Struggle Chapter 51

He bent down and embraced Nanyoung, whispering. At the sound, Nanyoung’s tears began to flow as if they had been abruptly punctured and burst. Taerok slowly patted Nanyoung’s back. The sobs—hiccups, gasps, choked cries—were truly pitiful.

“I’m sorry, Young master. This was not the time for me to behave this way.”

Yet Taerok knows. Even if he could go back to just moments before, he would make the same choice. Even if it meant making him cry and having to comfort him like this in the end.

“Huh… hic, huh….”

“You must be distressed at losing your father, and I behaved immaturely.”

“…”

“It seems I am also that way from losing my brother.”

“Uck….”

“Haha… this was too cowardly too, wasn’t it?”

Taerok mocked himself at his unconvincing excuse. Though he felt a sense of loss and grief from losing his brother, growing up, as man to man, he had not liked the late king. Nor had he respected him. And yet to say he was like this from losing his brother. Taerok slowly stroked Nanyoung’s back.

After crying helplessly in that embrace for a long while, Nanyoung’s hand, trembling, came up to Taerok’s back. He clutched the hem of Taerok’s clothes. Just as he used to do long ago, when he was shy around Saon. Then, as if mustering more courage, his hand rose further and covered Taerok’s back. At the tight, grasping strength, Taerok swallowed a sigh.

In front of Lee Nanyoung, his sighs grow frequent. As if holding something back, as if enduring something.

Taerok stayed like that, holding him for a long time, until Nanyoung stopped crying.

∞ ∞ ∞

Nanyoung opened his eyes at the sound of people outside. He was in someone’s arms.

His eyes blinked sluggishly, as if they had melted from crying so much. Nanyoung slowly blinked his eyes. There was no need to check who was holding him. He could tell just by the scent. The rustling texture of the mourning clothes scraped against Nanyoung’s chafed cheek. Though it could be somewhat irritating, Nanyoung did not mind and instead quietly leaned his face against that chest.

Whatever had happened with Taerok, right now he was simply his uncle, his long-time protector.

Nanyoung pressed his cheek harder against Taerok’s chest. Even the sound of his heartbeat was like his uncle. It was beating with a heavy, slow, but not lazy rhythm.

“You will remember that today is the day of succession, won’t you.”

Nanyoung, who had naturally assumed Taerok was deeply asleep, startled violently at the sound of that voice against the heartbeat. Taerok did not even look down at Nanyoung, who lifted his head with a jerk toward him. His under-eyes somewhat rough, perhaps from lack of sleep, he solved the curiosity before Nanyoung could even ask.

“I have been like this the entire night. The method of stopping Young master’s tears proved rather tricky.”

“A-all night?”

“If not, would I have gone all the way to my quarters only to return and be like this?”

Taerok gently pushed Nanyoung away. Then he rolled his arms and shoulders, which had suffered through the night, this way and that to loosen them. A gruesome cracking sound was heard.

“The court ladies have been waiting outside since one quarter of an hour ago, so let us have them enter now.”

Without waiting for Nanyoung’s answer, Taerok pulled the door handle. At the same time, those who had been waiting bent their waists.

They were the ones who had searched for their respective masters all night and finally reached here. In their hands, clad in mourning clothes, they held court dress. It was a moment to forget the late king’s passing. Because for them, a new king was appearing.

“…I will change in a different room.”

Nanyoung, who had risen while wiping his face from awkwardness, was caught by Taerok.

“Don’t make a fuss, just let us finish this quickly.”

And then Taerok looked down at the wrist he had grabbed. He had thought it was all healed, but it was still wrapped tightly in white cloth. Nanyoung followed the end of Taerok’s gaze and hurriedly pulled down his sleeve to cover it again.

“…”

Taerok said nothing. Instead, he gestured with his eyes. At that, the court attendants brought in water for washing hands and rinsing mouths.

Nanyoung’s hair, which had been let down, was neatly combed and bound into a topknot. A headband wrapped around his forehead and he put on the red ritual robe. After donning the white silk under-robe, the red gauze outer robe, and the apron of the same color, he fastened the leather belt. Only after putting on all these various things, just as he was about to place the gilded ceremonial crown last, Taerok suddenly approached.

Without a word, Taerok held out his hand to Sim Eung, who was holding the crown. How could the court servant refuse the Grand Prince’s will when asked? Sim Eung held the crown out to Taerok and stepped back.

“…”

Taerok gently pressed beneath Nanyoung’s chin with his index finger to lift it up. Nanyoung looked at him with calm eyes. Had he become a bit composed after crying like that? Or was he trying to grow up a little now that, starting today, he would become not the king’s son but the king’s brother?

No matter what, in Taerok’s eyes he could only see Lee Nanyoung, forever young, thirteen years his junior. Taerok placed the crown on Nanyoung’s head.

“At my wedding ceremony, how terribly it did not suit me when I was wearing this. I wondered if the crown would sink all the way down and swallow Young master’s face whole.”

“…That is an old story.”

“It is not that old a story to me.”

This time, Taerok received his own crown and held it out to Nanyoung. It was a silent urging for Nanyoung to do it for him, just as he had done. He slightly bent his knees and lowered his head for Nanyoung’s convenience. Biting his lip, Nanyoung thought that hesitating here would only arouse suspicion, so as if nothing were the matter, he adorned the final touch of his uncle’s gold-crowned court attire.

“Ten years ago, it isn’t even the span of our age difference.”

At last, fully dressed, Taerok murmured.

Nanyoung and Taerok set out together. Having woken at a very early dawn and prepared until morning, Nanyoung briefly stumbled the moment he stepped on the ground. Taerok caught Nanyoung’s hand and waist to support him. Though still experiencing dizziness, Nanyoung gritted his teeth and pulled away.

“Yesterday’s matter… I was too disappointed, Uncle.”

“Is that so.”

“Except for the national mourning, I do not wish to see you ever again for any other reason.”

He seemed to be summoning his courage. Taerok laughed quietly at the fist that could not meet his eyes and was likely trembling inside the sleeve. Perhaps it was a sneer.

“It will take three years for all the procedures of the national mourning to end, so I shall see you for three years then, Young master.”

“Even if I see you, it will not be as it was before.”

“Very well. Since I am well aware that your way of being comforted is difficult, do as you please.”

Taerok replied coldly.

“It makes no difference to me. It will be quite amusing to observe whose heart burns with more anguish.”

Saying this, Taerok strode ahead. Standing still, Nanyoung only glared at Taerok’s retreating back with a stunned face.

I am curious about my uncle, but I will be curious about other men too. Or perhaps I could like a woman. This feeling is a fleeting curiosity. Three years, I will end it before then.

Nanyoung resolved. He cannot sin any more. There is nothing greater. Gritting his teeth, he walked apart from Taerok.

Taerok, though unable to see Nanyoung’s presence walking behind him, turned his gaze anyway. Soon he swept a hand over his face.

Since yesterday, truly, I have been choosing only the most immature acts.

Even knowing that, Taerok clenched his teeth tightly.

I know how you see me, but you alone do not know. Saying you won’t see me while looking at me with those eyes. Taerok’s lips sneered while his eyes were anxious as he muttered this. It is the eyes, not the lips, that reflect the heart, but Taerok thought his heart resided in his lips.

∞ ∞ ∞

Only the king can walk in the center. That was the king’s path. At the sound of the wooden clappers that the king uses, Nanyoung recalled the voice of his brother, who had been the crown prince, then the late king, and would now become king. It was right after the king had just passed away.

‘Now there is no one left but us. Nanyoung. Only us brothers and the princess remain. Let us… not fight and live for each other.’

His brother’s eyelids had been swollen. Nanyoung’s eyes do not swell when he cries, but his brother, resembling the late king, had rather thick eyelids. Nanyoung suddenly realized that there were few features in which he resembled his brother.

‘Nanyoung. The truth is, I am scared. Truly, I am afraid. I prepared my whole life, yet still I am lacking…. I only feel lacking.’

In the end, along with the sincerity he confessed through sobs, the crown prince abruptly embraced Nanyoung. Nanyoung stiffly felt his brother’s weight, then closed his eyes tightly. And then he embraced him in return.

I am scared too.

The words Nanyoung could not bring himself to say.

Bowing his head, Nanyoung watched the shoes of the new king passing before him and muttered inside.

I am scared too, brother.