Kill Your X Chapter 16

‘They say sex feels amazing after taking this. We promised to share good things, right? I want to go to heaven with you, hyung.’

‘Is that drugs? Kim Minseok, are you crazy?’

It was a time when bad news about drugs was appearing frequently. I knew Kim Minseok lived without a care for societal norms, but I couldn’t stand by and watch him get involved in a blatant crime.

‘Why are you overreacting? People talk about addiction and all that, but these days, the drugs are so good that it doesn’t happen. Let’s just try it together once. Okay?’

Kim Minseok repeatedly urged me to take the drugs. He was so persistent that I suspected he had ulterior motives, and I gave in. I could already picture myself being handcuffed and taken to the police station. Drug use was a much more serious crime than getting caught for public indecency for having sex outdoors.

‘I really don’t think this is right. Throw those drugs away right now, and let’s take a break. I’ve been putting up with a lot, but you’re living too recklessly. What are you going to do if you really get a criminal record?’

‘You’ve been enjoying it with me until now. Why are you only like this with me?’

‘Drugs are different. Get a grip, Kim Minseok.’

As I turned to leave, he said in a deliberately stern tone, seemingly angered by the situation not going his way.

‘Hyung, if you leave now, I’m never seeing you again. Are you sure about this?’

My steps faltered. It couldn’t be easy to hear the person I’d been making out with just yesterday threaten to break up. Still, wrong was wrong.

‘Throw the drugs away. I told you twice. If you still have them when I see you again, I’m reporting you.’

‘Fuck.’

Bang! I hurried away from him, leaving behind the sound of him kicking nearby furniture. Outside, the sun was still shining brightly. Basking in the blinding sunlight, I felt like I had been under some kind of spell.

Kim Minseok was a free spirit, but not inherently bad, so I figured he’d come around once he calmed down.

Despite my attempts at positive thinking, Kim Minseok didn’t contact me. I felt incredibly empty. How could someone who showered me with affection suddenly change just because I refused to do drugs and have sex with him?

Did Kim Minseok ever truly love me? The fear that my first love was unrequited tormented me for a while. Thankfully, it coincided with my university exams, so my parents just assumed I was stressed about studying.

One day, as I was getting used to the bitter sting of heartbreak, I received an unexpected phone call. It was from Kim Minseok.

―Hyung, can you lend me some money?

His voice was thick, as if he had been crying. I had vowed not to answer his calls even if he contacted me later, but my heart wavered uncontrollably.

‘Why do you need money all of a sudden?’

―Something came up that requires a large sum of money. I’m sorry. You’re the only person I could think of to ask….

I was puzzled. Kim Minseok never seemed to be struggling financially. He was actually quite a spendthrift on our dates. He didn’t have a part-time job, and he even claimed to have cut ties with his family, so I assumed he had some other source of income. Like a substantial amount of savings.

―Hyung, please. Can’t you just close your eyes this once and help me? I promise I’ll be good from now on. I won’t complain needlessly, and I’ll be obedient and listen to everything you say. Okay?

I felt like a fool for being swayed by someone who had ghosted me. Even if I helped him, I needed to understand the situation.

‘I need to know why you need the money before I can help.’

―Well, um… Actually, my father is sick and needs urgent surgery. But my family doesn’t have the cash on hand right now.

Aside from his family’s financial situation, it was surprising that Kim Minseok was even considering helping his father. He was the man who had abused him throughout his childhood. Was it impossible to ignore him in such a situation? Even when I put myself in Kim Minseok’s shoes, I couldn’t find a clear answer.

‘What do your family and other relatives say?’

―They all have a bad relationship with my father, so it’s no use. They won’t even answer my calls. So, hyung, please. Please save me.

‘I don’t have much money either.’

It was true. My family was well-off, but I didn’t have much personal wealth. At that time, in my early twenties, I had about 50 million won in my bank account. I told him honestly, and Kim Minseok said that would be enough to save his father.

―Thank you so much, hyung. I apologize again for the unreasonable request I made before with the drugs. I’ve quit them for good, and I’ll never touch them again or drag you into it. I’m about to sign a contract with an agency, so I’ll be able to pay back the money I borrowed from you….

His words sounded so desperate that I finally caved. I firmly believed that even though Kim Minseok was immature, he wouldn’t lie about his family.

More than anything, he promised to come back to me. He said he’d reflect on his past mistakes, live a decent life, and only have eyes for me.

‘Alright, give me your account number.’

He didn’t respond immediately. I checked my phone screen, wondering if the call had dropped.

―Hyung, I’m really sorry, but….

‘Yes?’

―Could you withdraw the money you’re lending me in cash?

‘Wouldn’t a bank transfer be more convenient for hospital bills?’

―Well, um… I’ve already withdrawn the money I’ve managed to gather over the past few days and deposited it at the hospital. As a sort of guarantee. I guess they thought I might not be responsible since I’m young. Anyway, since I’ve already made that arrangement, I thought it would be better to settle everything at once.

I was aware that his excuse was flimsy, but his desperate pleas dispelled my doubts. Saving someone’s life was the priority.

‘Okay. I’ll prepare the money, so you take good care of your father.’

―Hyung, I love you so much! Let’s be together forever!

Whether his emotional distress was genuine or not, Kim Minseok looked considerably haggard when we met after almost two months. After receiving the envelope of cash, he hugged and kissed me repeatedly. I spent a long time comforting him as he cried like a child. He seemed so tough on the outside, but he was just a kid inside, and I felt a surge of protectiveness towards him.

‘This is the first and last time I’m helping my father. I can do that, right, hyung?’

‘Of course. You made the right decision.’

I wanted to stay longer, but our reunion was cut short as Minseok said he needed to go to the hospital. We agreed to meet again a week later. He apologized in advance, saying he might not be able to contact me easily while caring for his father.

I waited patiently, but on the fourth day, I couldn’t help but send him a text message. I simply asked how he was doing, but there was no reply. The same thing happened the next day, and the day after that.

Anxiety gnawed at me when there was still no contact from him on the day we were supposed to meet. Could something have gone wrong with the surgery? Worried sick, I called him. That was the moment I realized something was terribly wrong.

―The person you are calling is currently unavailable….

After repeated failed attempts to connect, I went to Kim Minseok’s studio apartment. I immediately understood the situation. The door was wide open, and the apartment was filled with someone else’s belongings, not Kim Minseok’s. Seeing the place in the midst of a move, I rushed to the management office.

‘Apartment 1004? The skinny young man? He moved out a few days ago.’

The building manager delivered the devastating news. Until then, I thought Kim Minseok had used his security deposit for his father’s hospital bills because he was short of money. Had he downplayed the amount he needed, saying 50 million won would be enough, because he felt bad about asking me for so much? My heart sank at the thought of him having nowhere to go.

I couldn’t just barge into the hospital where his father was supposedly hospitalized. If it was truly a serious situation, my appearance would be a nuisance. Still, I couldn’t just do nothing, so I wandered around and eventually went to the band’s practice room. The place Kim Minseok, the band’s vocalist, treated like a second home.

‘Gyujin-hyung, what are you doing here? Minseok-hyung isn’t here anymore.’

The youngest member, the drummer, who knew we were close, looked puzzled.

‘Not here anymore? What do you mean?’

‘Didn’t you hear? Minseok-hyung quit the band a few days ago. I heard he emigrated overseas.’

He said that their contract discussions with the agency fell apart because he left without any discussion with the other members.

‘Did he emigrate because of his father’s health? To a place with a better environment for recovery?’

‘I don’t understand what you’re talking about, hyung. Is Minseok-hyung’s father sick?’

He tilted his head, saying he had never heard such a thing.

Looking around the practice room, I saw Kim Minseok’s personal microphone and spare clothes still there. What was so urgent that he abandoned his belongings and disappeared? The drummer’s words brought the worst-case scenario, the one I hadn’t considered until the very end, bubbling to the surface.

‘I’m really sorry to ask, but could you call Minseok for me? I have something to get from him, but he’s not answering my calls.’

‘Just a moment.’

The drummer readily agreed. They must have been quite close, practicing together every day.

Silence filled the practice room as the phone rang.

‘He’s not picking up. Did Minseok-hyung change his number?’

He added that it was strange, since Kim Minseok always took his phone with him, even to the bathroom. My strength gave way, and I collapsed onto the floor of the practice room. As the last vestiges of hope turned to despair, tears streamed down my face.

‘Hyung? What’s wrong? Are you sick?’

The drummer, clueless, tried to comfort me as I began to sob. In the practice room where Kim Minseok and I had made love countless times, I cried until I was nearly exhausted.

How could this happen to me? Was it my fault for trusting Kim Minseok, or rather, for loving him too much? It was hard to accept that I had been scammed by the person I loved with all my heart.

Time marched on, indifferent to my personal pain. The band found a new vocalist and continued their activities. As I advanced through university, graduated, and started working as a librarian, I heard nothing about Kim Minseok. It was as if he had vanished from the face of the earth.

✽✽✽

I woke up early and cleaned my apartment. I wasn’t messy, so there wasn’t much to do, but I couldn’t seem to sit still. I even opened all the windows to air out the place, despite the freezing weather. I lit a scented candle someone had gifted me, which I had left unopened.

“Why am I trying so hard to impress him?”