How a Loan Shark Survives as an Actor Chapter 48

Chapter 48

 

Yoo Seulho was the kind of person who diligently wrote the date every single time he kept a diary.

Since no numbers or labels indicated the order of the notebooks on the covers, I initially picked one at random. After checking the dates written inside, however, I tried to read them in chronological order as much as possible.

 

[XX Year, X Month, X Day]

[Today I got another NG. I didn’t dare to face Mother, so I ran away to the bathroom. After staying there for a long time, one of the staff noonas came looking for me. When I finally went outside, Mother had already left.]

 

The notebooks were fairly thick, packed tightly with writing.

The handwriting was neat and orderly, but perhaps because of the content, every sentence looked as if it were screaming.

‘XX year means Seulho was…’

Wait.

Wasn’t he still in elementary school?

As soon as I did the math, I tilted my head.

An elementary school kid writing a diary when it wasn’t even homework?

Impressive.

Admiring him inwardly, I kept reading.

There were definitely some sentences that made it obvious he was still a child.

But regardless of polish or literary quality, most of the entries revealed a maturity far beyond his years.

Honestly, I would’ve believed an adult had written them.

 

[Am I some kind of mutant? Both Father and Mother are incredible people, so why am I like this? They keep giving me opportunities, yet I can’t accomplish anything. I hate myself.]

[Mother praised me for the first time today! She said at least my vocalization wasn’t bad because I took after her. I barely managed to hold back my tears. What a moving day.]

[Day 4 of my parents treating me like I’m invisible. I know I shouldn’t whine, but it’s really hard. The NG this time genuinely wasn’t my fault, but they won’t believe me. Then again, maybe that’s my fault too…]

[Mother looks at me like I’m pathetic, and Father looks as though he could throw me away at any moment. I’m terrified that day will come, but at the same time I wish it would come sooner.]

 

It was an endless parade of sentences heavy enough to weigh down my heart.

I was trying to read objectively when one particular entry caught my eye.

 

[Boreumi died. I guess I’ll end up like that too.]

 

Unlike the other entries, the diary for that day was extremely brief.

Judging by the date, Seulho had been in fifth grade.

I spent a moment wondering who Boreumi was before remembering the doghouse I’d seen earlier.

‘A dog’s name, maybe?’

The report I had received from the private investigator didn’t mention anything about it.

I wanted to know more, but this was both the first and last mention of Boreumi.

‘That’s strange.’

Even if he didn’t want to write about how Boreumi died, it was odd that there was absolutely no emotional reaction recorded.

Until now, most of Seulho’s diary entries had consisted of two things: describing an event and describing how he felt about it.

‘Let’s move on.’

I hadn’t even finished reading the first notebook yet.

I sped up.

 

[If I become good at acting, will my parents finally be happy? I used to believe that without question, but lately I’m not so sure. What if I become so good that I steal the spotlight they should be receiving? I feel like they’d resent me even more than they do now.]

[Sometimes I wonder if my parents enjoy the fact that, even though I’m bad at acting, they’re still powerful enough to get me cast. If they ever read this entry, I’m finished.]

[I hate my parents so much. I hate them enough that I want to act even worse. I want everyone to know what a hopeless child I am so that my parents will feel even more ashamed.]

[Writing that diary entry yesterday was wrong. I shouldn’t think such things about the parents who gave birth to me and raised me. More importantly, I’m not a child anymore. The days when I intentionally caused NGs because I wanted my parents’ attention are in the past.]

 

There were many entries filled with resentment toward his parents, guilt, and confusion.

And as he grew older, I could clearly see his thoughts becoming sharper and more defined.

 

[I’m not good at acting. And I don’t like it. Honestly, I don’t even want to do it. People scare me. The more I act, the more people hate me. Every morning I’m afraid to get out of bed.]

[Just as it’s natural that I’m Yoo Seulho, it’s natural that I’m an actor. Mother is an actor, and Father is an actor, so I must be one too. Anything else is impossible.]

[I caused countless NGs today. I wanted to apologize to the director, but I couldn’t because I was afraid my parents would hear about it. I hate myself for that.]

[Every time my parents do something I can’t understand, I become incredibly confused. They clearly provide everything for me, so why can’t I feel deeply grateful? What’s wrong with me?]

[Ran talked about her parents today. While listening, I realized they were similar to mine, and before I knew it, I had opened up about my own situation. I regretted it as soon as I got home. No matter what, I shouldn’t have spoken badly about my parents to someone else. They’re strict, but… they’ve never hit me, right?]

 

I even found diary entries mentioning Choi Ran.

Afterward, he wrote about how his heart raced whenever he saw her.

There were passages about how he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he had complained about his parents to her, and how he was afraid his parents would somehow find out one day.

Seeing the sentence where he concluded that he needed to distance himself from Choi Ran left a bitter taste in my mouth.

‘Tsk.‘

Time passed.

Seulho turned sixteen and became a third-year middle school student.

Then I came across something I remembered reading in the report.

 

[I heard my teacher transferred schools. The principal said it was due to personal circumstances, but I know better. She’s not the kind of person who would leave without saying goodbye. I can’t stop thinking that my parents had something to do with it. She was the first person who listened to everything I had to say from beginning to end. I feel sorry for her.]

 

Right.

The report had said that Seulho’s homeroom teacher filed a suspected child abuse report against his parents, only for it to disappear during the school’s review process. The teacher had later been demoted because of it.

After that, more events I’d seen in the report appeared in diary form.

His withdrawal from high school because of filming schedules.

His preparations for homeschooling.

Then suddenly, there was a gap of several months.

‘…?’

Up until now, he’d written quite regularly, even if some entries were short.

That made the gap stand out even more.

But the very next entry explained it.

 

[A few months ago, I talked back to Mother for the first time in my life. I’ve heard “I’m only saying this for your own good” my entire life, so I should’ve been used to it, but for some reason I couldn’t endure it that day. Before I knew it, I was sobbing and shouting at the top of my lungs. Mother didn’t respond to a single word I said. I went to my room and fell asleep feeling miserable. The next day, I was admitted to a hospital.]

 

‘Ah.’

Right.

He’d been forcibly hospitalized when he was eighteen.

 

[I was locked up in a hospital because a doctor I’d never met before claimed I showed signs of suicidal impulses. At first I was furious. I even wondered if I should force myself to develop suicidal thoughts just to make it true. What did they think I was? No matter how hard things got, I was never the kind of person who would take my own life!]

 

“…”

I froze at the final sentence.

But there was no way for me to tell the Seulho in this diary what would happen seven years later.

Quietly, I turned the page.

 

[But the three months I spent in the hospital were good. I was listless, but at the same time I felt liberated. I didn’t have to act, and people didn’t hate me. If I could have, I would’ve stayed there forever. But Father came to take me home because a longer absence would damage my career. I returned to hell.]

 

After becoming an adult, Seulho fled into military service.

At some point, he started writing in his diary less and less.

And while his earlier entries had been relatively cheerful, his tone became increasingly quiet and subdued over time.

Eventually, he turned twenty-five.

The year I entered his body.

 

[I learned that something called parental rights restriction exists. After thinking about it for several days, I decided to apply for it. Part of me wondered whether it meant anything, but I wanted to become strangers with my parents officially. That declaration mattered to me.]

[But while preparing, I learned something too late. The moment a child becomes an adult, parental rights are automatically terminated. Legally, there is no way for an adult to sever ties with their parents. I was too late.]

[I think I sat there blankly for a long time after hearing that. The lawyer, who had been watching my reaction, said I could at least apply to keep my address private. Maybe that would’ve helped if I weren’t a celebrity. In the end, I asked him to cancel everything. What had I spent all those days agonizing over?]

 

After that came a series of entries that weren’t particularly meaningful.

He calmly wrote about what he’d done that day.

There were no more mentions of his parents.

The very last diary entry read:

 

[I should’ve smiled more at the people who smiled at me. That’s my regret.]

 

With that simple sentence, the diary ended.

My overall impression after finishing it?

“…This guy should never have become an actor.”

The words came out of my mouth sincerely.

Yoo Seulho should’ve been a writer.

Seriously, why was he so good at writing?

“What a waste.”

As I flipped through the diary again, I finally noticed that I was thirsty.

When I checked the clock, more than two hours had already passed.

It was so well written that I hadn’t felt the passage of time at all.

‘Whew.’

Only now did I truly understand the person called Yoo Seulho.

I felt genuinely sorry for someone who had spent his entire life drowning in guilt.

Back when I’d only known him for a short time, I’d honestly found him frustrating.

Now I realized he couldn’t have turned out any other way.

‘Is this what they call gaslighting?’

After being manipulated by his parents for decades, breaking free couldn’t have been easy.

That’s probably why he made that choice in the end.

‘I do feel a little sorry.’

Seeing those lines where he tortured himself by wondering whether his parents would’ve been prouder if someone else had been Yoo Seulho made me feel awkward.

Especially after the spectacular display of filial rebellion I’d just put on at his family home.

‘I wonder if Yoo Seulho will ever wake up again.’

What were the odds that the consciousness inside my original body was actually Yoo Seulho?

What were the odds that he’d wake up and get a second chance at life?

Trying to calculate the probability of something this absurd was meaningless.

Even so, I found myself hoping that he could be happy from now on.

‘If he regains consciousness only to discover his original body is getting cursed at by everyone, that’ll be pretty depressing.’

I had no idea whether that day would ever come.

But I wanted to do everything I could.

‘For my sake, and for yours.’

I’ll do my best, Yoo Seulho.