The Unbelievers Chapter 29

“He says he’ll discuss it when my father gets home later. I told him the situation is extremely serious. I said I saw everything—how someone was chasing you. I told them that if it hadn’t been for me, you might have been dragged away.”

“…”

“The roof isn’t going to cave in. Put your bag down and sit comfortably.”

Eunseong nodded and placed the bag he had been carrying on his shoulder onto the floor, while subtly scanning Choi Jungeon’s eyes.

“What.”

“…You’re not going to take it, right?”

Eunseong’s eyes glanced toward the bag.

“The money? Fuck, what do you take me for? Back then, I only said I’d keep it because you were trying to run away. I did that because I thought you’d bolt with it.”

“Then I’m relieved.”

“Treating someone like a thief. If there’s anything to be stolen, I’m the one in more danger. Do you know how much pure gold my family has saved up since my first birthday party? You just walked into a house where gold is piled up. Just you try taking my first birthday ring. I won’t let it slide.”

“How would I even know where it is to take it?”

Eunseong snapped back, telling him not to treat him like a thief either.

“Aren’t you hungry? Should I bring you something?”

“Yeah.”

Apart from Eunseong’s serious situation, Choi Jungeon seemed excited for some reason. He hurried outside and badgered his mother to bring out something to eat.

Beyond the open window, a park was visible. Since the weather was nice for once, many people were coming and going. He could see people pushing strollers and others walking their dogs.

Now that he was away from the unrealistic scenery of the garden he had been looking at, the reality that he had run away from Yoo Siun hit him all at once. The man would likely consider him insolent. Yoo Siun’s mission was said to be protecting Eunseong safely from those targeting him. Eunseong didn’t need his protection or the background he had provided.

If he found out Eunseong had run away, the man’s brow—which rarely showed any change in expression—would contort unpleasantly, and perhaps he might even feel betrayed. He might be regretting sending that photo of the crow-tit.

Doing this is right.

This is correct.

That person is a relative. He’s my father’s cousin.

Eunseong, who had been staring out the window and thinking of Yoo Siun, flinched violently and stiffened his spine. It was because Choi Jungeon’s two hands had suddenly come up behind him, gripping the window frame as if trapping Eunseong in his embrace, standing right at his back.

Eunseong kept his back stiff and looked outside. Choi Jungeon’s voice drifted in close to his ear.

“Should we go out for a walk later, too? Is it not okay to go out? Do we have to stay in the room?”

“…”

“Then should we just stay in the room?”

“…”

“I’ll give you some of my clothes. Change into them. You shouldn’t be wearing a school uniform. Just wear my clothes from now on.”

Choi Jungeon whispered something in his ear. Eunseong turned around. His eyes met Choi Jungeon’s, who was standing close without maintaining any distance. Choi Jungeon didn’t back down either and stared back at Eunseong, keeping the gap excessively close.

“…Hey, Choi Jungeon.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you like me?”

“Fuck, what?”

“I’m asking if you like me.”

Eunseong’s pupils looked straight into Choi Jungeon’s eyes as he asked. Choi Jungeon didn’t look away either. Having stared at Eunseong for a while, he admitted it plainly. There was no sign of embarrassment or awkwardness at all. It was confident and natural.

“Yeah.”

“…So, so you… what you did to me last time, saying you wanted to kiss me, was that not a joke but because you like me?”

“Yeah.”

“If you like someone… that’s how it works, right?”

“What kind of bullshit is that.”

“If someone likes someone… they want to kiss them, they want to touch them, they want to be close.”

“Of course. Why would I touch someone I don’t even like? It would be skin-crawling.”

Tilting his head as if he were about to kiss him right then, Choi Jungeon murmured while looking down at Eunseong’s lips. His two arms were trapping Eunseong in between them so he couldn’t escape anywhere.

“If you touch someone you don’t even like, it must be skin-crawling then. You’d want to avoid them.”

“I wonder why I keep listening to this obvious bullshit from a while ago. Why do I keep wanting to listen to Seo Eunseong’s lips rambling this bullshit?”

“Have you… ever dreamed of me?”

“What?”

“While dreaming of me… a wet dream or something… isn’t that possible if you like someone?”

“…”

The pupils that had been persistently watching only Eunseong’s lips moved upward. As his eyes met Eunseong’s, Choi Jungeon subtly rolled his eyes with a startled look.

“Have you?”

He asked demandingly. He pressed for an answer to the embarrassing question of whether such a thing had happened. Choi Jungeon couldn’t look at Eunseong as he replied.

“If I have.”

“…Did it happen?”

“If it did.”

“I’m asking if it happened!”

“…It happened. When I masturbate, I only think of you, you prick. In my head, we’re practically a married couple.”

Thump. He had the illusion of hearing the sound of his heart dropping to the floor. Choi Jungeon’s lips touched his cheek. He felt the boy’s breath tickling his fine hairs.

At that moment, knock, knock—at the sound of a knock, he fell away with a start. Eunseong also hurriedly turned his flustered head. Soon the door opened, and Choi Jungeon’s mother suddenly poked her head in.

“I fried some dumplings here. Should I give you anything else?”

“No, that’s enough.”

Choi Jungeon moistened his lips with spit, swallowed hard, and turned around to take the tray his mother was handing him. Choi Jungeon’s mother glanced at Eunseong. Her brow contorted slightly as she regarded his pitiful situation of being chased by moneylenders because of his father’s debt with pity and regret.

“Tell me if there’s anything you want to eat. Jungeon, lend your friend some of your clothes. So he can be comfortable. And you have an exam tomorrow too. Aren’t you going to study? I allowed your friend to stay over because you said you were going to study hard.”

“I will. I’m going to. I got it, so just go out.”

“All right. Then don’t play too much and hurry up and study for tomorrow.”

Choi Jungeon’s mother misunderstood the expression on Eunseong’s face—as he stood there awkwardly—as embarrassment over having his situation of suffering from debt discovered, so she spoke as kindly as possible and left the room.

“Ahem, ahem…”

Choi Jungeon set the bowl of dumplings down on the desk and cleared his throat. Eunseong leaned against the wall with the window and stared at the fact that Choi Jungeon’s lower area was half-erect.

That was normal. If you like someone, you want to kiss them, you get an erection, that person appears in your dreams, and your subconscious depicts the things you want to do with them.

In his dream last night, Eunseong had pulled Yoo Siun’s large hand toward him. He had touched the cross on the back of the hand with a delicate touch. He was dazed, unsure if the thumping transmitted through the wrist where the pulse was felt belonged to him or the man. While touching the back of his hand, Eunseong was swept by a strange emotion for the first time in his life. Though it was a faint dreamscape, the man’s touch was felt clearly, and he could even feel the softness of his lips.

Choi Jungeon said that was normal, and he had spoken confidently and naturally, but when Eunseong recalled last night’s dream, his lips trembled and his eyes quickly filled with tears.

“…Are you crying?”

“…”

“What did I even do?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s not because of that.”

Eunseong shook his head, saying he wasn’t crying because he hated it when Choi Jungeon tried to kiss him.

“Stop crying and eat the dumplings.”

“Okay…”

Eunseong stuffed the dumplings Choi Jungeon was picking out for him into his mouth. Filling his cheeks until they were plump, he crunched on the dumplings while shedding teardrops.

After eating the tear-soaked dumplings, Eunseong took the clothes Choi Jungeon provided. He also took underwear out of his bag. The boy pointed to the door, saying it was a bathroom only he used, so he shouldn’t feel uncomfortable and could use it freely. His body was soaked in sweat from running and sprinting while holding onto Choi Jungeon during the day.

Standing naked in someone else’s bathroom felt sheepish and strange. He put his head under the showerhead and turned on the faucet. Sweat and tears were washed away by the water. He looked down at his empty scrotum and penis. When he moved his hand down to touch the perineum area, he felt a rough surface that stood out prominently. Eunseong flinched and pulled his hand away.

“…Ugh.”

The tears he had barely held back leaked out once more. His face contorted even more painfully as he thought of Choi Jungeon, who had revealed his wet dreams and masturbation confidently without shame.

Even while showering in hot water, Eunseong’s face turned deathly pale. His heart was thumping and he was so anxious he couldn’t bear it.

Eunseong was on the side of having unusually little sexual desire. Thinking his lack of sexual desire was because his scrotum was empty, Eunseong had never considered his condition serious until now.

Even when his friends showed intense interest and curiosity in that direction, he had no physical reaction or emotional agitation. Even if he saw a naked woman or a man, he felt no inspiration. He just thought, “Oh, a person is there,” “They are naked,” “That’s what they look like,” and that was all—his thought was, “So what am I supposed to do about it?”

Eunseong already knew he wasn’t normal when he was in the upper grades of elementary school. His father knew as well.

His father didn’t say much to Eunseong, whose sexual function was not normal. Even though he knew about the empty testicles, he never said he would get him surgery when he grew up, or that they would fill in naturally as he grew. It was more correct to say he was uninterested.

Because his father treated it as if it were no big deal, Eunseong lived thinking it wasn’t a major problem. However, as he went through a sensitive puberty, the only reaction of inferiority regarding the lack of testicles was that he came to flatly and fiercely reject doctors and hospitals.