Struggle Chapter 106

Only when standing at the threshold of death did he realize it. Life is short, and his own life had been a miracle day by day, and to live this short life, he loved Lee Taerok so very much. Even if some called that feeling for him lust, others called it repulsive avoidance-breaking, and still others called it a mortal sin—in the moment he fell into the water, the very thing that kept Nanyoung alive was that feeling.

“Still, there is no need for that. You don’t have to go that far.”

Taerok spoke through gritted teeth. He had been a Grand Prince since birth. Even Taerok himself found it difficult to imagine a life that was not that. But Nanyoung was more steadfast than Taerok.

“Uncle. No matter how much I love and respect you, that need is for me to decide.”

Nanyoung had already made up his mind.

∞ ∞ ∞

Returning from their walk, the two also shared a meal together. Taerok, who usually finished eating swiftly and cleanly, lifted his spoon slowly to match Nanyoung’s markedly slowed breathing.

Even aside from that, with Nanyoung dropping many things due to his trembling hands, his strength not yet fully returned, he was also busy tending to him.

“I’m sorry.”

Once again, a side dish plopped off his spoon, and Nanyoung flushed red. Having received strict upbringing as a Grand Prince as well, he was deeply embarrassed to show himself eating so messily.

“It’s fine. It’s in front of me, so what is there to feel awkward about.”

Taerok had prepared a white cloth in advance, and each time it happened, he wiped around Nanyoung’s vicinity. He had seated himself beside him, not across, in the first place.

“I hardly ever looked after you when you were young, so looking after you like this is nice, I suppose.”

Perhaps because they were speaking informally, it felt not like a Grand Prince and a Grand Prince, but truly like ordinary lovers or an uncle and nephew. Nanyoung liked this ordinariness piercingly.

“Eat slowly. Even if you spill, it can be cleaned up, so just try to eat.”

At the sincerely given advice, Nanyoung also nodded.

You must eat as much as possible, Your Highness. No matter how difficult, you must eat. Even so… no, only by doing so will you recover, Grand Prince Jaga.

The physician had also just said this. He also said that Nanyoung’s innate stamina was feebler than that of others, so even with such effort, his recovery would be slow. Having been ill his whole life, it seemed he would be ill to the very end. However, to that same extent, Nanyoung had a strong knack and will for overcoming illness. Because it was what he had done all his life. Besides, now, more than ever, his desire to live was immense.

“I will do so. If you help me, Uncle, I can do well.”

For precisely Lee Taerok was here.

Taerok saw the light in Nanyoung’s eyes, blazing brightly without anything extinguished despite having fallen into the sea. It was beautiful. Even if, bewitched by that, he were to rush in like a moth to a flame and have his entire life burned to ashes in the end, he would have no regret.

“I will keep helping you. I will stay by your side for life.”

How many people in his life had anticipated a lifetime from Nanyoung? Even if there were, that time must have been woefully short compared to the lifetime of others. But Taerok spoke as if Nanyoung would live forever, beyond a hundred years. Those words transferred to Nanyoung, too. If it were not lonely and not meaningless, then that time would not be long and arduous. Nanyoung nodded and mustered strength into his trembling hands. Only after seeing Nanyoung lift one more spoonful of porridge did Taerok likewise lift a spoonful.

It was peaceful.

∞ ∞ ∞

As their bodies recovered, neither of them could leave the capital empty for too long. Above all, Taerok had promised the king that he would return to the capital as soon as he had rescued Nanyoung.

“Leaving you behind, my heart is uneasy.”

Taerok behaved like a lover who kept lingering behind the moonlit wall, unwilling to part.

The composed one was rather Nanyoung. It was because Taerok had been left in a state where he had nearly lost Nanyoung, and also because Nanyoung had nearly lost everything and then returned.

“Those attending me have likewise not yet fully recovered their bodies, so I am sorry to suggest we undertake a long journey together.”

“…”

At those words, Taerok looked alternately at Sim Suhwan and Sim Eung.

Suhwan seemed detached. Having grown markedly gaunt, he now bore an air not of a military officer but of a civil official, and his gaze had matured significantly.

“Have no worry, Grand Prince Baegan Jaga.”

Suhwan declared calmly, without any intent to deceive or otherwise.

“Without self-interest, solely with loyalty, I shall attend Grand Prince Heonui Jaga.”

Although Taerok was currently behaving like a soft, green lover before Nanyoung, that did not mean he was not Lee Taerok.

Taerok scrutinized Suhwan and confirmed that he truly harbored no wayward thoughts. Even so, he tested him, striking the stone bridge before crossing.

“Very well. You must do as you say. As you well know, your family and your life are preserved solely thanks to His Majesty the king’s magnanimity.”

To be precise, it was simply that Taerok’s sword had not been aimed that far. Taerok’s sword was drawn from its scabbard and still swinging around them, and could be directed at the Sim Commander-in-Chief at any time. Suhwan accurately grasped reality, and having grown up as the youngest and somewhat immature, he had been washed clean in the rough currents and emerged a new man.

“Nanyoung.”

Before Sim Suhwan and Sim Eung, who had become accomplices and bystanders, Taerok unhesitatingly cupped Nanyoung’s cheek. Nanyoung, too, unlike before, without minding their eyes, wholly leaned his face into his uncle’s hand.

“You must return without mishap.”

Though it was not an eternal parting, Taerok looked at him with such fervent eyes that Nanyoung laughed innocently. And yet, that smile was so tender that Taerok, too, ended up laughing.

“You rascal, how can such a smile come out.”

“I will return to you, Uncle.”

The journey back would not take long. On the road ahead, he had no baggage whatsoever, only his own body, which he would give as a gift to Lee Taerok.

Watching Nanyoung’s retreating figure, Sim Eung wiped his gaunt cheek. Tears flowed. The filthiest, most hideous, most depraved sight in the world was being painted in a form more beautiful than paradise. It was the sight of sinners who, rather than live in paradise parted, had chosen to live together in hell.

∞ ∞ ∞

Nanyoung arrived at the capital only a month later. Taerok, who had been waiting patiently and living more quietly than ever before until Nanyoung came, had woken early from the morning of the day he was to enter the city and circled the courtyard. While wiping the leaves of an orchid, he failed to control his strength and snapped one, and at breakfast, he could not eat even half of his usual.

“It is said Grand Prince Heonui will enter the palace directly.”

“I see….”

Taerok murmured, standing in the pavilion and facing the cold wind.

“Bongsu.”

He had always had only those who waited for him. The back of Lee Taerok, for whom waiting for someone—save for the king—was a first, seemed precarious with excitement, anxiety, and that slight unease that inevitably accompanies one who waits. It was very human.

“Nanyoung says he will throw everything away. If Nanyoung alone throws everything away and I take that child, am I not too pathetic as an elder.”

Bongsu found it difficult to imagine Taerok as anything other than a Grand Prince. He had been born a Grand Prince and raised befitting a Grand Prince. In the past, he could easily picture him becoming a dragon. Even though he knew tragedy would accompany it and hoped it would not happen, it had been vivid.

But now, Lee Taerok becoming king did not come to mind. He only appeared as a man waiting for his lover.

“Does Grand Prince Heonui Jaga resent you?”

“Nanyoung is not a child who would do such a thing.”

“If I may dare to fathom those feelings, Jaga, could the reason Grand Prince Heonui Jaga can say he will cast everything aside so easily, without resentment, not be that what he is truly casting aside is not, in fact, everything?”

“How do you think so.”

Taerok turned around. He was somewhat gaunt, and that appearance made him look like a great evergreen tree standing erect amid the bitter winter wind.

“Does Grand Prince Heonui not have you, Jaga.”

“…”

“I humbly consider that he is not casting away, but taking hold; and that, unable to have everything, he may have chosen one thing.”

One must exhale to inhale, and one must empty the hand to grasp. Taerok wanted to drink without exhaling, and wanted to grasp without letting go. Nanyoung had known this all along. That was why he was simply exhaling the stale breath he no longer needed, and casting aside meaningless baggage. Because he wanted to inhale what he truly desired, and to take hold of it.

And those feelings were being conveyed, intact, to the king.

“Please depose me from the position of Grand Prince.”