Chapter 42
My mother’s funeral was held simply.
A lot of people came to pay their respects.
Starting with the couple from the Pyo family next door, the physician at the medicine shop whom I had been indebted to before, villagers I occasionally exchanged greetings with, and even the people from the Xio Estate.
Quite a few members of the Xiao Estate came in particular, and I remember being a little surprised that even people I had barely exchanged a few words with came to pay their respects. Uncle Hwang even burst into tears while exchanging a bow with me.
“Good heavens, what is this! After all the effort you put in, how could this happen? The heavens are truly heartless. How is this young thing supposed to live all alone now…”
“Uncle…”
I smiled bitterly and said,
“I’m all right.”
Truly.
Perhaps because I had cried for such a long time beside my mother that day, or perhaps because the funeral itself still did not feel real. Strangely, my head was simply blank, and no tears came.
I was just a little tired. A terrible sense of emptiness had settled over me, making everything feel meaningless.
‘What have I been doing all this time?’
That feeling continued until the final day of the funeral.
My mother’s body was buried on a hill behind our house.
Actually, I wanted to bury her together with Seo Dan where she had fallen, but that place was deep in the mountains, making it difficult to move the coffin there. It was some consolation that the grave faced the mountain.
I watched blankly as the workers went through the process of burying the coffin, covering it with earth, and building up the burial mound. Once the grave was finished, the workers gathered their belongings and descended the hill.
The mourners bowed before the grave and offered me words of consolation. Only then did I come to my senses and see them off. After sending them away one by one, before I knew it, I was alone.
“…….”
I stared blankly at the grave. Then, thud, I sank down where I stood.
I felt strange.
It was strange that my mother was inside that grave, strange that I would not be able to see her from today onward. Even the fact that I no longer had anywhere to return to.
Only then did I finally realize it.
Ah, I was alone again.
‘What have I…… been doing all this time?’
Just as I clasped my trembling hands together…
Rustle.
Startled by the sound of someone approaching from behind, I turned around. Then my eyes widened.
“Young Miss…?”
A young girl with her face covered by a veil and carrying a lantern.
There was no doubt it was the Young Miss.
Only then did I look around. It had already grown dark all around us. It had seemed like midday when everyone left, but after sitting blankly before the grave, I supposed time had gotten away from me.
I hurriedly stood up and headed toward the Young Miss.
“Young Miss, what brings you all the way here…?”
She answered simply.
“To pay my respects.”
Then she set down the lantern and approached the grave demurely before bowing.
I watched her in a daze. When she finished her bow and looked toward me, I came to my senses and bowed in return. After straightening up, I opened my mouth awkwardly, not knowing what to do.
“Um, thank you for coming, but how did you come all the way here? I never imagined that you would come. Ah, not that I’m upset or anything, since you don’t really like going outside…”
“…….”
“Is it really all right for you to be here at this hour? You brought guards with you, right? Shouldn’t you be heading back soon…?”
“It’s fine.”
The Young Miss answered calmly.
“I came with Father. He said he had something to take care of, so I came up here first.”
“Ah, with the Estate Master…”
I nodded. A brief silence settled between us. I scratched my head and glanced at the Young Miss before muttering awkwardly.
“Um… I really mean it when I say thank you for coming. Mother wanted to see you too.”
“…….”
“I must have talked about you so much. I used to tell her every night about the things that happened with you, and every time, she would enjoy listening while secretly wondering about you.”
“…….”
“I was going to introduce you to her when we went to the Namgung Clan together this time, but really…”
“Yeah.”
The Young Miss continued in my place.
“That’s a shame.”
I smiled brightly at her. Then I turned toward the grave and said bitterly,
“Mother definitely would have been happy to meet you.”
The Young Miss said nothing. I, too, simply stared at the grave.
A chilly wind passed by.
Winter was coming. Bakrahyeon was located in the southern part of the Central Plains, so winters there were not particularly cold, but it would still be a long time before fresh green grass sprouted around the grave.
Would flowers bloom beside the grave when spring came? Would this emptiness fade away by then…? Without realizing it, I opened my mouth.
“I’ve wanted a family for a long time.”
The Young Miss turned to look at me.
“Actually, Mother wasn’t my real mother. My real parents abandoned me. They kept arguing over who would take me, and in the end, they left me with my grandmother and went away.”
“…….”
“Of course, I loved my grandmother too. She was good to me. But the loneliness never went away. I kept wondering what it would be like if I had a real family, real parents…”
“…….”
“So when I got a mother, I tried to treat her even better.”
I took a breath. My chest felt heavy.
“If I treated her better, if I devoted myself to her like a real child, maybe this time I could finally be accepted. Maybe I could have a family.”
“…….”
“But there was always this anxiety in one corner of my heart. Because I wasn’t the real thing. I kept wondering whether Mother could truly grow attached to me even though I wasn’t really her flesh and blood, whether she secretly hated me…”
“…….”
“The more anxious I became, the harder I tried.”
I laughed hollowly.
“She said I was already her family.”
“…….”
“She already thought of me as her child. Even though I deceived her, even though I never told her the truth, she didn’t hate me. Rather… she wanted me to be happy.”
“…….”
“Do you know what I thought when I heard that?”
My laughter faded.
“Perhaps I was the one who drew the line and decided that I could never become family with her for my entire life…”
I turned toward the grave again. Then I reached out and stroked the grave. The hand caressing the earth trembled slightly.
“I had finally become family.”
“…….”
“She had finally told me she loved me.”
“…….”
“How could this happen? How could she leave like this?”
“…….”
“Again, again.”
I murmured.
“It’s too cruel to make me be alone again…”
In the end, I lowered my head. Once again, it became difficult to breathe. My throat gradually tightened, and it felt as though I were sinking into a thick, muddy swamp. If I were to sink beneath it completely, all the way to the top of my head…
Whoosh
“……!”
I was startled and raised my head. At some point, the Young Miss had thrown herself into my arms. She hugged me tightly and desperately said,
“Why, why do you think that?”
“Young Miss…?”
“Why are you alone? There are the people of the Xiao Estate, Uncle Hwang, and that Aso kid! There’s also Steward Jeok, and my father. And also…”
“…….”
“I’m here too.”
My body flinched. The Young Miss hugged me even tighter and said,
“I’ll stay by your side.”
“…….”
“I won’t leave you. I’ll never leave you alone.”
“…….”
“I’ll… become your family.”
“…….”
“So.”
The Young Miss’s hand suddenly touched my face. She was wiping beneath my eyes. Only then did I realize that my cheeks were completely wet.
“Don’t cry.”
The Young Miss spoke as though sighing.
“I don’t want you to cry either.”
Hearing those words, I almost wanted to laugh.
Did she know how much I had whined and cried in front of her? Why was she acting like this now when she had never cared back then?
I wanted to playfully complain and tease her, but strangely, the words would not come out. Instead, only a pained sob escaped my lips.
At that moment, I finally realized.
I had never once allowed myself to cry freely until now.
“Ahh, ah…”
My sobs naturally spilled out of my mouth. I reached out and hugged the Young Miss back.
“Ahhhhh…!”
The Young Miss merely patted me silently. Those small hands felt so reassuring, and the warmth in her arms was so precious to me. I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably for a long time.
Suddenly, the last words my mother had spoken echoed in my ears.
“Take care of yourself.”
‘I’ll take care of myself. I really will. So, Mother, please…’
The night was growing deeper.
Only the lantern beside us flickered, casting its light over the two of us.
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