Struggle Chapter 36

The Crown Prince and the princess had arrived beforehand. After greeting them as well and taking his seat, the place beside him was empty.

“Ah, that is Grand Prince Baegan’s seat.”

The king, coughing as he covered his mouth with a white silk cloth, noticed Nanyoung staring blankly at the empty seat and spoke first.

“He will come soon.”

No sooner had those words ended than from outside, the voice of the head eunuch announcing Grand Prince Baegan’s arrival was heard.

“I, your humble subject, am the latest. I behold His Majesty the King, Her Royal Highness the Queen Dowager, and Her Royal Highness the Queen.”

“Indeed. It gladdens me to see you after so long.”

Nanyoung could not take his eyes off Taerok. Yet on the other hand, Taerok did not spare him a single glance. Even when going to his own seat right next to Nanyoung, it was the same.

At the frigid atmosphere, as if he were a stranger, never looking at him until the end and remaining so even after sitting beside him, Nanyoung felt as if his throat and stomach were constricting.

“It is most joyous to see your faces like this. How wonderful it would be if we could have such gatherings often. Is it not so, my princess?”

“Yes. It is so, Your Majesty. Having all the family gathered together is affectionate and lovely.”

The sounds of laughter grew distant. Nanyoung, with a pallid face, could only barely smile and chime in with words he did not mean. The fact that his complexion had not been good ordinarily proved rather helpful.

Perhaps he could now understand a little why Taerok had treated such gatherings with derision. It was because he had not enjoyed them, his uncle. Even meeting had not been pleasant.

Soon the dishes were brought in. Only after the tasting lady-in-waiting sampled the king’s food first and he lifted his spoon did they begin eating in turn. His mouth felt gritty. It was as if he were chewing sand, not grains of rice.

Nanyoung’s nerves were focused on the seat beside him. Was he to go on like this forever—having had an uncomfortable quarrel, missed the time for reconciliation, and bound in a relationship where they could never not see each other? Would he grow numb with time? Nanyoung sank into a sense of self-loathing, thinking that, as Taerok had said, he was still young and immature.

He did not know how he even managed to take the dessert. Plum tea was brought in for the king, who had difficulty digesting. Even drinking the tea brewed from sweet summer plums, Nanyoung too could not digest. He had not even eaten well, but it was because he had been so conscious of others.

“Sim Eung. I think I shall need to have some bloodletting done once we return to my residence.”

Nanyoung murmured, his eyelids fluttering listlessly. His trudging steps staggered without direction. Walking three steps behind, Sim Eung, bound by protocol, could not even support Nanyoung from the side and could only watch him fretfully.

“I wish to lean somewhere and rest a while….”

He squeezed his eyes shut. He could not be ill here. At least, he must fall ill after leaving. He did not want to hear stories like, “Grand Prince Heonui has left the palace and is nearing his coming-of-age, yet he still ails so frequently.” He did not want to show such a sight.

“Haa….”

It was as Nanyoung was staggering along. He was walking almost with his eyes closed, lacking even the strength to keep them open. And so, he did not even realize he was tilting sideways.

“Young master…!”

Sim Eung cried out to Nanyoung, who was about to lean sideways.

Quicker than that was a man who suddenly appeared from the side he was tilting toward.

Nanyoung opened his eyes within the embrace that caught him. There was Taerok, having left his eunuch behind. Taerok had caught and embraced him.

“We are within the palace. There are many watching eyes, so conduct yourself properly.”

Taerok set Nanyoung upright with his firm hands. Then, as if there were nothing more to attend to, he passed him by.

Nanyoung watched Taerok’s retreating back distantly, then rubbed the forearm Taerok had gripped. His expression was stunned, and his lips were slightly parted as if about to call out to him at any moment.

“Oh dear, young master. We must leave the palace at once. I shall summon a physician.”

“…Sim Eung.”

“Yeees.”

“Was I unsightly? Just now.”

“Oh my. No, young master. Not at all.”

Sim Eung inwardly slandered Taerok. Could you not speak a little more kindly! Our Lord Grand Prince is such a delicate person!

“That our Lord Grand Prince is often ill by nature is something everyone within the palace knows. There is no one who would find fault anew. Please do not worry and let us return quickly.”

“…Everyone knows, and there is no one who would find fault anew….”

Nanyoung murmured.

Then, he let out a short, dry laugh. He moved his steps unsteadily. He wished to leave the palace quickly and return to his quiet, solitary residence. After all, since there was no one who placed expectations on him whether there or here, to a place where there were at least fewer watching eyes.

“Right. So my uncle would not have been newly disappointed either….”

To a place where my uncle would not look at me with disappointment nor cast a cold gaze at me….

Yet contrary to his resolve, Nanyoung kept rubbing his arm. Even though the warmth of where Taerok had held him had long since vanished, he did so as if to erase the distance that had opened between his still-ungrown self and his still-unchanged uncle, or as if to gauge how much he must grow to catch up.

And the third spring was passing.

In that time, he had seen Taerok only distantly and indifferently at the two occasions each of the king’s birthday and the queen dowager’s birthday. They exchanged greetings, and Taerok inquired after his health or what he had been studying lately. They were questions anyone could ask. The conversation was dry and lifeless.

Even though he had grown, even though he had passed through the four seasons of sixteen and the four seasons of seventeen, Nanyoung withered dryly under the indifference Taerok displayed. He waited for their encounters, and trembled before they greeted each other. Look, Uncle. I have grown this much. Are you a little proud? That was what he wished to show. But once they actually exchanged greetings and conversation began, it felt as though they had returned to their first meeting when he was five years old.

Meanwhile, his uncle was, to a heartbreaking degree, still a man as if drawn from a painting. Just as Nanyoung passed through sixteen and seventeen, Lee Taerok, passing twenty-nine to become thirty, had grown all the more mellow and possessed an even more dangerous allure. The difference between those who recognized it and those who did not probably lay in whether one knew carnal desire or not.

And Nanyoung merely felt that the more he looked at Taerok, the more splendid and the more difficult he was to speak to; he did not yet realize that Taerok possessed a shadowy and somber power that drew people in.

However, Nanyoung too had turned twenty. He had aged, but had not matured as much as he had expected. Whether he wanted recognition from Taerok, yearned for him, or resented him, he was only more confused than before.

Even around such a Nanyoung, a strange atmosphere had begun to flow. The precariousness felt from the youthful man who was confused, melancholic, and trying to transition from immaturity to maturity made it difficult to easily take one’s eyes off him.

“Be careful.”

Suhwan caught Nanyoung as he was dismounting from his horse. A deep scent of chrysanthemum wafted from the staggering Nanyoung.

Yet a fragrance lingered that could not be hidden even by the chrysanthemum. It was like the scent of damp wood and incense one could smell when going there—though, being a scholar, he did not bow at temples. Unknowingly, Suhwan deeply inhaled the scent emanating from Nanyoung.

That Nanyoung, who originally had been as scentless as clear water, began to carry this fragrance was after Taerok had given him the incense pouches. He bathed with what he had received, and at dawn, scented his clothes with incense so the fragrance would linger. Taerok, though he acted as if he would not even look at him even if he visited, continued to send incense to Nanyoung.

Sim Eung had come out together with Nanyoung and resolved to fulfill his duties as a steward at Heonui Palace, which had become his master’s princely residence. Even though there was no need… even though it was rather to his own detriment.

“Where is Sim Eung?”

“Did you not say he went to his private residence today? Please try to get a hold of yourself.”

Nanyoung barely stood upright. Then he shook off Suhwan’s hand that was supporting him.

“…I will feel better if I wash with cold water. You said you came to borrow books. Go and inquire at the library.”

“Ah, but are we not friends? Although I cannot say that you, young master, and I are of the same generation, still we have spent time studying together, so please allow me to stay just a little longer.”

Nanyoung glanced at Suhwan sideways, then waved his hand as if to say do as you please. And soon he headed unsteadily toward where the inner quarters were.

Left alone, Suhwan surveyed the grand princely residence, so large that an ordinary noble family’s house of fifty or sixty buildings seemed as though it could fit inside. Compared to its scale, there seemed to be few servants, as it was exceedingly quiet.