Speak of The Devil Chapter 29

Upon entering the house, I casually tossed comfortable clothes to Jaeoh, then showered and lay down on the bed. Jaeoh, who had also showered after me, cautiously climbed onto the bed, making an effort not to touch me. Despite recognizing his efforts, I didn’t turn around and face him.

Jung Yiyeon… Jung Yiyeon. There was no way to block out that name, constantly surfacing. Throughout the night, I busied myself trying to suppress my pain.

I genuinely appreciated Jaeoh. If he hadn’t occasionally comforted me, I might have ended up thinking about Jung Yiyeon, tormenting myself with my foolish actions, and perhaps even contemplated self-harm. My heart was so heavy that I had thoughts of wanting to die.

It wasn’t about meeting Jung Yiyeon again. Even if we happened to run into each other, it wouldn’t involve engaging in any intimate activities. I was a fool who couldn’t bear such treatment, even though there was no reason for me to endure it.

I won’t do that again. No matter how much I miss him, I’ll endure it. I won’t allow myself to be treated like trash by Jung Yiyeon again. I will somehow cut off my feelings.

Amidst all the dark emotions, the most prominent was now self-disgust and self-loathing. Regretting my foolish actions over and over again, I vowed not to repeat the same mistakes.

***

I was unwell throughout the weekend. Due to drinking too much and mixing various drinks, I suffered from a severe hangover. Even drinking water made me vomit, and my head felt like it was going to split open while feeling dizzy.

Amidst this, my whole body ached, as if I had been beaten. It was ironic that my body hurt when what I had received messily was only my heart. Swollen tonsils and a high fever made it impossible for me to get out of bed.

It was somewhat relieving to fall asleep while enduring it. Those moments of sleep were the only times I could forget the physical and emotional pain. After enduring a painful night, feeling physically exhausted made falling asleep seem almost fortunate.

Whenever I briefly woke up, Jaeoh fed me water and medicine. He insisted on going to the emergency room, but I really didn’t want to deal with anything. The comprehensive cold medicine he brought from the pharmacy was sufficient.

I couldn’t even eat the food Jaeoh brought. My stomach felt so bad that after a few bites, I crawled to the bathroom and vomited everything. It took too much effort just to rinse my mouth and face and return to bed.

It must have been quite a repulsive sight. Fortunately, I had showered the day before. If I had slept in the same state after pouring alcohol and engaging in a messy sexual encounter, I would probably have been fit for the garbage disposal.

It hadn’t reached that point, but the smell of alcohol continued to linger in my breath. My head would have been pounding, and due to the fluctuating fever, my sweaty body felt sticky.

Seo Jaeoh didn’t show any signs of displeasure. Throughout the weekend, he supported me by my side. Whenever I woke up from sleep and opened my eyes, Jaeoh was there. His expression was full of concern for me. I was truly a helpless fool.

Nevertheless, under Jaeoh’s meticulous care, I quickly recovered. By the time I woke up, the fever and body ache had subsided, and as Sunday afternoon approached, the reversed whirlwind in my stomach improved enough for me to eat something. Just reaching that point felt like a victory.

By Monday morning, after groaning loudly and then sleeping soundly, my body began to feel lighter.

The improvement in mental state along with the physical recovery was a fascinating phenomenon. At least the waves of emotions tormenting me had subsided.

“…Ah, embarrassing.”

Thanks to that, my self-pity became too embarrassing. It had reached a point where my body shivered at the flamboyant black history written from Friday evening to Saturday night. The emotional storm that had raged from then until Saturday night felt embarrassingly trivial. I couldn’t even look Jaeoh in the eye.

“What’s the big deal?”

When he spoke as if everything was fine, I felt even worse. It was embarrassing to show a crying face again. Moreover, after experiencing disappointment and engaging in reckless behavior, I couldn’t face the world.

“Aren’t you going to work?”

“I took the day off.”

His answer left me dumbfounded for a moment. The fact that he took the day off made me feel absurd. It felt like irritation was rising rapidly.

“It’s not because of you. I applied for it last week.”

Before I could get angry, Jaeoh intervened. The fact that he had applied for the day off in advance sounded somewhat insincere.

“For real. Hey, I have to endure here for a year. Otherwise, it’s forced deportation.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I originally planned to work at my father’s company. But working with my father isn’t as annoying as you’d think. So, I became a bit negligent, and my father said if that’s the case, why not go study abroad. I didn’t like that idea, so I endured it, but then my uncle connected me to Director Jung’s hotel, and that’s how I came to Seoul.”

I didn’t know there were such circumstances. Why would the son of a well-off family suddenly work as a concierge at Jung Yiyeon’s hotel?

“So, it’s not like I can just do whatever I want. I worked without a day off for the entire last month. That’s why I took a day off for you.”

…If it wasn’t because of me, I had no reason to be upset. It was still burdensome for him to use his precious day off for me, but I couldn’t push away someone who wanted to do that.

“Should I clear the table now that we’ve finished eating?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Jaeoh skillfully began clearing the table. He gathered the disposable plastic containers that held the delivered food into a plastic bag.

After cleaning and organizing the house, which had been neglected for the past few days, there was nothing for both him and me to do. It was around lunchtime on Monday. The sight of two unemployed people flipping through TV channels in the living room looked pathetic.

“How about going to your place soon?”

“Wow, look at your manners. After being taken care of the whole weekend, you’re telling me to leave quickly?”

Jaeoh sounded slightly reluctant, but there was mischief in his face. I could see him making an effort to lighten my mood.

However, telling him to go home was my sincere feeling. I couldn’t treat him without some consideration, as I had sorted out my other relationships before. But I knew I had to sort him out. Dragging Jaeoh along with my wavering emotions was not good for him either.

Considering Jaeoh’s feelings about the topic of my repeated embarrassing moments, which constantly created a series of black histories and inconveniences, was a bit awkward. But at least I didn’t want to subject Jaeoh to what I had personally experienced.

…Or perhaps it was more selfish than that. It wasn’t that I could love Jaeoh just because I didn’t love Jung Yiyeon. I genuinely didn’t want to owe him anything.

My situation wasn’t so bad that I needed someone by my side to the extent of requiring constant care. Perhaps it was thanks to tasting the lowest point of self-loathing after causing chaos on Friday. My mind was relatively calm. Occasionally, when memories of me being treated like an object by Jung Yiyeon during seduction and sex resurfaced, I felt like kicking the air with a high kick, but overall, my emotions towards Jung Yiyeon weren’t tormenting me as they did when I drank.

Though there were moments when my heart felt heavy, I wasn’t as troubled by the emotions towards Jung Yiyeon as I used to be when I drank. I could just ignore it and endure it to some extent.

“Go. You need to take a break too.”

“I don’t want to. I’ll sleep here tonight and go out early tomorrow morning to stop by my place and change clothes.”

“Why bother doing that.”

“I’ll stay only until today. Even if you ask me to stay together again, I won’t.”

With him saying that much, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t reject someone who was concerned about me and willing to stay by my side. Jaeoh and I watched TV, then went to an internet cafe to play a game we used to play during our university days. Although the controls were a mess after not playing for a long time, and I was causing trouble for the team, Jaeoh, who never stopped playing games even when he went to Busan, carried me through. I may not have won many games due to my trolling, but time passed very well.

In the evening, we had dinner together. There was no more argument about him leaving. After eating bowls of soup, we returned home. I felt like having a drink, but Jaeoh shook his head. We chatted while watching TV, then went to bed a bit early, around ten.

…Maybe Seo Jaeoh didn’t anticipate this kind of time.

In the dark room, sleep didn’t come in the silent darkness. Instead, emotions that hadn’t surfaced during the day began to emerge on the surface like lies.

Jung Yiyeon. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I even tried looking at my phone to break the thoughts, but my mind continued to follow memories of Jung Yiyeon.

From the moment I fell in love with him at first sight during the first interview, memories flowed like a running river. I remembered the tingling sensation in my chest every time I saw him. Now, those emotions were piercing my heart painfully.

“Um….”

“…!”

As Jaeoh lying next to me made a mumbled sound like sleep talking, I suddenly felt like I was going crazy. As his restless body touched mine, I was startled and instinctively huddled, pulling my knees close.

Even though I tried to erase it, a heavy question persisted in my chest.

Why?

Why isn’t the one beside me Jung Yiyeon?

The sound of breathing in the silence, the feeling of presence behind me, the occasional warmth—all of it. Why isn’t it Jung Yiyeon’s? I distinctly remember falling asleep on this bed, embraced in Jung Yiyeon’s arms. The excitement and tremor from that time still vividly linger.

Despite trying to shake off the now useless emotions, the times spent at his place kept coming to mind. A large and well-decorated house. It was a more spacious area than my living room, yet Jung Yiyeon’s bedroom felt cozy. The bed carried his scent so strongly that lying on it felt like my heart would burst.

I had mixed my body with Jung Yiyeon multiple times in that room, considering it a sex fitting for the expression “sharing love.” At least, that’s how it felt to me. It was just that there was no love from Jung Yiyeon.

Even though I knew, I couldn’t erase the touch of his lips or the caress of his hands that followed the peak of ecstasy. Despite the overwhelming emotions from that time now causing me pain… I missed him.

Is Jung Yiyeon sleeping in that room now?

Or is it someone else in that room, not me?

“Ah….”

A moan flowed out. At the end of the insane longing, the flames of jealousy surged fiercely. Vague memories of the person who was by his side when we first met at the gay bar came to mind. Min Seowon’s face also appeared. The thought of him seeking someone else made me furious and bitter, and my heart burned pitch black.

When Jung Yiyeon embraces someone else, would he be as affectionate as he was with me? Or would he, as he did with me, make the person miserable?

Friday night. I remembered seducing him on the street, taking him to a motel, and the sex we had. Jung Yiyeon moved roughly as if there were only holes to fill. I spread my legs and consoled myself like that.

Damn, I shouldn’t have done that. I should have cleanly parted ways and left. At least, I should have preserved my dignity.

…If it was going to be like this, I should have just endured my emotions. I should have kept my confession to myself. Then, at least, I wouldn’t have been treated like a sex toy.

No. When was there a time when I wasn’t just a tool to Jung Yiyeon? Because of my self-loathing, I chuckled like a madman.

I tried to somehow cut off my thoughts, but it didn’t work well. Perhaps Jaeoh anticipated such moments. Does Jaeoh know because he has experienced it himself?

If that’s the case, Jaeoh should have known that having him by my side at this moment wouldn’t help me in any way. I was even angry about that.

What I wanted wasn’t Seo Jaeoh. What I desired was not Seo Jaeoh, not even once. What I wanted is and has always been Jung Yiyeon.

Despite knowing that I shouldn’t get angry with Jaeoh, I couldn’t help but be furious. The emotions were beyond the normal range and were uncontrollable. It was a gruesome mix of emotions.

In the midst of unbearable agony, I awaited the morning. When daylight returned, it felt like this torment would miraculously vanish like a lie. As the night deepened, sinking into darkness, I could only wait for the morning to come.

However, the morning didn’t arrive as quickly as the sleep that didn’t easily come. The time endured alone felt painfully slow.

When I left Jung Yiyeon, I thought my heart had become numb. But I didn’t know it was just the beginning.