The Unbelievers Chapter 41

Eunseong fiddled with his disheveled hair as he asked him.

“…But did you just touch my face with the hand you used to wash the dishcloth?”

“Hmm?”

“What if something breaks out on my face?”

“I don’t think anything would break out just from that.”

Flustered, Yoo Siun brought the dishcloth over, sniffed it, and held it out, saying it seemed clean. It smelled of nothing but detergent. Eunseong took the dishcloth and sniffed it as well.

“…Do you realize this is the first time you’ve touched my face?”

“….”

“Back when I was sick, even when you put a wet towel on my forehead, you used tongs to set it down so our skin wouldn’t touch.”

“That was because it was more hygienic.”

Yoo Siun began to dislike himself for only spouting poor excuses.

“Do you not think I’m dirty anymore? You have quite severe mysophobia, Mister.”

“I’ve never thought that.”

“There have only been three times so far. Touching you, I mean. Once when I tried to touch the bird’s nest, once when coming back from Jungeon’s house…, and today. Is it okay to touch me now? Am I not dirty?”

“….”

He couldn’t understand why Eunseong was so obsessed with such things and why he was counting them. Yoo Siun’s eyes filled with wonder. Eunseong continued to speak, clutching Siun’s jumper in his arms as if it were a security blanket.

“Did you take medicine to cure your mysophobia?”

“I took it.”

“Make sure you keep taking your medicine.”

“….”

“It feels bad if you don’t take that medicine, Mister. Because if you don’t take it, your illness acts up again, and you get repulsed and hate it when we touch.”

“It wasn’t to that extent.”

“If that’s not it, then try touching me now.”

“….”

“Do you want to… try touching my hand?”

Eunseong held out his hand as if offering a handshake. Yoo Siun’s back went stiff as if he were facing a life-threatening menace. He looked down at the hand Eunseong had thrust forward. Eunseong was watching his reaction. Yoo Siun felt he understood a little why Eunseong said he disliked him. He felt even he would dislike himself.

“See. You hate it.”

“….”

It was just as Eunseong was about to lower his hand. Yoo Siun suddenly grabbed Eunseong’s hand. Looking as if he had never expected it, Eunseong looked up at him in surprise. Looking down and staring only at their joined hands, Yoo Siun gave his hand a light squeeze. It was Eunseong who pulled his hand away by force. He had to move his arm so much to pull his hand from Siun’s grip that his body was pushed back, forcing him to take a step backward.

“…You startled me.”

“You told me to try touching it.”

Yoo Siun asked if everything was simply all his fault. Eunseong said yes, it was all his fault.

“What if you just grab it without saying anything?”

“Was I supposed to say something before grabbing it?”

“Of course. You should say something and then grab it.”

“Since you were holding it out, I thought I could just grab it.”

“…Still, you should speak first.”

“It’s true that I don’t feel it’s dirty, right?”

“….”

Having demonstrated that he didn’t feel Eunseong was dirty and that contact wasn’t difficult, Yoo Siun cleared away the cup he had been drinking from.

“I should sleep. You go to sleep quickly, too.”

“…You too, Mister. And don’t go washing your hands behind my back.”

Yoo Siun let out an incredulous laugh. Eunseong looked at him sullenly as if something still didn’t sit right with him before turning away. Leaning against the sink, Yoo Siun quietly stared into the empty space where Eunseong had disappeared.

∞ ∞ ∞

After washing his face, Eunseong stared blankly at the face reflected in the mirror. He fiddled with his forehead where his hair fell down. The feeling of his touch from last night still remained vivid. A very large hand had caressed his forehead and hair, almost covering them, before moving away. His hand had smelled like soap.

Yoo Siun always smelled good. It wasn’t that dirty “old man” smell his father gave off, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes. It wasn’t that musty body odor he used to avoid by plugging his nose. It was a deep, fresh scent—far from sweet, but a soft and mature scent.

When he wasn’t around, Eunseong had gone into his room, poured some moisturizing products onto his hand, and smelled them. It wasn’t a sweet scent like candy, just an artificially pleasant smell.

Then again, it was naive to believe that applying a little cream would produce such a pleasant body scent that one would keep recalling it.

That kind of scent is something that accumulates. It only builds up in the body when you see good things, eat good things, always wrap yourself in and apply good things, and hear and drink good things. It wasn’t something created by applying some cream; it was something that accumulated and dissolved into one’s life, seeping out.

Eunseong often took the moisturizing products he used and applied them to his own body. Hoping that he would have that same good smell. It didn’t have much effect on the scent, but he still applied the cream frequently. The sensation of the cream soaking into his dry skin and making it moist wasn’t bad. When he grabbed his hand yesterday, Yoo Siun gave off a scent that made Eunseong want to lean on him and rub his face against him.

Eunseong entered the dining area while reminiscing about his scent. As soon as their eyes met, Yoo Siun asked.

“I heard your vacation starts today.”

“So?”

“Why did you wake up so early?”

“I have to wake up early. You seem to have forgotten, but no matter how much you neglect me, you should at least know this. I’m a high school senior.”

“I knew, but I thought you didn’t.”

“….”

Eunseong sat down, glaring petulantly at Yoo Siun, who occasionally teased him smoothly while pretending otherwise. It was a secret that he had even set an alarm, fearing he might not wake up in the morning after falling asleep late last night. If not for now, he wouldn’t be able to see Yoo Siun until the next morning. If he missed the short morning time spent drinking coffee with his distant relative, Eunseong would feel depressed all day.

“Have you gained some motivation to study?”

“It’s because I feel like you’re subtly looking down on me, Mister. I’m going to work hard starting today. Even if a university in America is difficult, I’m going to try for one in Seoul.”

“Right, you should work hard.”

Eunseong got annoyed while drinking his milk.

“Can you please not use that ‘Mister’ way of speaking?”

“Hmm?”

“You sound like an old man.”

Eunseong felt angry at Yoo Siun for only saying things that an adult would naturally say.

“But I am an adult, aren’t I?”

Responding as if he didn’t see the problem, Yoo Siun finished brewing the coffee. Eunseong had finished half the milk Siun had poured for him and was holding the glass with both hands.

“You are, but you sound like such an old man. You don’t have to speak so much like an adult.”

“Should I just stop talking then?”

“It’s not that…”

Eunseong knew he was being stubborn. He hated how Siun kept talking as if he were a guardian, an adult with a duty to look after him, and he hated that Siun only saw him that way.

To keep staying with Yoo Siun, he had to pretend not to know; he shouldn’t make it obvious that he liked him, but Eunseong could neither hide nor conceal those feelings.

“Are you acting like this because you’re stressed about the college entrance exam?”

“…Acting like what.”

“You’re being hysterical.”

“…I’m sorry. For acting weird.”

I wish he would never know—no, I wish he would realize. I wish he’d notice my feelings—no, I wish he’d never know. He must absolutely never know, but I still wish he’d realize… Eunseong felt nauseous from these conflicting thoughts. At this rate, he felt like he wouldn’t be able to control his own temper and would end up grabbing him and telling him he liked him.

The fortunate thing was that no matter what kind of tantrum Eunseong threw or how stubborn he was, Yoo Siun didn’t show much emotional agitation as long as Eunseong didn’t say he hated him. He seemed to simply think that at that age, it was normal to be fickle and have all sorts of mood swings.

“It’s okay to be hysterical with me, but don’t do it to the Manager.”

“The Manager doesn’t even accept it.”

Eunseong replied curtly.

“So I’m the easiest target among us, then.”

“It’s not like that…”

Eunseong stole a glance at him. The corners of Yoo Siun’s mouth were turned up in a smile as if he didn’t mind.

“The Manager doesn’t even answer. Sometimes.”

“He’s wise. I should do that too.”

“I’d really hate that, you know? Being left on read is the most upsetting thing in the world.”

“Then I shouldn’t do that.”

Yoo Siun immediately withdrew his stance.

“I’m going to attend an academy during the vacation. Is that okay?”

It was a matter Siun had clearly said no to last night.

“I’ll get you a tutor.”

“I can just go to an academy.”

“It seemed your grades aren’t at a level where just going to an academy would work.”

“….”

With a look of absurdity and disbelief, Eunseong stared at him while drinking his milk. Yoo Siun pretended not to notice and finished his coffee. He turned the newspaper he was reading.

“Then I’ll work a part-time job. I can’t waste time like this. I should at least earn money. You won’t even let me go out, so what am I supposed to do at home all day? The vacation is so long.”

“….”

It was as good as telling him to suffer while thinking of him all vacation long, trapped in this house that felt like Yoo Siun himself, where there was nowhere his hand hadn’t touched.

If he stayed trapped here, Eunseong might not stop at just asking him to try holding his hand like last night, but might even ask him to give him a hug. Or he might break into his room while he was sleeping, take off his clothes, and try to steal a look at the entirety of the tattoo he wouldn’t show. Eunseong’s heart was reaching a point where he wanted to do such crazy things.

In front of a wolf that had starved for three or four days, Yoo Siun was saying he could eat anything else but must not eat him. But the wolf that had starved for three or four days was in a state where it didn’t even want to put anything in its mouth except for Yoo Siun.