must have gone out for another errand. About a month ago, she mentioned meeting a friend after going to the hospital, too.

It was a good sign.

He earnestly wished for his mother to go out and recover her spirits.

Because his mother, lying down and watching TV, sometimes wore a very frightening expression. Heewoon felt that his mother couldn’t sense the TV screen, the noise, or the cold air from the turned-off boiler.

As if she were dead.

Then, Heewoon would deliberately speak cheerfully. Mom, I’m home. When he spoke like that, his mother would turn around groggily and smile, saying, Heewoon, are you home?

Gratitude for the smile that appeared and the fear of losing that smile arrived simultaneously.

Three years ago, his mother, diagnosed with stage 1 liver cancer, immediately underwent liver resection surgery. At the time, Heewoon thought the sky was falling, but looking back, they were truly lucky. To discover it at stage 1. When she recovered after the surgery, his father and brother were also with them, allowing her to smile.

His mother’s recovery was fast.

Until his father died a month later.

Since his father’s death, his mother’s physical condition seemed to have halted right there. Her stamina and immunity were severely weakened, making it impossible for her to lead a normal daily life. It even seemed to be getting worse. As if the continuous misfortune was constantly gnawing at his mother.

His mother eventually ended up only staying in front of the TV. Sometimes wearing that expression that Heewoon feared.

So, Heewoon was glad that his mother went out. She looked tired yesterday, but maybe she was feeling better today.

🧸

Gangwoo came to pick up Heewoon after class ended. Gangwoo glanced at Heewoon fastening his seatbelt and drove the car out. Then, he slowly opened his mouth.

“The movie.”

“Huh?”

“Was it fun?”