Struggle Chapter 10

There was a taut tension between them, unsuited to a man and woman of marriageable age.

Taerok ushered the woman inside where tea and refreshments had been prepared. What was her name again? The list that had been sent only recorded the fathers’ names, not the names of the individuals themselves. He thought it a foolish practice. To him, the recipient, it seemed as though they were telling him to marry those old men.

“I am so lacking, as your betrothed, that I do not even know your name.”

The woman took Taerok’s offered hand very lightly and, as she stepped up from the stone platform into the main hall, turned to look at him. Though a woman, she had the impression of a tiger. Her features were handsome.

“Of Min Gwiong’s…”

“No. I am not curious whose daughter you are.”

“…I am Min Nanok.”

Nan. Taerok frowned slightly as he smiled. It seemed these past few years, he was fated to be tangled up with nan.

Nanok went inside. Already, Taerok was thinking of ways to break off this engagement.

Or perhaps, he thought, that woman might break it off first. From the look of her, she did not seem the type to be content as the wife of a Grand Prince who must live quietly as a spare royal.

∞ ∞ ∞

“You cannot concentrate today, can you.”

Taerok spun the sword in his hand and chided him. Usually, Nanyoung would have become dejected at those words, but today he showed a sulky reaction. His turned back seemed to say, I know very well that I can’t concentrate, Uncle.

Compared to when he was five and had just begun to hold a wooden sword, Nanyoung’s posture had somewhat improved, as befitted nearly a year of practice. But it is exactly at times like this that mistakes happen. When you think you’re getting the hang of it, when it feels somehow easier. At times like that, things loosen up just enough to be easily bewitched. Among military officers, they called it being possessed by a ghost. You flail about as if inhaling phantoms, and end up cut, torn, and ripped apart.

Taerok approached, grabbed Nanyoung, and turned him around.

“If your mind wanders, you’ll be possessed by a ghost.”

At the low-spoken words, Nanyoung, perhaps feeling hurt, poured out his complaint.

“Why is it, Uncle, that you only ever tell me frightening stories every day, and never teach me a single thing that is important?”

Taerok understood those words as referring to swordsmanship.

“That is because Your Highness’s skill is woefully lacking.”

“No! I am not speaking of swordsmanship! I, too… I know that I am bad at it too…”

He knows? Well, that’s a relief. Even knowing that Nanyoung’s mind was entirely elsewhere, Taerok did not end the lesson. Instead, he attached a sandbag to the wooden sword. It was so small it could not even fill his own palm, but when Nanyoung received it back, his wrist bent sharply.

“Not the wrist, here, here. You lift with the arm.”

“Is, is suddenly lifting something this heavy a punishment for not concentrating?”

“Knowing that you weren’t concentrating is commendable, I admit. But it’s not a punishment.”

Taerok went to retrieve his bow. In the meantime, Nanyoung had to hold the sword up as if standing guard. The eunuch fretted behind him, constantly adding words to be careful not to let his wrist bend. Since it was heavy, it was bound to droop and bend, yet telling him not to with words didn’t make it so.

In the hot summer, sweat beaded on the child’s soft, warm body. Taerok deliberately took his time returning, then lowered the wooden sword from Nanyoung’s hand. Then he placed his own bow into Nanyoung’s hands. With a little exaggeration, the bow was as big as Nanyoung himself, and his arms dropped straight down.

“It is a black horn bow. It is heavy. Your Highness should now begin learning archery as well, and a wooden bow is much lighter than this. But in my view, it seems Your Highness would have difficulty even drawing a wooden bow.”

“…”

Nanyoung’s heart, filled with the desire to become a man like his uncle, believing a man ought to be like his uncle, and brimming with confidence in and admiration for his uncle, collapsed utterly like his own arms. He wanted to be like his uncle, but a sense of hopelessness arose, wondering if he could even reach his uncle’s feet.

“I am nineteen… and Your Highness is now only six years of age, so let us not be hasty.”

Taerok took the bow from Nanyoung’s hands.

Nanyoung was miserable. He was miserable that he was still only six, and so terribly envious that his uncle was nineteen.

With the corners of his mouth turned all the way down, Nanyoung asked Taerok.

“Uncle, are you getting married…?”

What is this sudden, random question?

“Well… I will, I suppose. When the time comes.”

“Why do you not tell me such things…?”

“As if it’s some happy event.”

“But it is a happy event…”

A child is a child. Taerok often felt stifled when looking at Nanyoung. Stifled… indeed. You would perhaps be better off leaving the palace quickly to live on your own. You are too naive to live in a place like this. Too frail to be born into the royal family bearing the heavy burden of the line of succession.

Taerok bent his knees and sat down. Even then, he had to lean further forward to roughly meet Nanyoung’s eyes. He held Nanyoung’s arm and stared at him. Nanyoung’s jade-like eyes reflected him. Could Nanyoung see himself in his own eyes? If so, what did he look like? As is often the case, the image one holds of oneself is different from reality. Just as the image of himself he now saw reflected in Nanyoung’s eyes felt unfamiliar.

“Your Highness. Listen carefully. I have said this before, but as you seem to have forgotten, I will tell you again.”

Nanyoung audibly swallowed a small gulp of saliva.

“Monsters live in the palace. Yes, you may not believe it. But truly, monsters live there. And generally, the strongest and most cruel monster sits in the most noble seat. Sometimes, someone who is not a monster sits in that seat. If there are no monsters at all in the palace, all is well, but if there is even one other monster, what do you think happens to the one sitting in that seat?”

“…I think they would be in danger.”

“Most likely. Monsters always covet the noble seat.”

“Uncle, then have you ever seen such a monster?”

“…”

Taerok stared silently into the gentle, clear eyes gazing at him. He doesn’t know. He hasn’t understood. It was pathetic, the way he asked without even knowing what his words meant. In those eyes, black and gleaming like Go stones made of obsidian, his own reflection was cast. Taerok answered, looking at his own image in Nanyoung’s eyes.

“Yes. I have seen one.”

“Is it frightening? When you see it… so frightening that your knees tremble?”

Taerok looked at his own reflection in Nanyoung’s eyes. And he answered, looking not at Nanyoung, but at the self within those eyes.

“No. It looks exceedingly human.”

“Then how do you tell them apart?”

“…”

To that, even Taerok could not answer. For he, too, did not yet know the method. Perhaps, in their eyes, he himself might look like a monster. Monsters, and humans—who decides which is which?

“I don’t know. But one thing I know for certain is that my marriage is not a union between people. Then, it is no happy event.”

“…”

It means there will be no aunt of the kind you hoped for.

Nanyoung’s expression was one of confusion. He bit his plump lip for a moment, rolled his eyes here and there, and then looked at Taerok. His own reflection, which had been blurred for a moment, became clear again.

“Uncle, are you alright?”

What is this now? Taerok found conversations with Nanyoung difficult. Perhaps it was because he was a child.

“Are you not upset? I heard marriage… is a good thing, but it isn’t.”

How simple. But at that easygoing statement, which normally would have irritated him, Taerok ended up laughing before he knew it.

“Are you worried about this uncle? Your Highness is?”

“Yes… should I not?”

“Yes. Do not.”

In the end, Taerok burst into genuine laughter.

“Do not waste your precious worry on me. A day will surely come when you regret that expenditure. It would be better to spend it on Your Highness yourself, or on the family Your Highness loves.”

Nanyoung hesitated, then thought, Since Uncle has picked me up and held me before, it will be alright, and wrapped his arms around Taerok’s neck.

A child’s heartbeat is somewhat faster. Unconsciously drawn in, Taerok heard Nanyoung’s pulse, which he had neither wanted nor been curious about.

“Uncle… are you not my family too?”

A world that would never touch. A relationship that could never be understood.

He had experienced countless such people and such moments in his life, but never before had he felt it so tangibly, as if against his skin. Even when he felt they could never understand each other, even when he met his betrothed and thought, We will loathe each other, he could simply accept it and, once he turned away, it would be over. But now, because Nanyoung had caught him and embraced him, he could not even turn away.