In This Life I Will Die as an Actress Not a Villainess Chapter 52

Lee Seokhyun wore a bewildered expression.

Right now, he’s the king himself, yet he’s the only one who doesn’t realize it.

The feelings he’s experiencing right now, the confusion, the uncertainty about what to do.

While experiencing the exact same emotions as the king, he’s being consumed by those very feelings.

If only he could properly harness those emotions, there’d be no problem.

“Does the king know? That he’ll be the final victor?”

At my question, Lee Seokhyun fell into thought for a moment.

“Wouldn’t he have to act like he knows even if he doesn’t?”

“I think differently. The answer is ‘no.’ He’s simply moving to become the final victor. That’s why he’d be afraid.”

“You’re right…”

Lee Seokhyun slowly began to accept it.

“In today’s scene, the king must have felt suffocated. Because he never imagined ten thousand people would actually submit opposing petitions. And he would’ve agonized over it. Whether to intimidate the ministers or quietly humble himself. Since he’s a king with weak standing, overshadowed by the Queen Dowager.”

“Exactly. The king has no script… He has no idea what decision he’ll make in a few hours, or what effect it’ll bring. He must’ve been flustered, agonizing, afraid.”

Lee Seokhyun voiced each realization as it came to him.

Suddenly, my time living as the king in that script world flashed through my mind.

The me from back then and Lee Seokhyun now overlapped.

Perhaps the reason I couldn’t firmly refuse and was drawn here was because of that.

I must have wanted Lee Seokhyun to overcome this crisis well.

Because he’s the protagonist of a script containing a story from the world I love.

“Anxious, uncertain, yet still needing to do well. Just like you, Seokhyun-ssi.”

“If it were you, Sena-ssi. What do you think it would’ve been like if it was a Han Sena version of the king?”

At those words, our eyes met.

“If I were the king, I think I would’ve wanted to confront the ministers right to their faces.”

I actually did that.

‘What exactly do you want me to understand?’

And that led to the worst result—Sunim and Sangseon getting hurt, heading toward a failed sequence.

“Should I endure? Can I get angry? There’d be no certainty, and even after deciding something, I’d be tormented by the possibility I might be wrong. What am I missing right now, what should I do? I’d be so tormented I’d get angry.”

As failures accumulate, you gradually become more sensitive.

Like a house on fire, piled-up anger would be fueled by the Queen Dowager’s surveillance and restraints, and moments would come when you can’t control yourself with reason.

Because you’re human.

Because you’re an existence easily swayed by massive currents.

“And maybe I’d even suddenly think about wanting to poison the Queen Dowager. Though of course that’d be reckless.”

Saying it out loud really made it sound crazy.

Lee Seokhyun stared at me with a dazed expression.

“How do you know the king’s psychology so well? Not even Sunim’s, but the king’s. Like someone who’s actually lived it.”

At those words, I thought—oops.

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to act nonchalant.

“I did the same thing, you know. The audition was obviously going to fail, but I wanted to do the project, so my thoughts jumped to extremes. Making that short film.”

Back then, I only knew I had to seize the reward myself, but I wasn’t certain it would specifically be a short film.

“Everyone said a rookie was being presumptuous, but I just did it anyway. In the end, it’s helping like this now. While making that, I thought a lot about what other characters were thinking, what backstories not shown in the script might exist.”

“So that’s how you approached the king’s psychology?”

“Something like that. So don’t try to artificially create an emotional flow to illuminate some future moment, Seokhyun-ssi. No one lives for a finish line.”

“Ah…”

“Don’t be afraid. Trust the king and trust actor Lee Seokhyun. Even if you let it be, the king’s own persona will block it once, and the actor Lee Seokhyun inside will block it again. What wrong path is there? You know better than me. As long as it’s not fake acting, nothing’s wrong. It’s just Lee Seokhyun’s version of acting.”

At my words, Lee Seokhyun let out a small laugh.

Unlike before, it was a much more relaxed smile.

Having poured out all those words, I felt slightly embarrassed.

“Thank you, Sena-ssi. I’ll give you all my figurines.”

At those words, I also let out a laugh.

“No thanks. Just give me two or three of your yearbook photos.”

“Such a modest request. Really, thank you.”

Lee Seokhyun’s expression grew serious again.

Looking at that face gave me a good feeling.

Like things would get even better from here.

“Now get up. I’ll take you home.”

Lee Seokhyun picked up his car keys.

“No way. There’ll be a scandal.”

At that, Lee Seokhyun laughed again.

“Thorough in every aspect. Then get home safely.”

“See you tomorrow!”

Leaving Lee Seokhyun behind, saying he’d stay a bit longer, I left the practice room.

The cold dawn air hit my face sharply.

Huff, I’m sleepy.

Another two hours of sleep today.

I hurried my steps forward.

* * *

The next day at the filming site.

“Are you saying ten thousand idlers pretending to be Confucian scholars?”

The retake of the scene Lee Seokhyun had struggled with so much was in progress.

“It pains me to say, Your Majesty, but there may be listening ears…”

“Let them hear. Anyone who studies Confucian teachings should know full well how absurd this situation is.”

During filming breaks, though it was free time, I’d come outside the van to watch Lee Seokhyun’s acting.

For some reason, I felt anxious too.

But Lee Seokhyun right now.

“A twenty-five-year-old king wants to rule personally.”

Whoosh—the thick scroll flew through the air.

“Does this make any sense?”

The dialogue changed slightly with ad-lib.

Looking toward the director, he wore a satisfied expression.

He seemed pleased.

I felt the same way.

Lee Seokhyun’s intensity was clearly different from yesterday.

Deep disappointment, anger, mockery. Hidden anxiety beneath it all.

Multiple emotions exploded simultaneously while naturally seeping into the dialogue.

Changing the dialogue was also a natural phenomenon from following wherever the king’s emotions surged.

The dialogue continued past the problematic section that had kept getting “Cut!”

“If you hate it that much, why not replace me according to Mencius’s teachings? Ah, do those hiding behind the Queen Dowager’s skirts lack such courage?”

The emotion gradually headed toward extremes.

A hint of guilt flashed across Sangseon’s face as he listened to the king’s words.

“…Replace…”

The king muttered as if to himself, then whipped around to look at Sangseon.

Sangseon hastily composed his expression, but the king didn’t miss it.

“Sangseon, in your eyes, is there someone more suited to the throne than me?”

Lee Seokhyun was looking straight ahead rather than at Yoon Youngjae.

The dialogue seemed at once self-deprecating yet also like he was venting at Sangseon.

Sangseon quickly prostrated himself before the king, pleading.

“This servant has never entertained such thoughts. How can you speak such dreadful words?”

With Lee Seokhyun’s acting stabilized, the veteran actor’s performance shone even brighter.

Suspicion about whether the king had discovered that Sangseon had cooperated with the Queen Dowager in the past, anxiety—such things lay beneath his words and actions.

And even concern that the current king might come to distrust even his own closest confidants.

“You’re overreacting.”

The king looked down at the prostrate Sangseon with a face where a flicker of doubt had passed.

“I was thinking of making a show of abdicating. Throwing a few names into the chamber to herd those traitors like sheep.”

The king rose to his feet.

“However, if they actually accept that, it’d be even more disastrous for me. In the end, the only answer for me is winning over Mansong. I’ll wait for Sunim’s contact.”

As he delivered the final line, Lee Seokhyun returned to the king’s usual self.

A rational, composed appearance.

It was a natural state where he hadn’t forcefully dragged the emotion along.

Several seconds of silence flowed like that…

“Cut! Okay! Good job, Seokhyun-ssi.”

Director Kang’s gentle praise fell.

At those words, Lee Seokhyun’s face flushed brightly. And mine too.

For some reason, I felt happy and let out a laugh.

Just then, our eyes met.

Lee Seokhyun flashed me a bright smile.

I gave Lee Seokhyun a thumbs up.

Lee Seokhyun smiled briefly before quickly picking up his script to focus, conscious of the continuing filming.

The staff also busily came and went preparing for additional shooting.

They needed to shoot close-ups of the king and Sangseon separately with different angles, and film the scene of the king throwing the ten-thousand-signature petition one more time.

Usually when Lee Seokhyun’s acting was unstable, everyone would prepare like they were doing homework, but today the staff’s movements were as light as if they were flying.

The Lee Seokhyun just now was truly magnificent.

Enough to make me curious what kind of appearance the king would show in the final sequence when he finally brought down the Queen Dowager.

I also hadn’t been able to see the king’s final expression in that scene because I was busy escaping from the script world.

I was curious about that face.

I found myself looking forward to Lee Seokhyun.

I slowly turned and walked toward the makeup van.

To think that possessing the king instead of Sunim would be useful like this.

Was that the intention?

I got the casting, and I helped Lee Seokhyun.

The feeling was somehow strange.

Then, has that possession world served its purpose now?

* * *

The answer to what I’d just thought about came immediately.

It hadn’t.

Standing before the palace wall, I clutched at my innocent jeogori.

Befitting the subject matter in the project title, the production team had painstakingly created each pattern on the palace wall, and it was disturbing my mind.

‘It’s different from the wall in my memory.’

Is this how actors who can’t escape from method acting feel?

In scenes shot before this one, many parts of the props and sets were different.

That was natural.

Because this isn’t actually the Joseon era.

Such things had never once affected my level of immersion.

But right now…

It was different because this was a moment I’d experienced directly.

The memories from that day disturbed my mind, and my soul felt like it was splitting in two.

Sunim, who had to meet Sangseon inside the wall, and the king, who would eavesdrop on their conversation from beyond it.

The set’s crudeness kept interrupting the memories flooding in like a tide.

‘Focus. This is my reality.’

Today was the day to complete on the real set the story from the script world I’d made into a short film.

I closed my eyes for a moment.

What had Sunim’s perspective been like then?

I decided to temporarily step away from both reality and the script world.

I just imagined Sunim’s emotions.

After a moment, I slowly opened my eyes.

And I was back inside the palace from that day.

“Filming preparation complete!”

The staff’s voices reached me.

I was ready too.

Gathering my mind, I stepped before the camera.