Struggle Chapter 18

Nanyoung’s eyes, with their softly and thickly grown lashes, were gentle. Taerok tried placing a man beside Nanyoung. Why he did so, he himself did not understand. It was simply something he tried because a woman was so utterly mismatched.

In that image, Nanyoung and the man were seen from the back. Their faces were not visible. So there was no way to judge whether they matched or not.

“Who you, nephew, will meet is unknown, however…”

Taerok smoothed back Nanyoung’s hair.

“There are all kinds of connections in this world. Some cannot part even while hating each other, some cannot meet even while loving each other. Well, such things.”

That there also exist marital relationships where there are no feelings whatsoever between the two, and where they are so excessively alike at a glance that they come to loathe each other—Nanyoung probably could not understand that yet.

“But that’s not something I should be teaching you. Since I have no interest in forming connections with anyone, you see. On the contrary, you, nephew, might be better at that.”

Nanyoung stared directly at Taerok. To Nanyoung, who could still be called young, it seemed utterly unimaginable that the uncle he admired and respected could be incapable of something.

“You’ve finished your studies at the Royal Academy. Now you’ll learn mingling with those who have passed the civil service exam, and there will be men of all ages there. You, nephew, might finally come to admire someone other than me.”

“Pardon? There’s no way that would happen.”

Nanyoung, perhaps finally at ease being outside the palace, dangled his legs while lying on his stomach and expressed his bewilderment.

“Uncle, does your heart change so easily? Once I set my mind on something, I don’t change it easily. No matter how much those around me say it’s impossible, even if you, uncle, say so too, I want to become a man like you. And I will.”

Taerok looked askance at Nanyoung’s nape, which was fundamentally different from his own, and shook his head. Nanyoung’s face flushed bright red, and he cried out, Uncle! in a whining voice. Kneeling and springing upright, he shook Taerok’s body. Taerok covered his face again with his arm and chuckled, Kk-kk-kk.

A short while later, the fussing Nanyoung pillowed his head on Taerok’s arm and fell back into a soft, drowsy slumber. Listening to it, Taerok also felt a hazy drowsiness.

They had to get up and take their evening meal. Outside, the sound of rain was falling, and the scent of earth and the soft skin-scent emanating from Nanyoung filled the room thickly. Beyond Taerok’s dimming vision, the silhouettes of the two men blurred faintly and ultimately vanished.

∞ ∞ ∞

When Nanyoung turned eleven, he moved beyond the Royal Academy to the next stage of education. Though he was fitted for clothes with a bluish hue, the fabric varied vastly depending on the status of the students attending.

The learning was difficult at times and abstruse at others, but however it went, it was an enjoyable thing. When training in martial arts and shooting the bow alongside the other students, though his strength and endurance were weak, he was told his posture was correct. It was all thanks to his uncle.

“Nanyoung. They say I am to undergo the royal selection.”

Early summer. The Crown Prince, his elder brother Gak, came to see Nanyoung, who had just returned and had not yet changed out of the blue-green clothes worn by Confucian students. The two brothers had a truly peculiar relationship. There was no ill will or bad feelings between them, yet there was always a certain awkwardness, as if an uncrossable river lay between them.

In the time they hadn’t seen each other, Crown Prince Gak had grown much taller than Nanyoung. The Queen Dowager always said, whenever she saw Gak, that he was the spitting image of his grandfather. Then did that mean his elder brother and uncle might resemble each other?

Every time Nanyoung saw his elder brother, he secretly, secretly scrutinized him. Yet still, he could not find any resemblance to Taerok in Gak. Uncle Lee Taerok was himself. Only Lee Taerok existed. So, as Taerok had said in the early winter of last year, there would be no occasion for him to come to admire someone else. For it was precisely he who had raised Nanyoung’s standards this high.

“His Majesty said he has issued a marriage prohibition decree,” Gak chattered excitedly.

At that news, the thought that suddenly entered Nanyoung’s mind was, What about uncle, who still remains merely in a state of betrothal, and his betrothed?

“Congratulations, Your Highness.”

Even as he answered in a daze, Nanyoung still could not push away thoughts of his uncle.

What if uncle feels hurt? To Nanyoung, marriage was still a momentous celebration. It felt as if he were stealing the celebration from his uncle, and so he could not wholeheartedly congratulate his elder brother. And he felt as if he were committing a sin in his heart, making it utterly impossible to remain composed.

“Your complexion is poor. Are you unwell again? You mustn’t suddenly overexert yourself like this. Do not cause worry to your elders.”

Seeing Nanyoung’s face, Gak clicked his tongue and reached out his hand. The hand touching Nanyoung’s forehead was lukewarm. He could not tell if the Crown Prince’s hand was hot or if his own hand was hot. The Crown Prince advised him to retire early, though his fever had not risen. On very rare occasions, when things that were too much were demanded of him, Gak would feel unutterably envious of Nanyoung and, for no good reason, displeased and jealous. But in the end, he wanted to be a kind elder brother to Nanyoung. Like his father, he cherished his siblings and held his family dear.

Nanyoung was the same. He cherished his siblings and held his family dear.

So the guilt he felt toward his uncle must not purely be a sin, either.

His heart went out to his uncle, and he was sorry to his Crown Prince brother. A chilling sensation surged up to the pit of his stomach, as if he had indigestion, and Nanyoung shut his eyes tightly.

∞ ∞ ∞

It was four days later that Taerok received a letter from Nanyoung.

He had been just about to enter the palace and see Nanyoung anyway, and now a letter. Taerok stopped his preparations for entering the palace and reached out to receive the letter. He had only one arm through his unbuttoned official robe. Because of that, the giraffe in the rank badge, tilting downward and swaying, was distorted.

𝑼𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒆, 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒏𝒆𝒑𝒉𝒆𝒘, 𝑵𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈.

“His handwriting has improved.”

Taerok murmured to himself.

𝑰 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒂 𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒓𝒊𝒂𝒈𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒉𝒊𝒃𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒅𝒆𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒖𝒆𝒅. 𝑴𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖, 𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒆, 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒆𝒘𝒔 𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍?

As he put his other arm into the official robe, Taerok fixed his gaze on the letter.

𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒚 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒆, 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒕𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒅, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒃𝒆 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒅.

“I am?”

Taerok asked himself, his face slightly furrowed.

Is there a happy occasion for me?

Taerok’s daily life, though it flowed according to his whims, was surprisingly regular. Training the guard army, going out hunting, checking the flood control works on the granted lands so they wouldn’t overflow in summer or dry up in winter. For him, there was no particular happy occasion or mournful event to speak of.

“Surely he is speaking of your marriage.”

It was only later, after asking Saon, Is there some happy occasion for me? that he learned what it was about.

It was something he himself hadn’t known—no, something he himself had forgotten.

“Why worry about such a thing.”

Taerok snapped.

“As a nephew, it could weigh on his mind. Is he not the younger brother of the Crown Prince, no other nephew? With the marriage prohibition decreed for the Crown Princess selection, the uncle he is fond of aging further while remaining unmarried—would that not be embarrassing for him?”

“My nephew certainly has plenty of worry to spare.”

“It means he likes Young Lord Grand Prince that much; you may boast of it, it’s quite alright.”

“I’m not of a disposition to boast of such things.”

Rather, he belonged to the side that hid them. Why boast? It’s easier to simply eliminate anything that might cause someone to envy and covet. Taerok placed the black stone he was holding onto the board. Even after that, he kept clinking and rolling the precious Go stone, carved from obsidian, in his palm.

“Still, it seems even you, sir, do hold at least your nephew dear.”

“You’re doing that thing with your tongue to strangle yourself again.”

“No, I speak as your close friend and loyal subject. Sir. About what you cherish, what you must hide, and what you may show—you may be honest, at least to that extent. No, it’s better that you know.”

“Saon.”

“You said it began as a joke because of the rumors, but have you not grown fond of him?”

Taerok furrowed his brow. It was because Saon’s words were correct to some extent. He had been on the verge of slowly admitting it anyway. It was something he had started because he found the gazes of those who glanced his way due to the rumors, and the palace reactions wavering between ‘As expected of Lee Taerok’ or ‘How can that Lee Taerok act like that?’ depending on his whims, amusing. Perhaps because he was younger then than now, such things had entertained him. And now, even though he no longer reacted to each and every such thing, he kept Nanyoung by his side.

He had to admit it. Taerok was fond of Nanyoung.

“Everyone kept saying he’s cute, he’s cute—I suppose I caught it too.”