Kill Your X Chapter 15

“Ah…Ahahaha!”

Late at night, I doubled over with laughter in the parking lot. He’d taken my goodnight kiss, which I’d called a taxi fare, and turned it into a full-blown make-out session, calling it a “night surcharge.” Wasn’t it unfair to use that sculpted face to pull off such a prank?

“Wow, you’re driving me crazy.”

Si Yeonho led me, still giggling and stumbling, to my front door. My slightly tipsy mind suddenly became crystal clear. My body was tired, but I was reluctant to let him go. He had made me laugh in so many ways tonight.

Whether this feeling was real or fake, I wanted to push aside such calculations and enjoy the sweet game a little longer. It was the same irresponsibility I’d indulged in for the past ten years with my one-night stands.

“Yeonho.”

I stopped Si Yeonho, who was about to turn around as if he had finished his tasks for the day. His gaze, slanted over his shoulder, landed on me.

“Want to stay over?”

My heart pounded as I waited for his answer. After all the promiscuous days I’d spent, it was strange to feel so nervous about such a low-level flirtation.

“Huh? Stay over.”

Come on, say yes. You always listen to me. Right? I’ve waited ten years, so you must want me so much….

“No.”

“What?”

The anticipation that had risen to my throat instantly deflated. I felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over my head, sobering me up completely. Truly, Si Yeonho was not an easy opponent.

“Go to sleep, Sunbae. You’re very drunk right now.”

Si Yeonho effortlessly entered my door code and pushed me inside. There was no hesitation in his actions.

“Crazy….”

The door closed. I sat alone in the dark entryway, the emergency lights now off. The more I thought about it, the more absurd it felt, and I could only laugh in disbelief. Si Yeonho was a guy who kept me laughing until the very end. Whether in a good way or a bad way.

“That, that son of a bitch?”

A curse word I used less than ten times a year slipped out. My chest heaved painfully with unspent heat. The lingering sweetness of the honey water, the memory of his lips greedily exploring my tongue, made me dizzy.

My already erect cock strained against my underwear. I hauled myself up and headed to the bathroom. The considerate escort service ended with masturbation.

“Si Yeonho, what if he has some kind of sexual dysfunction? He seemed to get hard last time, but maybe he has premature ejaculation or something.”

I cursed Si Yeonho as I stood under the cold water. I made up dozens of baseless reasons that night, convincing myself he was pretending to be uninterested in sex. The end of my cursing spree was the twisted conviction that ‘relationships are just not worth it.’

He’s good at blowjobs and kissing, so I wouldn’t lose anything by playing with him a little longer. I rationalized up to that point, then shuddered at my own pettiness. Lost in thoughts of Si Yeonho, I drifted off to sleep.

✽✽✽

I had my first boyfriend when I was twenty-two. His name was Kim Minseok, and he was a year younger than me. We first met at a gay bar I’d worked up the courage to visit. Back then, Kim Minseok was the vocalist of an indie band.

‘Come see me sometime. I’m good.’

He casually invited me, and out of curiosity, I went to see his performance. The venue was a small concert hall in the basement of a building near the university district. In the strangely stuffy air, someone who looked like a staff member appeared and handed out beer bottles to the audience. Kim Minseok’s performance began in a relaxed atmosphere.

I was completely captivated. Objectively, Kim Minseok wasn’t a great singer, but his uniquely charming voice and natural stage presence overshadowed any shortcomings. He commanded the stage so naturally that unless you looked closely, you wouldn’t notice he had a limp.

‘Gyujin-hyung, you came to my show the other day, right? Why did you leave so suddenly?’

A few days later, I ran into him again at the bar. He walked towards me with my drink, his gait normal, so I cautiously broached the subject.

‘I had an assignment to finish. By the way, is your leg okay? I was worried because it looked like you might have twisted it on stage.’

‘Ah, was it that noticeable?’

Kim Minseok put my drink down and continued.

‘It’s usually manageable, but it gets worse when it rains. It was raining the day you came to the show, hyung.’

‘Oh?’

‘I had major surgery on my leg two years ago. The bone was completely shattered.’

My thoughts came to a screeching halt. I realized I had made a huge mistake.

‘Hyung, why do you look so pale? Was it that bad that day? I try really hard not to let it show, especially on stage.’

I frantically waved my hands.

‘Bad? Absolutely not. I just have a keen eye, that’s all. Anyway, you were really cool.’

I practically gushed over his performance. The lighting and costumes were perfect, the way he frowned slightly before starting his original song was atmospheric, the way he exchanged signals with the guitar and drums was so professional….

Halfway through, I didn’t even know what I was babbling about. Kim Minseok grinned, enjoying my flustered state.

‘Hyung, do you like me that much?’

‘What?’

‘You’re totally smitten. Since when? You kept playing hard to get when I was buying you drinks and hitting on you.’

He said he thought I wasn’t really interested in him.

‘Like, like you? I would never….’

My face flushed crimson with embarrassment. It wasn’t that I really liked Kim Minseok or wanted to date him. It was just that he was unexpectedly good on stage, and that different side of him caught my eye.

‘It’s okay even if it’s not now. You’ll fall for me eventually anyway.’

Kim Minseok was unreasonably confident. It was a secret, back then, that I found that even more attractive.

‘But you really do have a keen eye, hyung. Many people don’t notice until I tell them.’

‘It’s really not noticeable. Don’t worry about it.’

‘Hyung, aren’t you curious how my leg got this way?’

He looked unusually lonely as he sat beside me, sipping his drink. Partly because I felt bad about my slip-up, I was gentler with him than usual.

‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. It’s personal.’

‘I want to tell you, hyung.’

I was honestly curious about how his leg had been shattered. Since Kim Minseok didn’t seem to mind sharing his past, I nodded, urging him to tell me.

‘You’re saying you got beaten by your father?’

The reason for his lasting injury was quite shocking.

‘Yeah. It’s ridiculous, right? Even if you have a bad relationship with your parents, it’s rare to get beaten like a dog. I don’t think you’ve ever experienced that, hyung.’

How could a parent beat their child so badly that their lower body bones were crushed? I hadn’t had a good father either, but seeing a more severe case up close dampened my mood.

‘I was constantly beaten for no reason since I was young, so I eventually ran away. I really thought I was going to die.’

Kim Minseok said it didn’t make much difference to him whether he was beaten to death by his father at home or starved to death living like a beggar on the streets.

Although he struggled after running away, Kim Minseok said he was happy with his current life. I had secretly judged him for living recklessly without any future plans, but he was much more resilient than I thought.

‘Maybe someone like you wouldn’t understand. The feeling of hating your own father.’

His self-deprecating words unleashed a torrent of heartfelt confessions. Things he had never told anyone before.

‘No, I think I understand. It’s nothing compared to yours, but actually, my father also….’

Even though my complaints were insignificant compared to his trauma, Kim Minseok listened attentively. Despite having permanent physical damage, he sympathized with me for being verbally abused. His warm gaze touched my heart.

‘I can’t talk about this anywhere else. They’d think I was being ungrateful. They’d say I have a comfortable life thanks to him, even if my family environment is strict.’

‘You don’t know how hard it is until you experience it, right?’

The resentment I had accumulated throughout my life melted away at those words.

‘Minseok.’

‘It must have been hard for you too, hyung.’

Using our shitty fathers as a stepping stone, we quickly became close. Certainly, the beginning was rooted more in shared pain than attraction. As we became friends, finding common ground in conversation, it was only a matter of time before other feelings developed.

✽✽✽

Despite our polar opposite personalities, we had a surprisingly enjoyable relationship. Experiencing all sorts of escapades I wouldn’t have dared to try alone, I felt a sense of freedom for the first time. Getting drunk and having sex on the floor of an empty practice room became our routine.

Unlike me, Kim Minseok had no limits. So, there were times when he made unreasonable demands.

‘Minseok, wait. Doing it here is a bit….’

‘Haa, I can’t hold it in anymore. I want to be inside you, hyung. Please let me, okay?’

Once, he even initiated sex in an alleyway outdoors, saying no one would be around that early in the morning. I felt uncomfortable being swept along, but I loved him too much to refuse. That’s how I lived a double life, a quiet student at university who transformed when I was with Kim Minseok.

‘Hyung, look at this. Do you know what I got?’

But Kim Minseok gradually began to push beyond the boundaries of freedom. A sense of danger awakened at the sight of him smiling brightly, holding an unidentified white powder. While I pretended not to notice, bright red warning lights flashed around us.