Formless Chapter 64

A short while later, a cigarette butt fell to the floor. A slipper-clad foot roughly crushed it to extinguish it. And just as he put another cigarette in his mouth and lit it, the slightly open gate creaked, opening wide. Heehyeon’s gaze turned to the wide-open gate.

“Shit.”

A small curse, along with cigarette smoke, flowed from between his lips.

Heewoon glared at the sliding door, where his hyung’s figure had disappeared. A slight chill seeped through the open door crack.

“Heewoon. Why are you acting like that towards your hyung?”

His mother said in a chiding tone. Heewoon frowned.

“What did I do?”

“You’re seeing hyung after a long time, aren’t you?”

“Mom, I…”

“I don’t want to see hyung again.” Heewoon bit his lip to stop his true feelings from spilling out. He looked at his mother’s face, her eyebrows arched downwards as she looked at him, and Heewoon thought.

How could he smile at a person who left without a word, taking hundreds of millions of won, a person who left only his mother and Heewoon in hell?

If his hyung hadn’t left like that and had stayed in Korea to work together, everything might have been better. They would have paid off more debt, and his mother would have been less depressed because she had his hyung, whom she loved so much. Perhaps he wouldn’t have been so desperate for scholarships and wouldn’t have had to break down his time into minute-long segments.

When the burden he carried sometimes stifled his breath, hyung could have been someone he could lean on just by existing. His hyung didn’t play that role.

Therefore.

The occasional urge to abandon his mother, the debt, and school, and run away—it was all because of his hyung.

“Mom, if you’re done eating, let’s clear the table.”

Heewoon said, keeping his eyes fixed on the table without looking at his mother’s face. Only Heehyeon’s rice bowl was cleanly empty.

“Heewoon, aren’t you eating more? Oh, it’s gotten a bit cold. I’ll reheat it for you.”

The hand that touched a few plates was tender. It was the hand that sometimes gently stroked Heewoon’s head in the dark early morning. That same warm hand, even on a day when he had bad thoughts about wanting to run away alone.

How could he dare to think of his mother as a burden? Whether that thought was fleeting or not, it was the worst.

The bad thoughts that sometimes emerged, and the self-reproach and self-loathing that followed—all of it, if only hyung had been there…

“Would you like some more soup, my son?”

His mother peeked her face through the door crack and asked. He and his hyung resembled their mother greatly. Heewoon looked at his mother’s face and thought. He sometimes disliked how obvious it was that they were family.

His mother reheated the food. This time, Heewoon finished all his rice and ate many side dishes. His mother’s smile finally relaxed then.

Heewoon endured his bloated stomach and cleaned up. After washing the dishes, he brushed his teeth and came out. His mother was peeling fruit.

“Did you buy fruit earlier too? It must have been heavy. You should have called me earlier.”

“It wasn’t very heavy. But Heehyeon isn’t coming in.”

His mother said, looking at the entrance. Heewoon sighed quietly and walked towards the entrance.

“Should Mom go call him?”

“No. I’ll call him.”

It was only two steps to the entrance. Heewoon opened the front door and looked outside. But his hyung wasn’t there.

“Mom. Hyung’s not here?”

“Huh? Did he go outside to smoke?”

Heewoon slipped on his sneakers and went out into the yard. Two cigarette butts lay beneath the flower bed. One still had a glowing ember. What if it started a fire? Frowning, Heewoon stepped on it to extinguish it.

The gate was wide open. He’s marking every path he takes. Heewoon clicked his tongue and closed the gate. He said he had no money now, so where did he go? What if the loan sharks saw him wandering outside? Of course, considering they waited for three years, they might not care about waiting a little longer.

Then I hope he comes home very late today. No, if it’s too late, Mom will worry, so maybe around bedtime.

“Ah, my padded jacket.”

A sudden thought made Heewoon frown again. He disliked even the smallest things related to his hyung. He sighed softly and went back into the house.

He easily slipped off his crumpled shoes, then suddenly looked down. His white sneakers were already dirty. He decided he should buy sneakers of a different color than white soon.

“Heehyeon’s not here?”

“No.”

“Where did he go?”

His mother’s expression blurred with worry, concerned for her son, who was over thirty. Heewoon thought. He hoped his hyung would just give them the money and never come back.

🧸

His hyung did not return even by the next morning.

His mother said, worried about his hyung who hadn’t contacted them, that they should report him missing. Heewoon calmed his mother, but he, too, was worried.

He wasn’t worried about his hyung. He was worried about a strange unease, as if something had begun, and the situation that was about to unfold.

“He might have stayed up all night at a PC bang.”

“A PC bang? Then I should go look for him.”

Heewoon grabbed his mother’s arm as she tried to get up. A faint fear was visible on his mother’s face. She might have been replaying the moment she faced his father’s death.

“I’ll go.”

He didn’t know what his hyung was thinking, staying out all night without contact on his first day back in the country.

“Mom, you come too.”

“It’ll be cold outside…”

Heewoon’s voice trailed off, but he nodded. Waiting at home would be agonizing for his mother. His mother went into the bathroom, and Heewoon called Gangwoo.

“Hello.”

—Yes.

“What are you doing?”

He asked that, remembering how Gangwoo had talked about phone etiquette last time.

—I’m getting ready for work. What about you, sunbae?

“Ah. I… My hyung hasn’t come home, so I’m thinking of going out to look for him.”

—Is that so?

“Yes. Can I go out?”

—Yes.

His answering voice was soft. The tightly clenched chest muscles loosened. He was relaxing. It was as difficult to understand why he relaxed as it was to understand why he was tense.

—It’s cold outside, so look around a bit and then go inside.

“Okay.”

He said his hyung hadn’t come home and he was going to look for him, but there wasn’t even a common word of worry. Then again, one shouldn’t apply normal standards to Seo Gangwoo.

—I thought you called because you missed me.

His voice contained a faint hint of laughter. He would never miss Seo Gangwoo. Because Seo Gangwoo had killed someone, and because of that, he had threatened him and hit him many times.

However…

Heewoon recalled the food that had so densely covered the large table yesterday, his mother’s excited expression, and his hyung’s shameless face.

It was just that Heewoon felt that if he met Seo Gangwoo, his wildly fluctuating emotions and bad thoughts would lessen.

“What are you doing today?”

The words tumbled out before he could catch them.

—Today? Hmm, after work, I have a meeting tonight.

He wondered what kind of meeting it was that was held at night. Heewoon’s brows furrowed unwittingly.

—But I can always answer the phone.

It was a tone that assumed Heewoon would call.

“…Okay.”

Just then, he heard the bathroom door open. Heewoon said a little hastily,

“Gangwoo, I’m hanging up.”

—Yes.

He hung up the phone quickly, and Heewoon got dressed. He opened the closet to put on a coat, but there was nothing suitable. It was because his hyung had worn his padded jacket. So Heewoon took out a padded jacket with flattened batting and put it on.

Heewoon came out with his mother and scanned the surroundings. Someone would surely be watching again. He held his mother’s hand and first went to the nearest PC bang.

It was early morning, so there weren’t many people inside the PC bang. Heewoon and his mother looked around the small PC bang. People with tired faces were intently staring at their monitors, uninterested in them.

He didn’t seem to be there. They went out and headed to a PC bang further away. It was much colder in the morning. Heewoon fiddled with his cold nose and spoke to his mother.

“Hyung will be surprised too. When he sees us looking for him.”

At Heewoon’s banter, his mother, who had been wearing a serious face, smiled faintly. Heewoon talked to his mother more, chattering about whether she was cold, what they would eat for lunch, and talking about the weather.

They looked around a few more places but couldn’t find his hyung. After searching outside for two hours, both his mother and Heewoon were frozen all over.

“Let’s go home first. Hyung might be back by now.”

“Okay. My son must be cold.”

His mother stroked Heewoon’s cheek. His mother’s hand was as cold as his cheek, so he felt nothing.

🧸

His hyung did not return even by that evening.

“Should we report him missing to the police?”

“He’s not a child, everyone will laugh if you say you’re reporting a thirty-year-old son missing for just one day.”

“……”

Heewoon bit his lip, realizing his blunder. The tension and anxiety he felt were also growing. That’s why the words had just spilled out without passing through his mind.

Looking at his mother’s stiff face, Heewoon lowered his head. He saw his mother’s hand on the floor clench.

“This won’t do. I have to go look again.”

His mother got up from her seat. Heewoon looked up at his mother and grabbed the hem of her skirt. And he said worriedly,

“Where are you going?”

“I’ll check some more PC bangs around here and go to a pool hall too.”

His mother put on the coat she had left by the door and packed her wallet and cellphone. Heewoon also got up restlessly.

“Can’t we just wait a little longer?”

“Heewoon, you stay here. Mom will go find him and be right back.”

Seeing his mother wanting to go out into the cold, Heewoon resented his hyung again.

“Then let’s go together, Mom.”

Just as Heewoon picked up his coat.

The front door opened. His mother and Heewoon turned their heads simultaneously. His mother was quicker to leave the room.

“Heehyeon’s back… Heehyeon!”

His mother called his hyung’s name as if screaming. An unknown anxiety instantly grew in size. Heewoon, his eyes taking in his mother’s horrified face, went out of the room.