Struggle Chapter 83

No matter how inexplicable the dream was, it had given Lee Taerok not a sense of relief at having escaped the flames, but a desperate urgency to confirm that his brother hadn’t taken Lee Nanyoung away.

Thud. Nanyoung, who had collapsed back onto the bedding, fumbled at his own throat and then carefully, cautiously turned his body away.

“…Where are you going.”

Taerok seized Nanyoung’s ankle abruptly.

“I’m not trying to go anywhere.”

Nanyoung answered quietly. When Taerok released his wrist, Nanyoung crawled further and lit the oil lamp. Like a single drop of ink spreading on paper of the finest quality, a soft light diffused through the room.

“You smelled of smoke.”

Nanyoung turned his head hesitantly to look. But Taerok’s gaze was not on Nanyoung’s face; it was fixed between his buttocks, where he had been crouched on all fours to light the lamp. Because he had ejaculated so deep inside, nothing was leaking out, but where the inner thighs met, the flesh was flushed red.

“What in the world happened?”

Nanyoung looked back and frowned at the soot smudged on Taerok’s cheek and brow bone.

“It’s nothing.”

Afraid that if he kept looking at this sight he’d pounce on him again instead of talking, Taerok replied as he tied Nanyoung’s coat strings. The trousers were crumpled on the bedding, tangled up with his own clothes.

“A section of the ondol floor in my private quarters collapsed and a small fire broke out. Probably a stone came loose in the flue.”

“What?!”

“It was discovered early, and the fire can be put out without Prince Geumhwa even needing to come. Besides, it’s raining now.”

“Rain…?”

Nanyoung stumbled to his feet and opened the window. Indeed, as Taerok had said, rain was falling. In fact, it had been raining for some time, as puddles had already formed on the ground. They had been so absorbed in the act that they hadn’t even heard this sound.

Nanyoung’s face flushed. Come to think of it, hadn’t Taerok covered his mouth when voices were heard outside?

“What good does it do for a fellow who heats up so easily to catch the autumn night breeze.”

Taerok chided him lightly, reaching out from behind. Nanyoung followed the arm and fingertips passing beside him with his eyes.

The window was shut, but neither of them moved away from that spot. Nanyoung found it pleasant how the goosebumps that had risen in the meantime were gently soothed by the warmth of Taerok’s body at his back.

“Was it better because I didn’t seem like your uncle?”

Taerok asked. His voice was low and suggestive.

Even now, it was similar to before. He couldn’t see his face. But even so, he couldn’t pretend to be complete strangers the way they had a moment ago. Now that they had confirmed each other, what kind of ridiculous notion would that be?

“It was only futile.”

Nanyoung spoke self-deprecatingly.

“What could such a brief moment possibly change.”

“That’s right. Nothing changes.”

Taerok turned Nanyoung around.

Nanyoung looked at Taerok directly for a moment, then quietly shook his head.

“How can you be so resolute? How can you have no regrets at all… Aren’t you even afraid, uncle? I’m afraid…. No, is there anything that you’re actually afraid of, uncle?”

Nanyoung thought Taerok would say that even if such a thing existed, why live worrying about it if it wasn’t right in front of him. But contrary to Nanyoung’s expectation, no answer came from Taerok.

When he raised his eyes, Taerok was staring at him intently.

Taerok was thinking of his brother, who had been far too vivid to be a dream or an illusion. Seeing him appear in a dragon robe and winged crown, what he should have shouted wasn’t just Lee Nanyoung’s name. Lee Taerok was a grave criminal who had already expelled his first nephew, who lacked any affection for him, out of necessity, and was even plotting a rebellion. Yet before his nephew’s father, that first nephew didn’t even cross his mind.

Is treason the graver sin, or is incest the graver sin?

In Taerok’s heart, the conclusion had already been reached. No, to be precise, the order of priority had been decided. In the midst of a fire that would have killed him had he been even a little later, before his brother who had come to see the younger brother who might kill one of his children yet deeply lusted after and was obsessed with the other.

“That I have nothing to fear….”

Taerok quietly lifted the corner of his mouth.

If that were truly so, he wouldn’t have left his burning quarters behind and run all the way here. He wouldn’t have scaled the wall so pathetically either.

Nanyoung averted his gaze from Taerok, who was staring at him intently. For some reason, his heart was pounding.

And then, as if to change the subject, he finally brought up a question he had meant to ask several times but kept putting off.

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

“No. Ah, my palm might be a little scraped.”

“Your palm?”

Taerok spread his hand wide before Nanyoung’s eyes. On that large hand, big enough to cup Nanyoung’s entire face, there was indeed a small abrasion. Nanyoung held Taerok’s hand in both of his and peered gravely at that tiny wound. Watching this, Taerok’s lips slackened. The way he had been angry just moments before, and now was suddenly so anxious with worry—it was so honest. Was it because he was still young?

“Did you scrape it rushing out in a hurry?”

“I scraped it rushing in.”

“Rushing in…?”

“I climbed over the wall.”

Taerok nodded his head. Nanyoung followed the direction of his gaze and was dumbstruck, his mouth falling open.

“My wall?!”

“It was manageable enough.”

“No, you could have just knocked on the door; why would you climb the wall?”

“I didn’t want to cause a commotion, for one.”

And then Taerok folded his fingers, clasping Nanyoung’s hand in his.

“I came here to do this with you. If people found out, wouldn’t it be troublesome.”

“…”

Of course, it would be troublesome, just as he said. What inwardly surprised Nanyoung about such an obvious statement was that he hadn’t known Taerok was the sort of person to care about such things. Then again, he’d have to care, wouldn’t he? It wasn’t as if they were doing anything commendable.

Nanyoung smoothly withdrew his hand.

“What is it now.”

At Nanyoung’s sullen expression, Taerok quirked an eyebrow.

“I’m confused every day as to whether you fear this relationship or don’t bat an eye at it.”

“There shouldn’t be anything to be confused about. Taking our clothes off to lie together as we did today, and putting our clothes on to go out and pretend not to know each other—isn’t that what you want?”

“One cannot deceive people forever!”

“But we can’t stop either, Nanyoung.”

“It’s something that can be ended if one of us ends it! If you would just stop this treason… that wasn’t even p-possible to begin with!”

Nanyoung, too, stammered, sensing it wasn’t so impossible after all, but still cried out vehemently.

Taerok stroked Nanyoung’s cheek with the back of his hand. And as he did, he whispered.

“If I were king… I would have issued a royal decree forbidding Grand Prince Heonui from taking even one step outside the capital.”

The moment he voiced that desire aloud, all the justification Taerok held crumbled into nothing more than Lee Taerok’s private greed. In truth, that was the reality. The more it was laid bare, the more the justification for this treason became ugly, personal, deeply private… Lee Taerok’s own heart.

That chilling truth had, at some point, crept up close behind Taerok’s back.

“Please don’t say such things either….”

“Yes. I spoke out of turn, those words.”

A brief silence flowed between them.

But that didn’t mean they were lost in other thoughts. Especially for Taerok, no other thoughts came to mind but Nanyoung. He stared at him quietly, then suddenly, seized by an unbearable impulse, he took Nanyoung’s chin and pulled him gently closer.

Their lips were just about to meet.

Nanyoung, too, was drawn along as Taerok pulled him, offering no resistance. But just before they actually touched, Nanyoung uttered in a voice tinged with resignation.

“…If you are so determined, so determined to become king, then please spare my elder brother.”

“…”

“If you are absolutely determined to do it, then please let my brother and me leave this land. If you’ll grant us only that, I will ask for nothing more. I’ll leave without leaving anything behind and forget everything, so do as you will, and live a long and happy life with Her Majesty the Queen.”

“…You know well enough that I will have no wife anymore.”

“Grand Prince Baegan may be so. But there cannot fail to be a Queen, can there.”

Nanyoung, who had kept his eyes lowered, suddenly lifted his gaze and looked at Taerok. It was a quiet gaze. Taerok realized that Nanyoung wasn’t simply being provocative—he meant it in earnest.

“Don’t go so far as to shed the blood of your own flesh and blood. Just live like that.”

“That sounds like you’ve given up.”

“Who in this entire world could possibly defeat you, uncle?”

In Nanyoung’s faint, bitter smile, resignation could be read.

“Lee Nanyoung.”

“If one is to be king, that is how one must be. You know that.”

“…”