How a Loan Shark Survives as an Actor Chapter 118

Chapter 118

 

Of course, when I said he looked “nasty,” what I really meant was that he wasn’t weak.

Compared to most celebrities, he seemed like someone who absolutely wouldn’t lose to anyone, a person with one hell of a strong personality.

‘Which, if you think about it, makes sense.’

It would actually be stranger if someone who had survived this long in the entertainment industry were completely innocent.

‘Team Leader Ahn is pretty amazing too.’

He always called him “Actor-nim, Actor-nim,” but he practically treated a thirty-year-old man like a child.

I wondered if Team Leader Ahn even knew that this was the kind of person who, instead of getting beaten up somewhere, would probably beat everyone else up.

“Seulho.”

At that moment, Lee Yeonjae set down his cup.

“You’ll definitely become a great actor.”

“Yes. I’ve been practicing hard.”

“No, I’m not just talking about acting skills.”

He tapped the empty cup with his finger.

It was such a simple movement, but it drew my attention.

“People often misunderstand. They think acting ability is the most important thing for a leading actor.”

“Isn’t it?”

“That’s true in theory. But if that were all there was to it, then theater actors would be monopolizing movie and drama leads, wouldn’t they?”

The point he was making was simple.

For actors, having excellent acting skills wasn’t the only thing that mattered.

“Actors are celebrities in the end, and celebrities need to captivate people. You unconsciously make them believe that you’re somehow different.”

“So acting skill alone can’t fill that fantasy?”

“Right. Acting is something that gives results if you practice enough. But that sort of charisma… if you’re not born with it, it’s hard.”

He added that he’d naturally realized that after working for so many years.

‘I see.’

But why was he suddenly giving a lecture? Who asked?

I was just starting to feel annoyed when…

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone with that kind of talent.”

“Huh? Me?”

When I pointed to myself, he smiled.

“Yeah.”

“…Ah, thank you.”

What’s with him all of a sudden?

‘Now I feel bad for thinking he had a rotten personality.’

My conscience started pricking me.

I was just about to take it back in my head when…

“You think you and I are fundamentally different, don’t you?”

“…?”

I raised an eyebrow at his strange remark.

“I can tell. You’re not saying it outright, but you’ve been putting distance between us in your head this whole time.”

“Well, that’s only natural…”

“I’m not talking about the awkwardness of meeting for the first time.”

The way he stared at me made me uncomfortable.

What exactly was he trying to say?

I couldn’t figure it out, but strangely enough, I wanted to avoid the conversation.

“How should I put it? You seem convinced that, unlike me, you won’t throw yourself body and soul into acting.”

“…Well, of course?”

I would’ve preferred that someone serious about acting never discover my true thoughts, but if he’d already figured them out, there was no point hiding.

He wasn’t the supervisor of my life.

Why should I hide that I acted to make money?

Yet despite my confidence, his smile only deepened.

“Really? With those eyes?”

What’s wrong with my eyes…

Without thinking, I raised my hand to touch them, then froze.

Only then did I realize how swollen they were after crying all night.

“Here. Put this on your eyes.”

“…Thank you.”

Before I knew it, Lee Yeonjae had handed me an ice pack.

Since I didn’t know what to say and wanted some time to think, I covered my eyes with it.

‘Ugh, cold.’

“Don’t misunderstand. I’m not mocking you. I’m saying this because I want to help.”

“What kind of help?”

“When I first started acting, I thought similarly to you, and it made things hard. Do you know the term ‘Impostor Syndrome’?”

He explained in a quiet voice.

Impostor Syndrome.

A psychological phenomenon where someone who objectively possesses sufficient ability and achievements still feels like a fraud.

“They can’t accept success as their own accomplishment. Even when praised, they think they just got lucky or that one day people will discover who they really are.”

“Then I don’t think that’s me.”

I answered confidently without removing the ice pack.

“If I succeed, I think it’s because I did well.”

“That’s good. Then do you agree that you’re good at acting because you’re sincere about it?”

“Well, that’s…”

Wasn’t that a different issue?

I lowered the ice pack and looked at him as if he were ridiculous.

I wanted him to realize the contradiction in his words, but instead, he pointed out mine.

“Can you be good at acting without being sincere?”

“Of course. Acting is still a skill. Do you need sincerity to master a skill?”

“That’s true. You don’t necessarily need to love something to become a professional.”

Exactly.

That’s what I was saying.

But Lee Yeonjae didn’t back down.

“But that’s not the issue.”

“Then what is?”

“Whether you can truly believe you’re good without sincerity. You say you’re not serious about acting. But if you still want to do well, know you’re good at it, and consider that your own achievement, then wasn’t that sincerity in itself?”

‘Ah.’

That damn sincerity again.

The repeated word irritated me.

Why was it so important?

“Do you dislike the fact that I think I’m not serious about acting?”

“No. Who am I to dislike that?”

Lee Yeonjae replied calmly despite my irritation.

Then what did he want?

When I asked, he looked at me quietly.

“I just don’t want you to leave yourself an escape route by saying you’re not sincere, only to end up falling into it. I did that once.”

“……”

“I had my own reasons for acting. I wasn’t doing it for pure reasons. And when I saw people liking me, I felt guilty.”

He looked away as though recalling a distant memory.

“The truth was… acting was way more fun than I expected. I liked that I was talented too. But I couldn’t admit it quickly. I thought I wasn’t allowed to.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought I wasn’t allowed to enjoy myself? Well, that’s ancient history. I know that’s not your case.”

Lee Yeonjae smiled.

A smile filled with countless stories.

The smile of an adult who had already overcome all of them.

“Anyway, it took me a long time to accept that I really loved acting. It also took me a long time to fully accept the love of my fans. In the end, I realized it all stemmed from my defensive attitude.”

“Do I seem defensive too?”

“Yeah. Quite a lot.”

Which is it? A little or a lot?

I felt strangely petulant.

Thinking about it, I could’ve just dismissed everything he said as an industry senior nagging and ignored it.

‘Why did it bother me so much?’

I swallowed a sigh.

“Sorry for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

Even as he said that, he swapped out the ice pack in my hand for a fresh one.

“I only said it because I want you to fully enjoy acting. I don’t want you to feel like a fraud.”

“What do you mean by fraud?”

Isn’t acting itself a kind of fraud?

‘You’re getting paid to imitate someone else.’

No matter what he said, I had countless rebuttals prepared.

But his answer was something I never expected.

“Thinking that you’re someone who doesn’t deserve to be loved.”

“……”

“Thinking that people love the character you played, not you as a person. Thinking that makes you a fraud…”

“Okay. That’s enough.”

Even though I interrupted him, he didn’t look offended.

Instead, as if he understood why I felt uncomfortable, he changed the topic.

“Jinbae hyung told me you and I are very alike.”

He added that although Team Leader Ahn wasn’t by his side twenty-four hours a day, Team Leader Ahn had always been his main manager.

“He’s never said something like that in seventeen years. So I couldn’t help getting curious.”

He apologized again, saying he knew he was meddling but had ended up lecturing anyway.

“No. Thank you for the advice.”

“I wasn’t joking earlier.”

What?

When I looked up, his eyes were smiling.

“I hope the day comes when we get to act together.”

“……”

I shut my mouth at that gentle smile.

‘You should never deal with old souls.’

Ignoring the sensation that he’d seen right through me, I hurriedly covered my eyes with the ice pack.

 

***

 

Choo Seomok finally recovered after three more days.

As soon as he was fully better, I smacked him on the back.

“Why did you hit me?”

Even after being hit, he only asked curiously.

“You made things hard for me.”

“Huh?”

If it hadn’t been for Choo Seomok, I never would’ve met Lee Yeonjae.

Honestly, what he’d said that day wasn’t even that serious, but somehow I couldn’t shake it off.

Those words kept ringing in my ears, making me want to punch someone.

‘But I can’t hit Lee Yeonjae.’

No matter how annoying he’d made me, I couldn’t hit him.

Not because he was famous.

Because he was ridiculously rich.

‘I don’t want to go bankrupt paying compensation.’

So I settled for bullying the easy target, Choo Seomok.

“You’re Team Leader Ahn’s cousin, right?”

“Yes.”

Choo Seomok stared at me as though asking if I’d only just figured that out.

That insolent look instantly erased all thoughts of Lee Yeonjae.

‘You little brat.’

Sure, he was the same age as Yoo Seulho, but…

Still, damn it.

I’m ten years older than you!

I grumbled inwardly about things I could never say aloud.

“Whatever. Let’s go.”

“And you’re not going to tell me why you hit me?”

“No. If I explain, I’ll want to hit you more.”

“Then I’ll just start driving.”

Choo Seomok grabbed the wheel.

The car smoothly entered the highway.

‘Phew.’

It’s already over.

Today was the final filming day for ‘What I Loved’.