Struggle Chapter 110

‘Do not form attachments. We may have to leave again, and if you keep giving your heart and trying to put down roots like that, you will be hurt. If it is to protect my nephew, I will not hesitate to wield the blade sternly even if you are somewhat injured—will you cry every time? I will not soothe you, so if you must cry, do it somewhere out of my sight.’

And so Nanyoung cried only a little after Taerok had left, and Taerok, because his heart would weaken at the sight of Nanyoung crying, was able to avoid ruining matters.

Taerok, too, was a sinner. It was not simply because of the capital crime of incest. The king was not a foolish man. Though there had been some signs of pliancy when he was young, he was more shrewd than even the late king, Taerok’s elder brother, and clever in a good way. He would not be so naive as to believe that Taerok had gathered the faction leaders for his sake. He surely knew that Taerok, too, had taken part in the treasonous plot and harbored rebellious intent. That was why Taerok had laid bare his and Nanyoung’s hearts before him and handed over his own life. He would not harbor rebellious intent; he would guard his loyalty. He would become a stubborn stickler for principle. Except for one thing—so that he might forever commit the greatest capital sin, the one he could not give up.

“I won’t do it anymore….”

That Nanyoung had grown dejected was plainly visible just from the round shape of the back of his head and his shoulders. Taerok poured warm water over the drooping shoulders.

“Are you lonely?”

And he ended up saying the thing he had resolved not to ask, not to hear an answer to at all.

At Taerok’s question, Nanyoung whipped around. He had expected a wounded expression, but it was the opposite. Nanyoung was looking at him as if Taerok himself were the one who was hurt.

“No!”

Nanyoung abruptly threw his arms around Taerok. It seemed as if he was saying this: ‘Is it not you, Uncle, who is the lonely one, and not me?’

“No. No, not at all.”

“…”

“Why do you say such things? I have you, Uncle. So how could I be lonely? I like it now. I will never regret it for the rest of my life.”

“…All right, I understand, so embrace me gently. Did I even say anything more.”

Nanyoung and Taerok would live out their lives not seeing what they themselves had given up, but only licking at the wounds of what the other had forsaken. For it is human nature to know oneself through the other person visible before one’s eyes.

And so, to Taerok, this comfort from Nanyoung was more heartbreaking than it was gratifying. Because, unlike himself, who—thanks to still being a Grand Prince—could meet Saon and his other friends, and periodically meet his family remaining in the capital, Nanyoung was so alone that he had given a name even to a falcon that could not understand human speech.

∞ ∞ ∞

The first snow fell. The servants born here, rather than falling into sentiment, swept with expressions of weary disgust. A weariness that said, “It begins now, it begins now.”

Nanyoung woke to the sound of sweeping—shhk, shhhk. He was lying on his stomach, Taerok’s arm draped over his waist. With eyes barely half-open, he propped himself up on his elbows and raised his torso. Between the sounds of shhk, shhhk, a small whimper was heard.

“What is that sound….”

Nanyoung murmured, carefully slipping out from under Taerok’s arm, then gathered his clothes, put them on, and came outside. Even though he knew he would be scolded if he so much as stepped into the courtyard without wearing a padded coat, his heart was too impatient to heed that. Besides, if he made a fuss, Taerok would wake as well.

Nanyoung, having searched out the clothes scattered here and there and put them on as if piecing them together, no sooner stepped outside than his eyes met those of the servants. The two who had been sweeping and the two who had been crouching with birch brooms tucked under their arms sprang to their feet and bowed deeply to Nanyoung.

“You have risen!”

At the brisk greeting, Nanyoung smiled faintly.

“That… what is that you are hiding behind you?”

“Ah….”

Unlike the voice that had given the greeting, they hesitated, and Nanyoung asked again.

“I came out because I heard whimpering. I will not scold. Let me see what it is as well.”

The hope in his heart gradually turned into certainty. His eyes shining, Nanyoung put on his cotton boots. In his haste, he had put on Taerok’s, and so had to walk with a wobble.

When he stepped down entirely and approached, there was now no way to avoid it. The servants stepped aside and offered their excuse.

“That Makswe’s family’s yellow dog gave birth to pups, and they were brought to us asking if we would raise them. We will send them back out quickly, so…?”

“Puppies, you say?”

Nanyoung’s voice shone with delight. On the patchy courtyard, not yet fully covered in snow, white and yellow puppies were whimpering and licking one another.

There were three yellow ones, like soybean-powder-dusted rice cakes, and one white one like snow. They said the white one had been the last to open its eyes and could not suckle well, so Makswe had to push its siblings aside to barely get it latched. Perhaps because of that, the white one was a little smaller than its siblings.

“What to do…. They are too cute.”

Saying why take them back out in this cold, Nanyoung had them brought into the kitchen where the furnace was, crouched down, and admired the pups.

“Try giving them your finger. Then they will think it’s their mother’s teat and suck and suck.”

Kkotnyeo, Makswe’s wife who worked in the kitchen, said with a beaming smile. As she said, when he carefully extended his little finger, one of the whimpering yellow pups stuck out its tongue, red as an azalea leaf, and sucked and sucked on Nanyoung’s finger.

“Haha… it tickles. It tickles.”

Nanyoung curled up and laughed.

“They are truly adorable, are they not? This white one especially weighed on my mind. It’s small in stature, too. If only it grows up well, it will become a courageous white dog that even drives out ghosts.”

“A white dog drives out ghosts?”

“Of course. That is why even the mountain gods go about with white dogs.”

“Mountain gods go about with tigers.”

One of the gathered servants snorted, asking what tiger.

But Kkotnyeo was not discouraged.

“That is because you have not seen how fiercely these little ones will bark to protect their owner even if a tiger comes down.”

“Really? Such tiny things, protecting someone….”

Out of a heart both proud and pitying, Nanyoung stroked the ears of the pups, which could not yet stand and were as soft as dough flakes.

“If you are lonely, would you like to raise one?”

Kkotnyeo, who only knew Nanyoung as a young nobleman who had come to recuperate, asked tentatively. From what she had observed, he had not a single friend, and only people older than him around, so she had been thinking how lonely he must be. Even so, to suggest he play with the five in her own household—strictly speaking, the noble and the base were distinct. But animals know nothing of the laws of status, so what harm could there be.

“But will Jaga permit it…?”

“Oh my, Young master, you have already made up your mind.”

Kkotnyeo cackled. Seeing him worry about permission first, it seemed his heart was already fully given.

“Then hold one first, just once. If he says no, they will have to be taken back out, and how they will pull at your heart. Young animals are as warm as a heated hand warmer.”

Before Nanyoung could say it was all right, Kkotnyeo grabbed one and plopped it right into Nanyoung’s arms. By coincidence, it was the white one that was said to drive out ghosts.

Nanyoung, who had been holding it neither quite in an embrace nor merely receiving it, in a very awkward and stiff posture, at the sound of the puppy’s whimpering, ended up plopping down to sit. Then the puppy burrowed deep between his legs and let out a big yawn. One could not know how cute, nor how warm.

“It’s truly warm….”

Though his body could not possibly have been chilled, having been in front of the furnace all the while, Nanyoung’s body melted softly. He felt he could watch the puppy sleep like this and not know how the time passed.

It was then.

“Nanyoung!”

It was Taerok’s voice. Nanyoung’s head snapped up, and he murmured in dismay.

“He has risen, it seems.”

“Oh dear, oh dear. Go quickly!”

Unlike the young master who was like a camellia flower, Grand Prince Baegan, the master of this house that had become a princely residence, was like a centuries-old pine tree at the summit of that great mountain range. This meant he was just as difficult to approach and as cold. That even such a Grand Prince Baegan was lonely and kept this young master by his side was a fact known to all who were aware. Kkotnyeo opened the kitchen door and urged Nanyoung.

“I will take them back when the sun is at its height, so if you come before then, you can see them again. Go quickly!”

Nanyoung tottered toward the place where Taerok’s voice was coming from, owing to the oversized shoes.

“Nanyoung!”

“I am here!”