Struggle Chapter 37

He soon headed toward the inner quarters instead of the library Nanyoung had mentioned. There were hardly any visitors who came looking for Nanyoung. Nanyoung did not go out often, and even less did he engage in pursuits of refined pleasure. As a result, the servants harbored no aversion toward Suhwan, who visited with some regularity. Suhwan, secretly proud of the fact that he was subtly regarded as Grand Prince Heonui’s one and only friend, smiled to himself.

“Will you change your clothes?”

“…I had better.”

Nanyoung’s voice could be heard.

The door was slightly ajar. It was late spring, a spring that was unusually warm compared to the previous year. Even when using the lightest fabrics, a grand prince had to layer clothes this way and that, and be stricter than others in etiquette to set an example, so it must have been hot. While peeking in, Suhwan stopped his steps precisely at a spot where, by chance, Nanyoung standing inside was fully visible.

“Bring me the light blue-green one.”

“Yes, young master.”

Nanyoung was dressed in a thin jeogori. Though the frame of his body was not entirely revealed, the round yet long, graceful shape of his neckline and the shoulders where his arms began could be glimpsed.

Nanyoung swept back the stray hairs that had come loose at the nape of his neck. His face, washed with cold water, was especially clear. That delicate and sensitive appearance was reminiscent of a flower Suhwan had seen years ago on a street in a foreign land, when he had followed Nanyoung. Its name was sanhayup. When wet with water, its white petals turned transparent as if they would reveal everything.

“Lee Nanyoung….”

Before he knew it, Suhwan murmured that name as if entranced. Abruptly, Nanyoung raised his head. Thinking his voice might have been heard, Suhwan hastily hid behind the wall.

Nanyoung, who had not heard the sound but merely realized the door had been blown open by a draft from outside, reached out his arm. As the door closed, Suhwan poked his head out. An involuntary clicking of the tongue followed in his regret.

Though it is reviled as a perversion, there are quite a number of those who secretly engage in intercourse with men. It is said that the acts carried out under the name of friendship—while pursuing scholarship together, wandering together, composing poetry, and sharing drink—are quite diverse, and there are bound to be some so voluptuous as to be dangerous should that lord, the grand prince, come to know of them. Suhwan grew curious as to just how much Nanyoung knew, and how little.

Yet if he were to ask, Nanyoung would surely glare at him with that coldly pale face, utterly disgusted. A truly fastidious and difficult master, he was. When Suhwan had first met him, he had thought Nanyoung was merely prickly, but at the time he assumed it was simply due to his sickly constitution. Yet after the Crown Prince’s wedding ceremony, Nanyoung had suddenly changed. He had matured in an instant and grown astonishingly cold.

And so Suhwan, who had his own dark corners despite his decent outward appearance, could not help but speculate thus.

Could it be that Grand Prince Heonui, toward his elder brother the Crown Prince…?

“I told you to be at the library, so why are you here?”

“Eeyah!”

“What… such a fuss.”

Rubbing his chin and lost in thought, Suhwan had not even noticed that Nanyoung, already changed, had come up beside him. At Suhwan’s startled leap, Nanyoung laughed a little. Since Nanyoung’s smiles had become costly at some point, Suhwan felt his exaggerated reaction had been more worthwhile than the actual surprise warranted.

“If there is a book you are looking for, let us go look together now. I have just finished the one I was reading as well.”

“What have you been reading recently?”

Suhwan asked, leaning forward behind Nanyoung as he walked ahead.

The scent of chrysanthemum still wafted from Nanyoung, but perhaps because he had changed clothes, the fragrance that usually emanated from him was stronger, subtly subduing it. If asked for his personal preference, Suhwan preferred the chrysanthemum. The scent drifting now was, how to put it… it felt as though someone else had applied it onto Nanyoung, rather than it emanating naturally from him. Without even knowing it was the incense Taerok had given, Suhwan had offered a fairly apt impression.

Meanwhile, Nanyoung listed the books he had read. The level was exceedingly high. Moreover, among them was even a military strategy text said to be difficult to obtain, which astonished Suhwan.

“No, where on earth did you obtain that? I heard even my father was unable to acquire it….”

If it was something even Suhwan’s father could not obtain, it was truly precious. To the extent that one would have to go search for it directly in a foreign country.

“If you, young master… if you were the one who obtained it, truly, could you not show it to me just a little, just a tiny bit? If you would show generosity, just a little….”

In this moment, Nanyoung could not help but think of Saon. The friend who had clung to his uncle had been this frivolous, and the one following him around was much the same.

…Though I could not become a man like my uncle, I end up keeping company with someone like my uncle’s friend.

Swallowing a quiet sigh, Nanyoung grasped the door handle of the room used solely for storing books.

“Ah, young master. Just once. Yes? Allow this son, whose official post is nothing remarkable, to perform an act of filial piety just once, and bestow upon him grace as vast as the sea. Yes?”

Pretending not to hear, Nanyoung flipped through the book.

Though it could not be compared to the quantity available within the palace, even so, for a private collection, he possessed a considerable number of books that could be counted among the best.

Taerok had observed the day of Nanyoung’s birth every year. He never wrote letters, nor did he ever visit. He still sent incense without Nanyoung’s knowledge through Sim Eung, but he no longer sent medicinal ingredients, and yet, again, on the day of Nanyoung’s birth, he sent books that were hard to find—moreover, carefully chosen ones that Nanyoung desperately wished to read. Not just a single volume, but several at a time. Better not to look after me at all… .

Yet Nanyoung, too, when the time came, unconsciously observed the day of Taerok’s birth. He sent a bow, and sent a horse. However, Nanyoung knew that with such gifts, he was no different from the others who gifted Taerok. It would not stand out, and therefore, it would not be special either.

But what can I do? My uncle has not once told me what he likes.

Nanyoung pressed his lips firmly shut. Even the book Suhwan so desperately wished to see was, in truth, one sent by Taerok. Though his body was weak, that did not mean he had no interest in military strategy. On the contrary, Nanyoung greatly enjoyed military strategy. He was deeply interested in it. So much so that when there were parts in the books he read that were unsuitable for application in their methods, Nanyoung would ponder alone how best to apply them and study them separately.

No one knew he was interested in military strategy, so how did you know, Uncle… . Even now, you are unfair.

“Shall I lend it to you?”

Nanyoung blurted out the words abruptly.

It was a kind of petty revenge. The Taerok he had met at the palace had told him not even to write letters. His tone had indicated he knew Nanyoung had repeatedly written and torn up letters. What use is there in cherishing an object given by an uncle who will not even listen to what I say anyway?

“I will lend it to you, but in return… I have heard that the Deputy Commander-in-Chief possesses a four-season country house, so take me to the Deputy Commander’s Gokryang House at the time of Lesser Heat.”

Any powerful and influential family would naturally possess a country house where they could stay each season. In spring it was called Dongya House, in autumn Guji House, in winter Gai House, and in summer, Gokryang House. Nanyoung believed that, being the Deputy Commander-in-Chief, he would certainly have a country house in a very fine location.

He wanted to be away from this place. Nanyoung’s residence and Taerok’s residence were too close. Between the two dwellings was even Taerok’s pavilion. Even though they were this near, Nanyoung still could not believe, and found it heartbreaking to accept, that their relationship had become one of barely better than strangers. He wanted to leave this place, even for a short while.

Then perhaps, as he repeated to himself each year, with the next season, he might, as his uncle had said, grow a little more mature and adult, and no longer harbor such feelings… . He had to at least hold onto such hope.

“As much as you wish!”

Suhwan nodded fervently.

In any case, even without something like a book, it was a place he could take Nanyoung whenever he wished to go.

His mother and father usually went to Gokryang House around Great Heat and stayed until the final period of the dog days. So Lesser Heat was perfectly suitable, as there would be no awkward encounter between the grand prince and the Deputy Commander-in-Chief.

“Rather, I should be the one imploring you. Young master, you must not say later that you do not remember, that you do not want to go, that you will play ignorant. All right?”

Suhwan suddenly grasped Nanyoung’s hand and shook it. Had Sim Eung seen it, he would have frowned, thinking, ‘Goodness, how did the Deputy Commander-in-Chief raise his son for him to be so frivolous?’

Nanyoung looked at the large, rough hand that firmly held his own. It was not unsightly blistered, but the knuckles were thick like old wood. Gazing at it quietly, Nanyoung searched for differences in that hand from his uncle, and then asked, pretending nonchalance but in truth very nervous.

“Suhwan, have you ever committed sodomy?”

“…Pardon?”

“Or, do you have someone around you who has done such things?”

“…”