In This Life I Will Die as an Actress Not a Villainess Chapter 34

The same routine from the first day began flowing again.

The only thing that had changed was my state of mind.

I surveyed my surroundings in a deeply sunken, on-edge state.

No trace of a smile remained on my face anymore.

Soon, right on schedule, just as the snack table was about to be cleared, the ministers’ sit-in would begin.

I rose first and slipped out through the side gate.

Sangseon hurriedly followed behind me.

Walking briskly toward Hongmunguan, I spotted Sunim approaching from a distance. (+) ^[1] TLN: Hongmunguan was a central government office in the Joseon dynasty responsible for managing royal classics, historical records, and responding to the king’s various inquiries.

“Your Majesty!”

Sunim rushed toward me.

“The great and lesser ministers are right now gathering before the main hall…”

“I know. Let’s go over there.”

Without even hearing Sunim out, I led them both to a secluded spot.

After walking for some time, I asked without giving Sunim a chance to catch her breath.

“What happened with the search?”

“Not yet…”

Sunim bit her lip.

“What will you do once you find it?”

At that, Sunim hesitated and looked at me.

Sangseon wore an equally flustered expression.

“Didn’t you say it would be a way to persuade Mansong Kim Ikjae?” (+) ^[2] TLN: Mansong here is some sort of an elegant or literary name given to scholars, officials, or respected figures, often used as a respectful form of address similar to “Teacher” or “Professor.”

Persuade?

I stared blankly at Sunim’s face.

Doesn’t that mean there’s still someone who could become the king’s ally…

I should have asked earlier.

Han Sena, you fool.

“That’s what I said. Then, Deputy Scholar, tell me why you think Kim Ikjae is important. Is there truly no one else?”

At my sharp question, Sangseon looked at me with clear distress.

And the moment my words ended, Sangseon quickly spoke up.

“He is an icon among the scholars hidden in the countryside. And was he not Your Majesty’s teacher during your time as Crown Prince? In this humble servant’s limited judgment, there is no one more suitable than him.”

Good.

I’d obtained the information I wanted.

I deliberately ignored the strange looks the two were giving me.

“We’re in a hurry. Find the evidence quickly. The moment you find it, tell me immediately.”

My heart raced with urgency.

Now that I’d returned to the beginning again.

I had only one goal.

My head felt like it was spinning from the burning emotions.

I couldn’t understand why my feelings were suddenly surging like this.

“Your Majesty. Are you feeling well?”

Sangseon and Sunim looked at me with eyes full of concern.

I looked back at them both.

Just as the Queen Dowager had said, I no longer held any complacent attitude within me.

Because I’d realized that their lives depended on my hands.

Just because this was the world inside a script didn’t mean I could dismiss people’s lives as fake.

Not when they were this vivid before my eyes.

I intended to do everything in my power to protect Sangseon and Sunim.

To properly stand against the Queen Dowager.

And more than that—this time, I planned to strike the Queen Dowager first.

* * *

A place I’d secretly escaped to using a covert outing as an excuse.

I’d stopped letting myself be dragged around and decided to properly explore the palace.

I’d already wasted a lot of time shaking off the royal guards.

My body felt light without the dragon robe.

Moving awkwardly between the pillars beneath the main hall, I crept toward the Royal Secretariat located within the palace administrative offices.

I intended to search through the records myself.

That’s when I stopped at a familiar voice coming from one side.

“Do you truly intend to betray His Majesty?”

It was Sunim’s voice.

Betray…?

“You’ve been deceiving His Majesty and me all this time! Say something!”

Unlike Sunim’s voice burning with fury, the unknown other person remained silent.

An inexplicable unease crept up my spine.

Sunim’s low, reproachful voice felt unfamiliar.

Before I could even process that strangeness, an even more shocking voice reached me.

It was Sangseon.

“…It’s true that I started as a spy for the Queen Dowager’s faction.”

It was a sunken voice I’d never heard before.

Spy…

My mind went blank.

Spy—meaning a secret agent who’d infiltrated…?

Before I could grasp the situation, Sunim’s voice came again.

“Then was all your devotion to His Majesty until now a lie? All those caring moments—were they all false?”

My hands began trembling.

Sangseon… Sangseon is a traitor—is that what this means?

“At first, yes. But…”

After Sangseon’s brief answer, a moment of silence followed.

Then suddenly, incongruous words continued.

“Do you know what my dream is? To live in an ideal Joseon. A nation with power, a king worthy of being a true ruler, wise ministers assisting him, and young subjects serving their lord while receiving protection…”

Power filled Sangseon’s voice.

“I dared to judge that His Majesty, with his weak nature since childhood, lacked the strength for this. So I took the hand extended by the Queen Dowager’s faction. But watching the Queen Dowager’s endless purges, and in contrast… watching His Majesty’s upright sincerity that, however weak it may be, never treats anything or anyone carelessly—I came to regret it.”

Sangseon’s words weren’t registering properly in my ears.

“The character His Majesty has shown made me ashamed.”

Sunim responded calmly to Sangseon’s words.

“Then speak honestly to His Majesty. He is different from the Queen Dowager, so if you truly repent, surely…”

Surely, he’ll forgive you?

The rest of their exchange buzzed distantly in my ears.

My hands trembled with shock.

No matter what, after living together these past few days, he was the only person I’d relied on in this palace.

Inside this script, those two were the only people I could trust.

Fury surged through me again.

At Sangseon, at the Queen Dowager who’d ensnared Sangseon.

And at myself for continuing to fumble around.

‘Can I even get out of here?’

What am I supposed to do?

When even Sangseon is a spy.

In that moment, a red warning light flashed in my mind.

My thought about striking the Queen Dowager first became slightly more concrete.

I knew it was absolutely something I shouldn’t do, but…

Right now, this was the only way.

I turned and headed back to my chambers.

* * *

Inside the chambers where Sangseon and I sat alone facing each other.

“Put poison in the Queen Dowager’s meal.”

The moment my words fell, Sangseon prostrated himself with his forehead to the floor.

“Y-Your Majesty. Those are words beyond improper! How could you!”

“Why? Can’t bring yourself to betray the master you’ve been serving?”

At my response, Sangseon’s hands pressed against the floor began trembling.

Sangseon lifted his forehead from the floor, his face contorted with devastation and guilt.

“However… however, Your Majesty, this is a path you must not take.”

At those words, the confession I’d overheard from Sangseon earlier came to mind.

‘Watching His Majesty’s upright sincerity that, however weak it may be, never treats anything or anyone carelessly—I came to regret it.’

“Such things don’t matter anymore. If you’re truly my person, do as I command.”

At my order, Sangseon closed his eyes as if facing death.

Strength filled Sangseon’s clenched fists.

Mine were the same.

Veins bulged on the backs of my hands.

“From the day I first met you, the only person I relied on in this palace was you, Sangseon.”

At my words, Sangseon’s eyes reddened.

For Sangseon, it would sound far weightier than what I’d meant.

After all, Sangseon had truly cared for this king since childhood.

It’s absurd that I feel betrayed by someone I’ve only known for a few days…

Sometimes, looking at Sangseon, I’d wonder what it would be like if my grandfather who’d passed away when I was young were still alive, if we’d been even closer than this.

Knowing someone thought about me like this made me feel I could rely on him and get help to escape.

More than anything, in that brief time, I’d developed feelings…

“I hate you so much, Sangseon.”

Sangseon couldn’t answer.

And from deep in my heart, the question was thrown again.

Is this direction right?

Is acting this way truly the best choice?

I felt confused.

That’s when Sangseon answered.

“I will obey your command.”

* * *

The result was a catastrophic failure.

Once again facing the Queen Dowager at night.

A royal guard standing beside the Queen Dowager held a blade to the neck of Sangseon, who knelt on the ground.

“Sangseon…”

“I should have cut off the sprout of betrayal much earlier.”

The Queen Dowager smiled as if it meant nothing.

From what I could tell, the Queen Dowager’s faction had suspected Sangseon early on.

The Queen Dowager gestured with her chin to the royal guard, and the sharp blade glinted in the air.

“No!”

My words scattered into the air as if reaching no one’s ears.

That’s when Sangseon spoke.

“Allow me to bow to His Majesty one final time.”

In that brief silence…

Sangseon rose, adjusted his garments, and bowed four times before me.

Watching him, my mind went white.

Because of me.

Because of my rash emotions, Sangseon…

The blade lifted into the air again, aimed at Sangseon’s neck.

“No!!”

* * *

“No!! Huk, huk…”

Once again, in my chambers that had become as familiar as my own bed.

Sangseon approached with quick steps.

“Your Majesty! Are you well?”

“Ah!”

The sight of Sangseon’s neck being severed overlapped with his worried face looking at me.

I instinctively stepped back.

“Your Majesty! You’re drenched in cold sweat… I’ll summon the royal physician.”

“Don’t!”

An overly excited shout escaped me.

“Y-Your Majesty…”

“What if the Queen Dowager’s faction learns my health has weakened?”

“I-I was short-sighted. Please execute this servant.”

“Stop asking me to kill you.”

I let out the words like a sigh and took slow, deep breaths.

Then I looked at Sangseon’s face again.

Feelings of guilt toward Sangseon washed over me like a wave.

If there’d been no loop…

Just because I couldn’t control one emotion, I nearly killed such an important person.

And I’d known full well that Sangseon would move with a heart of atonement toward me.

Thinking back now, perhaps Sangseon had anticipated things would go wrong.

His serene attitude facing sudden death and the four bows he’d offered me were proof of that.

Though Sangseon had started while belonging elsewhere, in the end, he’d proven through his actions that he was my person.

I shouldn’t have let my emotions carry me away.

Our eyes met.

The thoughts that had occasionally surfaced grew deeper.

I couldn’t understand why Sangseon’s role was this significant when he wasn’t in the script.

‘Why on earth isn’t this person in the script?’

I wanted to grab Sangseon and shake him, demanding answers.

Where exactly did you come from?

That’s when Sangseon spoke.

“Your Majesty, I shall bring warm tea.”

A moment later.

I sat staring blankly at the steam rising from the teacup.

Now it was time to think again.

My suspicions about Sangseon had been naturally dispelled, so now I needed to choose a different method.

First, it seemed I should hear Sangseon’s confession directly.

Last time I’d exploded in anger first.

I felt sorry again.

I shouldn’t have reproached him so harshly.

Sangseon’s heart must have been the worst hell of all…

I needed a way to draw out Sangseon’s confession.

In a gentle atmosphere.

“Sangseon.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Sangseon, kneeling, bowed his head.

“My legs hurt so much.”

At that, Sangseon smiled gently and answered.

“Though this old servant’s grip strength is poor, may I massage them for a moment?”

“I’d appreciate that. Your old hands are the most trustworthy to me, Sangseon.”

When I put on airs unnecessarily, Sangseon approached with an awkward smile.

Only now could I see the sorrow settled beneath that smile.

I grasped the hands of Sangseon as he slowly massaged my legs.

“Whatever happens, if it originates from these old hands of yours, Sangseon, I’ll believe all of it.”

At my words, Sangseon raised his head and looked at me with wavering eyes.

• 1. TLN: Hongmunguan was a central government office in the Joseon dynasty responsible for managing royal classics, historical records, and responding to the king’s various inquiries.
• 2. TLN: Mansong here is some sort of an elegant or literary name given to scholars, officials, or respected figures, often used as a respectful form of address similar to “Teacher” or “Professor.”