Struggle Chapter 54

Yet Nanyoung was a Grand Prince. One whom Lee Taerok had kept at his side and taught. Nanyoung replied with a cold gaze and an emotionless voice.

“I was scolded.”

“Scolded…! From what I heard, it was clearly…!”

Suhwan interjected desperately.

“Ever since my uncle saw me kiss you, he has been keeping me under strict watch. It seems he was worried that, upon entering the palace, if I so much as made eye contact with someone else—especially one of the military officers—I might, at the hot-blooded age of twenty, commit some careless mistake.”

“But what was said was…!”

“I thought I could avoid his eyes, but it seems I was caught exchanging glances with someone else. And given the occasion of all occasions, it would only be natural for him to find me abhorrent.”

“…That is a lie.”

Suhwan replied through gritted teeth.

“I also know Young master. For about five years when he was not watching over you, I was by your side. Young master, who are you trying to hide right now? Is it worth it? Why are you making yourself out to be a beast who exchanges glances with another man just three days after the late king’s passing?”

Nanyoung’s hand had already gone white, so pale that blood was even showing through the skin of his palm. Nanyoung lifted his chin slightly.

“I will not care however you distort my words.”

“Young master!”

“But if I am indeed hiding someone right now with this lie, as you say, then it would not be the act of a beast, would it. Is the one person being concealed here by this lie not my family, Suhwan.”

“…You will regret this.”

“It is you who…!”

A bang sounded. Nanyoung had slammed the table with his palm. On the table, shards of the broken teacup remained scattered. Suhwan’s eyes widened in shock. Blood was spreading into the spilled tea. Startled, Suhwan lifted his head to call out “Young master,” but his words caught in his throat at the sight of Nanyoung glaring at him murderously. He had clearly always inwardly regarded him as merely an immature Grand Prince, weak of body and tender of heart, raised like a flower in the midst of doting care…

“It is you who would do well to keep firmly in mind who it is you are prattling to right now. I hope that the way you are treating me like a lover engaged in a perverse affair, and even dragging my uncle into your filthy imaginings, are words spoken with full consideration of the surname you bear, your position, and your family. Sim Suhwan.”

“…”

“If you are prattling without any thought at all, that would be greatly disappointing, and I am not such a fool as to overlook thoughtless prattle as a mere mistake and turn a blind eye.”

At least, his uncle had not taught him that way. Nanyoung felt he understood a little about the monster his uncle had spoken of. He had said that monsters take our form. The monster that appeared in a familiar guise was before him. And within that monster’s eyes as well.

Nanyoung looked down at his throbbing palm.

“Leave.”

But at the opposite side, where there was still no sign of movement, he added without even looking.

“Will you only go if I tell you to get out. Perhaps you will come to your senses a bit more if I use on you the guards His Majesty sent to me.”

“…I shall withdraw.”

Now was a time when even an apology would not be heard. Rather, he would be dumbfounded. Suhwan, having finally come to his senses and found his place, bowed deeply and withdrew even though Nanyoung was not looking at him.

The sound of the door opening and closing was heard. Nanyoung, who had been looking at his own face reflected in the blood-tinged tea water, suddenly contorted it.

Monsters take on familiar forms.

There too was a familiar face that had not only mingled tongues and engaged in self-pleasure with his uncle but had even mingled tongues during his own father’s funeral.

Nanyoung waited until Sim Suhwan had gone far away, and when the sounds had faded, he opened the window and leaned his body out.

As if to mock his pretense of boldness, his feigned composure, clear gastric acid came pouring out. After vomiting once, Nanyoung heaved a few more times, then held onto the window frame and slowly collapsed to the floor.

“Ah….”

A helpless groan escaped him.

∞ ∞ ∞

In the end, Sim Eung could not help but ask pressing questions about what on earth had been happening lately.

Nanyoung only told him to bind it up tightly.

“I had been relieved, thinking that at least the wrist could now be unwrapped, and now it is the palm…. Do you truly intend to make this humble servant’s insides not just burn but rot away. Then at least give me some warning in advance. Let me find out about a burial plot ahead of time, Young master.”

“It’s not as if I keep doing this on purpose. I am not doing this because I want to. As things happened…”

Yes. Truly, as things happened.

Nanyoung swallowed a sigh deeply.

“As things happened, my life right now is flowing this way….”

“Oh dear. Young master, it is not yet time for you to say such things. It is too early for that.”

“Then from when am I allowed to make such laments?”

“Well. As this humble servant sees it…”

“My uncle’s age? Must I reach at least that?”

Sim Eung glanced at Nanyoung, who was asking impatiently. Then he deliberately asked in a tone as if it were nothing.

“Were you given a harsh scolding?”

“…Something of the sort.”

“So you were scolded and the like. Young master has always had a weak constitution, so there is no small degree to which your elders have indulged you.”

They must have had no interest or expectations…. Having grown up, he now understood the reason for the loneliness he had suffered from all through his childhood like an illness. It was not that they were unkind or harsh, but that they had held back their hearts so as to feel less pain when they lost him.

He could understand, but that did not mean the deep-seated deprivation within Nanyoung was filled.

“Sim Eung. Have I become too comfortable with you as well?”

Having calmly set aside the heavy thoughts, Nanyoung deliberately asked sternly, pretending to be angry. Even so, it was clearly different from the sincerity he had shown toward Sim Suhwan moments before. There was no way Sim Eung did not know that. Sim Eung chuckled, “Heh heh,” and tied the bandage tightly. Inside, he placed a cotton cloth thoroughly soaked in medicinal liquid.

“I shall leave this on and go after half a shichen. Are you truly certain you do not need a physician called?”

“It’s fine…. When I wash, I imagine Sim Eung will help me.”

Nanyoung smiled, crinkling the corners of his eyes.

“That I shall do, of course….”

“You may go now. I need to read a bit.”

Nanyoung waved his hand away. Though his tone was soft, it was a resolute dismissal. Sim Eung swallowed his regret at the boundary-drawing gesture and rose from his seat.

Just as Sim Eung was about to leave, Nanyoung abruptly stopped him again.

“Ah…! Where are the letters that Sim Suhwan sent?”

“I kept them separately; would you like to see them?”

He nodded. Nanyoung’s heart pounded wildly. He thought, Sim Suhwan, who had come in person today and even said such things, what might he have written in letters that anyone could secretly read?

Sim Eung brought three letters with no trace of having been opened. Nanyoung placed them on the desk and paced around the room. He chewed on his lips until, in the end, he even tasted blood. At the stinging pain, he finally made up his mind. Nanyoung settled into his armchair. His fingertips trembled. He turned his hands, tense and cold, several times in the sunlight coming through the window to warm them.

Then, pressing his hands together firmly, he finally opened the letters.

Nanyoung read the letters one by one, slowly, so as not to miss or overlook anything.

There was nothing much to them. It seemed that while Sim Suhwan was foolish enough to come in person and practically threaten him, he was not, at the same time, mad enough to write such things in letters that anyone could see.

Each time Nanyoung finished reading one, he set it on fire and burned it. Placed inside a brass bowl shaped like an upturned gong, the blazing flames, together with the hot air coming in through the open window, heated Nanyoung’s body.

Whenever small beads of sweat formed, Nanyoung pressed firmly at his forehead with a cotton cloth, folded beside him, that gleamed like pure jade.

Though he was this warm, inside he was cold. Crinkling his face and pressing down on his stomach, he still unfolded the next letter.

It, too, was merely inquiries after his well-being. And pleas to be called upon again.

The second letter also turned to ash without any yield. Just as Nanyoung was about to let out a sigh, as the third seemed to be of similar content, a passage quite different from the previous letters was attached at the very end of the seemingly unremarkable text.

𝓢𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓮 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝔀𝓱𝓸𝓶 𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓯𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓲𝓼 𝓬𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓪𝓬𝓺𝓾𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓭 𝓱𝓪𝓼 𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓺𝓾𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓵𝔂 𝓶𝓮𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓜𝓲𝓷 𝓖𝔀𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓰. 𝓣𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓪𝓵𝓵𝔂 𝔀𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓸𝓷 𝓹𝓪𝓻𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓾𝓵𝓪𝓻𝓵𝔂 𝓬𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓮 𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓶𝓼. 𝓘 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝔂 𝓶𝓮𝓮𝓽 𝓽𝓸𝓰𝓮𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓖𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓟𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮’𝓼 𝓾𝓷𝓬𝓵𝓮 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮. 𝓘𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓪𝓻𝓮 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓭, 𝓱𝓸𝔀 𝔀𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓭 𝓲𝓽 𝓫𝓮 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓪𝓼𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓸 𝓹𝓪𝔂 𝓪 𝓿𝓲𝓼𝓲𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓼𝓮𝓱𝓸𝓵𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯.