Struggle Chapter 53

I was trying to say that I had a dream, but since those words would essentially be confessing that he had dreamed of his uncle, Nanyoung shut his mouth again.

“I will wash.”

Nanyoung ignored the gaze of the court servant waiting for his words to end and gave the order.

As Nanyoung turned to prepare for washing, Sim Eung swiftly approached from behind.

“Young master! It is not that Grand Prince Baegan came, but there was a message from Sim Suhwan, the third son of the Commander-in-Chief!”

Nanyoung, whose head ached as if splitting, turned back with a frown.

“When?”

“Three days ago.”

“Ah… it is already too late to reply, then.”

“Well… it is that he has been coming every day from three days ago until now…”

Nanyoung, who had been rubbing his temple, furrowed his brow.

“The message comes every time before the sun sets, so it will likely come today as well…?”

Sim Eung found himself reading Nanyoung’s expression.

Nanyoung, whom he had served for a long time, had become strange lately. He could clearly sense that his nerves were sharply on edge. It was not that he took out his anger on innocent people or became violent, but his words had decreased and he often gazed into the distance. Not to mention that since the summer retreat, he had not interacted with Sim Suhwan even once.

Was the anxiety that everything was flowing strangely simply a bad habit of a eunuch who had lived a long time in the palace holding his breath? Sim Eung hoped that this was merely one of those bad habits.

“If another message comes, I will reply then.”

As if his brief deliberation had ended, Nanyoung said this and turned away. Sim Eung answered toward his back, “Yes.”

∞ ∞ ∞

But around sunset, at the time when the message usually came, it was not a letter that arrived but a person. Not even a servant sent to deliver a letter, but Sim Suhwan himself.

As it happened, Nanyoung was not only awake but had come out to the outer yard, not just the inner courtyard, so he came face to face with him. Nanyoung, who had been absentmindedly lost in thought while feeding the chickens, having taken the task that a servant had insisted on doing himself, spun around at the sound of Sim Suhwan’s voice loudly calling, “Young master!”

“…Suhwan.”

Even though Nanyoung’s reaction was relatively lukewarm, Suhwan was not one to be daunted.

The servants, who had observed the two of them for some time, knew that their dynamic was always one pushing forward and the other pushing away, so they returned their focus to their own tasks.

“Young master. I am truly sorry that my greeting is so late.”

“No… in any case, the one to whom you must offer condolences as a loyal subject is not me but my brother… His Majesty.”

The fact that it was no longer “brother” nor “His Highness” but now “His Majesty” still felt awkward to Nanyoung, who had been asleep all this time and just woken.

And now, the emptiness was greater than the sorrow. Apart from the emptiness, what he felt upon seeing Suhwan again was the thought that sometimes, a brazenness that acted as if nothing had happened even after that incident at the summer retreat could also be helpful.

Since Suhwan was acting so brazenly, Nanyoung’s stiff body also relaxed. Nanyoung’s plan to tell him to go away because it was bothersome changed. It should be fine to share some conversation for a while.

“Let us go inside first.”

Even though they could not drink alcohol, as it was a period of national mourning and he was a son whose three-year mourning for his father had not yet ended, could they not drink tea?

Not long after Nanyoung and Suhwan had settled in, an elaborately prepared tea table was brought up.

In the meantime, Nanyoung had been gazing blankly out the open window, not at Suhwan.

At the end of his gaze was a crape myrtle. It looked slightly different from the ones in the main hall. The petals were a bit lighter, and instead, each cluster was more lush. Suhwan, who had been following Nanyoung’s gaze, cleared his throat with a “hm” to make his presence known.

“Ah… drink comfortably. Drink comfortably.”

Only then did Nanyoung seem to return to the seat where he was sitting.

Suhwan, while drinking his tea and quietly savoring its fragrance, kept stealing glances at Nanyoung.

He had lost some weight. He had become paler, and his eyes had sunk deeper, giving him a stronger impression of melancholy. Nanyoung’s appearance had changed to make his age difficult to guess. It had certainly not been like that at the villa during the summer retreat. Something that could cause such a change in him had definitely happened. No. It had. Certainly.

“That day…”

Suhwan broached the subject.

Honestly, Suhwan had thought that Nanyoung would be shaken by just this much. But unexpectedly, Nanyoung’s reaction was calm.

Suhwan decided to press a little harder.

“After you descended the mountain, I was very worried about what became of you. I even went to find you, but I was only told that Young master had a fever and could not be met. How have you been since that day?”

“I have been well.”

At Nanyoung’s unexpectedly nonchalant attitude in answering, Suhwan inwardly sneered, Well, well.

When Nanyoung lifted the teacup, his exposed wrist was no longer wrapped all the way down to his hand as before, but there was still a white cloth firmly bound around the wrist alone. Suhwan, going by his gut feeling alone, dared to think that it was a wound resulting from whatever had happened between Lee Nanyoung and his uncle.

“That day’s matter…”

Nanyoung considered for a moment, then smiled faintly.

“I was grateful. Junior brother.”

Grateful…? Suhwan was flustered by the unexpected answer.

From the start, he had intended to seize the upper hand and take hold of that feeble Grand Prince to shake him, but before he could even properly begin, Nanyoung was moving differently from him.

“Thanks to you, my curiosity has been resolved, so just this once, it should be fine to call you senior brother, shouldn’t it.”

And to even make such a joke. Suhwan’s body stiffened along with an awkward smile at the corner of his mouth.

“Then, since that time, have you had no need for this junior brother’s help?”

“I did not know that Suhwan wanted to help me so much.”

“Haha. For Young master’s sake, what could I not do? My heart and my body… I would offer them as much as needed.”

“Thank you, but it seems I will not need either.”

Nanyoung sipped his tea again.

What is this, Suhwan began to fluster inwardly.

When one flusters, one is bound to make a bad move. Before even considering whether it was an appropriate thing to say, Suhwan immediately asked.

“Is that because someone else has appeared to teach you such things?”

“…”

“Someone older than me and more experienced?”

“Sim Suhwan.”

“Is it someone I know? It is someone I know, isn’t it?”

Nanyoung set down his teacup heavily. He placed it as if slamming it down, and the cup broke. At the sound of breaking and the stream of spilled tea, Suhwan finally came to his senses, and at the same time, flustered in alarm. So much so that he had failed to notice that even though he had been pretending to drink tea all along, Nanyoung’s teacup had not diminished at all.

Nanyoung stared at Suhwan, unconcerned even by the tea wetting his hand and the tea table. If he had glared at him, it would have added certainty to suspicion, but the eyes that looked at him were only serene.

“Do you not think you have crossed a line?”

“…”

“Sim Suhwan. Though you have some obtuse corners when it comes to learning, I have never considered you foolish, so this is greatly disappointing.”

Nanyoung murmured calmly in an even voice.

“Even if there were such a person, it is none of your concern, nor is it something for which I must be interrogated by you.”

“Young master…”

Suhwan answered with a groaning voice.

“Did you wish to become my lover?”

“Young master!”

“Did you perhaps harbor romantic feelings for me? Sim Suhwan, is that why you are acting out of jealousy?”

Had he? Suhwan did not even know his own heart. But even hastily looking back, it was not romantic feelings. Rather, it was closer to a sense of superiority. A smug feeling that he, at least, got along with Grand Prince Heonui, who generally kept no one by his side. And because Grand Prince Heonui was truly a beautiful man, looking at him sometimes stirred plausible lustful thoughts. Without realizing it, he had been regarding Grand Prince Heonui, who kept only him by his side, as a possession.

If Sim Suhwan had intended to seize something with those suspicious sounds he heard in the palace, he should have at least cast aside such feelings before coming. Only then could he have conducted a largely rational and contemptible negotiation.

But in this place, no matter how one looked at it, the rational one was not Suhwan but Nanyoung.

Suhwan pressed his lips tightly shut, then murmured in a voice already thick with the color of defeat.

“…I heard strange sounds in the palace.”

“The palace is a place where all kinds of sounds are made. Whether they are strange sounds, eerie sounds, or nonsense.”

“It was Young master’s voice.”

“…”

“Young master’s uncle was also there.”

“…”

“Are you perhaps… being threatened?”

Underneath the tea table, where it was hidden, Nanyoung clutched his clothes tightly. His hand trembled violently. The reason he had broken the teacup, even though he had no intention of doing so, was because he was that far from being in his right mind.