Debuting by Riding the Returnee’s Bus Chapter 41

JH

 

“Thank you, Haejun hyung.”

 

“For what? There’s nothing to be thankful for. We’re a team.”

 

“Even so. You stayed behind like this to practice with me… I feel like I’m just stealing your personal time. Especially since I already ruined this mission for you….”

 

“No. Don’t think like that. It wasn’t just you, Jinho; everyone was lacking, which is why we didn’t get a good result. And I’m not staying here just because of you. I felt like I needed more practice myself, so that’s why I stayed.”

 

Kim Haejun came into view. He looked incredibly worried about me—no, about JH.

 

‘This… this… It’s been a long time since I felt this.’

 

I’d occasionally glimpsed fragments of memories before, but it had been a long time since I’d synchronized with them to this extent.

 

It was surprising that I could sync this deeply with a soul that hadn’t even turned into a malevolent spirit.

 

It felt as though I’d been dragged directly into memories from the past—back into that audition survival program itself.

 

‘That much…’

 

I realized these memories were like a deep-seated obsession for JH. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say these were the very memories keeping his soul intact right now.

 

‘Or more accurately… maybe they’re his most cherished memories?’

 

As if confirming my suspicion, the sound of Kim Haejun and JH’s conversation reached me.

 

“Still….”

 

“And… honestly, I received help from you too, Jinho.”

 

“Huh? Me? I helped you, hyung?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What? When?”

 

“Do you remember our second mission?”

 

“Yes. The one where you did the arrangement….”

 

I remembered.

 

They weren’t my memories, but I remembered them all the same.

 

At the time, Kim Haejun had been solely responsible for arranging the mission song, and the immense pressure had been crushing him.

 

The other trainees in the same group all expected Kim Haejun to handle everything somehow. I remembered Kim Haejun locking himself in a room, focusing solely on the work to meet their expectations.

 

When the cameras were on, everyone pretended to cheer him on or try to be with him, but once the cameras were off, they all ignored him.

 

There was even a guy who openly voiced his dissatisfaction, saying he didn’t like the arrangement. You could just imagine just how overwhelming the pressure on Kim Haejun had been.

 

“Back then, you….”

 

“Me? I didn’t do anything….”

 

No, he didn’t do ‘nothing’.

 

JH himself didn’t remember, but as I peeked through the fragments of his subconscious, I could see it.

 

Kim Haejun had asked, ‘Why aren’t you sleeping yet?’

 

And JH replied, ‘Because we’re a team. I should stay with you.’

 

He didn’t do anything specific, but he stayed by Kim Haejun’s side while he worked alone.

 

It might seem like a small kindness or just a sense of responsibility, but that incident seemed to have taken a large place in Kim Haejun’s heart.

 

And then, the perspective shifted again. This time, it looked like a period a bit further in the future.

 

I saw Kim Haejun and JH embracing each other tightly.

 

“Hyung! Thank you! If it weren’t for you… I….”

 

“Hey. What are you thanking me for? We’re a team. And… we’ll continue to be a team from now on.”

 

“Yes!”

 

Confetti and fireworks exploded around them. It must have been the moment Kim Haejun and JH were both selected for the debut group.

 

We—no, the two of them—shared a room in the dormitory and were practically inseparable.

 

In fact, they relied on each other so much that it was almost impossible to understand why they were always together.

 

It wasn’t just JH relying on Kim Haejun.

 

Kim Haejun also seemed to be relying on JH.

 

Though JH didn’t seem to realize it, in my eyes, it looked like Kim Haejun was actually the one leaning on JH more.

 

Even the other trainees of TOP9 seemed to vaguely sense this.

 

Perhaps that was why they were even more hostile toward JH.

 

To them, it looked like the eyesore JH was monopolizing Kim Haejun, who was the undisputed pillar of TOP9.

 

Their anxiety about potentially failing to succeed even after making the debut group caused their sparks of anger to fly toward the wrong target.

 

‘Wait… so these things really happened?’

 

“…….”

 

“…….”

 

“Hey. F*ck, can’t you do it right?”

 

“I-I’m sorry, hyung.”

 

“No… forget it. Seriously, how many times are you going to mess up this part by yourself? We can’t make any progress because of you. Honestly, shouldn’t you feel sorry for the rest of the members by now? You should be cutting back on sleep if that’s what it takes to practice… Isn’t the reason our debut keeps getting delayed basically because of you?”

 

“I’m sorry….”

 

“You’re seriously pissing me off. If we’d debuted the normal way, a guy like you wouldn’t have even adapted properly as a trainee, let alone made the debut lineup. You know that, right? You only got into the TOP9 because of sympathy votes.”

 

‘Whoa… why would he say something like that?’

 

It seemed I wasn’t the only one uncomfortable with the TOP9 member’s vitriol.

 

“That’s enough, hyung.”

 

Kim Haejun’s voice cut in immediately.

 

“Cut it out already, Kim Haejun. Isn’t the reason he’s never improving because you keep coddling him like this?”

 

“He’s getting better. And honestly, in my eyes….”

 

“So, with the debut right around the corner, you want us to be satisfied with ‘getting better’?”

 

“Still… we’re a team.”

 

“…….”

 

“…….”

 

The perspective shifted again.

 

“Thank you, hyung.”

 

“It’s okay, Jinho. It’s not your fault. In my eyes, you are improving. And… it’s not like you got in on sympathy votes like the others said….”

 

“No. I… I did get in on sympathy votes.”

 

“What?”

 

“I know I’m lacking. I’m not an idiot. The only reason I made it into this group of nine… is because I was lucky. Everyone voted for me because they felt sorry for me. No, honestly, I got in because of you, hyung. Because we’re close. Because we look like we have good chemistry. The fans cheered for that. I know that too. Honestly, I knew I’d benefit by getting close to you, and I….”

 

“No, let’s stop talking for today.”

 

“…….”

 

“Whatever the reason, whatever the process, it doesn’t matter.”

 

“…….”

 

“What matters is that you entered TOP9 with us, and we are one team.”

 

And then, the perspective shifted once more. Various scenes flashed by rapidly.

 

Most of them were scenes of JH spending time in the practice room. Even from an objective perspective, JH’s dancing was clearly lacking, but…

 

‘He’s growing step by step.’

 

I could see him improving little by little.

 

He practiced so desperately that even Kim Haejun and the TOP9 staff often looked genuinely worried about him.

 

And then, the perspective shifted again.

 

This time, the person standing before JH wasn’t Kim Haejun. I see the TOP9 member who had bullied JH before.

 

However, I couldn’t see the guy’s face clearly. JH was probably crying.

 

“Even you have to realize you’re just dragging everyone down, don’t you?”

 

“…….”

 

“I’m not talking about being a nuisance to us. Don’t you think you’re a nuisance to Haejun, who is losing his mind trying to take care of you?”

 

“That’s….”

 

“Do you even know how much you’re exhausting Haejun? Every single day after practice, he stays behind to help with your personal training. Whenever you cry, he has to comfort you and act like your emotional dumping ground. He’s not your babysitter… Do you seriously think you’re helping this group?”

 

‘Wow, that’s some top-tier gaslighting. It wasn’t even that bad, was it?’

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No, don’t be sorry to us. You should be sorry to Haejun. He’s already struggling enough with the arrangements, but you’re holding onto him all day… Do you think clinging to Kim Haejun here is going to benefit you or something?”

 

“I-it’s not like that….”

 

“…….”

 

“It’s really not like that….”

 

“I’m saying this as your hyung because I genuinely want to give you advice, Jinho.”

 

“…….”

 

“I’m telling you this because I know you’ve been talking to the company lately….”

 

“…….”

 

“To the company, to us, and especially to Haejun… please, stop being a nuisance. I’m begging you, okay?”

 

This must have been the deciding factor.

 

‘Even without this….’

 

He seemed soft-hearted….

 

No, his heart was definitely soft. The fact that he didn’t turn into an evil spirit despite going through this was proof of his gentle nature.

 

‘And he was still young, too.’

 

I could guarantee that if it were me, I wouldn’t have just sat there and taken it. I would have taken some kind of action, whether it was confronting them or sending them to rock bottom in return.

 

JH seemed utterly exhausted from the constant and persistent gaslighting.

 

As I thought before, bringing up Kim Haejun was the finishing blow.

 

Yes, anyone could see that this was the reason JH left TOP9.

 

After standing there sniffling for a long time, he started walking back toward the dormitory, only to stop and turn around again. He was afraid that if he went back, he’d run straight into Kim Haejun.

 

I continued hearing JH’s inner thoughts.

 

In truth, he didn’t want to leave TOP9.

 

He didn’t want to leave Kim Haejun.

 

He kept replaying the words Kim Haejun used to mutter habitually: ‘We’re a team’. He was truly agonizing over it.

 

‘No, f*ck this, just tell Kim Haejun.’

 

Or at least…

 

‘Just talk to him, whether it’s for advice or whatever. Why can’t you just say it?’

 

But he was even careful about that, worried that even talking to him would feel like a burden to Kim Haejun.

 

‘This is so frustrating I’m going crazy.’

 

In the end, he even made a phone call.

 

Not to Kim Haejun, but to a staff member at the agency.

 

‘Ah, this is really making my blood boil.’

 

And then….

 

‘No, why on earth are you blocking Kim Haejun?’

 

He never sent the long message he’d painstakingly written.

 

He thought it over again and again, but ultimately convinced himself that the best thing he could do was simply support Kim Haejun from afar.

 

“…….”

 

“…….”

 

Aside from the fact that he had a heartbreaking story… and aside from the fact that he met a tragic end, irritation and anger were welling up inside me.

 

It wasn’t just irritation toward him.

 

It was irritation toward the background and people surrounding JH, and the system that created a situation like this.

 

‘Seriously… there was a reason TOP9 failed, wasn’t there?’