Struggle Chapter 145

Even now, after receiving the messages, he was in bed. The sound of water came from the bathroom attached to the main bedroom. Because Nanyoung had insisted on resting more when Lee Taerok tried to take him in, he was lying as he was on the slightly clammy sheets. In other words, he was simply holding out, so utterly exhausted that it overcame the clamminess.

I think I’ll just stay here, sorry for the late reply

Nanyoung sent the reply and opened the calendar.

On the calendar, the date his parents were coming was marked. As each day was counted down, the day itself was also approaching in great strides. Chewing on his lip, Nanyoung glared at the date now only two days away.

“Really, what do I do.”

It was a question with no answer.

Not only would breaking up not make it as if it never happened, but ah, above all, Lee Nanyoung himself did not want to break up. Lee Taerok’s words were exactly right. In the end, Nanyoung would have coveted Lee Taerok.

There was one answer at least, but it was a path he would rather die than take, so Nanyoung buried his face in the pillow with a groan.

A moment later, the sound of footsteps was heard. What arrived first was the woody scent of body products. It was what Nanyoung had bought Lee Taerok as a birthday present. It suited him so much better than imagined that the giver was happier than the receiver.

And with this, how could he possibly break up.

He can’t. He’d rather die.

“You need to wash up.”

Lee Taerok’s voice was so subtle that one could only sense the change by knowing him very well and observing him closely. At that tone, which had become tender with extreme subtlety, Nanyoung’s heart melted all over again. It felt like a seething boil just below his navel. When his fingertips toyed with Nanyoung’s hair, he felt as if he had become the most precious and fragile thing in the world.

“Tired? Shall I wash you?”

Nanyoung rolled his body over and looked up at Taerok. It was a feeling of wanting to act childish. Since childhood, while he had been physically weak, his parents had been busy. Though they did their best, it hadn’t been a situation where he could act spoiled. The childishness he had given up early, he endlessly wanted to indulge in front of Lee Taerok. Wanting to become an adult like Lee Taerok, and at the same time, wanting to always act like a child.

“I can’t move a single finger.”

“But what to do. Nanyoung showed me a rainbow again today, so the sheets need to be changed.”

After they had entangled their bodies on the sofa, Lee Taerok made sure to pound open Nanyoung’s deepest place at least once every time they did it. Then, helplessly, water would come out. To call that a rainbow. Embarrassed and also dumbfounded, Nanyoung glared at Lee Taerok. There wasn’t a trace of venom in it; he just glared limply and softly.

Lee Taerok swept back Nanyoung’s hair.

“When you were little, you went to see the snow with me.”

Nanyoung’s eyes went round at this story he didn’t remember.

“But you said you hardly saw me when I was little….”

“I thought so too, but I remembered recently.”

As if tracing back through the memories of that time, Lee Taerok’s eyes grew deep.

It was an astonishingly vivid memory, to the point he wondered how he had forgotten and lived with it.

It was a very brief moment. Nanyoung probably won’t even remember. He went to the villa in Donghae where his mother, having been told she would soon pass away, was staying. Following her will that she wanted to go quietly, naturally, when the time came, without a fuss, they hadn’t even taken her to the hospital.

It was silent. It seemed like you could even hear the sound of snow falling. His hyung-nim and his wife arrived a little later. Nanyoung was very young, and Lee Taerok was trying to recall the name of his docile nephew, who blinked his large, round eyes.

‘Taerok-ah. I’m sorry. Can you watch Nanyoung for just a moment?’

With a voice that sounded as if he would burst into tears at any moment, his hyung-nim entrusted the child to him.

The child stubbornly insisted, as if he wanted to walk on his own two feet. To have such stubbornness in that docile face. It was fascinating. Lee Taerok stood still, without approaching the child who was bravely walking toward him. Then the little one came up and grabbed his leg. And then his knees buckled softly.

He thought the child had fallen, but sucking his thumb, the child stood back up. Then, looking up at him, he reached out his hand. Flustered, Lee Taerok held out his own hand. The child was so small he could only grasp Lee Taerok’s index finger.

It was Lee Nanyoung. Right. That was his name.

The young nephew was like a puppy that wouldn’t listen. He seemed only satisfied when he went exactly where he wanted to go. At this, Taerok followed along helplessly. When the child took three steps, if he took half a step, it was just about right.

The child headed toward the window, as if wanting to see the snow. Not even knowing that Nanyoung had a weak constitution, Lee Taerok asked if he wanted to see the snow. He wasn’t sure if the child understood, but it seemed like he said yes, so they went out of the villa.

In the yard, the snow was piled up softly, so even if he fell, it didn’t seem like it would hurt at all. Lee Taerok discovered that because the child was so light, the depth of his footprints was completely different from his own.

Did he walk five steps, or seven steps. They walked only a very brief moment, and then the short walk ended as Nanyoung’s older brother, his first nephew, came out looking for his younger sibling.

Fortunately, it seemed he didn’t catch a cold. Since he had grown up safely like this and was by his side. If it was Lee Nanyoung, at that age, even a single cold would have meant worrying about pneumonia. Looking back, it was a truly thoughtless act. It must have been because he really was thoughtless at the time.

It was a very short encounter. So short that across the entirety of Lee Taerok’s life, it was a fleeting moment among fleeting moments. So brief that it was remarkable it left even as shallow a trace as the depth of the footprints baby Lee Nanyoung left in the snow.

“He was really cute.”

As if he had just seen him now, Lee Taerok spoke his recollections.

He had excavated a memory that should rightly have disappeared. It seemed those footprints had barely remained. The emotion that had settled like that, left in a faint gap as the snow piled over, had now grown and deepened this much. Lee Taerok fiddled with his index finger.

“He was small. Couldn’t even understand words properly. More like a young animal than a person.”

Nanyoung listened quietly, both dumbfounded and yet finding it just like him that Lee Taerok referred to his nephew’s childhood as a young animal rather than a person, and because he liked the story of himself that Taerok was telling.

“I don’t like children.”

“I know….”

“But why do I like you.”

At Lee Taerok’s calm confession, Nanyoung felt his heart drop with a thud.

“I should have looked at him properly then. What clothes he was wearing, things like that.”

His whole body felt ticklish. Fidgeting, Nanyoung curled up under the blanket. Then, squirming again, he leaned his body toward Lee Taerok and rested his head on his thigh.

“But I remember.”

Then he whispered, like a secret.

“That you were really cool… what clothes you wore, all of that, I remember it all.”

Some memories from childhood can never be forgotten. Like the first time going to an amusement park, or the first time riding a plane, or the first time getting burned, or the first time being hospitalized.

For Nanyoung, the memory of Lee Taerok was like that, too.

Going to see the snow together was, as he said, when Nanyoung was still like an immature animal, so he couldn’t recall it, but at least for the moments he did remember, he could recall every trivial thing about Lee Taerok. Things like the length of his hair, his suit, his tie, his shoes.

He wanted to become an adult like Lee Taerok. How could he become that way? Even when he hadn’t seen him for a long time, he thought about it every day. When he saw him very occasionally, even though Lee Taerok was actually indifferent and unconcerned toward him, he still couldn’t take his eyes off him.

It must have been a long unrequited love. It must have been a long first love that began before he even realized it.

∞ ∞ ∞

Due to weather issues, the flight was delayed and the arrival time was pushed back. It had nearly been rescheduled to another day entirely, but fortunately, the weather cleared dramatically and they were able to depart.

Somehow, it was hard to concentrate on class. With his mind elsewhere, he couldn’t quite remember how the time had passed. Sim Suhwan, who had been watching Nanyoung repeat cycles of restlessness and then blank staring, caught him the very moment class ended.

“Is something going on with you?”

Startled as if burned, Nanyoung shook his head.

“No. Nothing’s going on.”

Just then, his phone rang. The caller was Lee Taerok. Nanyoung signaled to Sim Suhwan with his eyes and answered the phone.

“Yeees….”

― You sound drained?

Just as he said, he had no energy. How could he possibly have any.

On the contrary, Taerok’s voice was no different from usual.

― Classes are over, right. I’ve come to pick you up.

“You’re here?”

― I’m in the parking lot. Come out slowly.

Nanyoung’s eyes went round.

Just from his surprised face, Suhwan caught on to the situation.