Place to Be Chapter 35

I had no way of gauging how many hours I had been walking. The cars that had almost completely filled the wide roadway were moving much more smoothly than before. The number of pedestrians on the street had also noticeably decreased compared to one or two hours ago. I could have known the time if I looked at my phone, but I didn’t particularly feel like doing so. I intended to walk home like this regardless of how many hours it took, and the scenery slowly passing by Seo Chiyoung was turning into a familiar sight. It wasn’t that he had set out with the intention of walking all the way home, but as he walked, the river was approaching ahead of him. Once he crossed the long bridge spanning the river, an intersection would appear, and from that intersection, it was a little over half an hour’s walk to his house.

Seo Chiyoung tightened his collar. Even if it wasn’t a cold season, the night was chilly, and because he hadn’t properly fastened the top two or three buttons of his shirt, he had actually been feeling cold since earlier when there were more people around, due to the wind entering through his collar. However, Seo Chiyoung, who had been unable to bring the fact that he was cold to the surface of his consciousness even though he was chilly, only recognized that he was cold when the river drew near. As the river approached within a distance where the bridge was visible, the air grew even colder because of the river breeze.

“…”

Only now did his mind seem to be settling down a bit. For the entire time he had been walking, his mind—stained white and pitch-black and tangled—had been unable to form proper thoughts. Like a string puppet moving without any thought, he had merely moved his legs diligently toward a familiar direction in a mechanical fashion.

Seo Chiyoung hunched his shoulders and slowed his pace ever so slightly. At that, the presence following him from a certain distance behind also slowed down.

Jang Wigeon was following about five or six steps behind Seo Chiyoung. Seo Chiyoung did not look back, but he knew that Jang Wigeon was there, following silently without trying to hide his presence, yet without making it exaggerated either; and Jang Wigeon knew that Seo Chiyoung knew.

At first, he seemed to call out “Mr. Chiyoung” once or twice, but now he had stopped even that and was simply following in silence. He maintained a constant distance behind Seo Chiyoung, who walked looking only ahead.

Eventually, they reached the end of the roadway they had been walking along. If he waited for the signal and crossed the street twice, he would step onto the bridge spanning the river. Seo Chiyoung stood still in silence, staring at the red light. Behind him, at a slight distance, Jang Wigeon also came to a stop.

It wasn’t that he was intentionally not looking back because he wanted to. He had no intention of showing that he was angry or treating him coldly.

Seo Chiyoung wasn’t angry. He had simply walked the long path with a quiet, sunken heart because he couldn’t even gauge what to think about or how to start thinking.

“…”

The light changed. He crossed the crosswalk where there were almost no people passing, waited for the light to change once more, crossed a smaller crosswalk than the one before, and stepped onto the sidewalk blocks.

Soon, the river approached beneath his feet. Like a magnificent piece of architecture, a massive bridge casting bright lights even in the middle of the night connected this side of the river and the other.

An occasional car passed by the narrow sidewalk where Seo Chiyoung was walking. Buses carrying only a few people also passed by at intervals. Seeing a bus pass with a sign indicating it was the last bus, it seemed the night had grown quite deep.

Beneath his feet, the river was flowing silently. It was so dark that the waves could not be seen, and only a pitch-black darkness was spread out massively below—to the point that if the lights from the bridge a significant distance away hadn’t been shimmering and wavering on the water, he wouldn’t have even known there was a river beneath him.

Seo Chiyoung’s pace as he walked across the bridge slowed down a little. The presence following behind slowed down by that same amount.

He had already been walking for several hours, and during that time, without going back or grabbing hold of Seo Chiyoung, Jang Wigeon had been following silently.

Jang Wigeon knew Seo Chiyoung’s heart. He had already guessed as much. Even if he had pretended not to know, or had known and rejected him, Seo Chiyoung would have understood. Or even if he had truly treated him lightly as a partner to satisfy a night’s desire and they had slept together.

“…”

What he had been trying to say was clear. He was saying that loving him would only make things hard for Seo Chiyoung, so he shouldn’t do it.

Perhaps that was Jang Wigeon’s own form of kindness. He was telling him not to hope for anything more, because the things Seo Chiyoung might want beyond loving him were not a big deal.

Near the middle of the bridge, at a spot roughly equidistant from both sides, Seo Chiyoung stopped walking. Jang Wigeon stopped walking as well.

Without a word, Seo Chiyoung looked over the railing down into the distant depths where the pitch-black river would be flowing. For a long time, lost in thought, he cast his gaze over the river water without focusing on any specific spot. Jang Wigeon looked at such a Seo Chiyoung.

Eventually.

“…I’m sorry.”

A quiet voice was heard.

Seo Chiyoung slowly turned his head to look at Jang Wigeon. On Jang Wigeon’s face as he looked at Seo Chiyoung with his hands in his pockets, the usual smile was absent.

“I thought that would be better for you.”

“…”

Seo Chiyoung only listened to Jang Wigeon’s words without replying. Jang Wigeon dropped his gaze to look at his feet, then let out a low sigh.

“I like you, Mr. Chiyoung…. No, would it sound too arrogant if I said I like you? I like you, Mr. Chiyoung. Although I mean it in a general sense, I like you, Mr. Chiyoung, and I want to know you for a long time. Like the few friends I cherish.”

Jang Wigeon paused for a moment. He remained in silence for a while as if hesitating, then slowly continued speaking.

“But I’ve never lasted long with people who have feelings for me beyond that meaning. It always ended up becoming distorted in some way. Because they wanted what I couldn’t give. Or because they mistakenly thought something was a big deal when it wasn’t.”

Listening to the calm voice, Seo Chiyoung suddenly thinks of a time long ago. From then on, Jang Wigeon looked only at one person who did not look back at him. Even while he hung out with countless people and was always surrounded by scandals to the point of being the talk of the town, his eyes were only on one person, and Seo Chiyoung probably wasn’t the only one who noticed that.

Among those said to be deeply involved with Jang Wigeon, there was no one whose name was heard for a long time. At most it was a few weeks, or very rarely a few months; after that, they would disappear from his side.

Because they wanted what Jang Wigeon couldn’t give. Or because, even though it was something Jang Wigeon didn’t place much meaning on, they mistakenly thought it held some kind of meaning, and a gap formed between them.

Perhaps Jang Wigeon was recalling the same time Seo Chiyoung was thinking of. After being silent for a while, he whispered like a sigh.

“That’s why I did it. I want to continue knowing you in a relationship like the one we have now for a long time, Mr. Chiyoung, but it seemed like you wouldn’t be able to do that at this rate.”

“…”

“I’m sorry.”

Jang Wigeon spoke quietly and bowed his head. Seo Chiyoung stared blankly at Jang Wigeon, who was silently bowing his head with his gaze dropped.

How long had they been like that? Before long, the sound of the railroad tracks, clatter, clack, gradually grew louder as it approached from a distance.

A train was approaching from the other side of the bridge. Perhaps it was the last train or something close to it, as the long train with almost no passengers on board brushed past them.

The wind blew hard. The clattering sound that rang in his ears grew closer and then farther away, just like the sound of a train.

Seo Chiyoung watched the train as it crossed the bridge and soon disappeared from view. Even when the train was no longer visible and even the sound had vanished, he did not turn his head for a while.

It’s been a long time, the thought suddenly occurred to him.

Seo Chiyoung looked in the direction the train had disappeared, then suddenly opened his mouth.

“Since a long time ago—back when I was still going to school—I liked this bridge. Because it’s a bridge where cars, people, and the train all pass together, I just liked that, so I used to walk across this bridge sometimes. Even if it wasn’t that often.”