Struggle Chapter 96

The night before his departure, Nanyoung could not fall asleep at all. He paced outside his window and even drank liquor in the pavilion, which he did not usually care for, yet it had no effect.

By the time the full moon waned to a crescent, Nanyoung’s body had markedly improved. He no longer vomited blood, and the stomach pains that had felt like violent scratching had disappeared. And yet, he could not sleep, and the tightness in his chest did not improve but rather worsened. As if the date had been marked, the nearer the day of the envoy’s departure drew.

“Young master.”

Sim Eung called to Nanyoung as he entered to refill the oil in the lamp. Nanyoung, who had been resting his head in his hand, lost in thought, lifted his gaze with a start at the call.

Sim Eung stood looking at him, holding a small oil bottle in his hand. Not just tonight, but truly for days now, he had been watching over Nanyoung like this. Watching even the aspects of himself that Nanyoung had failed to see. And so, after long hesitation, Sim Eung, too, had finally called out to Nanyoung.

Meeting Sim Eung’s gaze, Nanyoung was struck speechless, for those eyes were exactly like the ones that had watched over him when he was younger and weaker than he was now, when he was always falling ill.

You… know everything.

“Go and return.”

In an exceedingly gentle and benevolent tone, Sim Eung urged Nanyoung.

“Is it not a long journey that departs only when day breaks? A long journey, yet you were going to leave without any farewell. It is all right. You may go and return.”

“But….”

“No one will suspect a thing.”

Sim Eung approached and knelt down. With meticulous hands, he carefully filled the lamp with whale oil, and beyond the lantern light, now considerably brighter, he gazed steadily at Nanyoung.

“You, Young master, are simply going to pay your respects to an elder before you leave. Is that not so?”

“…”

Seeing Nanyoung’s slightly parted lips and his complexion warmly mellowed by the lantern light, Sim Eung felt his heart clench. Even for the exalted master he served, Sim Eung had never truly thought Nanyoung would be able to grow this much. He had been that frail. He had been that often sick. That Nanyoung had grown this much was a blessing of heaven. It was a life barely won by heaven’s grace, and Sim Eung wished for him to live unfettered.

“Go and return.”

“Sim Eung….”

“Will you not return anyway when day breaks? You are not a master who would forsake his duty.”

Dramatically, Nanyoung nodded.

Then he rose from his seat.

“I will go and return.”

At the softly whispered voice, Sim Eung gently closed his eyes.

He had prayed for him to live past the age of five. He had prayed again for him to live past eight. Even as the elders gradually stopped visiting at the news of the Grand Prince’s sick spells, and even when told not to report his illnesses unless they were truly severe, and only when state affairs were not busy, Sim Eung had kept praying.

And during all that time, from the age of five onward, besides himself, there had been one more person who, though he may not have embraced Nanyoung with warmth, had silently stayed by his side. Because that person had been beside Nanyoung like a guardian tree, Sim Eung, apart from his disapproval, had secretly relied on him.

“Fate is truly a perverse and cruel thing.”

Sim Eung let out a sigh.

∞ ∞ ∞

Because Kangmu was awake, Nanyoung was able to walk the path without it being dark.

“When day breaks, come and fetch me with Sim Eung.”

“Are you staying the night, Young master?”

Nanyoung glanced alternately at Kangmu and the towering, high-rising gate that pierced majestically into the darkness, then nodded.

“Yes. I intend to stay here for a while before leaving.”

Kangmu did not know Nanyoung’s secret, but he clearly recognized that the relationship between Grand Prince Heonui and Grand Prince Baegan was a strange one. The two were very familiar, yet they bared their blades at each other. It was usually Nanyoung who bared his, and Taerok, knowing full well that the blade’s edge was turned toward him, instead of avoiding it, circled around his nephew.

While Kangmu was piecing together their relationship, Nanyoung, as if having made up his mind, touched the gate. Surprisingly, it was not locked. As if someone were waiting.

At the unbarred gate, Nanyoung steeled his heart. The sound of it creaking open broke Kangmu’s reverie. Nanyoung was already stepping over the threshold. When Kangmu reached out a hand to assist him, Nanyoung refused. Then, waving his hand behind him, he bid farewell in a light and soft voice.

“Let us meet tomorrow.”

A white robe and a casually tied topknot. No hat either. Watching Nanyoung step inside through the gap in the gate, Kangmu thought he seemed somehow like an apparition. He vanished like a butterfly.

∞ ∞ ∞

Nanyoung had completely forgotten Taerok’s remark that, save for his wife, permission was required even to cross the threshold. But he remembered what Taerok had said after he had crossed it: that he could go wherever he wished. Nanyoung dashed through the palace, which was especially quiet, as if it were his own residence. His robes fluttered like mist in the wind.

As if it had been waiting, though it could not possibly be so, as if beckoning him here, a single room was lit. Panting, Nanyoung bent over. Placing his hands on his knees and catching his breath, he entered the inner quarters without even thinking to straighten his shoes neatly. Unusually, it was not the grand outer hall but the inner quarters. And a room set apart in the pavilion at that.

Standing before the door, Nanyoung hesitated for a moment. He held the door handle until it grew warm with his body heat, then whispered quietly.

“Uncle.”

Nanyoung adjusted his grip on the door handle. His heart pounded. It felt as if a tree frog lived in his chest, leaping lightly—hop, hop.

“May I… come inside?”

As Nanyoung waited for an answer, a shadow like a great mountain rose beyond the faintly glowing paper door. Before Nanyoung could even see it, the door was flung open, and before he could gather his senses, Nanyoung was inside the room.

A click… sounded from behind. It was the sound of Taerok pushing it shut.

What lay before his eyes was a chest, and Nanyoung could see that Taerok had not yet changed into his nightclothes.

Feeling Nanyoung’s gaze, Taerok suppressed the urge to undo the loosely tied topknot he could see below him and whispered.

“If you had not come, I was going to go to you.”

“Why… were you not sleeping?”

“And my nephew—could you have fallen asleep?”

Of course not.

For Nanyoung had kept company with sleeplessness ever since the time Taerok had returned and drawn that line between them.

“Since you have come, I am glad, and it is true I waited for you, but as for why you came—since your thoughts and mine may differ, let us ask.”

Taerok thrust his hand into Nanyoung’s hair. As he slid it smoothly downward, the roughly tied topknot came undone and hair tumbled down. A chill ran down his spine. Unconsciously wearing a look of longing, Nanyoung lifted his head toward Taerok. His gaze still cast downward.

“Truly… am I truly the most fascinating to you?”

Taerok let out a laugh that sounded like a sigh.

“Are you most amused when you are with me…?”

“…”

“If it is only me—truly only me—is that enough?”

Nanyoung grabbed Taerok’s collar. He held it firmly, like a lifeline, and without hesitation or faltering, pressed him.

“I need certainty. Even if for you, Uncle, it is only curiosity and lust….”

Curiosity and lust…. Taerok felt insulted. Had it been anyone but Nanyoung, he would have been furious. But with Nanyoung touching him like this, with Nanyoung’s hair in his grasp, he felt like accepting whatever words were spoken.

“Would mere curiosity and lust suffice?”

Taerok whispered in a secretive voice.

“Is my nephew like this because he was born a Grand Prince, or is it that, for a Grand Prince, he lacks far too much greed….”

“Don’t change the subject. Not this time.”

“I had no intention of changing it.”

One hand still in his hair, the other came around Nanyoung’s waist and pulled him into a sudden, tight embrace. He drew him close, pressing them together. Nanyoung’s carelessly worn robe slipped off his shoulder line as if cascading down.

“What do you think I gave up the rebellion for until now?”

Nanyoung’s lashes fluttered restlessly.

“You are worth as much as my dream.”

Even Taerok, as he spoke these words, had not known he would ever say such a thing. His heart had been faster than his mind. Before his head could think, ruminate, and judge, his lips followed his heart and confessed. Immediately after giving sound to it with his tongue and lips, Taerok, too, faced his own true feelings. Ridiculously enough, for Taerok as well, this tender affection was a first. It would be both the first and the last, a scandal no one must ever know, my constant sin. Lee Nanyoung.

Nanyoung’s eyes widened in surprise. The reflection of himself in those eyes was somewhat flustered, but it was also an expression of finally having unburdened himself cleanly. Taerok laughed hollowly.

“You, at least, had a justification to undress before me, but I have none—what am I to do….”

“Now I, too, no longer have anything like that justification.”

“Then is this the end now….”