Struggle Chapter 107

The expression on Nanyoung’s face as he declared this held no hesitation. Nanyoung’s elder brother and king rested his forehead on his hand and asked in a grave voice.

“Must you truly do this? Would it not suffice to simply live quietly, without your feelings being discovered?”

“As expected, Your Majesty also knows.”

Nanyoung answered in a notably comfortable tone. He showed no sign of surprise.

“There is no need for Your Majesty to tacitly condone it. It is not a matter where you need to share in the sin by condoning it. It is solely my greed….”

“It will be Uncle’s greed.”

“My heart….”

“That, too, will be Uncle’s heart.”

“It is my choice.”

“…”

“Though the greed and the heart may be the same as Uncle’s, the decision alone is mine.”

Uncle and he were a heterogeneous set within the palace. Beings born within it, yet who could never belong, and at the same time could never leave—precious, yet fated to remain quiet for the sake of their own unsummoned purpose.

He had no complaint about that. But if they were to do something that did not befit that station, then a decisive resolution for it had to be made as well.

Nanyoung had found a connection he had thought existed solely between the two of them also present between his brother and Taerok, and was glad. That his brother asked the very same thing Taerok asked felt like an invisible, sturdy cord.

“Please think of me as one who has died.”

“How can you say such a thing to your brother.”

The king gripped the armrest tightly and muttered.

“If only you grant permission, I will send letters.”

“And then you will never see me again?”

“If I am present, I will only cause Your Majesty trouble. Do not bear blemishes or create stains in order to protect me.”

“Was it for this that Uncle and you captured and delivered the conspirators of the rebellion?”

He asked, becoming not the king, but Lee Nanyoung’s elder brother. His face contorted, he existed solely as Lee Nanyoung’s elder brother, not the king, for the first time in a long while.

“Please do not be so distressed. I am merely becoming a being who is not a Grand Prince. As the existence of Grand Prince Heonui cannot be erased suddenly, I merely hope that you will consider Grand Prince Heonui to have died. For the people of the world, too, would not greatly suspect it if Grand Prince Heonui were to die at any time.”

That was indeed true. It was a thought that even the king himself had privately harbored. Perhaps because of that. As if struck to the heart, the king was greatly agitated.

“In any case, living to the age of five was like a miracle, and life after that was, to me, likewise a bonus. Having endured life each time by miracles, I wish to spend my remaining time—of which I cannot see an inch ahead—wholly and selfishly.”

In truth, from the moment he first saw him, the king had realized that Grand Prince Heonui, Lee Nanyoung, could not be persuaded.

“Because I am selfish, I cannot even possess loyalty. My heart is solely one, and I can do nothing but that one thing, so I earnestly entreat you to cast me aside.”

The king carries a burden of guilt toward Nanyoung. He, too, had not thought his younger brother could live long. He was often ill, and reports that Grand Prince Heonui, the Young Master, was in critical condition had come up to him time and again. As it repeated, there were times it felt tiresome. He had even harbored feelings he could not bring himself to call heartless—that he would survive this time, too. After that, he had been jealous. It was a very childish emotion. He thought Nanyoung, who bore no heavy burden and received only love from everyone, was carefree.

In truth, he had wanted it to be so. Because only if his younger brother’s capacity was no more than that would this burden of his own become lighter.

“Nanyoung.”

Rubbing his face, he murmured.

“I will depose you, the sinner.”

“I am profoundly grateful for Your Majesty’s grace.”

“But you will still be my younger brother, and will forever be my younger brother. Later, when it is not too late, send letters.”

“Your Majesty.”

“I hope that you will be healthy and happy. For all your days to come, live endlessly committing sin and ceaselessly atoning. Together with Grand Prince Baegan.”

Nanyoung slowly bowed his head. His forehead touched the cold wooden floor.

“I will send you to the northern regions. Grand Prince Baegan will be sent there once the Prince’s first birthday has passed, to devote his efforts to guarding the frontier’s security, so I hope that your heart will remain unchanged until then.”

“It will not change.”

If it were a heart that would change, it would not have begun in the first place. If it were a heart that would change, he would not have thought of that person in the seawater. If it were a heart that would change, he would have given up and sought safety. If a heart that did not fear hell could change, then there would be no need for either hell or paradise in this world.

∞ ∞ ∞

Nanyoung’s return was quiet. It was known that he had returned safely, but the collusion between the king and Nanyoung was that, not long after his return, he would suffer from high fever and, in the end, become one who had died.

Before he became a dead man, Taerok came to find Nanyoung.

“How does it feel, having resolved to die before your uncle.”

His sullen voice still held the resentment of asking if it truly had to be done this way.

“It is utterly refreshing.”

Nanyoung answered with relief.

Sim Eung said he would follow him anywhere. Sim Suhwan decided to remain and complete the death of Grand Prince Heonui. He would spread the rumor and become its witness.

“There are scarcely any people in the north. The weather is very cold and the land is barren. You will not even be given a house befitting a royal kinsman—how can you go and live there, you.”

At the end, it ultimately contained a plea not to go.

“So come quickly. Come without delay. For I will be living, earnestly wishing for the birth of my nephew.”

Ha, Taerok laughed, pressing down on his forehead, and murmured.

“Each day without you is too long, Nanyoung.”

“The time you waited for me to grow up was, forsooth, twenty years.”

“Indeed. I wonder how I managed to pass the spaces between without seeing you.”

“Do you regret it?”

At the poutingly provocative words, Taerok let out a hollow laugh.

“Yes. I regret it so bitterly I could go mad.”

“From now on, you have given me leverage over you. You must give me everything. Regret and affection alike.”

“Even if I pour out a lifetime, it would still be insufficient, now that you have become an empty existence.”

“Yes. I threw everything away precisely to act spoiled and ask for it. There must be such reward.”

Somehow, he would not concede a single word. Taerok firmly held Nanyoung’s mouth, shaking it without hurting him. The sound of “mmph” and the soft flesh caught in his hand were only ever so dear.

“His Majesty will soon see the Young Prince.”

At the sound of that certainty, which felt more like a prophecy, Nanyoung asked in return.

“How do you know?”

“Because the late king and my father, the late late king, also saw a son around that very age.”

Picturing a scene that, rather, grew more vivid as time passed, Taerok gently, yet as if he would never let go, held Nanyoung’s thumb.

“Your nephew will not know you, so I shall tell you in your stead what the Young Prince will grasp at his first birthday.”

Nanyoung grasped Taerok’s thumb with his other hand and smiled brightly.

“He, too, like me, will grasp the most beautiful and most beloved thing among all he sees, the thing for which he will build a lifelong attachment.”

The uncle who became the most beautiful, most beloved thing, for whom he spent a lifetime building attachment.

Nanyoung leaned his head on Taerok’s shoulder, closed his eyes, and laughed quietly.

The death he had feared might come upon him suddenly at any unknown moment in life, he had chosen himself, and even secured its date. He had no regret for the decision; rather, he felt relieved. At last, he lives as Lee Nanyoung, the life of Lee Nanyoung. The death of Grand Prince Heonui approaches quietly, like a companion who has been with him all his life, and Nanyoung will greet it gladly.

∞ ∞ ∞

Autumn came again. Before two full years had passed. Though Nanyoung ran a light fever with each season and often developed mouth sores, so there were times he could not eat anything at all, there were no more instances like before of heartburn so severe his heart throbbed, or of vomiting blood.

In the meantime, letters and gifts had occasionally arrived, accompanied by the words that they could not say who had sent them. In summer, a folding fan; in spring and autumn, books; in winter, hand warmers and cold-proof items made of fox fur. Every one of them suited Nanyoung perfectly and filled his needs without anything lacking.

“Young master!”

Sim Eung, having cobbled together a false beard with charcoal and cut hair, came running. Since coming to this place, he had, on the contrary, seemed merry and content. The house, given by a high-ranking person under the pretext that it was an empty house of excellent value and should be looked after, was far too spacious for the two of them and three servants who were given rice and employed. Even so, when the servants went home, it was all the more lonely. Such a fuss from Sim Eung was the first in two years, the first thing to make this house clamorous.

“Young master!”