Struggle Chapter 95

Taerok’s gaze as he stared at him was like a snare. Nanyoung suddenly pictured all the versions of Taerok he had come to know. He had always believed that those versions were not the real Lee Taerok, but that could not be. Those, too, were his uncle. Only, it was Lee Taerok in front of Lee Nanyoung.

Taerok had never completely hidden his true nature in front of Nanyoung. If so, then Nanyoung should have had to be oblivious to the fact that Taerok paid no attention and never listened to things that held no interest or affection for him. He should have had to have never realized the fact that Lee Taerok had always listened to his words, including his petulant whims.

Lee Taerok had always indulged him. He had never turned his back on Lee Nanyoung.

“…You are not suited to be king, Uncle.”

Nanyoung let out a weak, feeble laugh. Taerok frowned at the sudden remark. But his gaze was not one of disapproval.

“Because, Uncle, you play favorites far too much.”

“I play favorites?”

“You do not even spare a glance for things you dislike or have no interest in.”

“…”

“It is not as if you even have many interests…. Even if you had become king, you would have been bored.”

“Who seeks the throne for amusement, Nanyoung?”

“You would also hate having to listen to all the trivial chatter buzzing around you.”

“…”

“So it is a relief that your affairs have turned out such a mess, Uncle.”

“This….”

Taerok laughed as if dumbfounded. Yet Nanyoung was sincere. It had been a plan that would have left only ruins. Even if the treason had succeeded, Taerok would have ended up living forever upon those ruins. He would have lived tainted as the king who deposed his own nephew. That his uncle had not become so, that he himself and his older brother were not among the ruins upon which Lee Taerok would have stood—he was sincerely relieved.

And….

“If I had agonized alone, in the end I would have realized that I hold you in my heart, Uncle, and would have taken my own life….”

“Lee Nanyoung.”

Taerok seized Nanyoung’s leg. His twisted expression made it seem as if he had already witnessed Nanyoung taking his own life.

“Or else that feeling would have grown too deep, and I would have fallen ill and wasted away. But because it began like this, I can at least contemplate an end.”

Nanyoung was sincerely grateful to Lee Taerok for having upended everything, dragged it out, and broken it apart.

“So there must be something I do for you, Uncle, but I, I….”

He had tried to speak composedly, but in the end, the tip of his nose stung sharply. Nanyoung bowed his head deeply. With a fading voice, he confessed.

“I betrayed you, Uncle.”

For an instant, at the word betrayal, Taerok naturally pictured Nanyoung bedding some other man, or sharing intimate embraces. But before Taerok, his face twisting savagely as he moved to interrogate him, Nanyoung spoke first.

“I cut off your limbs, Uncle.”

“…”

After all those confessions and counsels, was it betrayal? Taerok clenched and unclenched his hand, then asked again.

“If that is so, my hands and feet are perfectly intact?”

“I have petitioned His Majesty the King to forbid royal kinsmen from intervening in state affairs.”

“…”

“I also prostrated myself and requested that he take away the private soldiers.”

“…Ha.”

This was the part Taerok was most sensitive about. The abolishment of private soldiers was something Taerok, too, agreed with, but only as it applied to the meritorious houses. He had not meant his own hands and feet. And fulfilling a role in court was precisely what Taerok had desired. Even being kept in check had been utterly loathsome—now to be stripped of it entirely? His eyes would blaze red, he would press the matter, and then immediately enter the palace.

…Had it been the year before, he would certainly have done so.

But now, he was not so angry. Compared to the scenes of lewdness between Nanyoung and another man that had risen in his mind, it was a trivial matter, so much so that it felt absurdly hollow.

Yet even if it was trivial, the fact that among all the many people, the one who had offered that counsel was Nanyoung—that fact alone was profoundly bitter and cutting. Even so, he could not be angry. Had there not been times when, unaware of his own feelings, he had insulted Nanyoung and wounded him? Lee Nanyoung’s betrayal was justified.

“It seems our Nanyoung was not idly at his uncle’s side.”

Taerok murmured bitterly.

“He did not idly share the same blanket as me.”

Nanyoung squeezed his eyes shut at Taerok’s hand reaching toward him. The hand that cut across sideways and then descended—he felt it would strike his cheek without restraint. He was prepared for it.

But what approached was not a hand, but a light kiss. One that merely brushed his cheek.

“You may be punished by your uncle next time.”

“…”

“Strangely enough, for now, I am not particularly angry.”

With the same hand that had stroked Nanyoung’s cheek, Taerok now covered his eyes, veiling them.

“Even if you had truly cut off my arms and legs, I would not have been able to be angry.”

“Uncle…?”

“I love you, Nanyoung.”

Thud.

A colossal boulder dropped into Nanyoung’s chest. Or perhaps it was the sky, or perhaps it was not that something had fallen upon him, but that he himself had plummeted.

Nanyoung’s entire body went cold and simultaneously numb and prickling.

Taerok inclined his head and kissed him. The sensation was intensely vivid. It pulled Nanyoung back up. Soon, his hand fell away, and the confession and the kiss alike scattered hazily, as if from a dream.

“I, too, wonder what on earth has possessed me….”

Only a low laugh remained like fallen leaves, and Taerok left the room.

Left alone, Nanyoung was utterly dumbfounded by the unexpected reaction. For a long time, he could not even rise from that spot.

Just as Nanyoung had utterly destroyed Taerok’s plans, so too did Taerok shatter Nanyoung. Shattering even the resolve he had barely pulled together.

∞ ∞ ∞

The day of the envoy’s departure was suddenly upon them. Sim Eung was secretly packing luggage sufficient for a stay of several years. In the meantime, the fifteenth day of the month, when the memorial rites at the new and full moon were to be held, drew near. And so, it was a reunion after nearly nine days, having been unable to see Taerok since the departure was decided.

The royal kinsmen prostrated themselves first. The princess, Nanyoung, and Taerok stood. Taerok was the elder, so he bent his knees first, and like wind flowing, Nanyoung followed and prostrated himself.

Taerok did not weep readily. That was Nanyoung’s part. Nanyoung, his throat utterly choked, sobbed—hic, hic. Watching that weeping back, Taerok merely wore an odd expression.

“Young master, Grand Prince, you must lament aloud….”

“I know.”

Even at the whispered advice, Taerok was resolute.

“I am lamenting in my own way.”

Taerok thought of his older brother. He was his brother and, in his eyes, a somewhat lacking king. He had been so in life, and after death, he had seemed a being who might take Lee Nanyoung away with him.

‘I suppose I shall receive heavenly punishment after all.’

Along with the sound of Nanyoung’s sobbing, Taerok rose from his place.

Now it was time for the civil and military officials to prostrate themselves. Each of them glanced furtively at Taerok passing before them and shivered. It is a relief that Lee Taerok is not king. That, at least, was their comfort.

Now, the State Council must lead all the officials in performing the rites, after which time would be needed to decide on the burial site and appoint the keepers. That process would amply take one hundred fifty days, and in the meantime, Nanyoung would go and return as an envoy.

A few years. Even if it was a few years, it would not be full, complete years.

Wiping the corners of his eyes, Nanyoung straightened his posture and watched the king prostrating himself. Before the funeral procession, the open coffin chamber must be unsealed. At that time, Nanyoung, too, must participate alongside the king. He would stay from that process, the ceremony of opening the coffin chamber, until the very last procedure before leaving. In that time, there would be no room to even catch his breath anyway…. So, after all that, I can settle my heart, then….

Nanyoung looked to his side. He saw Taerok’s fine profile. His eyes held a particularly decadent air, but his tightly closed lips and stubborn jaw offset that air.

It was the image Nanyoung had always longed to resemble.

Just as his uncle had watched him when he lamented, Nanyoung too looked at Taerok.

He had thought he only needed to settle his own heart.

‘I love you, Nanyoung.’

Nanyoung closed his eyes. It was still vivid before him. The image of Taerok from that afternoon nine days ago. His voice, his kiss.

‘Young master, your heart has truly not changed, has it? You still wish to leave, do you not?’

When Sim Eung had asked that this morning, had he known something?

At Nanyoung’s gaze, Taerok, too, turned to look. Their eyes crossed. For Nanyoung evaded, and Taerok pursued.

The scent of incense outraces the season. Strangely, whenever he smells incense, Nanyoung thinks of late autumn. Yet late autumn is still some time away…