Even My Life Is Yours Chapter 25

Hongyo stared intently at his reflection in the mirror. It was the day he was going to meet his adoptive mother, Mohyun, after a long time. If he dressed as he usually did on one of the four or five days a year he was allowed to enter the palace, he would surely be turned away at the gate, so he wore the clothes Mohyun had sent him.

The silk clothes, which he usually couldn’t even touch for fear of staining them, looked very expensive and luxurious at a glance. Although it was men’s clothing and thus not embroidered with overly flashy patterns or designs, the light crimson silk shimmered with a subtle luster in the light. And it was much softer and lighter than it looked, making him feel as if he were wearing clothes made of feathers. It looked and felt completely different from the clothes made of the tough cotton cloth he wore every day. Wearing such clothes, he himself couldn’t help but look different from his usual self.

His hair, which was usually as messy as a bird’s nest, was not only neatly combed and swept back, but also had a sheen from a light application of precious scented oil that was impossible to obtain unless one was from a noble or merchant family. Dressed from head to toe in fine silk and with his hair neatly swept back, Hongyo looked for all the world like a child of a noble family. At the dojang he attended on a special scholarship, he was called ‘Young Master’ because he hung out with Kyungrak, a title that would have been unthinkable outside, but it was admittedly cringey.

However, the reflection in the mirror was undeniably that of a young master. But Hongyo was unimpressed by his own appearance. He looked listlessly at the manggeon he was to wear on his head, picked one up, and soon began to fix his hair.

Hongyo recalled the plum blossom ornament that had been in Sujin’s hair. It had been over a month, but since it was the first piece of women’s jewelry he had bought with his own money, he would sometimes think of it when he did his hair.

But back then, why did Gamyoung get so upset and leave? He hadn’t asked, busy welcoming his friend who had returned after disappearing without a word for two months, but in truth, it was still difficult to guess the reason why he had been so angry. Of course, it was entirely his fault for acting rashly, presuming things without even knowing if Gamyoung liked Sujin or not, but no matter how much he thought about it, he still couldn’t understand if it was something to be angry about, even if it could be awkward and bewildering.

In any case, he was a man, and Sujin was a kind and good woman by anyone’s standards, so didn’t they look good together? Unlike him, who was just pretending to be a man. Could it be that he had a beloved woman back in his hometown? Or perhaps, like Senior Brother Kyungrak, he had a lover to whom he was betrothed…?

Only then did Hongyo think he had a vague idea of why Gamyoung had asked him to go to his hometown. At the time, he had thought Gamyoung was granting his request to one day visit his hometown together, but seeing as he was going to introduce his family as well, it seemed he was planning to introduce his fiancée.

At that, for some reason, he felt a cold, sharp pang in his chest. To not have shown any sign of it until now! It was obvious now that the reason he always changed the subject when his family was mentioned was because he was embarrassed to bring up his fiancée. Thinking about it that way, everything fell into place.

He had said things like, since he had no interest in a government post, they should see the wider world together on a boat, but marriage was a completely different story. Even if he became a merchant and traveled from country to country, he could still get married and have a family.

“Cha Gamyoung, you rotten bastard.”

Hongyo cursed out of a sense of betrayal. But it was an emotion more complex and deeper than simple betrayal. Perhaps it was a feeling closer to disappointment than betrayal.

No, no. Let’s not think too deeply about it. I saw that face last time because I jumped to conclusions. Let’s not assume anything until Cha Gamyoung tells me himself.

Hongyo shook his head. But it really did seem like he would be sad if Gamyoung left. However, marriage was a major life event. He couldn’t stop him just because he was his friend, could he? It wasn’t something to stop in the first place. Honestly, wasn’t he the one who had pushed him to get married and take up a government post?

However, what he had vaguely thought about and what was now possibly right around the corner were different in weight. Hongyo forced a smile, erasing his glum expression. Just a change in attire made him exude an air of nobility.

But that was all. He wasn’t disappointed that it was men’s clothing. He had been wearing men’s clothes since he could remember, so it would probably feel even more awkward now to wear women’s clothes. But if there was one thing he was disappointed about, it was this.

If he continued to live as a man like this, he would never be able to confess his feelings to anyone. Living as a man in a woman’s body, he couldn’t even dream of marriage in the first place. Senior Brother Kyungrak had already left to get married, so Gamyoung would be leaving soon too. Perhaps he had asked him to go to the hunting ritual together to make one last memory with him as a friend. It made sense now why he had been so persistent in persuading him, which was unlike Gamyoung.

Belying the smile he had forced onto his face, Hongyo became a little gloomy. Hongyo fiddled with the hem of his robe. It wasn’t that he hadn’t asked why he had to wear men’s clothes and pretend to be a man. Each time, his grandmother and adoptive mother had always said he would understand everything when the time came, so he could only wait for that time. Though he didn’t know when that would be.

“Hey, Hongyo. If you’re ready, what are you doing not coming out quickly?”

“Yes. I’m ready! I’m coming!”

He heard his grandmother calling from outside. Hongyo was about to open the door and go out, but then he turned back.

“I almost forgot.”

Quickly grabbing the pass that allowed him to visit the Imperial Palace, Hongyo mounted the horse that Mohyun had sent him in advance. As he pulled the reins, the horse neighed powerfully and galloped off.

˖°⛩️⋆˙️

Although it was the most heavily guarded Imperial Palace in the world, entering was not that difficult. His name was already on the visitor list, and he had a pass, so as long as he moved within the permitted areas, there would be no trouble.

Hongyo headed to Mohyun’s quarters with familiarity. Except for the shrine in the deepest part of Hyunjingwan, Mohyun’s quarters were located the furthest inside. Befitting Hyunjingwan’s secretive atmosphere, the interior was extremely quiet, with a heavy air hanging over it. Even within the same Hyunjingwan, the paths used by the shamans were strictly different from those used by the porters who carried supplies, the families, or the adopted children like himself.

Hongyo walked along the long corridor and went out the door at the very end. A detached house with a courtyard revealed itself. Below the roof with its layers of dark blue tiles, the signboard of Cheongmudang (Hall of the Blue Shaman), the space where successive head shamans had resided, hung in its usual place. When Hongyo took off his shoes and stepped inside, a young shaman of his age who was assisting Mohyun announced his arrival to Mohyun, who would be inside. Then, an answer to come in was heard from within.

Hongyo took a small breath in front of it. He had known her since he was quite young, but his adoptive mother was not someone he could approach easily. Hongyo entered through the double doors. Inside the room, Mohyun was waiting for Hongyo, having finished her preparations for the ritual.

“Head Shaman. I’m here.”

Though she was his adoptive mother, Mohyun had never once allowed him to call her ‘mother’. Since as long as Hongyo could remember, Mohyun had instructed him to refer to her as his adoptive mother when asked about her outside, and to call her ‘Head Shaman’ to her face, and Hongyo had never disobeyed that.

“Yes. You’ve worked hard coming here. Go and sit on the altar.”

There wasn’t even the common offer of a cup of tea. But Hongyo knelt down familiarly on the pattern Mohyun had drawn on the floor. Then, Mohyun rolled up her sleeves and began to quietly chant an incantation. The incantation, which began to be recited quietly and secretly as if no one outside this room should hear it, was heard whispering right next to him.

Soon, a blue light flickered along the circle and began to envelop Hongyo’s body. At that, Hongyo unconsciously bit his lip. The pain to come was familiar, but it would never become friendly. Every time the blue light touched his skin, a pain as if he were being branded followed, but Hongyo never made a sound. When he was young, he would often faint, unable to bear it even with a gag in his mouth, but now he endured it quite well.

But enduring it did not mean it wasn’t painful. Hongyo endured the pain without even realizing he was crying. His clenched teeth ached as if they would break, and his vision spun. Even so, the blue light flickered like flames, as if it would lick his wide-open eyeballs.

‘Just a little more… just a little…’

Hongyo slowly counted to ten in his head. He had been told that the deeper the intensity of the pain, the more powerfully the spell cast on his body would be engraved. He had no way of knowing what kind of spell it was, as he was never told, but he had been told that he must receive it periodically if he wanted to live, so Hongyo had no choice but to endure it silently.

“Heok, heok… Heueu…”

The pain that seemed like it would never end did have an end. Hongyo collapsed onto the floor. Even though he knew he had to get up quickly, when he curled his body up from the suffocating pain, sounds similar to those of the animals he had hunted escaped from his throat.

Mohyun helped Hongyo up and leaned him against the wall. The clothes he had taken such care to arrange were now crumpled into a mess. Mohyun wiped the child’s forehead with a wet towel she had prepared in advance and then wiped his cold hands. He had clenched his fists so tightly that blood droplets would often form on his palms, so it was a relief, if anything, that she had told him to grab the hem of his clothes instead.

As Mohyun wiped his hands and massaged his knuckles, color slowly began to return to Hongyo’s pale face. Mohyun looked at Hongyo’s face, still a mess with tears, and raised the hand holding the wet towel, but instead of wiping his face, she placed the wet towel in his hand and stood up.

Hongyo familiarly wiped away his tear stains. The pattern that had been drawn on the floor had already disappeared along with the spell, as if it had done its job. Hongyo, who was looking at the floor where no trace of the spell could be found, raised his head at the cold voice coming from above him.

“If you’ve come to your senses, get up now.”

Though she was his mother, the face of the person who had never once shown him any affectionate warmth was as cold as her voice.