Charles and Richard Chapter 1

Charles hates Richard.

First, Charles hates Richard because he is blond. Charles hates blonds. That is because Richard is blond.

Second, Charles hates Richard because he likes beans. Charles hates beans. Beans are tasteless.

Third, Charles hates Richard because he is an auto mechanic. Charles had a sexual fantasy about auto mechanics. But because of Richard, he can no longer have that fantasy.

Besides these, Charles can give 71 more reasons why he hates Richard. But since they are all irrational and petty reasons that utterly fail to approach the fundamental cause of the emotion, as shown above, they will be omitted here. In fact, the reason Charles first came to hate Richard can be summarized very quickly in one line: he felt like Richard was stealing the love of his parents, his older sisters, and Cherry (the family dog). Charles first had this thought around the age of 9, and he continues to have the same thought even now, at the age of 25.

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When Charles was about 9. It was summer. His father ran a grocery store, and his mother worked as a clerk handling accounting and odd jobs at an auto repair shop. His oldest sister, who had left for a college dormitory, returned to their hometown for summer vacation, and his second older sister, a high school student, worked part-time at a nearby veterinary clinic for her college application portfolio. His youngest sister, who was crazy about Girl Scouts, also acted as Charles’s babysitter and dragged him from house to house, diligently selling cookies. The reason Charles and his family met Richard was precisely because of that cookie business. Because of this, Charles still hates the Girl Scouts. He absolutely never eats Girl Scout cookies (even though deep down he thinks they are delicious).

His youngest sister Emily had devised her own sales strategy (this was based entirely on the advice of their father, who ran the grocery store). First of all, the value of the product. Girl Scout cookies are nothing but ordinary butter cookies. This means they are not so delicious that you would pay a fortune to buy and eat them. But children going around selling cookies are cute. People think children going around selling cookies are cute. That is exactly the value of the cookies.

Next, the sales target. No matter how cute kids are, there aren’t many adults who will casually buy several boxes of cookies without much thought. Going door to door is the most common strategy, but it’s not efficient. Stamina depletes quickly, you can only sell one box per house, and there’s no guarantee every house will buy. The best location for efficiency was the entrance of a supermarket. The idea was to set up camp at the entrance and target housewives just finishing their shopping and heading home. But Emily had a slightly more special idea.

She combined the two methods. Visit house after house, but target the times when sympathetic, cute-loving, and especially child-loving housewives were at home, and finally and most importantly, circle around a neighborhood famous for being wealthy. Thus, the siblings ended up taking a bus to an affluent area where they had no connections, going door to door selling cookies. However, the one thing that went beyond Emily’s expectations was that this wealthy neighborhood was far, far bigger and wider than she had thought.

Emily and Charles were turned away cold at the gate of the first house. It took a full 20 minutes just to walk to the second house. The second house didn’t even have anyone there. By the time they reached the third house, the two were already quite exhausted. Unfortunately for Charles, but fortunately for Emily, the owner of the third house was Richard.

Richard had a hard day that day. He woke up early in the morning and wanted to drink coffee and swim, but the pool was being cleaned, so his plans went awry. For breakfast (because he was stressed), he wanted butter-drenched pancakes with loads of maple syrup and yogurt packed with blueberries, raspberries, peanuts, pine nuts, and most of all, a lot of sugar, but the nanny said he already had pancakes yesterday and she couldn’t let him eat that much sugar from the morning. He was supposed to play the cello and study music history in the morning, but his tutor canceled due to a sudden stomachache. Because of that, he had to go to ballet class, which Richard hated most in the world (Richard’s mother insisted he absolutely had to learn ballet until age 16 for bodily flexibility, and Richard’s father had no interest whatsoever).

When all his perfectly planned morning schedule collapsed and he even had to go to ballet class, Richard’s rebelliousness surged to the top of his head. But the boy, as docile as could be, had no choice but to sit quietly at the tea table and read. His parents hadn’t shown their faces for a month, but they were faithfully sending him lists of books he had to read.

It was during that irritable and idle afternoon that the exhausted, sweat-soaked Emily-Charles siblings rang the doorbell of that house.

Normally, the nanny would have politely declined, but that day was different. The nanny thought the kind-looking siblings who had just visited might cheer Richard up. She wasn’t a creative or cheerful person, but she was faithful to her professional sense of duty to maintain Richard’s condition in an appropriate state. Thus, the Emily-Charles siblings, dragging a bag full of cookie boxes, were able to pass through the enormous gate.

From the gate to the mansion was another distance of about 100 meters, so the two walked toward the grand mansion dripping with sweat. Richard closed the book he was reading (it was Rousseau’s The Social Contract) and came out to the front door to greet the guests. With a dry face without a single drop of sweat, Richard wore a stiffly starched white shirt, blue formal shorts, and slippers. The Emily-Charles siblings finally arrived at their very first customer.

Emily, who had practiced mental rehearsals over and over, acted like an excellent salesperson. Even in a painful situation where her legs were trembling from exhaustion, her throat was parched, and her body was soaked with sweat, she did not forget her duty. Whether Charles, who had used up all his energy right next to her, plopped down and panted for breath or not, Emily gave a smile as perfect as if it were drawn like that of a Girl Scout promotional model and said:

Emily: Hello, little gentleman. Do you like butter cookies?

The reason she chose the words “little gentleman” was simply because of Richard’s appearance. It was because Richard was dressed like a gentleman, and he was little. Unexpectedly, Richard liked those words. Especially the “gentleman” part. So, Richard smiled back like a gentleman and answered:

R: No. But you, sister, are really pretty. Would you like to come in and rest for a bit?

Emily: Thank you. But I have to sell cookies. I haven’t sold a single box yet, so I don’t have time to rest.

R: Then I’ll buy them. The nanny  will buy them all.

The conversation between the little lady and gentleman was cute and lovely, but the nanny watching from behind and Charles, who was slumped next to his sister, just wished for the situation to end quickly. Surprisingly, Charles did not hate Richard at this time. Rather, he was feeling a sudden surge of fondness for him, because he had solved all of Emily’s tiresome cookie problems. And because he seemed to be able to get a glass of cold water soon.

At twenty-five, Charles is very skilled at lying. But he does not lie about Richard. He honestly confesses that he hates Richard, really hates him, hates him so very much, but on the other hand, he can just as readily say that Richard’s first impression was good. In fact, their first impression of each other was good.